Step Daughter’s Wedding Day
I joined this forum years ago and haven't posted in a long time but I thought I would post to get current with my journey as a step dad. Yesterday was my stepdaughter's wedding, but during the reception I was deeply hurt. Thankfully she married a really good man with a solid family so I couldn't be happier about that. My stepdaughter (21) met him about a year ago while at college. My backgound: I've been married for 15 years, no bio kids and my wife was widowed and had three young kids (2 daughters, 1 son) when we met and the kids seemed to like me in the beginning so I had high hopes for the future hoping my wife and I would have a child but my wife was 41 and the fertility doc said it wasn't going to happen. This was really depressing for me as I really wanted to experience having a baby, watching your child's first steps, etc. My stepdaughter was 5 when her mother and I married and things were good for a few years. She wanted to spend time with us going on hikes, bike rides, soccer games, etc. until she turned age 11 and things changed quickly as she went through the normal mental stages of going from a child to a preteen to an adult. After age eleven, I tried establishing a good relationship with my SD and sometimes we talked but other times I felt she put up a wall. This went back and forth until we paid for her to go to college in California. Fast forward again and she met her boyfriend through church and after meeting him through different vacation trips and family dinners he asked me for permission to marry her. As I said he was a good man. I was wondering if I would get the privilege of walking her down the aisle down the aisle but a couple months before the wedding she proposed that her brother and I walk her down the aisle together. She was always very close to her brother, (my stepson, now 29 hrs old) so I wasn't really surprised but I was still hurt.
The wedding reception.
During the wedding reception is where the real pain came in. A couple months before her wedding my stepdaughter talked to my wife and she confessed she didn't want a stepfather-daughter dance. Instead she wanted a mother-daughter dance. I was hoping that at least I could have a step-father daughter dance at the reception but found out at the last minute by reading the reception card that only a mother-daughter dance was scheduled. I was crushed and felt embarrassed as every wedding I had been to in my life had a father daughter dance. My wife confessed that she purposely didn't tell me because she knew I would be really hurt. I can't say that in the back of my mind I didn't suspect that could happen but I was just hoping I could have had that honor. It was just really difficult.
I can tell you are hurt....
I can tell you are hurt by this but it was one incident and the wedding is over now. The good thing is your SD is married to a good man and hopefully off your hands now. I'd try not to let this bother me too much. As far as your relationship with SD, take her cue. At worst, it could be civil and polite even if she chooses to stay detached from you. Let her be for awhile.
When she has kids, she might have a new appreciation of you -babysitting. Wait and see if I'm right. Good luck.
I'm sorry you were not able
I'm sorry you were not able to have your own children.. and that her children were not open to having you as a replacement for the father they lost. It's tough.. it's likely that they didn't want to be disloyal to their father's memory.. with younger following older's lead. It could also be that they felt pressed to accept you and naturally pushed back because it came on "too strong" for them?
From your post several years ago, I'm not sure that I would have had the same expectation or hope to walk her down the aisle.. to be put in the "father" role. Idon't think it's unusual for her to pick her brother for that honor either.
You have done a lot for these kids.. but being a parent isn't transactional.. (or shouldn't be).. they don't necessarily owe you the role of dad.. just because you paid for things. But.. then again... it was your choice to pay.. or not.. so as a "non-parent".. you could have opted out of that if you chose..
Going forward.. I would be friendly.. and pleasant.. but consider these people what they really are.. your wife's children.
I don't know if foster care or adoption is out of the question at your age or not.. something to think about.. and if the "bedroom squatter" isn't your "son".. perhaps he needs to hustle along as the adult he is.
Only thing I would or would not do
Was pay for her wedding.if she doesn't want me to walk her down the aisle..... I sure she doesn't want my money. To pay for a wedding I was snub from
SD was young when her bio dad
SD was young when her bio dad died. Kids process death differently than adults. Life milestones tend to bring the childhood grief front and center. The walk down the aisle, the father/daughter dance brought on complex emotions. I would not be sure that these portend the future.
What I'd be most upset about is that your wife did not tell you in advance about the mother/daughter dance. You should have been given time to process this in advance. This should not have been sprung on you that day.Your wife was wrong not to tell you.
Thank you for all your replies :-)
I wanted to thank everyone for your replies to my post. Your replies gave me some perspective I didn't consider. It's true, being a parent or step parent shouldn't be transactional. I chose the role of step parent and I was warned by friends before the marriage that being a step parent has major challenges. I was full of hope for my own child by using in vitro if needed or other fertility treatments but after we married I could tell my wife's heart wasn't in it, especially after having three kids. My pride told me I would be a great dad to her kids but reality was very different. I found that being a father is much more difficult than I anticipated and as the replies to my post mentioned step kids could probably tell how hard I pushed to be accepted by them. I would never choose this again if I could go back in time with what I know now. My wife agrees that she would have not chose it either if she could go back. I do try to consider the positive times with the skids and hold to those memories. I didn't consider that a major life event like getting married would bring back my stepdaughters thoughts and feelings for her deceased father, maybe as the replies mention that was the reason for the mother daughter dance, so the replies helped me understand her perspective. I was just hoping that my SD would have emailed or texted me about her decision to give me a heads up. Or was hoping my wife would have told me ahead of time. My own high expectations are to blame because her sister, my other step daughter gave me the honor of walking down the aisle at her wedding so I assumed (shouldn't do that, I know) that her sister would also. Each child is different. I am a stubborn person and I thought as time went on my relationship with skids would get better. Time did not improve it but there are small moments of good times we have had. I still wish I could have had my own child but at 55 I maybe have 20 decent years left and I'm conflicted about the fairness of having a new born who would grow up and lose their father at a young age. Or the same scenario happening after adopting a child. It's difficult weighing my own desire for a child vs what is fair to the child. Another guy I work with is my age and recently adopted a new born and has fostered and adopted many kids with his wife before that. He felt called to do that. He encouraged me to do the same if I still had the desire. Being a foster father five years ago was a wonderful experience, but challenging. It was so tough letting our foster son back with his mother only for him to be put in foster care again in another state. I have to have the right heart to choose to foster again and sometimes I still think about it.
Crappy
That was crappy that neither your wife or SD gave you a heads up.
In all intentions and purposes you were dad, you took on a father role with a huge heart and high hopes. Both your wife and SD were lucky to have you. Im fuming mad for you.
Both your wife and SD failed you in this.
The mere fact that you were step dad and you did so much for your wife and SD really makes me mad. This ISNT about transactional expectations this was about human and family behavior.
SHAME ON THEM!
You are a good man, better than most.
Blessings
Thank you!
I have often thought of the points you bring up and then I go back and forth on how I perceive I should be treated by my step kids. Both step daughters seem to kept me at a distance for 15 years now. My step son has been more accepting of me (thank God for that!). I often think of mistakes I may have made with the skids like not finding enough common activities to develop a friendship with them. There have been small successes. One of my stepdaughters lives with us and her husband and our grand baby. We are letting them live here rent free so they can save up money for a house. I hoped that would help but she still puts up a wall with talking to me most of the time. She has spoken to me a few times which was really nice. Hee husband is much more social with me and I do get to see my step grandchild. I try to appreciate what social interaction that happens with her.
It sounds like you don’t have
It sounds like you don’t have as close as a relationship with your spouse or her children as you thought. Either they kept this from you based off of a history only they know, or you are just the “money man” and they never cared about your feelings to begin with.
Very true!
Yes, I definitely have felt like the money man. It's not a nice feeling. You are right though, I often times think I have a better relationship with the two stepdaughters than I actually do. They have sent me Father's Day cards and emails wishing me happy birthday so I think maybe they like me more than I think they do. But then, stuff like the mother daughter dance happens and I get slapped in the face. In the past my step daughters haven't spoken with me because they say it's"awkward" for them. It's sucks and it hurts when I walk in a room and they leave to avoid feeling awkward. My wife and I have spoken with them about it, things momentarily improve then back to the same same.
So, we now know where SD gets her bitch genes from.
Your DW did not tell you about the reception dance and she knew, for months.
I would be hurt, and infuriated with both of that harpy duo. I hope you did not drop a Cent on that wedding. If you did, call a collections service to recover your money.
I would. Of course you won't get a penny, but, at least SD will get harrassed with collection calls.
Assholes should not profit from decent people.
IMHO of course.
smh.
Sadly, the odds are that the good man OSD married will find out that he was sold a false bill of goods with his bride. She will invariably show her true colors with him, as she and her mother, have with you. As they say. Acorns to not fall far from the tree. Buckle up. When OSD spawns, she will be running to you and mommy for money for her spawn, and will use the GSkids as torture tools against you. Hopefully, her new DH will find clarity before he pollutes his gene pool with her.
I hope you can write off this train wreck and learn to protect yourself.
You can bet that
No more money will flow from my wallet. We gave them $3000 as a wedding gift believe me we will not be giving them any more money. I'm glad that I didn't pay for the wedding. I just wish they would have told me that there would be no step father daughter dance. If they had, I would have at least been able to prepare myself.
What are you going to do about it?