Rules for marriage
All these sad posts ... me coming back when things are shit constantly. Looking back and realizing this or that as time passes. It made me realize we are all experienced SP's and we now KNOW what we SHOULD have done to make a fully educated decision, even if we didn't do it. Let's cobble together the rules of marriage before marrying a person with children. I'll edit them and add as we go. Apologies if this has been done before but I still want your opinions.
1. Check on the other parents relationship with your partner. Are they reasonable? Likeable? If there is conflict it WILL spill into YOUR home.
2 Can mom and dad come together to make important decisions about child without drama?
3. What does your partner act like around the children when they need discipline and correction? Does it align with your values and align with the peace of the home?
4. If the children are babies when you come in, WAIT TO MARRY YOUR PARTNER UNTIL THE CHILDREN ARE SCHOOL AGE so you can see how they react to bad behaviour and see if it aligns with your values and peace in the home.
5. See how your partner addresses problems with the other parent. Are important issues ignored? Is the behaviour and rules in both houses similar so the children don't have 2 sets of standards thrust upon them which WILL cause chaos and fighting?
6. Does your partner respect your boundaries with the children knowing they are NOT yours or are they looking for financial and nanny help?
7. Is your partner 100% committed to the peace of YOUR HOME or do rules and standards fly out the window when the children come over? Wrong is right and so forth, rules are ignored to the detriment of the home.
8. Does your partner make sure you feel safe in your home?
9. Do NOT have a child with your partner until you marry them, and make sure you only marry them after a minimum of 5 years together so you can assess behaviours. No need to rush.
Just a few. I think it's absolutely sad these children are abandoned to the point of feral behaviour and the parent cannot face reality so they ignore issues until there's actual hatred bc of smashed boundaries.
Any more to add? I'm only 3 years in and I'm sad at how fast it took me to compile this list. It was effortless. It blows my mind how blind he is when I can read his ex like a book and predict negative behaviours he just can't seem to see. I find myself daydreaming about another life more and more and it makes me so sad.
You're probably right but
You're probably right but those of us getting divorced will have something to refer back to. I know for sure if I ever have another relationship I'll be making damn sure this doesn't happen again.
done before but good to have a refresher course
If you search through the archives for a bit and the forums, going back in time, say about 5 plus years, you will see that the issues are ALL the same. Im over 5 years in. I see these lists, scratch my head and say "well good, lets spread the word on this side of life, because we are hugely underrepresented in media."
Check out the stepparents manifesto. These things really need to be brought to light, except society doesnt want to hear it or see it. We still have that mentality of "the children always come first forever" and "bio dad is deadbeat if he leaves a bio mother for any reason" and "stepparents need to step out of parenting".
All the issues you described and all the things to "do" and "avoid" - go back in time, SAME EXACT ISSUES.
Same questions, same solutions too.
Solutions;
1. Therapy
2. Disengagement
3. Leave
4. Stay together live apart
Yes
Or the really naive - 'Stepparents should love the kids as if they were their own'. NO!
I would add, for older
I would add, for older children and adult steps, that you have the personal ability to disengage. At this point the bios have made the mess, it isn't your job to clean it up. Live your life and be happy in your marriage without the steps. Your spouse can have a life with them that doesn't include you and you can have a life with your spouse that doesn't include them.
The issue is that people think with their tingles and not their
brain when engaging in a relationship.
IMHO the KISS principle is the key to success. Keep it stupid simple.
Set the rules, enforce the rules. PERIOD! DOT! The breeder in the relationship has to enforce or STFU and have the SParent's back. If the breeder does not like how the SP parents and disciplines, they can step up and get it done before the SP has to.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
The breeder and their spawn comply, or they fly. If htey do not comply, their key(s) quit working and they are on the curb. It is not the one who brings kids to a subsequent marriage who is doing a service to their new partner. Both partners need clarity on this. The marriage and partners come fist. X's do not count at all, and Skids are the top responsibility in the subsequent marriage but never the priority.
KISS.
End of story.
Add to this list: learn as
Add to this list: learn as much as you can about bm and HER family history before you say I do.
Start with running her name and her siblings name is court data base
THEN find out what BM's relationship is/was with her parents. If bm's dad was referred to as deadbeat, absentee..you may want to find out more. Red flag.
Being a step parent is a hard
Being a step parent is a hard life, especially being a stepmom. It only works out well in two cases. First, if the kids are grown up, successful, independent and out of the house OR if their bio mom is deceased due to something accidental or health related. If the bio mom is deceased because of drugs, mental health or issues due to addiction/violence beware. There may be genes prone to poor mental health or addiction passed along to the kids.
I have no idea how to edit my
I have no idea how to edit my comments but continue here -
10. Watch out for tropes like, steps should love bios as their own.
11. Make sure Your partner sets and enforces the rules. Is he ok when you disengage from the steps? Or is he looking for a nanny?
12. Does the relationship come first before the children? Does your partner back you or the bio parent over serious issues? (I've found I'm objective in these matters where he is emotionally involved, leading to disasters) Keep It Simple Stupid! (KISS)
13. Make sure your partner parents in the best interest of their child. Are they in competition with the other parent, are they parenting from guilt, or doing favors from guilt, and are they putting YOUR HOME first?
Continued after googling step
Continued after googling step parent manifesto -
14. If your partner is a PUSSY, understand YOU ARE MARRYING THEIR EX TOO
15. Find out about the bio
15. Find out about the bio parents history. Family, medical, addiction, ect. Are these issues you want to deal with for the rest of your freaking life?!
It doesn't end. Ever.
As those of us in the adult stepkid realm can attest, the challenges do not end when the skids get older. This should be rule Number One: Stepkid challenges will be life-long.
Too many people think, Oh when kids get older it will get better. It doesn't. It also doesn't matter if the kids are already adults when you enter their lives because they do not want their status quo upset. It doesn't matter if the other parent is dead, alive, or how long ago their departure happened.
I've known cases where adult kids have acted worse than small ones, because issues like inheritance and grandparenting become hot-bed topics.
TRUE STORY!
"Too many people think, Oh when kids get older it will get better. It doesn't."
So true. I found this out the hard way. Filed for divorce last year because no, it did NOT get better. Not skids fault, but the weak, manipulative, selfish STBXH. I had to NOPE out, and just in time, too, as gskid recently arrived.
/escaped!
Nooooooooooooooooooo
16. KNOW THAT THE ISSUES WITH STEP CHILDREN DON'T END WHEN THE CHILD BECOMES AN ADULT. (I agree, this should have been rule number 1)
The Step Parent's Bill of Rights (SPBOR)
This has not floated in quite a while.
This has been out in the SParent-verse for a decade +. This thread reminded me of it.
Step-parent Bill of Rights
1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
Wow these are great !!! I
Wow these are great !!! I only wish I knew them before I got divorced because almost every one of these rights were broken by my wife and her adult children.. Should be part of a pre marriage counseling session before anyone enters a marriage with a blended family !!!
This post
This post made me sad. I love what you wrote and also the step parent's bill of rights. I think we all have gone into these situations with total blinders on to the real issues that happen and will occur when blending a family together. The 5 year one was great... why rush. I am actually sorry I married this man with kids. You are not alone it makes me sad too- I am always looking at apartments because of this life now.