Welcome!

I think you will find that many of us over function(ed) for our spouses. Some still do (ME!) and some have successfully disengaged. 

I do because of our jobs. The hubs is active duty still and his job is very demanding and he spends a lot of time away from home. Whereas, I work full time, but I am close by home/work/school for all the kids and have a job where I can pause to handle family stuff as needed. 

For your situation, I would suggest picking one thing that you want to stop dealing with. Maybe it's homework. You tell your husband that you just need this off your plate and you aren't dealing with it anymore. Then don't. Don't get involved. If grades slip, your husband will see that his inaction has consequences for the kids.

After he takes over one thing, pass the next task to him. Build him back up to it, like he did when passing things to you!

Don't count on a BM like that for anything. Just accept that she is a POS and move on. Hopefully pick up's are at your house and they aren't left stranded and unsupervised somewhere! But unless it is a safety issue, try your best to stay out of it. I wish I had done my disengaging with anything to do with BM! All coordination and communication should be between the bio parents, leave me out of it! 

I'm sure everyone will have many suggestions but I just want to say I admire you.  You're trying to do the right thing but I don't know how you can work as an RN, attend law school and function as mother to these kids!

Aside from having a come-to-Jesus talk with your DH, can the girls take on more?  Can they fix their own lunches, ie, have a "lunch center" where you keep those items and each time they must include one from each group, like one protein, one chip, one sweet.  At their age, they can begin to learn to clean and have regular chores.  I was about 12 when my friend's grandmother taught us to clean the bathroom (a shock to me) and that was my friend's Saturday job thereafter.  They can learn to do a load of wash.  Or, if not, they can fold their own clothes.  We had a chair in my room known as "The Pile".  Clean laundry went there and if I didn't get it folded, they knew where to look.

How about a cleaning lady?  We had 5 kids here and both DH and I worked, I attended night school and I'm not a ball of fire.  I didn't always have one but for awhile, it helped a lot.  

We had a similar situation with BM and the drugs except she NEVER took the kids, just maintained phone contact where she berated our efforts.  Over time, I realized I just didnt have the bandwidth to function as mom to 5 kids, be a loving wife, keep a perfect home, work full time and attend night school.  As far as the kids, what seemed most vital was to be there emotionslly for them and interact with the school.  All the "mechanical" things, cooking, laundry, housekeeping could be handled by others (DH, kids, workers) but I was the only one to be there emotionally.  What I'm saying is since you can't do it all, select what's most vital and outsource the rest.

Good luck, you're a good person.

Edited to add:  I never helped with homework and neither did my mom.  The only time I did was if a teacher specifically asked me to help with a specific thing, like my DS's math skills one year.  That's the child's job.

Been in your shoes....doing too much. It does seem like the girls like you and don't give you trouble (did I miss that) so that's a plus. Still, with your work load (my daughter is an RN) plus going to law school (wow! I'm impressed), you are going to have to "put your foot down" with those two bio parents (the BM and your DH). Simply asking won't do...they've become accustomed to you doing everything. I'd sit down and make a list of what you do now, what you are willing to continue with and what you expect your DH to do (I'm not sure you can even expect anything from BM??). Then stick to your plan. It will be difficult in the beginning but if you hold firm, they will all learn. I'd even start sending the girls to their dad when they come to you. Work oriented or not, they are HIS kids. Best to you!

I'll try to come back later and offer more, but for right now, let me leave you with this piece of advice I got from a dietician of all people:

I needed to lose weight. My eating habits were garbage. However, my YSK needs to gain weight and has texture issues, and my DH has a weird food allergy that makes meal planning difficult. I was struggling to figure out how to cook for me and the kid and my husband, and I felt like if I wasn't the one doing it that I'd never get what I needed.

I basically said "I can cook healthy for DH and I, but I feel bad for YSK because they're constantly going to be stuck eating the same three things. I can't keep up with making two different meals. I can make a second meat no problem, but full meals is a lot."

You know what the dietician told me? "So stop making two different meals. If they're fine with the meat and you give them access to make their own sides or choose their own sides from the fridge, you've done your part. If your DH wants them to eat differently, he can make them something else. They'll still eat. They'll still have access to food. Don't put all your family's nutrition needs onto your plate."

I don't know why that struck me as profoundly as it did, but the guilt I felt instantly melted away. YSK wasn't going to starve. They had access to food, and my DH was fully capable of stepping in if he wanted to. YSK also was fully capable of voicing opinions and helping with their own meal.

Guess what? When I stopped fighting so hard to make it "perfect", no one noticed or cared. DH and I started eating healthier and YSK still got fed. In fact, YSK learned some food independence. CPS didn't get called, YSK didn't resent me, DH didn't throw a tantrum. Nothing bad happened when I stepped back.

Much of what we pile on ourselves as stepparents are things that are inconsequential. Eating more bowls of cereal because you don't have time to cook, or having to wear dirty sneakers, or homework taking longer at night won't hurt the kids. They'll adapt to a new normal. Your DH will adapt to a new normal.

You're not their mother. You're not a SAHM. You cannot be everything, and you aren't a failure if you aren't. I had a PROFESSIONAL tell me to stop trying so hard - someone who I thought would say "the needs of the kid come first". Their needs were being met. What wasn't being met was my perfectionism.

You have permission to back off. The kids will be fine not getting 200% from you.

be sure to read the pertinent posts for good advice!

Its a thing.

Recently the past 2 years, Ive stepped back a LOT. But I only have one kiddo to "worry" about and shes 16. I think that you will find it a fun and bonding experience to teach them how to be more independent. 

I dont know how you have so much energy! Thats a lot.

I was over functioning during 2020 for SD Pmp. December of her freshman year, I logged into the online system and found out she was failing 2 classes. I screen capped and sent to husband. Then they both asked me to "help". Tearfully SD showed me her google classroom. I made a list - in excel - prioritised - of missing assignments (30). Zoom meetings with teachers. check ins.

Guess what? Blew up on me when I threated to take the phone. Mother activated. EGADS.

Block that BM. You want the best for the kiddos, but you also need some space and to give up a few things.

I'm 77, DH is 85, a stage 4 prostate cancer patient (but doing well right now).   My SD60, for all her flaws, is a meticulous housekeeper who sometimes makes comments like, "Don't you people dust?" and similar remarks.  I am always tempted to say, "I can cook 2 meals for Dad, or I can dust",  or, " I can sit and watch tv with Dad or I can scrub", or " I can cut his toenails and rub his feet or I can dust", or "I can sit and listen to his concerns or I can clean".  Same concept -spending ypur precious time on what counts.

You are an RN and in law school.  Time to let the BioParents figure it out and if it fails... it fails.  Not your circus, not your monkeys, not  your XW..

Keep investing in you and your future.

When the time is right a true equity life partner of quality with no baggage will arrise.

The best of luck to you on your life and law school. 

To bad your husband is' VERY WORK. ORIENTED . He should of figured that out before he had kids.   Your husbans major job if parenting his kids. Not his work.  He should be home every night doing parent things. Like homework, cleaning, cooking. Running his kids around.

He is DUMPING his kids on you.  It's not your problem.  Get a job hire a babysitter for the kids. Let DH and nanny take care of the kids .   You have a life too. You cab be very work oriented too

a 12yo can legally be home alone and can watch a younger child.

Let daddy and mommy deal with it while pointing out that SD-12 can provide oversight for SD-8 for a few hours until Daddy or BM pick them up.

The problem is not your skids, it's your husband who is happy to dump most of the responsibility onto you. This is a common problem in families (whether they are first families or blended). Women bear the bulk of the  'mental load' in most households and it causes so much stress. 

I did the same thing when I took on my skids, ie through myself in headfirst and ended up taking on a huge amount of responsibility which I later regretted. Trying to change that dynmic down the track is very painful - I started the process when my son was born and then also semi-disengaged from SD17 about two years ago (not because of the mental load but because I've never bonded with her and just don't like her). I'm still very close with SS16. However, pulling back and disengaging from SD has definitely caused friction between DH and me and if it wasn't for the fact that we communicate so well it would have been hard to work through.

I would suggest counselling with your husband to set boundaries. If he won't step up and do his share then I would suggest getting out of the marriage as it will get so much worse if you have your own kids. 

Best of luck!

Good on ya for trying to help these kids. There is nothing wrong with trying to love them and be there for them. However, if you start to feel taken advantage of, or if DH is not pulling his weight or making the skids pull their weight, then you have a problem. Its ok to ask for help from them. If you think they won't listen or won't help, then its time to pull back and conserve your energy. 

They will react negatively at first, that is to be expected. Just follow through on whatever decision you decide to make. Those kids are not your responsibility, they have 2 parents. You seem like a good person who is really putting in the effort. Good luck to you. We are all here for you if you need to vent. 

I think you are a great person and have a big heart.  But I feel like you are being taken advantage of.  I think you should have a heart to heart with DH and you should step back on all you are doing.  The bulk of the parenting for these kids should be done by the parents.  I also would refrain from dealing with BM - that is DH's problem.  If you continue at this pace, eventually, resentment will build and it may become toxic to your relationship with DH and his kids.  Open up a conversation with DH and see if he understands your position and if he is willing to step up and get BM to step up.

Please keep us posted!