Giving Up
Just some feedback on stepmother's day before I continue with my next rant. The girls did make me cards and got me chocolates. It was absolutely amazing. I felt so special and so appreciated. It really meant so much to me.
So carrying onto my rant. I can honestly say that most of the troubles that I am facing as a stepmom is not with the kids themselves but mainly with my partner and his ex partner who is the mother of the kids.
So ever since my partner and myself have been together I have seen that he carries most of the responsibility when it comes to the kids. It is obviously not fair. They never went the legal route when they broke up and any arrangements they have is what they came up with between themselves.
My partner labels the kids mom as useless and unreliable. Yes she can be but I strongly feel it's because he allows it. He's constantly just giving and she is forever just taking. He is making it so easy for her to just take advantage and not step up to the plate how she should.
She does not struggle financially, she has a good job. We are the ones in a bit of a financial crisis. Yet she doesn't help pay school fees, she does not help with fetching the kids from school and this on her days. She does not help with the kids school homework like how she should.
In fact the other week the girls didn't want to go home to their own mother because they were worried about their homework and who was going to help them. I can't understand why my partner is not putting his foot down.
I've actually tried to intervene myself by having a meeting with the kids mom. I thought that the meeting went quite well as she agreed to help with the school fees and to make a plan to fetch the girls from school on her days.
Since the meeting not much has changed. Unfortunately! I only tolerate all of this because I love my partner but at the end of the day it's not fair towards me or our relationship. This morning my partner asked me if I could maybe try and fetch the girls from school on Wednesday because he will be in a meeting and his mom is not able to assist.
Guess what everyone?! Wednesdays are her days! I know she is stuck at work too but so am I. They are her kids too, not just my partner's kids. Her mom is off this week. When I told my partner that his ex partner's mother is off this week and she can assist with fetching them from school he got upset.
I don't understand why everything must fall back on us. All I know is that I don't see our relationship working out if he doesn't start to put his foot down, especially once we have our own child. I do want a child of my own but I sure as hell won't tolerate any of this nonsense once I have my own child to worry about.
I don't even really know if I am asking for advice because I have spoken to my partner so many times. I guess I am just sharing. I feel sad. I feel sad knowing that the possibility of this relationship not working out is getting stronger.
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Comments
I totally get your
I totally get your frustration with your DH's dynamic with his EX and the kids.
BUT.. accept it for what it is.. and at this point.. you are going to have to either figure out how to live with it.. or you will be miserable staying in the relationship.
Thank goodness you haven't already gotten pregnant.. as many come here with THAT already in the works and a mile long list of complaints and "not going to happen when we have our baby" statements.
because.. uhh.. you have a baby with this guy? it will be as it is now.. he wil continue to do the lion's share of the parenting.. he will expect you to be his partner in helping him with his children. period.. that is how it will go... if you don't wan that? you need to find a new partner.. you have made it clear what you want.. he has made it clear.. things are not changing
and.. for goodness sake.. don't talk with his EX about things.. it's not your job.. your place.. and won't net any success anyway.. it only changes if he insists it does.. he won't.
Unfortunately, nobody is
Unfortunately, nobody is going to fix BM because nobody is holding BM accountable for her end of the deal. The only way to improve the situation is to take BM to court and aim for full custody. If your DH can prove that he is the parent doing everything and financially supporting the kids, he may have a chance. Either way, he really needs a court order to be able to hold BM accountable both with care and finances. You need to stay out of that "co-parenting" dynamic - no meetings with BM, no texts/calls to BM, etc. It isn't your role and will shoot you in the foot eventually.
As far as the rest, you shouldn't be picking up any of the parenting slack. If BM can't parent, then DH will have to. If BM can't get the kids Wednesday and DH and his Mom can't, DH will have to make alternate arrangements or miss his meeting. Repeat this mantra: "WHAT WOULD DH DO IF I WASNT IN THE PICTURE?" The answer is, he would have to figure it out. Maybe, you not picking up the slack, will make DH realize how much of a PITA BM is and make him want to hold her accountable. Right now, he has no incentive to do so because you are making his life so much easier. Disengage and let DH handle his kids and his lazy ex-wife.
Wednesdays are her days? Then
Wednesdays are her days? Then it's her problem to find a solution. I don't understand why your SO would be upset that you refused to go and get the kids unless ... he promised her you would do it. If that's the case, it's time to spell it out to him that he does not own your time and that he is never to involve you again. Why should you run errands/babysit for his ex wife? Why would he even imagine that you'd consider doing so?
BM is a full adult woman
You are not going to change her. So how you deal with it it's up to you. It's unfair to the kids to have a crappie BM.
so you either step up or. Leave. Full knowing if you step up you may get no thanks .
Oh MY GAWD
So what if DH gets upset. I know its easy for me to say it but you have to live with it.
Hun I hope you find the strength to tell DH "too fckg bad, Wednesday is her MOTHERS day not his," plus why is your work less important than BMs ? This is a step skid not your own. If DH wants to cater to BM then he can find a fckg way to get his kid. PERIOD.
Stop doing or this will never end
Id think twice, hell Id think a hundred times why have a kid with a man who is more worried about an ex wife than his wife.
Exactly
Came to say this. It's her day, she can figure it out, but her work is not more important than yours. All he is doing is enabling her, at your expense. The great part of this is that we all get to say no, and it's a completely acceptable answer, Even if it means DH will be salty because now he has to stand up to BM or find another way. But you are his wife, not her, and it's her kid, not yours.
Sigh. Why is is that so many SParents put up with tempermental
idiot partners?
Write this dickhead off ... NOW. And get on with your life leaving him to deal with his toxic failed family situation.
You do not need him or them.
Do not sully your gene pool with this failed parent and failed man. He gets mad at his SO because his poor choice in failed family breeding partners is useless? Really?
Take care of you.