Am I the a hole
About me grew up in a PG13 version of the show Shameless so I have major trust issues which I do see a therapist for. This has made me an individualist that the main person I can rely on and trust is me. My briggs myers from work puts me as a solid ENTJ. I am intolerant of BS or anything that puts me out regularly. I dont express emotions well and when feeling most things it shows as anger. My error in communication with my fiancee is I eat the irriation and frustration of these kids lounging around making messes complaining about internet speed and lag and our food etc for months then start making nasty comments back to them or complaining to her how shitty they are. This has been on loop for 2 years. I paint this as many posts Ive seen here dont mention their own shortcommings in the story.
I am living with my fiance and her 3 kids SD19 SS 17 and SS 16. I have 2 kids son 21 senior in college and then to grad school and a 17 yr daughter who lives with her mom 90% of the time. My ex and I always had a goal of kids being self sufficient and launch and that kids go try on their own at 18 and had a lot of goals and consequences if they didnt meet those goals. When I got into this relationship I felt I knew teens and this was everyones gameplan. These step teens as I have milage with them now are very unlike my son who I had half the time prior to college. The oldest SD 19 gave me some hope as she has some direction and self motivation and went off to school like most kids over 18 do. The 2 boys are immature, have no goals, sit watching tiktok playing xbox or watching sports all day is main goal, one has horrible hygene and his room at the top of the steps smells like a sweaty jock strap I have to walk by to get to my room everyday. She does try to parent them but they know if they ignore and delay 3x she forgets then cleans up after them later. My fiance has a job where she doesnt make much money and I do very well. Her ex has a good job but is crazy, and she feels if she gives an inch he will want a mile so fights tooth and nail on everything. This has gotten worse over the 3 years weve been togther. For example the 2 boys needed haircuts and both bio parents refused for 2 months, finally I broke down and just took them for their self esteem and paid the $40 bucks. I dont think her ex is going to do much money wise after the kids ar 18. I own the house we live in. She pays me a small amount monthly and covers 2 bills and groceries. I have fears that her kids will not launch and with her small earnings and ex being fine if he can pawn off financial obligations elsewhere by playing chicken with the kids. I see me on the hook for them if they dont launch. I trust my fiance that she wont ask me to pay their rent or their college in full (I had started saving for them seeing this trainwreck coming to help with options) but I do see her feeling it reasonable for them to live with us up to 25 YO and then in case of need in future past (divorce she mentioned). Ive recently been triggered that her oldest (whom seemed to be on a better track) doenst like being away and wants to come back and live with us 100% of the time and do online college. She comes with a 20 yo boyfriend who when shes home is always there too adding to dishes wrappers etc. He also up to recently couldnt keep a job for more than 2 months and isnt interested in college. I have fears he will get her pregnant and then there is another liabilty for me. My fiancee says I need to relax and from my past I need to stop negative future forture telling about her kids and they a just normal kids and Im unreasonable and no one can predict the future. (which I did predict the oldest would come back) I dont feel I can discuss these concerns with her as she is so biased as they are her kids. She says the issue is my anger and toxic negative thoughts and tons of step dads man up and deal with step kids (which she doesnt have to do with my kids). FYI up front I told her I didnt date anyone with young kids or no dad in picture as I didnt want to be responsible for 3 kids no my own. I mainly feel obligation concern and anger about these kids. I thought gettng into relationship would be off to college in 3 to 4 years not 5 to 10 to who knows maybe more!
Anyhow am I the A hole for not unconditionally loving them and just taking this all on? Anyone else have this loop howd you get off it?
Sorry long and I do numbers not works so Im sure poor sentence structre and painful to read.
If you are an a-hole, I am
If you are an a-hole, I am too. With my own kid. I've told my kid that they won't be lounging around after high school. The expectation is they will be in full-time school progressing toward a degree that will make them self-sufficient, or some kind of job training program, or working and living independently. Your expectations are not unreasonable. Idk about your delivery of those expectations as far as your tone, etc.
I'd be an ahole too w/ your
I'd be an ahole too w/ your situation and it's a label you should wear proudly in your situation. There's no shame in the ahole game when you're paying for everyone to do nothing. As I see it, from what little you've shared, your wife isn't going to change anything, her ex isn't going to change anything and her kids for sure aren't going to change anything. Why would they, you bear the brunt of it all. They're getting their needs met and you ... what exactly do you get out of all of this? You matter too and maybe you need to spend more time telling yourself that.
So I ask what I always ask here: where do you see your situation in 5 years?
This is spot on. Please
This is spot on. Please listen to this. I am in a similar situation with my DH - every year I pull back a little bit more and there is NO boomranging back. Did that with both his kids and it was onerous and not fun. You've earned the right to live life the way you want. Set your goals and that will help you set your boundaries. We hope for an update !
No you are not. They are not
No you are not. They are not your kids and you have been clear that you are not their dad and are not going to play that game from the beginning. You have the right to say who lives in your house and how long. It's also appropriate for kids to pay into family expenses after high school if they are living at home and not going to college. It's also fine to say when they need to find a new place to live. You have every right to insist on a launch plan and to object to any boomerangs. Loving their mom doesn't dictate that you become a charity. In many places you're SO would be able to ask for continued support from the BD after 18 for college. Check the laws where you live. Also if the BD has court ordered child support, which there should be a formal written order for everyone's sake, and isn't paying that doesn't go away just because the kids turn 18. He still has to pay up so don't let that slide.
unfortunately yes many teen boys are lazy and smelly so that's not really that out of the ordinary but that's why they need training. Their mom needs to keep after them, that's literally what parenting is. She might be tired but her job isn't done. They need more guidance at this age than ever. It might help to make a point to commend her when she does parent them. Sometimes people get burnt out and a little encouragement and kindness from their partner can really help. If she feels like all she does is fight with the kids and then get criticism from you she might just give up and stop trying. It sounds like you're aware of your own issues so that's good. While your negativity or anger are not the source of these problems, continuing to try and grow yourself will help your own happiness. In the end, maybe this is not the circus for you.
Your not an AH.. but, I think
Your not an AH.. but, I think you do need to have a calm and rational discussion with your SO about your concerns. You can accept some fault for assuming that she would be on the same page and allowed it go go along without clear boundaries.. but now is the time to discuss.. especially with the oldest looking to boomerang.
I might talk to her about her kid's rooms.. and how her bailing them out is hurting them.. they need to learn to care for themselves.. and they have short time to figure out what they will be as adults..
Nope, you are not the asshole.
My SS was not ready for University and had no interest in working. So, we worked his ass off as our live in beck-&-call chore bitch. It took about 4mos of working his ass off for us for no pay before he enlisted in the USAF.
He is doing great. He is nearing 14yrs of service and his plan is to serve at least 20yrs and qualify for full retirement.
The best thing about your situation is that you are not married to these kids' BM. So, end your torture, rekey the locks, and get them all off of your payroll.
She is not your equity life partner, you are her provider. Respect yourself more. Get on with your life without them.
Take care of you.
NTA. From what you've posted
NTA. From what you've posted your concerns are valid. We see it all the time - the kids will take as much as they can get away with and parents are usually going to put up with a lot more than the stepparents are comfortable with.
If you don't put boundaries in place, they will walk all over you. I suggest you decide what you can live with and make that your line in the sand. Will you allow SD to boomerang back and if so, what will the conditions be? Will she have to work a part time job, go to school full time, pay rent etc? I personally would not feel comfortable with this "online" college. It might be great for older people with busy schedules but I have a feeling it's just a way for her to be lazy and hang around the house. Nope, not on my watch. If you do feel ok with it then I would definitely make it a condition that she atleast works part time (20hrs/week). Draw up a plan and put it in writing.
For the younger boys, I would suggest either full time college, working part-time and college part-time, or working full time.
Give a launch date for all three (ie after college, after 6 months/1 year of working full time etc.)
BUT (and I always include this) the key is your finance has to be on board with all this. If not, you're going to have a uphill battle of undermining, excuses, rule bending, and broken promises on your hands.
Personally if I was in your shoes, I would NOT marry this woman until you see how all this plays out with the kids. You wouldn't be the first miserable stepparent with a gaggle of failure-to-launch adults sucking you dry.
Personally if I was in your
Agree
However you already see how she rolls and the likelihood of improving her parenting skills so her sons can be sufficient as adults and future spouses is looking bleak.
If you and your spouse are not on the same page regarding parenting after 18 then it's gonna be a bumpy ride for you.
I know talk is cheap
We all get trapped. Your GF doesn't make that much money and can not move out and paid her own bills. Rent, electric, car
You must put your foot down, kids go out everyday to look for a job. They must leave the house for six hours. Limit internet and Xbox. Your hone, your internet, your electricity. Golden rule. The person with the gold makes the rules. If SO doesn't like it she can move. Kids can move back to BF. bet he doesn't want them . Unless you stop this now it will never end. You will have 40 yo SK playing the next Xbox
I am the same way as you are.
I am the same way as you are.
And this is one of the major reasons I decided to leave my fiancé.
I don't like having most kids as roommates (especially the ones that are messy, loud, and lazy) but tolerate it since they're under 18.
We discussed the plans for 18+ kids and mine is fully sufficient (car, honor society student, philanthropist, works a job, college bound, living in dorms) and respectful
His have no direction, horrible in school, lazy, no work ethic, don't want to go to college, no jobs, no car no bike, etc....
Kids fail to launch partly because their bio parents didn't understand the concept of preparing them years ahead of 18. My kid is launching into the college dorms but I prepared her for years in advance
I flat out told this dude since his kids aren't going to college / not living in dorms then his kids either live with their mother after high school or they get jobs NOW (not like they have homework or extracurricular a) work as much as they can from 16-18 and the money saved will be used for a down payment on a house where they will get a better job and have 2 roommates to help pay off mortgage.
He refused so I refused the relationship
Not about to have some overgrown loud sloppy kids lazing around my house creating issues from now until infinity. I work too hard and I refuse to financially support able bodied adults especially male offspring.
I didn't want to get stuck with permanent houseguest who suck up resources then never leave then next thing they bring their FWB over, be seggsing in my house more than I do, and now I got 3 mf generations up in my house
HELL NO!!!!
Hopefully a correction. X-fiance' .... Right?
Don't forget the X prefix on that.
Take care of you.
NTA
Not the a.hole. You need to draw boundaries and respect yourself. You're not their father and don't need to be a provider either. You owe nothing to them unless you want to do something nice. But after doing something nice, don't resent them. Only do it if you really want to do it. But otherwise, no obligation.
Also, your SD doesn't have the right to be bringing her BF over & stay there all the time. Tell him to p*ss off. Its your house, your rules. If you don't like him, get him to leave. If she gets pregnant, its also not your obligation to give them a home. Not your kid, not your problem. Draw the line.
Run!
You are not the A hole but you might be a slow learner? It can be hard but wow, do you really want this to be your life? Why take this on? It sounds like you and your ex did well by your kids even after you split. If I were you I would run (which in your case means a legal eviction process. That might be difficult but to continue with these people? That will be a life of misery. Once they are gone, celebrate! Enjoy your "kids" and just simplify your life, you only get one go-round.