Before I make suggestions, I just want to say "welcome to the site, Im glad you are here! And also welcome to the site I am sorry you need to be here!"

I would encourage you to read around on here, especially in the forums and the adult forums. Theres a special sort of life suck that happens when the adult skids are that bad and still dependent. JRI has LOADS of experience and she can tell you "this seldome gets better, especially when the bio parents do not want to make skids mad at them".

My biggest suggestion would be that you separate your finances and all that immediately. Not one more cent of YOURS goes to SS. Any $$ that your husband gives, your bank account gets equal dollars. Is husband wealthy on his own? Make certain you have life insurance and house and that stuff is in YOUR name. Get yourself to a financial advisor or estate lawyer. 

Because SS is an addict. Your husband is enabling an addict. Theres a whole psychology to that and it sucks. Time to read up or go to therapy  alanon or narcanon, if you havent before. Learning and knowledge gives you understanding and understanding gives you more options. And this will make you appear more empathetic to husband.

SS doesnt want to change. The grandchild is the innocent victim of his addiction and his selfishness. That breaks my heart. And the BM of his child is also a victim.

He sounds like a POS trashy selfish entitled narcissist.

Im so sorry.

Oh, and when you really reach the end of your rope, you can always move out and "date" your husband and leave him to his SS.

Years of turmoil.

Unfortunately you married into an unhealthy family. The enabler and rescuer is your DH. The victim, poor widdle SS and his addictions. YOU will end up being the bad guy because you want to address the issue. SS certainly doesnt want that. Your DH probably wants the issues addressed, but his role as enabler and resuer is already established and it keeps him on a "good" path with SS.  

The little girl would do better being far away from her addicted daddio. Just my opinion, and speaking from experience.

Good luck. Read around on here . You have an uphill battle that generally wont go in your favor hun.

Blessings

Couples' counseling and al-anon. 

I think you need to divorce him at least on paper. If or rather when his son kills someone your DH will be sued. Given that he is aware the SS doesn't even have a license and drives drunk, insurance won't cover the accident & he will lose evrything. 

CPS needs to be called on your SS because nobody is protecting that little girl from a drug addict who is going to end up killing himself or some innocent bystander (like his daughter).  Next read up on enabling and what the reality of your life is going to be being married to an enabler of a drug addict.  Protect yourself financially, because when your SS kills somebody the family will come after DH’s and YOUR assets.  Take this seriously, your SS is going to kill somebody and his father is doing nothing to protect his granddaughter, himself or you from the fallout of his addiction. 

My SS is in recovery, but those active addiction years were hell and I did just about leave DH. It's one of those times that love is not enough. I know my need for housing and financial stability, and supporting an addict threatened both of those things.

DH did the same thing with the car -- gave it to SS and didn't change title to SS. The inevitable happened and DH was sued for an accident involving SS. It all worked out, but I was furious about DH's enabling and coddling behavior. At one point SS had no place to live, so DH paid for a hotel. A nice hotel. Free movies and breakfast. After three days of that and excuse after excuse as to why SS couldn't find anywhere else to go, I had enough and that was my line in the sand. DH stopped paying after many tears and arguments, and miraculously SS found a place to go that same day.

DH wouldn't go to al-anon or similar, but we do have friends in recovery. They were very generous with their time and compassion and they guided DH along the path to stop the enabling. When SS finally got into a recovery program, he also recognized that DH was a co-dependent enabler and SS basically had to shut out DH for a while. NOT helping your child when the child is suffering or hurting feels wrong, but in this case NOT helping is the only right thing to do. I suggest your DH find an avenue to really learn about addiction, and his role as enabler. An addictions counselor would be ideal.

Even though I still have issues with DH's kids, I'm proud of SS. He's come a long way. He hasn't asked us for anything for several years now, and the few times that DH offered to help him with cash, SS refused.

All that to make a couple of points: First, nothing good will come from your DH's enabling of his son. He is actually preventing him from hitting bottom, and while no parent wants their child to suffer, addiction recovery requires it. Addiction is a disease, not a moral failing.  Second, you must protect yourself. An addict will take down everyone and everything around him if it means he can get to the next high. If the only way to protect yourself is to leave your DH, you have to do that. I hope your DH sees the hard reality in front of him.

After you bailed him out, did he show up in court? Did you get the bond back?

Hi,

 Sorry to hear you are stuck in this situation. Your DH needs to stop enabling his son and draw a hard line at what he will or won't do for him. This may cause you both to be shut out of your grand daughter's life. Sad, but it happens as the parents (our Sk's) use the grandchild to manipulate us. 

I would let DH know that you are hurt that he sees you as "the bad guy" because you want to protect him from manipulation, and in turn, protect yourself from manipulation from his son. I would ask him to imagine the situation reversed. What if your hypothetical 22 year old son was doing this, and you were allowing it, which caused your marriage to fall apart? How would he feel?

He may be deep in denial - saying things like "You don't have kids so you dont' understand." Well yes, you don't have kids, but you have a heart. You can see how much this tears him up and you want to prevent this. Also, you don't want to be put in situations where you have to feel exposed, mistreated, or used because your husband can't stand up for himself. Everyone loves their kids. This doesn't excuse ss's behavior or your husband's refusal to see it or take action.

Your husband thinks he is helping his son. He isn't. Either way your husband will be hurt by this. The choice is his whether he is hurt forever, or hurt for now. Also, whether he has the balls to do the right thing for his son, however hard it may be. My DH went through this with his daughters in a way, and I told him exactly where I stood, and when I would leave him if he kept on doing what he was doing. 

Finally my DH saw the light - when he nearly had his 3rd heart attack from stress. No blocked arteries, no narrowing of arteries, just plain old stress from his kids manipulating him for money. 

We are here for you. Many of us have gone through this and come out the other end. My DH and I are still together. All three daughters went through a period where they refused to speak to us because we enforced the rules. They all 3 talk to him now and are better people because he did the right thing. Two out of 3 of the SD's talk to me, but the oldest one I don't want a relationship with because she is a bit of a sociopath and doesn't respect me or her dad.

I'm still dealing with my lying, manipulative, thieving, addicted, sick DD61 so, take it from me, this will never end with your SS.  If you're staying with your DH, like I've done, then you need to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself in many respects cuz these enabling parents don't change. 

I won't go into the saga of what drove these decisions but we separated finances.  He has an "allowance" so if he chooses to respond to her "emergencies", it comes from that and he has less for himself.  We subsidize her living expense for a predetermined amount but not one cent more out of the family money. She cannot live here again.  She cannot come over without calling first and must knock before entering.  She cannot be in the house alone.

I hardened my heart about her family issues with her 3 kids and 4 gkids.  Nothing personal about any of them and I have a good relationship with them all but I don't listen to any of her never ending drama.  For one thing, she's such a liar, I can't believe what she says.  So, I don't respond unless I hear from one of them in person.

When she's here, I'm nervous.  I am detached.  I never ask her a question, try to maintain a civil, polite attitude.  When I do let down and interact with her, he is touchingly grateful but I'm so wary of her toxic influence.   She is DHs daughter, nothing will change that or his concern for her but I've had to set boundaries to protect myself.  

If your DH is determined that his son can have the truck... he needs to sign it over.. for free.. whatever.. he won't make the kid pay for it anyway.  get it off your insurance.. let the kid figure that out.. but don't allow it to be YOUR problem.

Clearly your SS has addiction issues.. and he likely has some behavioral ones as well.. the fighting etc..   His mom sounds like a peach not worried about her son on drugs.  And.. your DH constantlly enabling him?  that isn't helping either.  I would also not really be that interested in being his "parent" in any capacity.. 

I would disengage.. he was grown and launched (poorly) when you met him.  He is not your worry or concernt except when your DH enables him.. do not allow your joint funds to ever support his bad decisions going forward.  If you want to be in your husband's grandaughter's life?  that is fine.. but be aware that these ties to dysfunction can be drama filled and heartbreaking.

That many of us have PSED from step life.  That your story opens up old wounds. Sorry for my iPad frezzing.  
Yes your head is on straight.  Unfortunately you know what you have to go.

Let him crash and burn.   It won't happen unless you let him realize the natural consequences of his choices.  Unfortunately, the GSkid will be even harder to save from the tragedy of the parents.

Sign the truck over and he has a place to sleep.  Two birds one stone.  

You need to be realistic and mentally tough about this - no more of your resources going to enable the addict, no more bailing him out. Take all necessary steps to protect yourself financially, and get healthy by getting educated about addiction. Drag the issue into the light and don't let your H rugsweep it. Detach, and do a thorough assessment to ensure the addict has no financial ties to you whatsoever.

Regarding his daughter, calling CPS is the right thing to do as she is NOT safe with him, and it can be done annonymously. Also, reach out to her mother and start building a relationship with her. Support the healthy parent instead of allowing the addict to hold power over you.