Could DH “not stepping in” bite him in the ass down the road?
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.......SEE MY LAST POST FOR FULL STORY.....
SS15 no longer as a relationship with BM. AGAIN SEE LAST POST. Since the "Incident" 9 months ago DH stance was the "problem" is between BM and SS15 and DH was NOT getting involved. DH DID bring SS15 to the court ordered therapy to try and fix the problem between BM and SS15 but therapy was Unsuccessful.
Right now SS15 is pissed teenager at BM. Come 4,5 6 years down the road could SS15 anger towards BM turn to regret and anger to DH for not stepping in and help mend the situation between SS15 and BM?
DH and BM HATE each other and Secretly DH is happy to get SS15 full time which SS15 knows.
We have been thru this with
We have been thru this with SSnow20. He moved in at 13 and didn't speak to DBDB for about a year. Every day DH told him that she was still his mother and to at least answer her texts, and that they should go to therapy to try to work it out, but this only made SS madder so DH stepped back.
He pulled some shade and went back to her when he was 17. Stayed until he was 19. He then moved back here for about a year, but now lives with his girlfriend. DH hasn't spoken or seen DBDB in over 4 years and he stays out of it.
At this time both SS24 and SS20 have NO contact with her. They came to their own conclusions without DH getting involved. DH and both his boys have good relationships.
No I don't think so. I think
No I don't think so. I think your DH should protect SS from BM being s#itty to him. I think taking SS to therapy is doing more than enough because SS needs to recover and have some stability in his life before he can even think about mending a relationship with BM.
My SD is 15 and hardly talks to us as well. The poor relationship is at its core due to BM alienating DH and DH allowing the alienation to occur without fighting it. At 15 I think kids are old enough to decide who they do and don't want to interact with. Though I know my DH wishes he had a better relationship with SD He's not doing much to fix it and I am trying to respect SD's choice to not want anything to do with us.
Your DH should not bad talk BM or really talk about her much at all. If she eventually resurfaces and wants to have a relationship with SS I would be supportive of SS's emotions throughout the process but unless BM is the one that reaches out I don't think it is anybody else's responsibility to try to form or fix the relationship.
It's definitely a possibility
It's definitely a possibility.. in hindsight.. (knowing the happiness your DH has having him all to himself).. could your SS turn that into resentment that his father PAS'ed him against his mom.. and was the reason for LT estrangement?
Sure... it's very possible... and I'm sure his mom will encourage that perspective to save her relationship.
But.. what exactly should your DH be doing now? How much involvement should he have in fostering or encouraging his son to have a relationship with his mother. This takes a bit of ability to look at things with a somewhat unbiased lens.
Mom kicked kid out.. but why is the question isn't it... was the kid being abusive.. destructive.. doing drugs.. not respecting house rules? Was he aggressive or obstinate with BM or her SO? Was he aggressive to other kids in the home?
And... if he was not respecting rules or boundaries.. or being destructive.. it should be your DH's place to tell him that when he lives in a home.. he respects the people and things in that home.. and the rules being enforced.. he doesn't get to not behave just because he thinks they are dumb rules... he doesn't get to destroy thiings because he is frustrated.. or angry at mom or her SO.. That he should be remorseful and apologize for bad behavior..
Again.. without knowing the circumstances surrounding the blow up.. it's hard to say whether mom may have been justified in her frustration with her son.. but again.. kicking a kid out isn't the solution.
I'm guessing the kid isn't mad about getting kicked out though.. he is mad because he wants his "stuff" and.. likely hurt by the situation.
Mom for her part is probably angry at the kid for the turmoil in her home.. and is angry he is now "siding" with her ex.
Has BM made any attempt to contact your DH or her son?
I think in a way.. DH should tell them both that they both need to apologize and make up basically.. but he can't MAKE that happen.. just encourage them both.
You must be in the medical field as you offer great Insight
Ok I'll try and fill you in more. BM was never great at Discipline which worked out ok for her when SS15 was little. Now SS15 is 5"11 and 200 pounds. BM can't control SS15. Would not say SS15 was violent with BM more Dismissive. Refused to do chores, skipped school, talk back to both BM and her new husband. Basically just did what he wanted at BM's house as SS15 knew Physically neither her husband or BM could stop him. BM finally could not take the stress and threw SS15 out. I'm thinking BM thought SS15 would be mad for a few weeks then come Crawling back but SS15 did not.
BM has not made any attempt to contact DH over this and everything has been handled through family court. Like I said both DH and BM hate each other. BM sent a very Generic Christmas card to SS15 but other than that BM has not reached out.
I guess my question... is
I guess my question... is does he do better at your home? or is your husband bending over backwards to not push his kid.. happy he has won?
I get that your DH and BM hate each other.. but letting his kid learn that he can be an ahole without consequences is a poor lesson for the kid to learn and it will likely hurt the kid's future life in the long run.
A "you think you can act like you did at your mom's you are mistaken.. you WILL follow rules.. and go to school etc.. ".. but if your DH won't push this.. you may be stuck with this lout on your couch.
The kid honestly sounds like a turd.. and his mom's new husband likely is pushing this "not in my home" narrative.. and BM is at her wits end over the kid being a turd.. so.. here you go dad.. you try.
But.. still will the kid wake up one day and realize he lost his mom and want to blame anyone but himself for it? sure.. likely that could happen.. and he may blame both BM and his father..
It may be difficult for your DH to bite his tongue about BM.. but he really should be backing her up on the things she wanted the kid to do.. they sound perfectly reasonable expectations.
It might bite him in the ass
It might bite him in the ass if he allows that kind of behavior to rule your home. The best thing he can do as a parent is to not get in the way of BM and SS's relationship. Make it clear that SS owns that part of his life, and how it goes , it's between the two of them. Put a boundary in place. Obviously DH couldn't make it work with BM. I'm sure others can't with but SS will need to find that out for himself. DH could offer a bit of commiseration about how frustrating it can be dealing with BM but it needs to go no further. Lies always need to be corrected though. Lies shall not be left to fester. Never. I'll guess that this is an example of a HCBM creating a monster than dumping that monster on the other parent to fix. Newbies need to file this as a very possible outcome in stephell.
Yes, it could bite DH in the ass.
Anything is possible.
Which is why I focus on the behaviors in the now. Set the behavioral expecations, enforce those standards, and apply consequences. The same with standards of performance.
What a kid might could possibly feel in the future is like farting the wind. No one has a clue what might could possibly happen. Or what direction any stink might go in.
Divorced or not, as a quality parent DH should consistenly advise and parent SS to engage with his mother.
We struggled with that balance during my SS-30's visitaiton years during the 16+yrs we lived under a CO. His Spermidiot is a POS. A dope head, gangbanger wannabe who had littling to nothing to do with SS while he was on SpermLand visitaiton. SS spent nearly all of his visitation time with SpermGrandHag and the three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas. SpermGrandHag is a toxic manipulative vindictive bitch from hell.
As SS got older he started seeing the divergent levels of life quality, quality of character and life performance between the SpermClan and his 'real' life lived with his mom and I. As their lies and manipulations increased, we introduced him to the facts, court records, arrest records, a full and regular though not frequent review of the CO, supplemental county rules, and State regulation on visitation/custody/support. As his engagement with the facts increased, he was able to recognize and address the lies and manipulations in real time.
To close this long story, SS-30 is kicking ass in life. he is a successful man of character. His mom and I are extremely proud of him. Spermidiot spawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is on prison, and #4 is not far behind #3.
He has little to do with the SpermClan though they do periodically crawl out from under their slime covered rock at the bottom of the their shallow and polluted gene pool to shake up our son's emotional health.
Even during the peak toxic phases during the 16+ years of the CO, we set and kept the expectation front and center that he would be behave respectfully towards them regardless of whether or not he actually respected them. We did not in any way want to PAS him agains the SpermClan though they made every effort to PAS him against his mom and I though they were the NCP side of the blended family equation. The facts took care of their PAS attempts. His knowing the facts allowed him to protect himself from their lies and manipulations in real time when he was on SpermLand visitations.