This is long. It also involves talk of sexual abuse.

I searched the site and see that I am not alone in this, but I haven’t seen any recent posts.

I started this off by posting some background details but it was getting very long. So if you care to read that I’ll leave it at the bottom of this. But to cut to the chase: the issue is that I HATE my stepson. I have never had a feeling like this towards anyone in my life. I cannot enjoy anything if he’s present. I try to avoid him at all costs. And the primary reason, among many reasons, is due to him sexually abusing/engaging in inappropriate touch with my daughter (who I have with SS’ dad, my fiancé) on 3 separate occasions. 

Prior to the 3 incidents, he would creep me out with the way he stared at her if she was in the bath or getting a diaper change. I never mentioned it to my fiance and thought maybe I was being sensitive due to how I already had a disconnect with him. One day, when she was about 4 months old, she was on her play mat and started to cry. I had been putting something in the kitchen and when I came out he was in her face and in an aggressive, hushed tone (he knew I was right nearby) he was going "Stop it! Stop crying! You better stop!" wagging his finger in her face. We do not speak like that at home and certainly not to our infant daughter, so it totally threw me. After that he was not ever alone with her. But that didn't stop him.

Our daughter was between 13 months-15 months when these instances happened. She is 20 months now. SS was 10/11. He is 11 currently. The first time was when he was at the table eating and my daughter was walking around, she had just started walking. I was in the kitchen and when I looked into the dining room my SS (who I have had weird feelings about even before my daughter was born) had a weird grin on his face and was looking down. When I bent down and looked under the table I saw his hand holding her hand over his crotch and rubbing. He had sweatpants on. When he noticed me he pushed her hand away. I yelled “What are you doing!?” which scared my daughter and she started crying. So I tended to her and went and told his Dad what I saw. He spoke to him about it. That was kind of that. But my radar was on.

A couple weeks later SS was in the kitchen and my daughter walked towards him. She was wobbly as a new walker and kind of stumbled forward and her hand was reaching up. My SS spread his legs and stood there and kind of stuck his pelvis forward as my daughters hand landed on his crotch. My fiancé was there and saw that, although it didn’t look as bad as the first time..but it made me feel sick due to what had previously occurred. In that moment my fiancé told his son to move her hands. My SS said “I just didn’t want her to fall.” 

Not long after that, same situation at the table. Except I was sitting diagonally across from my SS. I knew my daughter was walking around. Again, I saw the sickly grin on his face and when I looked under the table I saw his hand holding her hand on his crotch AGAIN. Again he was in sweatpants. But he was quick to back away from the table and push her hand away as soon as I bent down to look. He said “She just put her hand there when you looked, I was moving it.” YEAH RIGHT. And he had the galls to do it in my presence, which makes me sick to think about what he’s capable of if no adult was around.

That was it for me. I saw every shade of red. I left my daughter with my fiancé. Told my SS to get out of my face and to his room. Then I went up and I screamed like I have never screamed at anyone before. I didn’t even recognize my own voice. I hit him. I did. I slapped him across the face and told him to stay away from her. I lost it. Since then there has been little to no interaction between my daughter and him outside of hi/bye as he goes to and from school or something. And I intend to keep it that way. Honestly I think about how he’ll be 18 in a little over 6 years and then be gone. And I can spend the rest of my children’s lives (I am due with a baby boy in November) more relaxed because he will be GONE.

Outside of the abuse (my fiance thinks it's extreme to call it sexual abuse, I don't know what else to call it), he is just an incredibly weird kid. Poor hygiene, no friends, no social skills, complete lack of common sense and intellect (see below). He is as dull as a doornail and seemingly has no personality. He’s always been that way since I’ve known him which is part of why I’ve had a hard time connecting with him. He doesn't show much interest or passion about anything. He takes no initiative towards anything in life and has zero integrity. He will do the right thing only if he knows someone is watching. There is no part of his character that I want around my children and influencing them in any way. He talks in a little baby voice that makes my skin crawl. He is sneaky and manipulative and a persistent liar. Anyway, I typed all that below. So feel free to read.

Basically I came here to vent. I know I need therapy (I know he needs therapy as well, but I leave that to his father to handle as part of me disengaging). But part of me worries that therapy’s goal will be to make me feel okay about what happened and encourage a relationship with my SS. I do not want any type of relationship with him. I do not want my children to have a relationship with him. But my daughter is so young and obviously has no idea what happened, so when she sees him she’ll smile and say “hi!” and I scoop her up and go elsewhere. I don’t want her to want to be around him. But she doesn’t understand. I don’t know how to navigate that as she gets older. “Stay away from your half brother because he made you rub his penis when you were a baby”? I don’t want any part of her life messed up because of him. I want to just keep him away and let distance do it’s thing. My hope is that her and her baby brother will have a strong bond and the appeal of hanging out with big brother won’t even be there. They’re so far apart in age anyway, what is there to bond over? Ugh. I spiral with all of my thoughts.

Thanks for reading. And for any advice or “I can relate” you can offer. I don’t even know where to go from here. More background on SS is below.

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SS11 background: Bio mom lives in Germany and is useless and not at all involved in his life except for a phone call maybe once or twice a year. He has an older half sister that is institutionalized due to mental health issues. He has a younger half brother that also has behavior issues. All 3 kids are from different fathers. SS lived in Germany with his dad (my fiancé) for the first 7 years of his life. My fiancé’s Dad was military and his parents helped take care of SS for the first 2 or 3 years of his life before they moved. SS and Dad continued to live there for another 4 years or so. SS attended school on an American military base, he was never immersed in the German culture/language/etc. (I say this because it has been brought up on several occasions how maybe he has a language barrier issue and that plays a part in his developmental disabilities. No. He has been born and raised and educated in English his entire life.) The only traumatic instance that I am privy to is that SS witnessed domestic violence on one occasion between bio mom and one of her boyfriends when he was around 5 years old. I also know he was exposed to rated R movies at a young age when visiting Mom. But visits with Mom were few and far between over those 7 years. There is also suspicion on behalf of my fiancé and members of his family that she may have been smoking or drinking during pregnancy. However, she denies this.

Anyway, fast forward and SS has been living with his dad and I for the past 3 years. So I have only been in his life since he was about 8/9. He spends the summers out of state with his grandparents (thank God). SS had behavior issues in Kindergarten, getting kicked out a couple of times due to physical fights with other kids. He has not had behaviors like that since Kindergarten/1st grade. But he has struggled in school academically from day 1 and has been on an IEP since 2nd grade. He has had an evaluation and been diagnosed with ADHD and “memory problems”. Whatever that means. He struggles in every subject. Fails assignments in every subject on a regular basis. We’re talking 20s and 30s or worse. Yet somehow skirts by with As and Bs come report card time thanks to “classwork and participation”. SS is also very quiet and obedient (until you catch him lying), he will do whatever you tell him to do (in an unhealthy way, it is not normal to be so complacent and never question anything). He is a teacher’s dream student, sitting quietly at his desk with hands folded and talks in a very baby-ish tone. They eat it up and it makes me sick. 

Since he has lived with us we have had issues with lying and sneakiness regarding various things. Some typical, some very not typical for an 11 year old. He is manipulative and comfortable with his lies and never shows any type of remorse or apology when he is caught in a lie. Ever. He lacks common sense and is incredibly socially awkward. He does not have friends. His mannerisms are bizarre and his lack of common sense and social skills combined with lack of intellect is a very scary combination in my opinion. He didn’t even know WHERE HIS TOES WERE last summer. I digress. When you talk to him it’s like talking to a 6 year old. His conversations do not make sense half the time. He talks in circles, either due to lying or just due to issues with his intellect. It’s painful to talk to him.

When we visited my fiancé’s family over the summer, his parents noticed that there was not much of a connection between SS and our daughter. My fiancé’s Dad apparently asked SS if we let him play with her, my SS said no. When he asked my fiancé about this, he was honest and shared why we don’t allow SS much interaction with her. Do you know what my mother-in-law said? “Maybe he didn’t know it was wrong.” I was beside myself when he told me this. They baby him and enable and justify his behavior. “He’s just a boy”, “he’s young”, “he doesn’t know any better”, blah, blah, blah. He has 3 cousins his age and they have all said to their grandparents that they treat SS differently.

I could go on. This is long enough. Thank you for reading.