Boyfriend spends all his time with his child, I'm left out
When my boyfriend has his 4 year old son, he spends all his time looking after the child and hardly any time with me, he also doesn't usually involve me in their plans. He will typically plan things for them to do together out of the house, which I don't mind, but he has been staying at my house and I'm almost put out of my own house when his child is here. Everything revolves around the child - if the child wants to play, they play, if he wants to watch tv, they watch tv, he sleeps with his child around 8pm and doesn't come downstairs after. He eats with his child, not with me. If we're at his parents house or at a family gathering, he is glued to the child and I'm left on my own with his family - which I have no issues with as I get on with them really well. We've had conversations about it before and he has been helping out with the chores as I said I wasn't going to play the maid whilst they have fun all day, but I still feel he isn't considering me enough. I try to help out with looking after his son, and try playing with him but it's clear he just wants his dad all the time. What can I suggest to get us out of this situation and behaving more like a family?
This is a hard place for you.
This is a hard place for you. It's heartwarming to hear how focused your SO is on his son. Four years olds need a lot of attention, and the dad's don't always step up. Having said that, your relationship also needs attention. It sounds like he's trying to juggle you and his child, instead of blending the three of you into a unit. And when you voice concerns, he may feel defensive because he sees it as you taking away from his child. A good family therapist with blended family experience, could be really helpful in navigating this situation. Being a good parent includes modeling healthy adult relationships, but as step-families, that message gets lost.
Thanks a lot for your reply,
Thanks a lot for your reply, I agree, he does a great job giving his child attention and I 100% prefer this to him not giving enough attention. Your response really helps, half the problem is I don't know if I'm expecting too much as I'm new to this too. A family therapist is a great idea, I will try to suggest it to him.
If it's too soon, then he
If it's too soon, then he should be spending the time with his child at his home, not yours.
He doesn't have a home
He doesn't have a home anymore, it was sold prior to the divorce.
There are plenty other
There are plenty of other options. One doesn't need a house. Men who lose houses in divorce find other arrangements. Don't look for women to move in rent free
He can't even pay rent so who
He can't even pay rent so who will pay for a therapist? You again?
Depends on how often he has
Depends on how often he has the kid. If it's 4 days a month, it may be understandable (except for the cosleeping, that's a bad habit and should be broken.) Also, not including you AT ALL is an issue. It's your house and your life, too. Maybe you can work on blending a bit more. Like, maybe you two can pre-plan for his visits. Plan some things together, then also some time for him and his son alone where you can do your own thing. But you should absolutely not feel like you are being asked to vacate your own life when the kid is around.
The only positive I see in this is that your SO isn't pushing off childcare on you. Some guys will do that and you feel like unpaid help. A problem I do see is that he seems to be letting the child dictate what they do when they are together. A 4-year-old should not have the responsibility or the power to dictate what is done. Yes, his preferences should be honored but it sounds like it's what the 4-year-old wants, when he wants it. Having you guys pre-plan will help with that. If your SO simply can't tell his kid "no" ever, things will likely get worse.
If this is going on more often, up to 50/50, and you are basically booted out of your own life for a significant amount of time....idk if there is hope. A guy who doesn't see this as a problem isn't considering you a full member of your couple.
Thanks a lot for replying, he
Thanks a lot for replying, he only has his son 6 days a month + half of the holidays. I agree there are lots of positives about our situation, and agree on the points which need working on like the co-sleeping but I didn't feel it was my place to say anything. He does pre-plan his time with his son but he doesn't involve me in the planning, he just tells me afterwards. And yes, he doesn't ever say 'no' to his son. If I suggest doing something together at home, he does try bless him, but his son will get bored and will want to do something else.
If he could stop the
If he could stop the cosleeping and involve you in the planning, those would be big steps. The not saying no part is huge, though, and will impact you greatly going forward if you mean to build a life with this man. It's not good for kids to have a parent who just lets them do what they want when they want. A parent's job is not just to entertain. It's to help raise the child to be a tolerable human with life skills. An intolerable human with no life skills will be a giant negative on your life if you stay with his dad. It will be a giant negative for the kid, too, and will set him up for problems in life. Those problems will become your problems, too, if you stay with his dad.
If he wants to do stuff with
If he wants to do stuff with his son alone, he can do it somewhere other than your home. If he wants to be alone with the kiddo, he finds another solution. Don't allow him to make you feel like the outsider in your own home.
His son is 4, he needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around his whims. It's a learning experience for him and a teaching moment for his father. Being a parent doesn't mean granting a child's every whim.
This is exactly how I feel,
This is exactly how I feel, thank you! I find it difficult to offer my advice on how he parents his child especially as I have no parenting experience myself. Your comment has reassured me that I'm not asking for too much
I agree!!
It's your home, don't allow yourself to be made an outsider. Have a sitdown with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel (emphasizing you love how he loves his son!). If he has the child for only 6 days out of the month, can't he include you in at least 1 of those days??
A couple of questions....and
A couple of questions....and comments.
Please tell me, does your partner pay a reasonable share of your household bills? Living expenses (rent/mortgage/home owner's insurance, etc.) should be split by what percentage of the household income each of you brings in. Example: Household income is $100,000. You earn 60K and he earns 40K. He should be paying at least 40% of the living expenses and if there are no children in the home fulltime, he should be covering 1/2 the utilities/groceries/cable/Internet.
Next, since you live together, you get to see your partner on a DAILY basis for 24 days a month and he spends 6 days a month with his 4 year old. It makes sense that he might hyper focus on his son during the visits. You get to have his attention 80% of the time while his child gets his attention only 20% of the time.
Should he be able to show you some attention, too? Yes. Perhaps a counselor can help him with that: clearing schedules with you and still operating as part of the household while his son visits.
He was completely wiped out
He was completely wiped out from his divorce and has debts to pay as well as child maintenance so he currently doesn't contribute much to the household costs even though he earns more than I do. He pays for groceries and going out, I pay for everything else. I can manage though and he will contribute more once he is able to.
I completely understand that they need time alone together, and he's focused on his son rather than me, that isn't a problem but it's difficult when that time alone is when they're at my house I feel like I'm just in the way.
"I completely understand that
"I completely understand that they need time alone together, and he's focused on his son rather than me, that isn't a problem but it's difficult when that time alone is when they're at my house I feel like I'm just in the way."
You feel like you are in the way. In your house where you pay for everything. It may not be his fault, but is that how you want to live? He may be a great guy but his financial situation plus having a kid he lets run things are big negatives. My ex brother-in-law has been "trying to financially recover from his divorce" for the past 5 years and has had 3 separate relationships. In each one, they paid all the living expenses so he could "recover." He never does, though.
This is your life and you matter. Just as much as anyone, including the kid. Yes, your SO has a responsibility to *care for* his kid. To *raise* his kid. He doesn't have a responsibility to put the kid's wants and entertainment ahead of his partner, though, the whole time the kid is in *your* home. By doing that, your SO is actually putting his own needs first. If you don't feel like an equal member of your own relationship in your own house, that's a problem. It sounds like you are willing to participate in the raising of this kid, since you house him and are willing to do things together with the kid. But if your SO won't listen to you and belittles your opinions just because you don't have a kid, that's also a problem.
Take it from an old lady (age
Take it from an old lady (age 57) - this dude is taking advantage of you.
If you don't have a full accounting of his expenditures and income, then all you can do is trust his BS. I am skeptical. What would he do if you weren't there giving him shelter? He'd figure something out, wouldn't he?
The truth is that so many women in this group and some men have given SO MUCH to their divorced partners with children only to be treated like crap, put up on the shelf like a dolly when their partner has someone else to pay attention to, been neglected emotionally, and basically used by crap parents who can't manage their lives or money. What will grow in your relationship is resentment and resentment kills relationships. For men, it's especially common for them to use a woman and then not respect her or treat her like a true partner because on some level they feel humiliated by taking help. And it's often a case that when a woman allows a man to disrespect her, he ends up respecting her less and less.
Dear, this is not good. This
Dear, this is not good. This is not good. He makes more than you do, yet you are in effect providing financial support to this man in raising HIS child.
I have never seen these types of situations working out well. Please think deeply about if this is the kind of situation you want to get emmeshed in.
He sounds like a pleasant
He sounds like a pleasant enough financial abuser. I don't think he's necessarily sitting there scheming (although, who knows), or whether he just feels entitled to your lovely home with all expenses paid due to his "unfair" situation, the effect on you is just the same.
I'd try to find out whether his ex had similar issues of non-payment with him. Often this type of "soft" men get given a lot easier pass by women. I know someone who calls them the "top knot" guys, i.e., the softly spoken yoga instructor, guitar playing guys. Some are literally like that, some are more in spirit and can be found in a suit in a corporate environment instead.
Lol "top knot" guys. Around
Lol "top knot" guys. Around here we call them man-buns, but i catch your drift! They do tend to get a pass. They are just so sensitive!
Around here there was a trend
Around here there was a trend a few years back where boys would tie their hair up leaving a vertical tuft rather than a bun. One day, when I went to pick up my daughter from school (she was abouit 13 at the time) I said "Gawd, do they have any idea what they look like?" and without skipping a beat she said "I think they look like onions". I nearly hurt myself laughing - it was so unexpected a response. OTOH, these guys really thought they looked ultra cool to the ladies... If only they knew!
Onion heads!
I love your kid.
Man bun guys, man-pri pants
Man bun guys, man-pri pants guys, man-skini jean wearing guys, obviously mani-pedi, man-facial, are they wearing make up, are they not wearing make up/.... guys...
The designer lumberjack wear hipster types who have never been in the woods but look like they have been on the Brawny paper towel commercial lumberjack in desinger tree cutting wear. I can see how that guy would not be a particularly good partner or dad.
Too much fun.
Don't get me wrong. I like nice clothes as much as anyone else. But, when I put on the paper thin silky soft 20 year old mostly worn out jeans, the now 40yr old HS with battery acid holes, cut up greasy steel toe safety boots, and nasty greasy leather work gloves, I actually wore them all out. Not quickly by any means, but..... I can get dirty with some level of experienced competence. I hate doing it, I would much rather outsource to the "I have people for that" model, but.... when mom calls for me to visit to help dad with a project, I am all in, we have a great time, and dirty, sweaty, grimey clothes making work happens. Most recently, destroying the carpenter ant infested picnic table in the back yard and relocating the fire pit from the middle of the yard to the gravel pad where the destroyed picnic table used to be two days of fun. The fire pit is a steel pit. Not too much of a problem to move, Then came moving the 4 multi hundred pound giant boulders that had settled more than half way into the ground. 3 of them went okay. The last one took the better part of 2days to excavate and move.
I can see how the failed family spawn and X butt sniffing guys likely fall into the overly manscaped man bun category. Real dads, likely tend to be more confident, active, engaged, and far less self absorbed. Or... maybe not.
I have a bit of a different
I have a bit of a different take on this.
This daddy is F-ing this 4yo up. This 4yo is being raised that daddy's life is 100% the kid's. A 4yo has no recognition of the reality of daddy's life when the 4yo is not with daddy.
Daddy is training this kid that the kid gets 100% of daddy. Daddy is failing as a father. He needs to be setting the example of a man, husband, and father. All this kid sees is good time daddy all the time.
Daddy is showing this kid that daddy's mate is nothing. Daddy's life is all about the kid. Daddy's work is nothing. Daddy's family is nothing. Daddys life is nothing but the kid.
Wrong example.
Not a failed partner I would continue to make a life with if I were you FindingItHardTo.
Take care of you. You are not this man nor his 4yos beck-and-call girl. This will not get better as this kid continues to grow up with coddling Disney Daddy. Don't suggest. Tell. He either does as you tell him, or you leave. No discussion. These Skid worshipping parents expect their mate to sacrifice themselves on the alter of SParental martyrdom to them and their failed family progeny. Don't do that.
Never forget. This guy has a failed marriage behind him which makes the relationship you have with him even more likely to fail. Second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages. SKids are a big part of that increased risk of failure because their parent in the blended marriage far more often than not prioritizes the failed family spawn over their mate.
I totally agree, I don't
I totally agree, I don't think he's setting a good example - the child's BM is also unfairly seen as boring because he has nothing but fun with his dad. I have told him he needs to do more normal things when he has his son but he finds it important to make every second count for his son, which I can also understand.
I can see it becoming difficult in future if we have a child of our own and I'm left to do everything with our child when he has his son - I raised this concern with him, but he doesn't think there's anything to worry about due to his son being older by that point.
The last thing I want is a failed marriage, I think the suggestion of family therapy is exactly what we need right now.
Be very, very careful.
Be very, very careful. Counseling is always a good idea. However, be wary of his words.
Categorize people by their actions and never be fooled by their words.
Do you want him parenting your child(ren) the way he parents his failed family 4yo? Do you want to be in distant last place not only to his failed family 4yo but potentially to the children he makes with you?
Take care of you.
Another red flag
"the child's BM is also unfairly seen as boring because he has nothing but fun with his dad"
Where is that coming from? No way a 4-year-old is characterizing his mom as boring. It has to be the dad doing that. That points to a sense of competition with BM as the favored parent. Parents who do this don't parent. They kiss the child's a$$ to be more liked. Stepmoms who live with this dynamic are rarely happy.
It comes from the child, my
It comes from the child, my bf is nothing but nice about BM in front of his son. I think it is because they do so many fun things together whilst BM has to do the usual school runs etc.
He still shouldn't be calling
He still shouldn't be calling his mother boring. I hope that's being corrected.
Tell him this:
"Only boring people get bored."
He's old enough to repeat that to. When he says, "But I'm bored!" and you reply, "Think of something that a non-boring person would do - and do that. Complainers are the ultimate boring people and nobody likes listening to boring people complain about being bored because that's no fun for anyone."
I remember that old radio
I remember that old radio program. "If you're bored, you're BORING!"
Sounds like he's not ready
Sounds like he's not ready for a relationship, TBH.
Are you saying that YOU are
Are you saying that YOU are financially supporting your boyfriend? He doesn;t pay his share of expenses ?
That is what I heard.
That is what I heard.
A partner who does not include his mate in all aspects of his life, and.... does not carry his own financial weight while leaching money from his mate to support his failed family.
Not a good sight picture at all.
That is correct and I was
That is correct and I was under the impression he would be able to contribute after a few months, but that didn't happen, he just pays for groceries, dates, plus other occasional spends like paying the mechanics. We plan to get married at some point so I asked him to start saving for that since he isn't contributing much to the household and he agreed to start saving this year.
Time for a change of plans.
Time for a change of plans.
"He agreed to start saving this year...."
Hollow words in all liklihood. I would have a weekly sit down and demand he show you his savings acct statement. Remember, you can't soar with the Eagles when you are picking shit with the chickens. A marriage or family can't soar in those situations either.
Two commited equity life partners who hold themselves, each other, and any kids in the mix accountable to standards of behavior and standards of performance can soar. as indivicuals, collectively, and as a family. Particularly when they tolerate no bullshit from an X.
Be wary.
Take care of you.
No.
HE gets all the savings?
I'm sorry, but that is a stupid idea.
BOTH should be contributing to household expenses so BOTH can accumulate some savings.
That way, if you do not end up marrying, you haven't been supporting his ass and he gets to walk away with a big savings account...and you, well, you are holding all the bills.
Rediculous.
Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Check out divorce rates on 2nd marriages that include children. And then consider how many relationships never even make it far enough to hit that stat.
You honestly need to cut that off...
just to figure out if he is with you to be with you, or to have someone pay his way through life.
That you had talked about this changing at a certain point and time, and he just blew through that time period without acknowledging it is a massive red flag in regards to his personal responsibility and how he views you.
How long have the two of you
How long have the two of you been together?
We have been together for a
We have been together for a year, living together about 6 months
People with young children do
What????
People with young children do not move in with boyfriends or girlfriends after only 6 months of knowing them UNLESS they are users and do so to get someone else to support them. That's gross. He needs to leave
OP, please listen to
OP, please listen to LivingoutLoud. At 6 months, many parents wouldn't even have allowed their bf/gf to meet their children, much less move in with them. It sounds very much as if you've been played... as hard as it is to admit.
I see red flags all over your
I see red flags all over your partner's behavior with his son. My ex husband was like this with his son. Please read my posts. As Rags says, take care of you. This guy's behavior won't improve. Please don't make excuses for his behavior and settle for less than you know you are worth. It's like you're living two separate lives, I have been there. It's a lonely place to be.
Take care and know we are all here for you....
Reedle
Thank you, it really helps to
Thank you, it really helps to be able to get feedback from people in similar situations as I have no idea what's normal/acceptable and what isn't and the whole time I've just been going along with how he wants to parent his child. It really is like living 2 separate lives. BF has agreed to counselling, which I have insisted on now.
Just be careful. I know it's
Just be careful. I know it's easy to see things through rose-colored lenses when you want things to work out and love that person. I did the same thing and 9 years later, I left my husband. I was second to his son, always. By the time I left, I was too old to have kids of my own. And his son never liked me, no matter what I did for him. He resented me for being in his dad's life. It was weird and I was never ever, in the entire 9 years we were together, included in his and his son's life. It was literally like having roommates - but, like you, I paid for everything. I can remember one of the last Christmases I was with him, he was scraping money together to get his son gifts and his son's mom and her other two kids gifts. He did nothing for anyone in my family or even for me. He put his son on a pedastal and would say hateful things about my nieces and nephews. It was humiliating and hurtful.
You seem like such a kind, giving person based on your post. Please, again, read my posts. I am watching you walk down the exact road I did. At first, it seemed benign, like I excused my ex husband's behavior as being a good parent. Then years later, I finally saw what was going on. To be honest, I only gained insight and realized things were not right after coming to this site for advice and support. Also, my ex husband made all kinds of promises about going to counseling or getting a job or being a "better husband." He acted on none of those promises; he would be nice enough to keep me hanging on but was never a good husband.
And no, your partner's behavior isn't normal and it isn't conducive to maintaining a healthy relationship with you. But ultimately, you have to decide what is right for you.
Again, take care of yourself.... YOU ARE WORTHY OF EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES! :)
Counseling isn’t a cure-all.
Counselling doesn't work for everyone, and is counterindicated for certain conditions, like antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder (not saying your boyfriend fits this criteria), because it gives them the lingo to manipulate others more effectively, all the while appearing like the good guy.
For therapy to work, essentially the person himself has to want to go and not be talked into it by his partner, mom or parole officer. And under that desire has to lie a genuine understanding that there's something wrong with them that needs to be changed. If you don't think there's anything wrong with you, why would you invest in a change?
In addition, counseling only teaches people how to soften their edges, communicate with each other better etc., but it certainly doesn't give one a personality transplant. If the guy has grown up in the environment where entitlement or the victim mentality were rampant, or if he developed those views independently, they will always be present, no matter how much he changes little things around them. You will see them rear their head again and again, at the least convenient times - on your wedding day, when you're stressed out and hadnt slept for days with your little baby, yet he needs "me and SK time" and takes off for a long weekend to a nice chalet with the money he's saved up etc etc.
This relationship is a set up
For failer. He not ready for a new relationship. He still letting BM and DS . Control his and your life. He never going to have money. He not paying rent and still not have anything. BM Getting everything. How do you expect to build a life with him. He boy going to have time to have a child with you. Or be able to afford it,
'You are willing to see your kid go without because SS is getting everything . There are many other people out there who will put you first. Start looking. Personally, no one staying at my house would be out of my bed to sleep with there son. They would be out the door. If there was a hint that BM came before me. Out the door . Kids needs come first , Not there wants. Co sleeping is a want. Plenty of kids sleep by themselves
Oh, Hon!
Oh, Hon!
You are getting a raw deal while your boyfriend has it made; living in your house where you pay the majority of the bills and he prioritizes his spoiled child to the detraction of your relationship. Nice to be him! The longer this situation continues, the more entrenched the existing state of affairs will become.
This man is not ready for a relationship. Until he engages in sensible parenting that precludes co-sleeping, puts a stop to the overboard Disney Dad behaviour and includes you in decision making, this union will not survive.
Trust me when I say that you will soon tire of paying the way for both you and your boyfriend; you are bound to become increasingly resentful of the imbalance. The fact that you are on this site, so soon in your relationship indicates that you are already unhappy and feeling used.
RUN hun RUN
Rarely these relationships work out
I was you once. Not exact same story but dang close enough. PLEASE LISTEN to all the advice given here. I lost myself, my money, and my dignity along the way. I gained it back after I divorced him, then had another shite relationship with a man with a skid. IT SUCKS
Find yourself a real man, not one that lives off of you and you come last in priorities.
You deserve more BLESSINGS
Same experience
Definitely get yourself free of this situation. You are being used. Period.
Time to make him the XBF.
Take care of you.
Oh dear. This guy is a
Oh dear. This guy is a hobosexual. I'm sorry but he's scored a resource so he doesn't have to work too hard or pay for much and all he has to do is buy time by giving you flimsy intentions so he can obsessively dote on his kid.
Sorry to be so harsh. You deserve so much better. If you're needing family counselling already, then what's the point of this relationship? Sure if a couple is actually married or been together a while, then by all means seek therapy but if you've been together only a year and lived together only six months and need therapy already due to so many major issues, then cut and run.
I say this with love in my heart and as an advocate of therapy (I'm going myself and have done so quite a bit), but please go to therapy and work on you. Find out why you accept crumbs and such a relationship in which you're carrying the load financially, emotionally and the whole nine yards all while not getting your needs met. Dump this hobosexual, go to counselling, take courses, spend time with your friends and go for weekend trips or something and next thing you know, Mr. Right will come along and will move heaven and earth to build a life with you because you're worth it.
Love this response
^^^^^^^^^
This is a fantastic word- hobosexual. Ill have to remember that. I married one of those and it created a great deal of trouble in our marriage being with someone so obsessed with the child. I can tell you from my experience that it created a child who felt the world should revolve around her and a spouse that enforced that belief on a daily basis. It almost divorced us.
You are not married to this guy and I think you really need to reconsider this relationship because it will not get better and will probably get worse. You are carrying the bulk of the responsibility here and accomodating him. This should not be happening.
Well, you see what’s in front of you.
His screw up divorce is a problem, he never going to pull his weight in a marriage you have with him. And remember visitation can and will change. You are I only one BM. getting injured, dieding. Finding a boytoy and going to Hawaii, with out SS. You can have SS. 7/24/ 365 Days a year. It's happened, read the boards. Then what ?
'This co sleeping is a big issue with me. It's more common today, I don't get it.
'You see what's happening, you are not married, You must make a choice, you must start working on the facts. Does he want a family with you? Can he afford to do this ? Is BM always coming after more money, Dr visits, sports, games. Is BM trying to control your life. ?
The reality is that the way
The reality is that the way this guy parents his kid is not the real problem you have here.
He only has his kid 6 days a month basically.. for him to overly focus on his very young child's needs on those weekend days? It's really not that unusual.. and you get him the other 24.. that balance is not really out of whack. I mean... he needs to up his game re the cosleeping and the kid having some structure and not having ALL the power is probable something he could improve.. but it's not a lot of time to basically have for yourself to do other things.
The real issue is an adult man that is not supporting himself.. and living off you. Look.. poor little man had a hard divorce.. so, if he can't afford to stand on his own two feet.. he should be in his parent's basement.. not your bed.
He is using you.. he lied to you giving you the impression that he would contribute.. he didn't.. then you give him a PASS on that.. and tell him.. "ooohhh honey.. at least start saving towards the wedding".. I will.. he says.. .. he won't.. there will be some magical tragedy that prevents that.
He pays for dates.. ??? how about if you are broke.. you don't do dates? why can't he pay towards the household before he uses his money for fun.. what other fun things does he do with his money before he pays you?
Why do you want to hook your wagon to a loser that can't support himself.. so he is nice to you... he tells you lovely things.. well.. those things don't pay the bills.. and it is not likely to get better.. only worse.. cut your losses and send him back.
On one hand if he only sees
On one hand if he only sees his child 6 days a month, it's expected that he will spend all his time with the kid. You have this dude 24 days a month.
On the other hand, you have a free loader living off you so his kid isn't an issue here. I propose that you ask him to find a place to live for himself and if he's into you, he'd continue dating you living elsewhere. But something tells me that he will get busy looking for someone else to support him and won't be just dating.
he makes more than you and still finds it appropriate to let you support him. He's bad news
Don't be sugar mama. You can do better
At this point, I'd say it's
At this point, I'd say it's lucky he's a boyfriend and not a husband. I'd say it will be even better when he's your ex-boyfriend.
RUN while you can! When kids
RUN while you can! When kids are the sole breath and heartbeat of a parent, it is already telling you what's your place in their life... IMHO I didn't learn this on time...