This week I spent half an hour on me. In my youth I used to love riding, never very good, but loved it. So having let my career get in the way for a few years, then becoming a step mum totally depriving me of me for about 8 years I decided to get back in the saddle literally and figuratively and take back some control.

It felt good, even the few niggles the next day felt good. I had gone out and done something that was just for me, not to benefit anyone else , or to allow me to spend time with anyone else (learning golf to spend time with my husband). Did I feel guilt free? No, it is expensive and everyone is tightening their belt. I should probably be doing housework, I need to be back in time to take my SD to CAMHS, so many things I think I should be doing all the time. But it was time to say, "To hell with everything else this time is mine!"

To put it in to context we have had a tough few years. My SD started being abusive towards me at 11 years old (she is now 16), over time she started to behave in the same way with her dad. After some horrid times and the police being involved she finally ended up getting some help through CAMHS. We were overwhelmed I wanted to walk away but my husband and SS needed and loved me, my SD needed me too but made it very difficult to want to stick around. Long story short she was diagnosed with anorexia and I took the lead in fighting this horrid disease. This explained some of the vile behaviour but still means you feel broken by the abuse some days. We are beating the anorexia but are still on alert, now we are dealing with other mental health issues. I understand how hard it must be living in her head, but at times it feels nobody else feels so emotionally spent by being on the end of another outburst over something as simple as asking her to pick up something she had put on the floor or asking her not to stick gum on the study desk! 

I may be old fashioned but I never told any adult to f#*k off or told them that they had no right to tell me off, especially parents, I would never have been rude to my father', at least not to his face. As Step mum I feel it is her dad's place to stamp on this but he feels we need to do it gently although I think at this point it is doing her no favours. She swears at us calls us names basically tells us we have no right to tell her what to do etc etc. then 10 minutes later decides she wants a hug, but this is not really a hug it is a distraction technique to avoid something else and to stick her metaphorical fingers up at me when she refuses to even speak to me while do the "daddy, daddy daddy" thing to avoid having to do whatever it is she is supposed to do.

Well, I really hope this last ditch therapy she has started works as I don't think I can do 2 1/2 more years of this until she goes to university. 
One thing I know for sure I will be going horse riding again and next time I am not going to think about the dog hair under the sofa that needs hoovering, the dishes needing to be re washed because the kids cannot wash up to save their lives or the fact that there is nothing in the fridge for dinner. It is time I took a stand and say some things are all about me and sometimes everyone else can go to hell and learn to fend for themselves.