Almost at my wits end
Some context to my situation. It's a very long story, but I need help.
I've been lurking for a little while, but now I need advice. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. Most of our marriage has been hell because of my 18 year old step son. I have known my step son since he was 14.
My step son's bio mom died when he was 14, right after his dad and I started dating. Prior to that, my husband had joint custody. After his bio mom died, my husband was given full custody. A little while after that, my husband and I were married. We moved about four hours away from family.
My step son didn't like his dad's very basic rules, so he went to visit his grandparents and never moved back. After he left our house, he petioned the court to give his grandparents full custody of him. The judge decided instead to propose emancipation. My husband was against it at first, but I convinced him to sign the papers. His son had already made all kinds of false accusations against his dad. I knew my life would be a living hell if we didn't give his son what he wanted. Then, for two years my step son wanted nothing to do with his dad. It was awful! My husband spiraled down hill quick, and I had to pick up the pieces.
Fast forward to August of this year, my step son decided to reconcile with his dad. Of course, my husband was elated. His son asked if he could move in with us and I didn't have a choice in the matter. I wasn't happy about it, but I figured everything would work itself out. When he moved in, we found out he had been smoking marijuana and drinking previous to moving in with us. We told him a firm boundary of no drinking or smoking while you're living with us. His son agreed and promised over and over that he didn't bring any alcohol or drugs with him.
However, we found our when he would go on trips back home that he was drinking heavily and smoking pot. We told him again that he can't drink or smoke anywhere outside of our house either. He agreed again, but all things came to a head last night. My SS took opiates, mixed different liquors and had marijuana in his system. We had to call 911, and get him transported. More lies came out in the hospital. He in fact did bring alcohol when he moved in with us and smoked pot last month. As you can probably tell, I'm beyond frustrated now. I feel my husband is enabling him to the enth degree. His son lives here and we take care of rent, food and he receives free college because of my husband's disability. He has little to no consequences for his actions and I really feel he needs an in-patient program. My SS needs healthier coping skills rather than drinking himself to stupor and OD'ng. My husband doesn't want to force him to do anything, and I feel that he rewards the bad behavior. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. We had to hide/and or lock up everything his son might OD or binge on.
My question is: Where can I get the best help for myself when dealing with this situation? I'm very overwhelmed, and my step son has driven a wedge between my husband and I.
Thank you for reading, and any advice you can provide.
Sorry for your situation
That's a tough spot to be in, I feel for you. I would suggest finding yourself a good counselor, preferably one with experience with families of addicts. Perhaps your DH would listen more to a professional.
I agree with you that it's going to be a downhill path unless there's some kind of intervention.
Thank for the advice. I'll
Thank for the advice. I'll look for someone with more specialized experience.
I agree. I've dealt with a
I agree. I've dealt with a similar situation before. My brother is a recovering drug/alcohol addict. It was a horrible experience (he is almost 20 years clean) so this particular issue is very triggering for me. I've seen what can happen, and my SS is young so there is still hope for change. My DH says if it happens again, then we'll do x, y and z. I'm not ok with that. I'm concerned the next time he will end up dead. He already knows how much to drink and how many opiates to take to kill himself.
First of all
Your SS move back in "" His son asked if he could move in with us and I didn't have a choice in the matter. "". Of course you who are living in the home had a CHOICE. Two ."" My SS took opiates, mixed different liquors and had marijuana in his system. We had to call 911, ": SS is out of control and doesn't respect you or DH. What did your really expect.. answer. This.
Where can I get the best help for myself when dealing with this situation? I'm very overwhelmed, and my step son has driven a wedge between my husband and I. ANSWER. SS Needs treatment. Residential treatments. After that at 18 he on his own. You will help him to get an apartment, paying one or two months of rent. Some Ike furniture.
'SS free ride is over, he has to get a job and pay his bills. Going to school at night. Or working at night.. DH most likely is not going to be happy about this. But he must understand it's you if him. You are not going to live this way no more. You have self respect. You are a free adult.
'You have to be ready if SO picks SS Over you. Just think that this is no way to live. Have SS controlling your life.
If I'm reading this correctly
If I'm reading this correctly... at this point.. he basically OD'ed.. yesterday? and prior to that, no one knew he was breaking your in home rules. If that is the case.. your SO has not had a chance to process this.. he almost lost his son, and I'm sure he has a LOT going on in his mind.. and punishing his child at this particular moment is probably not high on that list.
Now.. in the past.. there was an issue where he would (as far as you both knew) do things that were forbidden inside your home.. outside your home.. when he went to see old friends. It sounds like the rule was clarified by your SO and at that point.. as far as he knew was being followed.
Now... of course.. you both realize that there was a lot more going on.. but you HAVE to give your SO time to figure out how he will deal with this. His son likely needs some substance abuse program.. whether in patient or outpatient.. You and your SO might benefit from attending a support group like Alanon.. and maybe family counseling in addition to that?
I might push for him going into treatment and then assessing if/when you would transition him back to in home living and what that would look like.
He is emancipated. You have zero legal duty
To support him in any way shape or form as I understand it. Beyond the emancipation he is also 18 which also ends any duty you and DH have to tolerate his crap.
He represents a danger to you, your DH, amd himself. I suggest that you seek counsel from an attorney to determine if you can obtain a Civil Protection Order to get and keep him away from you and your home.
If your DH choses his POS spawn over you and your marriage, so be it. And good riddance to them both.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
A therapist who works with
A therapist who works with the families of addicts would be of great help. A parent's instincts to "help" or "save" their child is often the exact wrong thing to do.
My DH ignored and actively fought against the advice of the professionals when SS came out of his first rehab. DH "knew" best how to help his "boy ." Said "boy" ended up in rehab #2 after I (and others) set boundaries with both SS and DH.
We have friends who are in recovery and they sat DH down and didn't sugarcoat one single thing. DH's "help" was actually harming SS.
SS has been clean for about ten years now. I give him 100% of the credit for doing the work.
I'm so sorry. Your DH and
I'm so sorry. Your DH and SS need professional help. You can't help him, and neither can your DH because addicts will out con an untrained individual every time. He needs help from someone or an organization that is trained to deal with addiction.
Your DH needs help too...he is enabling his son into an early grave. Trust me, you don't want to live in this environment.
Were you aware that your
Were you aware that your stepson was a problem prior to you marrying your husband? If so, did you know you wouldn't have a choice as to whether stepson lived with you two or not, especially after attaining age 18? If so, you need to take a really good look in the mirror and accept responsibility for the role you played in the toxic situation you are now in. Then forgive yourself for thinking things would just work out or that love would conquer everything. You should do whatever you think is best for you such as not allowing your stepson to continue living with you or moving out if your husband does not respect your perspective.
For me, it would be a hard NO to stepson living there again. He's an adult so he chooses the life he wants to live when it comes to drugs and alcohol. He made his choice so he can continue down that destructive path or not. What I would not do is let his choices adversely affect me. Only YOU can set the standard for your life.
Help and Your Own Mental Health
First, this is hard to cope with as a SP. This SS is now an emancipated adult and probably did this at his grandparent's home thus why he came running to his Dad and you. He's old enough to know better. Here is a link that might help with his issues: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help
I hate to tell you this unless he gets help - this will continue to happen. You cannot change his behavior, you cannot allow this to continue for your own mental health. Get the professionals involved and if he doesn't want to do a program, you have to let him go. He may have to follow his own path to either self destruction or fix his issues. Sounds like a lot of deep rooted anger, fear, and a lot of problems. Stand strong - you both need to be a united front. Hoping that your SS gets help and both you and his father do as well.
With addicts, in my layman's opinion, the goal is to help them
get help. That means facilitating them hitting rock bottom and hitting hard.
Kick them out, do not give them money. When they are freezing in the winter of roasting in the summer, hungry, and going through the DTs under hte local overpass they may just find clarity and start the recovery process.
All in my addiction treating layman's opinion of course.
I dated two women who ended up being addicts. The first was the absolutely most stunningly beautiful woman I have ever met. She disappeared after we had been dating for several months. She was in rehab. Over a year after she disappeared she showed up at my work in a stylish business suit and gave me a dozen roses. I was engaged to my XW at that time.
The second addict was a woman I dated after my divorce. A classmates GF introduced us. We dated, not exclusively, for about a year. She lost a ton of weight, she was tiny to start with, her teeth started to turn black and fall out, I ended it when it became clear she was a junky.
She reached out a few times after I ended it. In those interfaces she agreed to meet me at the County health office for AIDS tests. I tested negative, she never gave me her results. I gave her mine. I may have dodged a huge bullet. Thankfully.
I am fortunate that I have not experienced the addiction of a family member or a close friend. The closes I/we have experienced is my MIL's gambling addiction. That is under control because she has no money other than a small allowance. Everything else is locked up and managed by a financial advisor who directly pays all of her bills. She would in all likelihood be homeless if DW and I had not mapped the management of her resources.
MIL's situation is calming to my DW and to me since the risk of her gambling her way into destitution is far less than it was when she had control of her income.
She and FIL lost both of their farms, she burned through a 20yr State retirement in less than 2yrs. It was a closely run thing. Fortunately, she hit rock bottom while she still had some time to recover.
You are the source of the best opportunity for help for yourself. Get a therapist, start locking up all of hte money, and get this kid out of your home and life. That may end your marriage. THough better to end the marriage than curse yourself to have to deal with this tragically flawed man and his disaster of a son.
Good luck.
All IMHO of course.