OSD19 started not speaking to DH around age 13/14. It is a clear PAS case. When OSD was deciding on colleges DH was not involved at all, zero communications from BM and OSD to him. Then they wanted $$. (this is not in the custody/payment agreement BTW, he dodged a bullet) He told them only if you agree to have a conversation with me about it. Well, that "conversation" went to hell in about 2 minutes with OSD screaming at him and BM piping up (she had been listening in), both telling him bascially he didn't need to know anything just tell us how much you will give. UM NO. He did not agree and OSD hasn't spoken with him since....not an unusual situation. DH filled out the required government foms, which go ONLY to the schools. He does not give BM any personal information. IF he would give tuition or support money it would be directly via the school ONLY. Those payments should be proven - if the BM is claiming your DH didn't pay his share - you can back up with receipts and payment info that he did, right? No money went to BM or your SD directly? 

I learned long ago that there's absolutely nothing I can do to help the relationship with OSD and DH. NADA. I am a non-entitly pretty much for both SDs (YSDalmost17 still comes around). I can only listen to and support DH when he needs it. I cannot fix a thing. DH has given up trying to talk with her, but continues to send birthday and xmas gifts, in an appropriate level. He knows OSD may be forever a lost cause; she's just always been mean and loved drama - not a nice kid instinctually. He knows this too.

Look up parental alienation - it will help you understand what happened. However, know that it hardly ever ends in reconciliation.

and becomes a stepmom herself and maybe sees it happening in her own life from an adult perspective.

My father died when I was 12 in a car accident but my parents divorced when I was 7.  My mom was very, very much an alientator but I didn't give it really any thought until I caught my then husband cheating and was getting divorced.  My mom and grandmother were trying to get me to try and take my kids and move out of state and hide them from him.  THey were definitely trying to get me to be an alienator and my eyes just opened so wide.  I said I'm not doing that to my kids.  Just because he and I are getting divorced, I'm not going to ruin their relationship with their father.  All these memories just came flooding back to me and I got a very, very clear picture of what my mother did.  

. 

SD22 stopped talking or engaging with her father at 13yo and she also pulled the name change thing around 18 but she decided not to.

Over the years, BM1 would always plan something enticing for SD to.skip visitation weekends. If my husband forced her to come around she would be upset and sulk all weekend and even sometimes cry out of nowhere and cut the weekend short and call BM1 to the rescue. She excluded her father from all bdays and school events because she said she was embarrassed by him and did not want to upset BM1 by having him show up at events. Throughout the years, my husband kept asking what he was doing wrong and why she refused to have a relationship with him but she wouldnt give an answer and just say she would try to work on having a better relationship with her dad but then did nothing. After 18yo, she revealed to my husband that during all those years she didnt want to upset her mother and her mother would always offer her to do fun things she couldnt decline on the visitation weekends.

She tried to have a connection with her father but the PAS was too strong. My husband asked her to come over for her 19th bday to collect her gifts and spend some time with him to which she agreed but on the day of, she texted him that she wanted to spend the day with BM1 who offered her to do some fun stuff. This was the last straw for my husband who doesnt celebrate bdays and wanted to make an exception for her as a sign of trying to resolve things and he told her that for so many years, BM1 is always first on all occasions and he only asked for 2hours not a whole day and she couldnt make an effort. After that, they havent spoken ever since. She spends her fathers days with her bfs dad since she was 14 and views him as a father figure to her. She doesnt really care to have a relationship with her biodad and my husband has accepted to respect her boundaries and considers that his daughter died 10 years ago

The weird part is that my husband and his daughter had a good relationship before I came in the picture. But once I was introduced, all of a sudden she stopped coming around claiming that she would be bored or had other things to do. The boys continued to visit (conveniently for BM because they were problem children) but the daughter stopped 4months after i married and moved in. I sometimes think that BM1 told her to quit going because of me but idk....it could be anything

SD22 frequently visits BM2 and has a bestie relationship with her and they drink and smoke together...

I quit worrying about any of this and dont care. I have offered gifts and taken her out and she was always excluding me or ignoring me for no reason. I was certain i would have a wonderful relationship with her because im a girls girl but I am not "cool enough" (dont drink, dont smoke and wouldnt let you do stupid stuff) so i have accepted it. I cut any ties after I bought her concert tickets to attend together and she asked me to have her friend go instead of me....I understood this girl doesnt care wtv I do for her

Enjoy your life with your family and leave it up to your husband to deal with his problem. I have seen my husband cry over his daughter more than once and used to feel bad for him but now I dont care, he can go to counseling if he wants the selfish brat in his life. He seems to be over it since 2020 and considers as if she never existed.

to hurt.

DH's kids or not.  DH needs to write them off.

She changed her name for no other reason than to hurt your DH and probably you and the child you have with DH.  If she changes her name outside of a marriage.DH owes her nothing other than what is COd.  Not one portion of one Cent more. If I were DH, I would stop all support of his 18+ daughter who changed her name. Let the parent with the name she changed to support her.

Never stop remining the SKs that dad was at every event, give them the balance sheet of every penny he paid in CS and any supplemental participation in their support. Include every penny paid for them when they did visit, vacations, etc.....

Keep rubbing SD's nose in the stench of her toxic hurtful bullshit.

Lather.... rinse..... repeat.

Over 5.5 yrs. when eldest sd reconnected and contacted dad, it was via sms and said "what's happened in the past is in the past, get over it!" So bio mums affair with affair hubby whilst married to my husband before they even separated was totally acceptable and hubby shouldn't be upset or hurt and should just move on.

me and hubby met after sd's cut off contact via a mutual friend, exwife cannot claim we had an affair if she was being dodgy because people will vouch for us. When sd'd contacted dad, we had been married over 3.5 yrs and had 2 toddlers aged 1 & 2.5

somehow sd's found a way to gaslight hubby for marrying me and having 2 kids as "it was replacing them" yet hypocritically bio mum can be a cheating hoe breaking up a marriage and having affair guy leave his wife for her, but us meeting after divorce and then marrying and having kids is totally not ok ? That hypocrisy was just absolute crap

I told my husband i wasn't gonna expose myself or our 2 kids to sd's anymore and any contact he wanted with them had to be away from us and our family time. They don't enter our marital home and never have. I made this very clear as sd's had shown they were hell bent on destroying our marriage yet affair biomum and stepdad totally ok.

My sd's would enter our car and rant on all the private personal stuff about us what we did, where we went, what we wore, how we spoke etc and sent pics of our kids to bio mum and stepdad and give us the running commentary from bio mum and stepdad. Bio mum and her family are involved in black magic (similar to voodoo crap) with family members breaking into their home to lay dead black cats, dead chickens and blood smothered around the home and knives stacked. You gotta be crazy to open yourself or expose yourself to them especially my young kids so i put my foot firmly down. 
 

hubby rarely sees his daughters, maybe once a year if lucky but he already told them over 3 yrs ago  that he was prioritising holidays etc with us and because his daughters have chosen to behave the way they have, disrespectful, rude, painting us falsely as the villain all for nothing, they could spend their holidays alone because they simply could not be around us to destroy happy family time.

My ss who was under sole custody and care of my husband in the divorce we had many issues and disagreements over. He's started coming around. He refuses to accept biomums apology for abandoning him and disowning him in the divorce and refuses to see her to this very dad. He's realised all i've ever wanted is an inclusive family environment and he is my kids half brother, our kids know he is their brother and share the same father but different mothers. He has started making an effort so in future i would be open if he want to come to our overseas home on holidays etc. 

what your husband's exwife and now husband does talking bad about you, making fun etc, derogatory code names etc, its all pas and petty bullshit.

my husbands exwife during divorce snd after divorce played the poor pity me single mother bs. Right after divorce  she married in secret to affair hubby whilst skids were in school and didn't know biomum was even dating or having an affair with a married man. Polygamy is allowed in their country in asia but the new hubby divorced his wife to marry  my husbands exwife.

exwife bragged how in demand she was and could get a man easily with snap of her fingers. Yet she kept going to friends, co workers, hubbys family criticising him, criticising our relationship and marriage some 5.5 yrs post their divorce. Like why care about us if you claim to be so happy with your marriage?

turns out when eldest sd contacted my husband, she sent nonsense of biomum claiming her marriage may not survive much longer. Apparently my husband should care her marriage is falling apart.

it wasn't till about 1.5 yrs later hubby had the courage to sit her down and say enough. It was incredibly disrespectful to him and me that she continued to peddle this crap, inserting biomum and stepdad into every conversation or point of our lives and outings to make them relevant when they were not. 
hubby made it clear bio mum and stepdad were not part of our family unit, nothing about them, their lives, what they say/do or think about us is of our concern or care and was completely disrespectful to hubby/me and our marriage

hubby explained biomum was his past, i and our kids are his present and future and he is extremely happy with us and committed to our future. That whatever crap is going on in biomums life, whether her marriage is falling apart etc is not of his care or concern and why would it be when he is married and has 2 kids with someone else?? That biomums crap is her current husbands crap to deal with

Essentially hubby said good riddens. Its funny now the karma of biomum painting herself and her hubby like some bigshot people in demand snd of good character, are cheaters who have affairs, abandoned and disown their kids, their own family cut off contact with them over their behaviour and the shame of them being related together, affair hubby is a police sargeant and in any country, its an unspoken code that policeman don't cheat on their wives etc. that their marriage is apparently in tatters and we need to feel sorry. Nope!!
 

They've been married almost 14 yrs and biomum has been scheming how to bleed this man dry and protect her assets and hide them away from him because as she claims, she reckons he'll dovorce her any moment. That was like almost 5 yrs ago she claimed it was any moment he would divorce her to gain sympathy out of hubby- she got none.

me and hubby have just had our 8th wedding anniversary in early nov last yr. we are committed to our future and building one together. Our plans take into account the other. Thats what marriage is about. Marriage isn't about scheming to hide assets from your spouse and only care about yourself. A marriage fails because one or both aren't committed to it and have a shared vision.

enjoy living your life. Let biomum and her hubby be petty focussing on your marriage and relationship. All that time they focus on others is time wasted not investing in their own marriage which ultimately leads to its demise

Over 5.5 yrs. when eldest sd reconnected and contacted dad, it was via sms and said "what's happened in the past is in the past, get over it!" So bio mums affair with affair hubby whilst married to my husband before they even separated was totally acceptable and hubby shouldn't be upset or hurt and should just move on.

me and hubby met after sd's cut off contact via a mutual friend, exwife cannot claim we had an affair if she was being dodgy because people will vouch for us. When sd'd contacted dad, we had been married over 3.5 yrs and had 2 toddlers aged 1 & 2.5

somehow sd's found a way to gaslight hubby for marrying me and having 2 kids as "it was replacing them" yet hypocritically bio mum can be a cheating hoe breaking up a marriage and having affair guy leave his wife for her, but us meeting after divorce and then marrying and having kids is totally not ok ? That hypocrisy was just absolute crap

I told my husband i wasn't gonna expose myself or our 2 kids to sd's anymore and any contact he wanted with them had to be away from us and our family time. They don't enter our marital home and never have. I made this very clear as sd's had shown they were hell bent on destroying our marriage yet affair biomum and stepdad totally ok.

My sd's would enter our car and rant on all the private personal stuff about us what we did, where we went, what we wore, how we spoke etc and sent pics of our kids to bio mum and stepdad and give us the running commentary from bio mum and stepdad. Bio mum and her family are involved in black magic (similar to voodoo crap) with family members breaking into their home to lay dead black cats, dead chickens and blood smothered around the home and knives stacked. You gotta be crazy to open yourself or expose yourself to them especially my young kids so i put my foot firmly down. 
 

hubby rarely sees his daughters, maybe once a year if lucky but he already told them over 3 yrs ago  that he was prioritising holidays etc with us and because his daughters have chosen to behave the way they have, disrespectful, rude, painting us falsely as the villain all for nothing, they could spend their holidays alone because they simply could not be around us to destroy happy family time.

My ss who was under sole custody and care of my husband in the divorce we had many issues and disagreements over. He's started coming around. He refuses to accept biomums apology for abandoning him and disowning him in the divorce and refuses to see her to this very dad. He's realised all i've ever wanted is an inclusive family environment and he is my kids half brother, our kids know he is their brother and share the same father but different mothers. He has started making an effort so in future i would be open if he want to come to our overseas home on holidays etc. 

what your husband's exwife and now husband does talking bad about you, making fun etc, derogatory code names etc, its all pas and petty bullshit.

my husbands exwife during divorce snd after divorce played the poor pity me single mother bs. Right after divorce  she married in secret to affair hubby whilst skids were in school and didn't know biomum was even dating or having an affair with a married man. Polygamy is allowed in their country in asia but the new hubby divorced his wife to marry  my husbands exwife.

exwife bragged how in demand she was and could get a man easily with snap of her fingers. Yet she kept going to friends, co workers, hubbys family criticising him, criticising our relationship and marriage some 5.5 yrs post their divorce. Like why care about us if you claim to be so happy with your marriage?

turns out when eldest sd contacted my husband, she sent nonsense of biomum claiming her marriage may not survive much longer. Apparently my husband should care her marriage is falling apart.

it wasn't till about 1.5 yrs later hubby had the courage to sit her down and say enough. It was incredibly disrespectful to him and me that she continued to peddle this crap, inserting biomum and stepdad into every conversation or point of our lives and outings to make them relevant when they were not. 
hubby made it clear bio mum and stepdad were not part of our family unit, nothing about them, their lives, what they say/do or think about us is of our concern or care and was completely disrespectful to hubby/me and our marriage

hubby explained biomum was his past, i and our kids are his present and future and he is extremely happy with us and committed to our future. That whatever crap is going on in biomums life, whether her marriage is falling apart etc is not of his care or concern and why would it be when he is married and has 2 kids with someone else?? That biomums crap is her current husbands crap to deal with

Essentially hubby said good riddens. Its funny now the karma of biomum painting herself and her hubby like some bigshot people in demand snd of good character, are cheaters who have affairs, abandoned and disown their kids, their own family cut off contact with them over their behaviour and the shame of them being related together, affair hubby is a police sargeant and in any country, its an unspoken code that policeman don't cheat on their wives etc. that their marriage is apparently in tatters and we need to feel sorry. Nope!!
 

They've been married almost 14 yrs and biomum has been scheming how to bleed this man dry and protect her assets and hide them away from him because as she claims, she reckons he'll dovorce her any moment. That was like almost 5 yrs ago she claimed it was any moment he would divorce her to gain sympathy out of hubby- she got none.

me and hubby have just had our 8th wedding anniversary in early nov last yr. we are committed to our future and building one together. Our plans take into account the other. Thats what marriage is about. Marriage isn't about scheming to hide assets from your spouse and only care about yourself. A marriage fails because one or both aren't committed to it and have a shared vision.

enjoy living your life. Let biomum and her hubby be petty focussing on your marriage and relationship. All that time they focus on others is time wasted not investing in their own marriage which ultimately leads to its demise

So many families have the same story. My SD also stopped talking to us as a preteen. I could tell things began to get worse once BM found out about me. At first SD liked me a lot but I blame BMs influence for turning her against me and DH. It wasn't me, the same thing would have happened no matter who DH was with. BM wanted him to stay single and be her open wallet forever.

Money is all SD and BM think DH is good for now. It's sad that BM has taught SD to treat mental this way

My kids don't know her. When I had my kids was when the alienation became complete. It got worse when we moved in together, when we got engaged, married, had kids. Everything that could have made us more of a family was met with BM making sure we wouldn't. There was always something more important on BMs side that she needed to be at. My kids don't even know her.

Don't blame yourself, it was broken before you got there.

Has decided (because of me and because he wont let her have her old room back) that she doesnt want a relationship with him. Unless shes in trouble and needs something, he doesnt get texts or phone calls. Like the time he moved her 3 hours back to our town and had to clean up 6 plus bags of trash. She never spoke to him or acknowledged him, but then calls MY phone to demand to talk to him to ask if she could move back in with us (hard hard no...)

SD silent treatment, disrespectful/hostile behavior, and cultish attachment to BM--this is a real pattern of misery. I'm hearing my story--almost exactly--from more SM's that I thought. Then the money issues like BD is only as good as his wallet--skip any gratitide or thanks. It seems too that these SD's consider BD's home theirs and SM is the interloper. This forum helped me see this and move on from SD's manipulation and cruelty to her dad. It is such a sick dynamic.

Do not let the fantasy land crap of worshipping BM stand.

'If your mom were worth a shit your dad would still be married to her.  See here, here is the divorce decree, court order, fact, fact, fact, fact, fact.'

Even if they dont give SD clarity, the facts will force her to absorb reality regarding her mother.

Do not let her go through her BM worshipping bullshit without also having the facts. That way she will at lease have to willfully choose to embrace the BM delusions while knowing the truth rather than ignorantly embracing the delusion.  This will at lease remove the facade and force SD to actually embrace the crap. Or just maybe make different choices.

Good luck.