DW funding Adult Married SS's life style while I work myself to the grave
I had my suspicions for the last 8 or so years after step son turned 18 moved out and began is career, that my wife was funding his lifestyle and paying rent, bills, trips and all kinds of other things. I found in her texts messages between he and she this past weekend that she is paying so much money to him on an on going basis for his insurance, tatoos, and other bills, even though he is married and makes " a six figure income" as he puts being a welder in texas. I saw a text where he blantalty says to my wife just lie to me if I found out about one of the transactions. So needless to say for the last 8 years or so having my suspcions she had been lying to me all that time, I have not been Intiment with her for years even though she always asking me for intimacy. One Note: She has filed 2 TRO's agianst me in the past due to StepSon, when I got angry and yelled at her about him. She wrote in both that I was acting crazy and yelling all the time, never any physical violence. DW's SS is ruining my marriage!!!!
I am still raising one SD and a daughter that are both in school with my wife. We bleed money and I am always asking why and she says well Sarah is driving so she needs money and stuff.
I am at my wits end, but I know it will be very bad for since my wife and her brother had a really bad falling out due to the SS, and she refuses to talk to her brother becasue if it. So if she can do that to her own Brother, she will try to get me crucified.
Be frank with her. Tell her
Be frank with her. Tell her you know your money if going to fund a grown man's lifestyle and you're not comfortable with it (I wouldn't be comfortable with it either btw). Is she going to have a fit? Probably. Just remain calm and remove yourself if things get too heated. Some other options: separate finances. You each contribute equally to the common billls and extra money is yours/hers to do with what you want. Or perhaps she could have a reasonable/small alllowance that you can afford to gift to her some every few months. This is to say, if you're still interested in trying to make things work with her.
My wife own her own small
My wife own her own small business that is used as her income for our family along with my job. The problem is that I dont ever see or have access to that business account. She makes really great money, its the lack or her understanding that we will eventually need to retire. She sees her son as a Saint, never ever any wrongdoing, but when it comes my girls, she is totally the opposite and gets crazy mad if they have a B on a report card. I just know that if she can be so hateful to her own brother over her son, that literally she wil try to destoy me in ever way possible. let me tell you, when I worked as a police officer, we were having and aurguement, I had to get to work for shift so I told her I was leaving, she yelled to me not leave in we resolved the issue, I told her will never get resolved cause you wont change, I left for the department, she showed up ten minutes later and was screaming in the lobby for me. My Sargeant went and told her to stop making a scene, she to the Sargeant to F Off, I was then told to go hande the siutation to try to get her to leave the station. That is how she acts still to this day when we I bring up issues about her son that affects our household.
I went back in time
And read your previous posts. From 2019, I suppose you moved back, or she Wife, hoovered you back in? Sorry for all you went through, we always want the best and hope for the best.
Are you ready to file yet? Have you finally had enough? If not, I suggest you set up a separate bank account that she does not have any access to and move money/deposit money there. Leave only enough to cover what is needed for YOUR household.
Then have that needed talk with wife, and lay it down. Not another cent for SS, period, or you leave.
Yeah its been a long road for
Yeah its been a long road for me, trying to be in the relationship for my daughters, they need my calm in the storm that is their mom. she treats them so differently than her son. She has made both my girls cry and feel bad about themselves by how she talks to them. My youngest soon the be 13th, tells me all the time that she will leave with me if the divorce happens, but the way my wife is controlling that will never happen. She will take me to court forever over that issue, she has the income means through her business that I dont possess.
I am petrified to get my own bank account. But I did speak with someone today that knows both of us and our family very well, and he said I have to Cover myself for my future. I am just trying to work up the courage to take that step.
"I have not been Intiment
"I have not been Intiment with her for years"
Do you have any shared kids with her? That's the only reason i can think of for you to stay other than inertia (which i admit is a tough one to overcome.)
yes one daughter shared, she
yes one daughter shared, she is like me very non confrontational and sweet. When my wife makes her cry it hurts my heart, Ive tried to defend daughter but wife then yells at both of us telling us to stop being victims.
Where I live (Maryland USA)
Where I live (Maryland USA) any money put away into each spouse's retirement funds DURING the marriage is counted as marital property. Is she saving towards retirement? If she is, that's good, but I would urge you to consider a post nuptial agreement and to separate finances. A post nup is exactly like a pre nup, but it's created after marriage.
I had to create one with my 2nd husband, now ex, when I discovered he was using my financially soon after our marriage. In the post nup, all of my assets (retirement account and property) were mine alone and all his assets (retirement account and property) were his. However, we each waived ANY and all rights to a share of each other's retirement accounts as well as any claims for spousal support or alimony should the relationship end. My XH did NOT want to sign it, but I refused to sell the house I raised my children in for 24 years until he did. And we had an agreement that I wouldn't pay anything towards the mortgage on OUR house while I still had a mortgage on my other home. He was a massive spender and wanted my 1/2 of OUR mortgage, so he signed.
He was pissed, however, when I refused to pay half of ALL the bills: cable, utilities, groceries while his 4 teen and adult sons were living in our house, running up our bills and eating all our food. I paid 1/2 the mortgage and 1/6 of the utilities. He was deeply resentful and treated me like crap. So much so, I left him about 18 months after we were married and bought my own house. He divorced me later that same year and the POST NUP made everything very easy.
I wouldn't threaten divorce lightly, but I would look into it as a way to protect yourself financially. If she wants to avoid divorce, she may be willing to sign a post nup. If you go this route, make sure she has her own attorney to look the agreement over or it could be thrown out in court.
One additional thought, if
One additional thought, if you decide pursue divorce, you may have a partial stake in her small business if created during the marriage and its profits and appreciated value during the marriage. She may have to buy you out of your share unless you signed something giving up your rights.
Who earns more? If she earns significantly more, she may have to pay you spousal support. If you earn more, I would use the prospect of divorce and her having to give you a share of her business as a way to encourage her to sign a post nuptial agreement.
I had to sign a sole and
I had to sign a sole and seperate for the company, I dont want the money or stake. Just trying to enjoy my life , provide for my daughters till they get into college. Her company makes about 700 k year, her salary over 100 k yr, I make about 80k, but net only 50k due to paying for everyones health care including SS.
It sounds as if you'd be
It sounds as if you'd be better off divorced. You can have it written that you will only provide health insurance for minor children/stepchildren. You'd save a lot dropping her and SS and his family from the plan.
If you want a stable future, it sounds as if a divorce is a wise move.
the begining of the year is a
the begining of the year is a great time to reevailute your expenses and the first thing on the chopping block is SS's health care. call it a work reevailuation and explain to her bluntly that you've been advised to remove him as he is not a minor.
then perhaps it's time to seperate finances and open a joint account that household expenses are paid from. Each of you add a certain amount monthly. then your excess goes to you and your daughter and she can just fund her adult male parasite herself.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the comments. My mind is a whirlwind, its really hard to sleep at night with all this running through my mind every night, trying to find solutions to this issue and what possible outcomes there are for me.
Its hard to Fathom that my
Its hard to Fathom that my wife would just lie so much to me about the money, it bogles the mind that she is just so over the top about her son that she would act this way.
Betrayal SUCKS!
I 100% understand how you feel, how it runs your thoughts, and how it disturbs your sleep...
Divorce is painful and scary, but it is also a path to freedom, sanity, and serenity. It's expensive (=still paying mine off; it's my only debt) but with volitile, betraying, lying, shameless users like we both married, it's necessary.
I could not have done it without this supportive ST community. I hope you keep posting here, to get the understanding, honesty, and encouragement you can't get from this marriage.
The funny thing is I dont
The funny thing is I dont drink, stopped smoking over 18 yrs ago, no drugs due to the work evironements I have been in over my life so far, not in bad shape, pretty easy going go with flow, try not to make waves at work or home, volunteer for school events for daughters. I just feel like a used door mat that gets stepped on every single day.
marital assets
Get thee to a lawyer! Find out what your rights are, in your state. Find out how to protect yourself *restraining orders?* and that will help calm the anxiety you are probably feeling. Spousification of a child happens frequently in step world, and your wife is abusing you financially.
Im sorry that you are stuck in this sham of a marriage.
Please consider how damaging
Please consider how damaging it is to the girls to be growing up with their mother's double standards and the state of your marriage. They must know they're second class citizens. Depending on where you live, the courts may take into consideration which parent your daughter wants to live with, and why.
You really need to talk with a few divorce attorneys. And turn off the money faucet!
Do not hesitate. Lock down all of the finances NOW!
Go meet with the 10 best divorce attornies in your market now. You engage the best of those and go for emergency custody of your DD now and nail her ass to the wall with CS to support the joint daughter. Make sure to have all of the email and texts between your DW and her POS son to show how much she can afford to pay her adult child. Consulting with the top 10 should take them off of the table for your use by the STBXW.
Do not fear her, make her rue the day she ever lied to you and torture her incessantly for the 8yrs she lied to you. To choose to stay, is to choose to support and facilitate yet more of this crap from your supposed partner and forces your own DD to maintain life in her presence.
Categorize people by their actions and you will never fall for their words.
Put her living in a refrigerator box under the local overpass and stop tolerating the shit she has made out of your life. Write her and her shit puddle of a shallow and polluted gene pool off as the effluent that they are.
Save yourself and your child.
Good luck.
Unless you are ready to leave
And she understands you will leave. Ther nothing you can do,
Seems like there is little to
Seems like there is little to stay for. Talk to a lawyer. An initial consult will cost you a few hundred and will give you an idea of how things might proceed if you choose to divirce her. Get facts so that you can make a plan rather than living in fear and uncertainty.
Even if that plan is to stay for 5 more years (till your daughter is 18) and build yourself your own (protected) nest egg so you can divorce her and move on comfortably. (To me that is the worst case senario, it seems this marriage is toxic for you and your daughter).
If your bio daughter is a teen, do courts take into account
Who the teenager wants to live with and the reasons why? Because then biodaughter can say she has been repeatedly abused verbally by her mum and living in such a toxic unaable environment at home and therefore wants to primarily reside with you.
i know its not ideal because of fear of retribution but sucking up this toxic dysfunction and abuse from what appears to be a narcissistic mother does more damage than you realise.
i grew up with a mother like that and she too came from a toxic dysfunctional family. My parents split up towards end of high school so i never could focus on my studies and was so depressed. There were times in my teenage years I considered taking my life. Its a horrible way to live. You need to start putting you and your daughter first.
sugarcoating things for the wife isn't gonna do anything. Its time you start being firm with her that you will not handle whatever finances because to some degree, you are subsidising things for her out of your own pocket that you ultimately are not responsible for.
you are paying more for stuff whilst not having adequate retirement savings and your wife if not created retirement savings for you both means you will ultimately be worser off
There are variables by State.
There are variables by State. Some States do not allow children to state their preference and put it entirely on the Court. Some States allow the Judge to query the kid for their opinion but the court has the sole decisioning authority. No State allows a minor child to choose. Only the court assigns Custodial status. GA allows a kid 14 or older to choose which parent they want to live with but even then, the court must approve the choice or.... tuff shit.
While I am far from team Judge, at least this part the State's generally get right. Not necessarily in who they assign as the CP, but by NOT allowing a minor to pick. Kids have parents for a reason.
I do believe that States have to do a far better job of limiting Judges to only the best of the best rather than the apparent pool of the bottom 10%ers of the legal profession that seem to put on the idiot Harry Potter robes and sling the Fisher-Price toddler hammer without the brain power to do it well.
Fair enough and yes i agree kids shouldn’t dictate who
They live with but if its well documented one is abusive with proof of it, then courts should consider. Obviously made up lies of abuse, sexual assault etc like we have read about here and a vindictive exwife making kid lie that the assault occured to alienate the dad and his new partner/wife further shouldn't be allowed but unfortunately happens too much
In Malaysia mother loses custody of kids if she's muslim and remarries because the dad is solely responsible financially for the kids and when she remarries, she isn't focussed on the kids and the stepfather often doesn't want those kids there
far too often the mum does a runner, make claims of assault so the exhusband doesn't get any custody time.
No kid should be placed with an abusive parent.
No lies and false abuse claims should be tolerated and those who make them should lose all access to the kids.
In the ideal world anyway.
My understanding is that in Muslim countries in general child custody in divorce situations usually goes to the father.
An interesting situation that we saw in one of the countries we lived in in the ME was multi-family homes where several divorced mothers and their kids were in a large home while the XH's funded those households collaboratively. Those families were not necessarily related either genetically or via extended family marriage. Usually they were made up of moms or dads who were friends. The moms collaborated in raising the kids, the dad's shared the costs. As long as the mom stayed in the home raising the kids they were supported by the XH. DW had a friend who lived in one of those homes with her kids. The kids would go to dad periodically. DW's friend would use those times to get out and about visiting her friends. Some of the women worked, some were in Uni. though most did neither. The kids were across most age spectrums though usually the boys would go with dad when they reached their teens.
The moms were not allowed to remarry and remain in the home. When one did remarry, usually the kids went to live with their father.
There are many examples of multi-cultural marriages in ME countries where upon divorce the moms are deported and never see their children again. There are also many examples of long successful multi-cultural marriages where the kids thrive and the spouses do too.
The dynamics of various countries divorce/custody processes can be extremely complex.
Though not specifically related, when my DW, SS and I visited my parents in the ME in the ate 90s as we were processing in Passport control the immigration officer was looking at our passports. I was 33, DW was 22, SS was 6 and had a different last name than DW and I. The immigration officer cogitated over our passports for a few minutes and asked us a couple of times if SS was our son, then my son. My limited Arabic and his limited English made the conversation less than clear. He called over a couple of other officers, they all conflabbed over the passports. Our Visas were all in order. Finally another officer was called over, he looked, laughed, explained it to the others, looked at me, said "StepFather...., beautiful family, very good!!!" and they all gave us a big smile and thumbs up then they stamped our passports with the entry stamp and off we went through Customs. Our age difference and SS being a nice looking little boy probably are what made a interesting impression. My limited Arabic picked up some references to my DW's age and my age in the immigration officers' discussions.
Islamic/Arab culture has a rich history of varieties of adoption of widows as next wifes and the new husband taking responsitility for the children. Often a brother marrying their deceased brother's widow, but also broader examples of men marrying a mom and assuming responsibility for otherwise unrelated children.
Your All Great!
I have come to realize, that I need to leave the relationship, especially since the last postings of last week. Since then my wife made (DEMANED) me to tell my DD that I was a StepMonster to my DW SS while he was growing up from the age of 7-8 when we met till present day. I had to tell my DD that everything that went on SS life was due to my issues and mistreatmant of him. I had to explain to DD that no matter what SS did in the household, ultimately came down to me being a piece of shit and treating SS as same. I had to do this while DW stood over me to make sure I did not add any Buts, or situations that SS was doing to make me act the way I was at the time. So now DD has aligned herself with DW and is really not interested in speaking with me or hanging out with me anymore. So, I will pay my CS and healthcare for them, take my lashings and move on to being a old single guy, just working till I'm dead. I want to thank this community for all the support, I wish you all well for your futures. SIGNED: Single Guy.
I am motirfied for you and
I am motirfied for you and even more mortified that you did what your idiot DW demanded that you do.
Divorce her ass, cut her off ASAP, and leave her and her failed family progeny to rot.
Do what you can to get your DD out of there as much as you can. Get the facts together and start baring your idiot STBXW's toxic ass and keep your DD up to speed. You are the only counter to your STBXW and her toxic shit puddle of a gene pool and their influence on your DD.
Go to war. Destroy them all to the fullest extent you can while keeping your DD abreast of the facts.
Take care of you.
WTF????
You did WHAT?
WHY????
Lawyer up. Fight for your DD. LEAVE.