Continuation of previous post
The previous post was basically mentioning how SS9 for the first time told his mom, bm, that I've been mean to him basically. You can imagine her response. So I mainly asked what to do moving forward with SS. He lives with us primarily as of this past yr. The CO began when he was 4yo and we had EOW but now it's been switched where bm only gets weekends.
So yesterday when she responded to dh about how she doesn't like what I'm doing dh responds she can worry of her own home pretty much. She ends up asking him examples of what ss has been doing and dh gave an example.....bm ends up saying he should speak to her about his behavior then later blames dh and then has the nerve to blame ds. The reason this is an issue is bc THIS is exactly what we're trying to teach ss NOT to do. As you can tell bm is a grade A narc where accountability is kryptonite and with ss being 9 he has narc tendencies unfortunately. After all these yrs he knows how to constantly lie, deceive and shift blame at any moment. It really sucks.and dh has hope he can be helped but after last night...im beginning to doubt it.
With him returning to his mom on weekends just to probably be told he doesn't have to listen to us and he's right at all times and only needs to continue what he's doing...how is this supposed to work??? We had much progress in the 9mts she had 0 time with him but it started this summer that she gets weekend. She is undoing everything. How can you teach a child that's being taught the opposite repeatedly? It suuuucks bc he was doing soo well before she was back in his life.
But I've been so drained the past few months where I may have to just give up. The only hard part is the fact that we do have him primarily. So he's in school at our district with ds. He is our responsibility and I'm with him alot more than dh. How can he respect me if I'm completely hands off? This was so easy back when we only had weekends. Dh is available on weekends but weekdays is where I'm constantly poked and challenged. But I'm so tired....I may have to try backing off again bc im at my wits end honestly...esp after yesterday seeing all our efforts will go down the drain.
Anyone else have a skid that's showing narc tendencies? Any others that have the child primarily? How do you handle this?
May have not mentioned
In the last part of this post, I have been very hands on helping him be a better person. Dh and I were giving him responsibilities and making him accountable etc. After all this work and seeing progress before the summer the behavior has gotten bad since she came back. I'm wanting to go back to how I was back when we only had weekends. I feel I'm risking the disrespect to get even worse than before bc shifting all discipline to dh only made him respect dh and not me. I have no idea what to do at this point I'm just very tired. Yesterday dh said this would be so much easier if we raised him from birth instead of bm. Well yes bc ds isn't half or even a quarter of ss. Weekends we don't have ss it's silent and peaceful. Jus sucks sometimes to even think about. There has to be a way to have respect and not have to exhaust myself for it. That's all I want at this point.
1. What happens in your home
1. What happens in your home is none of BM's business. Your dh needs to hang up on her when she starts trying to criticize and interfere.
2. If you weren't there, he'd have a sitter/nanny and I guarantee that S/HE would be in charge, no questions asked. Therefore, you should have the same rights. If BM doesn't want that, she can pay for a sitter in your home or... shut it.
Agreed
They only communicate via text. He ignores all calls and most of her texts. 90% of the time her texts are ignored and he seems to regret responding at all yesterday. That was my fault. I was pretty upset at first seeing the messages say I can't do anything in regards to discipline. Of course her words don't matter and normally it's easy to ignore but what upset me is SS disrespect lately and I kind of wanted it to be known that we are working on his behavior, not for her but in case thus goes back to court. Also I wanted to see her reaction to it and it's confirmed that she truly did teach him how to deflect and lie and do whatever it takes to never take accountability. Of course that guess was right but to see it played out idk why I was shocked reallly.. dh could tell I was upset so he responded although he didn't want to and normally doesn't.
Your 2nd point is very true. And going back to the first point it's not her business and we could've ignored her. I guess I just needed to know where his behavior was coming from and it's 100% confirmed its her. She literally basically showed him he's in the right no matter what. Dh also says he's playing victim just like her. He says I dare him to pull whatever he's doing off there here and see where that gets him. Spoke to him about it today and as usual we ignore her bc her opinions don't matter. We will continue to do what we do....but honestly for my sanity I have got to back off a bit and see what happens bc its really been too much. Maybe now that its confirmed what she's been doing....alright it is what it is then :/
Thanks for your input. I've really been in a venting mode about this I appreciate you taking the time.
Consistency is key.. and
Consistency is key.. and understanding that he has different rules at different homes is something he also may have to learn to adapt to.. and there is nothing wrong with reminding him that. "at our home.. we pick up our plates and put them in the sink."
"at our house, we do our homework before we play video games." etc..
things don't have to be delivered sharply.. or angrilly (though you may be frustrated.. escalating emotions won't help).. you remind.. and if the reminder does not work.. a consequence can be offered as an alternative. If he fails that behavior then he loses access to screens for that day.. etc.. and it might even be worth a "You seem to be having a hard time listenting to me today.. let's call your dad and see what he has to say about that"... and then dad can give him a talking to and a consequence!
I really like these ideas.
I really like these ideas. Thanks for sharing seriously
You enforce the rules immediately upon the Skid arriving in your
home until the moment he leaves. If DH drives him to BM's, enforce the rules until he leaves your car.
Zero tolerance for violating your standards of behavior and standards of performance. HIs choice to deviate from those standards when with yoru family means he chooses the life or escalating consequences and abject misery. He is 9yo not 9mos old. He is a pre-teen. His behavioral choices should have comensurate consequences. Positive choices equate to positive results. Poor choices equate to escalating abject misery.
He will learn. Whether that is to learn to avoid the misery or to embrace the positive is up to him. His choice should not drive any anxiety for you or DH.
What is tolerated at BM's is not your problem. Enforce your standards in your home. Kids are smart, at least some of them will recognize the superiority of your model to BM's. At least that is how if worked for my SS. His three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas are either on the dole or in prison. Our son (my SS-30) is doing great in his adult life and his career. He chose to emulate his mom and I and advance into his adult life on the basis of what he learned while his mom and I raised him.
Dh needs to have a talk with SS9
Your DH needs to have a talk with SS9, explaining to him how his mom loves him very much but she is not perfect. She has some problems that she is working on for herself, and this is why he should love her, but try not to be like her. Take the good parts of her and leave the bad. DH can explain that you set a good example and that SS9 should be proud to call you stepmom. Sometimes he may get mad at you or disagree with you, and that's ok, as long as he shows you respect, just like you show him respect. Basically - reinforce the idea that its okay to love his biomom, but that he should take what she says and examine it for himself - and not blindly trust it. This will also teach him good critical thinking skills.