Pregnant and step daughter mad
So DH and I have 2 "ours" kids (6,2) and DH has 15yr old daughter from previous relationship. we have been together since step daughter was 3, her parents split before she turned 1.
all this to say we announced today we are pregnant with "our" 3rd, and step daughter was unhappy. When we told her she said "oh god" which husband asked does that mean your not excited she says "it doesn't matter what I think it's not like I have a choice".
ok so she comes over every other weekend for 2 days/1 night. She rarely helps with anything, has no chores, but does occasionally help pickup toys. She doesn't change the kids, bath the kids, or care for them in any parental type of way.
I keep trying to understand what her reaction was about. She doesn't like really like even coming over, I don't see how this would affect her in any negative way. The two "ours" kids adore her and she seems to like them.
as she has gotten older she does make comments to her dad about how he and I have this nice house, cars, etc, and her mom struggles because she is alone (they live with her grandparents, mom has another child but is single).
Part of me wants to be empathetic but the other part of me is just sick of her not wanting to be part of our family. She is always very annoyed and bored the weekends she comes over, won't conversate, sits in silence on the couch, just acts miserable. I wish I never had to see her again and it makes me not want any of my kids around her.
ok I know I am being petty, I am really just venting not looking for advice but I am curious if this is a typical response of a teen. With the two other children she wasn't excited but also wasn't overtly disappointed. so I don't know what this is about, and don't know whether I should care or ignore it.
- Kcbrown35's blog
- Log in to post comments
Comments
I’d say part of sd’s disgust might be the fact her dad is
Getting you pregnant when she is 15 like he should be done by now.
my husband married in his late 20s, married 16 yrs to exwife before divorcing. We got married in his late 40s. Our daughter was born when hubby was a few days shy of turning 51. When ss found out i was pregnant, i was o/seas visiting my dad, hubby told his son and his son smiled.
ss was about 16 and smiled like daddy still has game and can still get women pregnant. Once our kid was born there was no feeling or anything. same thing when our son was born.
my kids are now 5.5 & 7 and when we flew back to hubby's country as he works overseas, ss did start playing and interacting with our kids, especially my son, he helped built his train tracks etc for him.
my husband however is very firm in that any bedroom matters (which having kids falls into), is none of skids business. He doesn't require their approval or permission as they are kids/kidults that lack basic life skills
my sd's had cut off contact with their dad before i even met him and didn't contact him for 5.5yrs. Yet had the nerve to guilt daddy for marrying me and having 2 kids with me who were toddlers at the time all because hubby loved us more and how can you blame him when sd's treat him with such disrespect, make lies about him and do bio mums bidding. Its not hard to understand why my husband prefers spending time with us more
From your previous posts, it
From your previous posts, it seems that whenever SD comes to visit, her father is mostly at work. Your DH has chosen a work schedule that makes him available for you and your kids together, but makes him unavailable for SD. I'm not sure how SD is expected to feel like part of the family, when her father's choices indicate otherwise. When her father asked her if she was excited for this pregnancy, she was honest and even tried to be somewhat diplomatic. Her answers don't indicate that she was "mad" per se. She just wasn't over the moon about it. IMO, if your DH wasn't prepared for her honest feelings, he shouldn't have asked.
She was disengaged prior to
She was disengaged prior to us having children, I hate to "blame" but dad was at bio moms will until I kind of made him go to court to get a custody order. Between 1-4 he had to see her at moms house couldn't take her places etc (for no reason except he just accepted those terms). When he got the custody arrangement SD would come over but was always quiet and just off. Maybe it's the first years she lost out on idk but I can say it's been a constant with her, it's not like when his job changed her attitude changed.
And what happened is we called her on speaker and the 6 year old told her guess what we are going to be big sisters again which she said oh god and husband said what's wrong your not excited. It was just a reaction to her off response. I get what you mean yes we need to be prepared for people's answers, but on the flip side she is 15 she needs to be prepared for people's reactions to her words... anyways thanks for taking the time to respond.
Id say ignore
Shes a teen. Shes all about her. Just find joy in your bios and dont worry about her feelings. In three years she will have aged out of visitation and if shes so miserable she can choose to live elsewhere.
As to her comments, I have a similar sitch. All the sympathy and consideration goes to mother Toxic Troll, who lives precariously in places that shes always either getting booted from or just needs to leave quickly. The whole "my poor mom" thing is annoying. And hopefully she will find it incentivising to do better and be better.
I get frustrated because anything that benefits SD16.5 seems to spill over to benefiting her mother, who doesnt do the work.
Like she got her mother to do paperwork for section 8 housing vouchers. In a beach town. SO me, who has a 3 bed house that she os co owner of with 2 living rooms, is jealous. I work. I pay taxes. Im subsidising this abusive jerk of a woman.
So, yeah...these things get complex, but like you, I need to remind myself that Im doing good, Im on track, my life is GOOD.
Don't over think too much
Don't over think too much about a teen's reaction. When we told SS and SD I was pregnant again, you could hear crickets lol. I think they were shocked and not sure what to expect from it.. it was a little underwhelming considering their first reaction a few years back was excitement with DD2.
After a few days they started coming around with the idea of a new sibling. When we found out we were having a boy SS was so excited to get a brother.
I think give her some space and let her deal with her teenage hormones and moods about it. I think it's more your DH issue and he may need to make more of an effort and try having some 1 on 1 time with her to make her feel more connected to him and your family (you will be flat out with your kids to have the mental space for this).
Try and not comment on her 'woe is BM' comments.. how BM lives isn't your problem. Whenever the skids used to say crap like that I'd walk out the room and busy myself.. partly because I can't stand the manipulative games BM smoooshes into their heads and also worried I would say something the skids wouldn't like to hear.
Teens are hard work.. get DH to talk to her and see if she may open up a bit more and her moody attitude may subside a bit.
The reason I brought up that
The reason I brought up that she doesn't help with them is because I didn't want people to assume she has to do a bunch for them when she comes over (I have always been firm with boundaries on that because I didn't want to hear her tell the sob story that she has to care for the kids, when she has done dishes she cries and says she is a slave). Which I personally do think she can help me cook or help dad clean up after dinner, she isn't cleaning the bathroom or anything but maybe sweep or vacuum (which I get the eye rolls and is miserable about, no chores ar her moms grandma does everything, so we are just terrible).
Thanks for your response I appreciate it!
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your responses. Sometimes I just need to vent and then realize it's not that big of a deal lol. Plus like many have said it's DH job to work on whatever may be going on with her. Thanks again everybody
I get it.
I get it. This girl has known you since she was a baby. Is it her fault she is caught in between homes and families? No. Its not your fault either. It happens bc thats life. I dont think BM fed her any ideas for this reaction. It was clearly observational based. She has to see her dad in a nice place with someone who is not her mom. On top of that she has to see and interact with her siblings who got to have the full dad and mom experiance while she comes from a broken home. On top of that her mom, a single mother is living with her mom and struggling. I know for a fact her BM does not want to be in this spot. I know she probably wanted what we all want, a lasting relationship. This is purely speculation and I dont know her but I was a struggling single parent of 2 boys. It was so hard and there were nights I cried myself to sleep bc I could not afford all the fun and cool things their dad could. We lived in a nice apartment , then moved to a really nice lake house but things got crazy when their dad lost his job and the CS stopped. That was my second job and how we covered more than half of the rent. Things spiraled quickly down the hole after we got to our 4th month of scrounging for every penny. I wanted to get a second job but I would mean leaving the boys then 7 & 8 at home at night alone. I couldnt find another job bc I could not afford to wait 2 -3 weeks until my bext pay check. It was very hard and super stressful. I had to move to another city that had a higher pay rate and leave our home behind. I stayed with my mom and dad and I worked from 5am-2am most nights. I saved and paid off all of our bills. I gave my mom money to take the boys out, on vacations and to cover anything they needed. When I finally told them I was moving back home my parents were so upset. Little did I know that my boys had been talking to my parents and their dad about me never being there for them. I took the money I saved and got us an apartment, took all our stuff out of the old house and set everything up. I had a job lined up and started soon after the move. It was summer and their dad met me to pick them up for the summer. My younger son told me, " Mommy, I miss you already and I cant wait to come home." Little did I know my boys had a plan with their dad and my parents to stay with their dad indefinately. I called them everyday, Id ask them if they ate and how things were going. Everything was fine. When it came time to pick them up they said they wanted to stay till the end of summer. We went back and forth about it and I finally gave in since their dad lived out of state. When the week came to pick them up they said they were not coming home, I didnt get to hear it from them bc thier dad didnt let me talk to them. I had a very very hard time with this. I struggled for 3 years with severe depression and had sucidial thoughts. Their dad ended up remarrying and I found out through my mom who told me the day before it happened. My boys were told many many things about me in my absence. What they were IDK but they were afraid of me. I never hit them, I never abused them, I never drank around them, I didnt do drugs, I didnt have strange men in and out of their lives. I was dating someone but they met him a year after we started talking.
My point is try not to assume things about the BM or BD unless you live in their home and know for a fact how they live. Its hard being a single mother. Life gives us challenges and we make it through somehow. What I do know is that it is hard for your SD to see all the things she could of had. Its no ones fault. I would reccomed dates with her on the weekends you have her. A date with dad, then a date with you the following weekend. There is still time to fix this.
I think is probably has some
I think is probably has some to do with it being an "ick" factor of a teen thinking her dad is having another kid "at his age".. maybe a bit of jealousy for the relationship she wasn't able to have, a little bit wondering how it will change her life.. ie resources not there for her to buy things for the baby and other kids.. and just being a teen..