Sports and visitation
So my DH has our step daughter every week Thursday and Friday from after school until 7, and then every other weekend.
she is in high school now as a freshman and has been playing sports. My husband and I love that she is playing sports but it's been hard because around the same time his job moved him to a new schedule working weekends. So since she now is in sports everyday after school he doesn't get to see her unless he takes a weekend off, or if she doesn't have practice. So far this year she played volleyball, and now softball, but even when she didn't play a winter sport she had conditioning for softball that she would go to, so it's been since august this has been going on.
it's been challenging because sometimes his ex lets him pick her up on other weekdays let's say if practice was canceled (even if it's not his day), and other times she throws the "it's not your day" card and he goes weeks without seeing his daughter.
Another side issue, his ex takes step daughters phone but doesn't inform him. So he will be texting her for several days with no response until he reaches out to mom who then says ya her phone is taken and I don't have to tell you, you can call me.
so today daughter didn't have school, husband was off, mother was working so daughter was with her grandma on moms side. Dad asks to pick her up mom says it's not your day. The rest of the week she has practices, he is planning on taking the weekend off but my question is, can dad say she can't play sports? Since they are cutting into his visits and he goes weeks without seeing her? We are in CA so any family codes or laws to support would be helpful.
we want her to be able to play but need mom to commit to being flexible otherwise this doesn't work.
Thank you!
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Right Of First Refusal is a
Right Of First Refusal is a law in some states, but I don't see it for California.
I guess whether dad can say
I guess whether dad can say she can't play sports depends on what their court order says, but if his daughter enjoys playing sports, what will be accomplished if he tells her she can't play? He'll see her a couple evenings a week, but what will her attitude be? How is she going to respond to a dad who took away her opportunity to play sports? She's a teenager - I can see it not going well at all.
My understanding is that California is a 50/50 state (or at least most parts of CA are). Did your husband ask for 50/50 custody? Is he going to be working weekends indefinitely? Is there another set custody schedule that would work better for him? Maybe he should pursue that rather than cutting out his daughter's activities.
Thanks for your response and
Thanks for your response and perspective. It is hard because I'm sure she would be upset, my husband and I both played sports in HS and I want her to have that but not at the cost of him not seeing her for a month at a time.
As for his job, it really is the only option right now because we have two kids and we work alternating schedules to care for them because the little one is special needs and we can't have her in childcare. So this schedule will likely be the regular for the foreseeable future.
the only other option would be for her to stay the night with us after practice and we have asked about that but SD had a fit and wouldn't even try it.
seems like back to court we must go.
sometimes it's just like god is this really worth the effort? In 3 years SD will be an adult and likely will never come around, why drag this all out, maybe he should just let her do what she wants even if that means rarely seeing him.
Our court ordered that SS10's
Our court ordered that SS10's sports took precedence over DH's long distance parenting time. Because SS is so invested in football (thanks to a PASing BM), BM can rearrange DH's summer visitation to accommodate sporting obligations per our CO. Is it fair? No, but it is what SS wants.
If you have a CO, follow it. But BM is correct that she does not have to give DH additional time if it is "not his day." If the schedule no longer works for DH, I recommend mediation or court to work out a new schedule that allows SD to do both.
Ya our court order just says
Ya our court order just says joint legal custody, and then for sports just says can't be enrolled in more than 2 sports. So it's not really clear what happens if the sports interfere with visits. And yep I guess back to court we go, it's just so ridiculous when baby mamma says stuff like oh I really want you and daughter to have a relationship blah blah blah. No you obviously don't when you won't let her come over (and your at work) because it's not DH day. Just petty
Time for DH to smack BM with a contempt motion every time BM
fails to deliver his daughter per the CO.
Every..... single..... time. Sports or no sports. BM does not get to interfere in DH's time. If it is not stipulated in the CO.
SD needs to see mommy get her ass dragged to court and chewed out by a Judge.
Over, and over, and over again.
One of the times DH smacks her with a contempt motion he should petition for ROFR. The beauty of being the NCP is that DH does not have to take the Skid even on COd visitation schedule. Add ROFR and when mom does not have her, if he wants SD and BM does not honor his ROFR and dumps her off with Gramma, DH can rub BM's nose in that in court as well.
About the only major advantage an NCP has is that their visitation is entirely up to them. They can excercise it and the CP has to deliver the kid per the shedule. Or.. the NCP can decline it and the CP has to care for the kid or arrange for SKid care.
I like the idea of pushing to have ROFR added. That gives DH that much more leverage to force BM to be reasonable.
Good luck.
Love this yep we will need to
Love this yep we will need to file for the ROFR, thanks for the advice. The order doesn't say what exactly happens in this situation just has dads set days, moms set days, and that no more than 2 sports at a time. But of course ex wants to act like she calls the shots. I told him take her ass back to court and set her straight. And we will definitely be seeking the ROFR. Thank you!
I know this sounds like a
I know this sounds like a possibility.. but the reality is.. how old is his daughter? How much money is he willing to PAY to try to affect a change that may not net him all that much more time anyway.
ROFR works both ways too you know.. so if he is working then his EX may demand she return to her house vs be there when dad comes home.. tread carefully here... your solution may not be a solution. And dinging mom because your DH has decided to work a schedule that works for HIM and YOU.. but not his daughter is not fair really.
The truth is that he has prioritized a work schedule that works for you.. and him.. and his special needs child.. and does not accomodate seeing his older daughter.. who is also busy in her own right with sports and school.
I don't think it's fair for him to tell his daughter she can't do the sports.. asking her to sacrifice when the reality is.. he has put himself in a position to work the weekends when she would be free anyway.. that's not fair.. would cause great resentment.. and in the end.. she wouldn't get that much more time with him anyway.
Ideally, he would arrange his schedule so that he would be available.. perhaps YOU work a weekend vs him.. or alternate somehow.. or maybe it would work out so that you can hire childcare for your special needs child (if you have money for an expensive court battle.. you could spend it on child care to solve your issue).
I don't think you are going to get much traction in court anyway to keep her out of being in sports where she is enriched and becoming a well rounded person. Or have her at your home.. even when he isn't there.. or allow some random "when he has time".. custody. I think it will be a waste of money..
I think he needs to figure out how to prioritize his older daughter better.. and if that means he makes himself available to pick her up from practices.. takes time on the weekends to see her. Find child care for your child so he can work a schedule that accomodates all his children...
In the end.. it's not his exwife's or his daughter's fault that he has decided to work a schedule that makes him extremely unavailable for his daughter. I understand that she also has comittments that make it more difficult.. but his schedule change is the biggest driver in her not being able to see him as much.
He may need to suck it up and call mom if he can't reach her daughter too..
I know you are frustrated that mom is not being more accomodating.. but she doesn't have to.. your DH did make changes that put you in this position and as legit as the reasons for that are.. the result is he did end up in this situation by a great deal of his own choice.
1000% this
"I don't think it's fair for him to tell his daughter she can't do the sports.. asking her to sacrifice when the reality is.. he has put himself in a position to work the weekends when she would be free anyway.. that's not fair.. would cause great resentment.. and in the end.. she wouldn't get that much more time with him anyway."
Its not fair to his daughter. This isn't simple parental alienation. If your DH really wants to have no relationship with his daughter, please go ahead and take her and her mother to court to force SD to give up her sports because her dad has changed his work schedule. I predict that if he takes this route he will go from seeing her infrequently to never getting to see her. She's old enough for the court to hear her opinion and I doubt she's going to be telling family court that she wants to give up her activities and friends.
This isn't the answer you
This isn't the answer you want to hear, but this isn't a problem that BM or SD created. It sounds like BM is following the CO and is occasionally flexible. It's not like BM is keeping SD during his time, nor does it sound like she purposefully put SD in sports that conflict with the visitation schedule. Fact is, sports take away time from BOTH parents. Your DH just feels it more acutely because he has limited time.
And the weekends not being available is not a BM or SD problem. I am not blaming you all for having more kids, and you have my empathy in regards to having a child with special needs who requires extra care. BUT part of working out a schedule that fits your life ALSO has to include your DH's custody schedule. Can you two switch the kinds of jobs you do so you work weekends and evenings so he is available? Can he work with his bosses to work really long shifts every other weekend so he gets his custody weekends off? BM and SD shouldn't have to rearrange their lives in order to fit yours (and vice versa).
Your DH can take this to court, but at her age and with the knowledge that BM isn't keeping SD away but SD has very normal kid activities AND the weekend issue isn't being perpetuated by BM, I don't think court will really do much. You will end up spending hundreds to thousands of dollars to maybe get language that says "up to two nights per week uninterrupted by sports" or something similar. I know your DH wants to see and spend time with her, but he has to rearrange his life to do not, not prevent her from doing normal things because it doesn't fit his new schedule.
I'll just add an update here
I'll just add an update here since there are similar comments/suggestions.
our schedule has always been where dad works nights or weekends, he is a truck driver and that's just the nature of his job.
I have a more regular schedule because I am in law school nights and weekends, so no expensive court battle for us, just my time to do it all.
so yes it is our schedule that makes this a conflict but it is just as much mom not being flexible. For example we do go to the games and ask to take her after the game Step daughter says she has to stay for the JV and varsity games. And if it's not our day and there is a game, No mom will not let us take her dinner we have tried she says it's not your day.
so there is real inflexibility here not just dads schedule as the issue. He takes weekends off at least once a month so he at least gets to see her. Let's say he took two weekends off that means he is seeing her 4 days now instead of the scheduled 12 (8 of the days are week days).
so the weekdays are the real issue. And yes while like I said I played sports and so did my husband, having time with your dad is more important than sports. Sure she will be upset, but ultimately kids get upset about things, some families can't afford sports etc. plus maybe that would motivate mom to be more flexible but bottom line is it's unacceptable for dad to miss out on 66% of his visitation when mom could be being flexible. Why does dad have to be flexible and do what's best for his daughter but mom doesn't? He isn't asking for anything crazy just to have her on an occasional weekday that isn't "his" when she doesn't have practice.
you guys act like that is so unreasonable. The only reason we are even considering no sports is because of mom being unreasonable.
my parents were divorced and never did this crap, we saw our dad and mom weekly, they didn't have this obsession with whos day it was, I just can't understand it.
Things get more complicated
Things get more complicated when kids are in high school. It's just a fact. Between sports, friends, jobs- I honestly will go days with barely even seeing my kids. I know they were home based on dishes in my freaking sink! LOL
She is doing things that are good for her, and you guys do need to support that. As she gets older and gets a job too- you probably will go down to seeing her even less. It's just life. Be proud of her for doing her thing.
You aren't going to get BM to see your side of it, but you may be able to negotiate things like instead of those evenings and weekends- Sunday Morning brunch. At home or out but get her to commit to those 2 hours a few times a month and make them meaningful. Tell her she can bring a friend or her boyfriend even- but having those connections, even if they are less time are important.