First post is going to be a doozy
Hi! Quick introduction: My DH and I are in our mid forty's, have been together more than ten years, have one preschool DD together, and DH came with 2 kids from a prior marriage. SK's mom has basically been a mess of a human being for years, which is ultimately why DH got custody eight-ish years ago. Since then, while she is in no way emotionally mature or stable, she is remarried and successfully making ends meet and more or less leaves us alone. Of course, she owes us a few years in back child support, but the court barely ordered her to pay anything anyway, and the peace we get from not bringing it up is worth it.
SD19 has moved out and is now in college. She's a great kid, super mature, and I have a good relationship with her. SS17 will be 18 very soon and the stress he creates in the home just by existing is so terrible that I just don't think I can do it anymore. He is lazy, rude, selfish, and he pushes DH's buttons like no other human being in this world ever could. There is hardly a week that goes by without DH completely losing his cool over something SS had done, whether it be lying, stealing, leaving rotten food in his room, not taking a shower in so long that our eyes burn when he comes out of his room (after DH has asked him to repeatedly). The regular arguments between them are exhausting to have to be around and valuable family time with the rest of the family is lost as DH tries to reason with, cajole, counsel, threaten, yell, etc. at SS for hours on end. (Obviously, nothing ever works.) But all that falls into the realm of gross immature teenage boy garbage. I hate it. But I was more or less resigned to keeping my mouth shut and letting DH handle his kid.
That is, right up until the day SS waited for everyone else to be gone from the house and then exposed himself to me. Yes, it was intentional. It was horrifying and I haven't felt comfortable in my home ever since. DH blew up at him about it, but SS refused to even apologize. Not that an apology would have done much anyway. SS now takes all of his meals alone in his bedroom and I avoid him as much as possible. I also never leave his little sister alone with him.
Just to understand our options, we consulted with a lawyer. Which was something I pushed. The lawyer said that as long as there is no pending litigation, we can kick him out on his 18th birthday and if he goes to live with his mother she won't be able to get child support, even though he will be starting his senior year of high school shortly thereafter.
Obviously, DH doesn't want to kick SS out at 18, and I can't make him do so without being the horrible wife who made her husband choose. Originally, we had an agreement that SS could stay until late summer after his senior year, and I've debated just dealing with the situation until then. The problem is, I see absolutely no sign that SS will be ready to leave the nest next summer. Some of that is DH's fault. I've been asking DH for months to get SS his social security card and an ID so that he could at least maybe get an after school or summer job and DH seems to have the time and energy to do anything EXCEPT help SS in any way. So, DH doesn't want to kick him out and yet also doesn't want to put in the work to prepare him for real life (minus trying to make him do chores and bathe). There is no way he is going to college because his grades are only ok at best and nobody is stupid enough to co-sign a school loan for him. He has a curve in his spine so the military might not even take him.
So, I guess my question is, is it even worth living through a whole other year of feeling uncomfortable in my own home and dealing with all the fighting between DH and SS, only to be faced with the same situation next summer of either continuing to deal with this indefinitely as SS will not be ready to leave the nest, or be a terrible wife who makes her husband choose? My gut tells me I should probably just leave now, but I also have to think about the very real impacts on DD if her dad and I were to separate. We are both extremely active participants in her life and it would be shattering for both DH and DD if I were to move out, even if it were only a few miles away.
Your first job is to take
Your first job is to take care of your bio. Period. If a temporary separation needs to happen for DH to get his baggage taken care of, you need to consider it. What's so horrible about this choice, him or you? He has a mother he can go live with. Would it be ideal for him? Who knows and who cares? You have a criminal living in your home. I hope you laughed at him when he whipped it out. Clutching pearls at him is the last thing he needs, tough love is what he needs. Why would your DH expect YOU and your bio to suck it up for another year while his crotch nugget tortures you for another year? No , IMO this has gone in long enough. Time for the ultimatum. You could lose your bio if he decides to expose himself to another and it comes out he has a history. This is behavior that needs swift consequences otherwise you are no better than the Duggers and their oldest son. I'm angry for you that you are in this situation. But surprise, this isn't the first time I've read something like this in the forums. More advice will come.
"DH doesn't want to kick SS
"DH doesn't want to kick SS out at 18"
Then it's time for him to look for a place for just him and his son. Your DH doesn't appear to be taking this seriously enough. If he wants to continue to live with his slob of a kid, let him. There's no reason for you and your daughter to have to deal with the rudeness, the stench, the mess and now the sexual exposure. Does he understand why his son exposed himself? That it's either to cause offence, to cause sexual arousal (to the victim), or for his own sexual gratification...? I dunno about you, but I wouldn't be happy about any of those.
So now you are uncomfortable in your own home and have to watch your DD like a hawk, just in case. Plus you are running the risk of him doing it again. Or worse, accusing you of asking him to ... And all of this because your DH wants to continue to coddle him. Nope. Not on. Time for them to find somewhere else to live.
If ever there is a repeat performance, you call the cops immediately and have him removed from your home.
You're not the wife who made
You're not the wife who made her husband choose. You're the mother who needs to make the choice. Do you want to keep your daughter in the same house as someone who uses sexual violence as a weapon? Yes, it is sexual violence. If you're not sure if it counts, try flashing a few people and see how quickly you get locked up. There is no guarantee he's getting the boot at age 18. There is no real end in sight. So where does that leave you and more importantly, your daughter? At the end of the day, the person that needs to make a choice is you. Your husband has already made his choice.
I would begin making plans to
I would begin making plans to move out. Maybe a long term airB&B until this is resolved. This leaves things squarely in your DH's hands.
Agree With Everyone
Your SS in unhinged. And in a scary way. PLEASE! Keep your child away from him! And from you! So many negative reprecusions from this event and any that would follow. Just think CPS and the possibility of having your own bio child removed from the home. A bit excessive? No. I personally know someone who had to endure a "teen" SK hurt her bio child. The news did not come out till years later but it was devestating for both mom and child, now in her late teens.
Two things would happen if I were in your shoes. SS would have to find a new place to live and would have to have intense counseling before he stepped foot in my home or was allowed near me or my child again. If that wasn't an option, I'd find a place for me and my child until your DH can get his head out of his ass and deal with his kid. Exposing himself and just an argument?? Wow.
Disgusting
Let me ask if this was in reverse, what do you think your DH would do if you exposed yourself to SS? Or worse your SS exposed himself to your bio, his young DD?
I would not feel safe for your DD and you. This is no way to live.
Your SS has major issues that he needs professional help. If he doesnt get help then exposing may be a gateway to even worse.
Your SS has got to go, so be it if DH goes to. Think of yourself and your DD. Your DH is not doing that, he is not putting the safety of his wife and child first. You have been a victim to an unstable SS. This is concerning. Your DH should be doing everything in his power to protect you and your young DD.
Other than with regards to SS
Other than with regards to SS, are things good between you and DH? If so, could he leave and get an apartment with SS until SS launches or DH decides SS is more trouble than he's worth and ships him off to BM? You and your DD should not need to leave your home because SS is a sick pervert.
If DH refused to leave to ensure your safety and comfort in your home and the safety of your daughter, then I'd leave him and not look back. And I wouldn't feel like I'd caused him to choose. SS did that when he exposed himself to you. No one in their right mind would expect you to keep your young girl in the house with SS after that. He's clearly disturbed and not safe for her to be around.
DH and I have an otherwise
DH and I have an otherwise pretty good relationship. He's a good husband and a good father... just not around issues related to SS, whom he feels like it is his responsibility to save. I'd happily save my marriage if that is in the cards. I'm just at the end of my rope with this situation potentially staying the way it is for much longer. I'm really grateful to everyone here who has validated my experience with this situation. So many people are like, "he's still just a kid..." and I have my own guilt around having fought so hard to help DH get the SKs away from their shitty mom all those years ago (custody battle from age seven to ten), only to now turn around and NEED this kid out of my house. There were years of therapy, anxiety medication, ADHD medication, therapy for us parents on how to cope... All of it, and yet here we are. I'm just so disgusted, and angry, and defeated. All rolled into one.
Other than your DH losing his
Other than your DH losing his cool, what is he doing to deal with the problem? I know you both must be at your wits end, but nothing your DH is trying to do is having an effect. Doing more of the same and waiting for him to leave the nest is not a viable solution. Your SS is obviously troubled and needs professional evaluation and help.
All this anger and tension (not to mention danger and unhealthy living conditions) is not good for your daughter. This is trauma that she will take forward into the rest of her life. You and your DH need a plan to get her away from it so she can just be a child growing up in a healthy environment. SS leaves, SS and DH leave, or you and DD leave.
Get the help of a good therapist to help you through options.
We went the therapy route,
We went the therapy route, and medication route, and even adult counselors for having to deal with it all route for years. Made no difference. We even had a therapist who delt primarily with incarcerated youth quit a few years ago because he saw no point in continuing when SS (then 14) clearly wasn't willing to try to change or help himself in any way.
DH is fully aware that SS has serious problems and just feels helpless. He also knows that if/when SS leaves that will likely be the end of it and he'll lose all hope for a relationship with his only son. While at this point I can't spare any real grief for SS, I do feel for DH.
Has he been evaluated for
Has he been evaluated for mental health issues?
Yup. Full and complete mental
Yup. Full and complete mental health evaluation turned up ADHD and Anxiety disorder with a penchant for enjoying his victim mentality. Meaning, he sees his own perceived suffering as noble. So the more he is punished for anything the better he feels about himself. He never thinks he does anything wrong, and even if he did do something wrong "everybody always makes such a big deal about everything." DH used to try to pick his battles, but it quickly became clear that however he would lower the bar, SS would find a way to do less than whatever the minimum expectation was, so he gave up on that. He also has a defeatist attitude so that he never has to try at anything because "what's the point, I won't get what I want anyway."
Again, very difficult to live with. But what he did pushed it over the top to intolerable.
Does your DH understand how
Does your DH understand how you truly feel ie that you are thinking of separating rather than spending another year living with SS? Ultimatiums are like a red flag to a bull - they never go down well. However, there are other ways to get the same message across. I would strongly encourage you to talk to him about your feelings and what you can and cannot do emotionally. Talk to him abou the fear of someone like SS being around your daughter (especially after what he did to you). In other words you are telling him he needs to choose without actually bluntly giving him an ultimatium. You could even have this conversation with a counsellor to mediate as that might help you get a resolution.
I understand how you feel. I don't like my SD (although she is nothing as vile as your SS) but she's just not a likeable person (selfish, no empathy, inconsiderate etc). I've been hanging to she finishes high school (Nov this year) hoping she will move in with her mum after (currently 50/50 custody). DH has just told me SD wants to continue 50/50 custody after high school and I'm feeling pretty devestated about having her in my life for potentially years more. My husband understands my struggles with SD, he has the same views, however he doesn't want to damage his relationshiop with her any further by telling her she has to live with BM after she finishes school. I understand where he is coming from but I also feel resentment that once again it's me who has to sacrifice. I've raised SD since she was 2 years old - that's a long time to raise a kid you don't like (try as I have to bond with her). But I won't make him choose (as much as I want to put my foot down). However, I would not hesitate in your situation as it's not just about you being in untenable cirumstances, your daughters safety is at risk.
Best of luck!
This pervert POS failed family spawn
And daddy lost any access to the home or family resources whe he flapped his Johnson at you.
Call the police and have him removed.
This is not you being a bad wife. It is daddy being a less than stellar DH and this kid getting away with his shit until you hold them both accountable.
This is not a young child. This is an evil shit who has no business anywhere near you or your family. Ever. Your husband, your supposed equity life partner should have kicked his ass and had the police haul him off when it happened.
Grrrrrrr!
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the validation! I don't think I was expecting it to be universal. I thought at least a few people would remind me that "he is just a kid" or at least "a confused teenage boy" or something to that effect. Personally, I've only had one friend (who has a troubled son about SS's age) that said more needed to be done to help him if he was doing stuff like that. But I've spoken to a few friends about what they would do if SS was their kid and the rest have said they'd have to work it out for him to live somewhere else. Especially rather than having to stay vigilant about DD and watching how tense and uncomfortable I get any time SS comes out of his room. I honestly think DH fully believes this is an isolated incident and SS would never do it again and certainly wouldn't do anything like this to his little sister. But every last one of you is right that this belief is a huge risk to take when DD's mental health is at stake.
Unfortunately, DH already sees this as an ultimatum. "If I don't kick him out, you'll leave. So you're giving me no choice." I think I need to be ok with that though. If he decides to be bitter and angry about it, well, I guess I can always just leave rather than be with a bitter and angry husband who thinks I'm unreasonable for having (as you've all shown me) a pretty reasonable boundary.
Yeah.. it's not like you
Yeah.. it's not like you accidentally caught a glimpse as you passed in the hall when he was going to his room after a shower.. you are telling us it was clearly intentional and obvious.. no way to interpret it as an "oops".
It's a hill to die on for me. He does have another parent.. and honestly.. after all the attempts to get him help? I think his mom needs to see him on her front door.. and even if it ends up with your DH having to pay any CS? that's better than the toxic manchild terrorizing you and your DD in your home.
I'm not making you choose between me and your son.. I'm making you choose to do the right thing.. protect your wife and daughter from someone who is behaving dangerously to them. Your son has somewhere else to go. You can have visits with him outside the home (though.. without his son truly accepting responsibiliyt and being remorseful? why would he like someone like his son?).
You may want to go to couples counseling to work through this.. and maybe he needs to see a therapist alone to deal with his conflicted feelings.. but sending his son to mom's is the right thing.. since all reasonable attempts to fix him have been in vain.
Every now and then a Steptalk
Every now and then a Steptalk story sticks with me, and this is one of them.
Your husband is blaming you because you're the easiest one to blame, and you are the one asking for changes. But that's very different from anything being your fault, and it's not an ultimatum made out of anger. Something MUST change and you are acting in the interest of your young child and for your own safety.
Do you think if this were anybody else's teenager, a friend, nephew, etc., that your DH for one second would put you and your daughter in a dangerous situation, subject to indecent exposure to sexual assault? And then explain it away by saying that he's just a confused young boy? No, of course not. There is danger here, for you and your daughter. It's no way to live.
No doubt your DH is suffering too, at wits end about a son he loves, and helpless to do anything about it. It must be terrible for him. But that does not absolve him of any responsibility toward you.
I agree with ESMOD that couples counseling can help sort through the problem that you are BOTH facing. The counselor can be a voice of reason and diffuse the blame game. If your DH won't go, then you go yourself to work out a plan for yourself. That will give you strength and confidence that you are doing the right thing.
You nor DH are kicking him our. He kicked himself out.
Stay on that message.
It is not about kicking him out, it is about protecting you and your young DD. Though in practice, he should be out. Hopefully he will be.
I would press charges and take it out of DH's hands. If he will do this to you, what will he do to his preschool aged sister? Get him on the sexual preditor list and protect your daughter.
I would if I were you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you!
OMG I'm so sorry!! What an awful situation your SS put you into. That's awful and beyond inappropriate.
One thing I noticed in your post was you were so worried that YOU were going to make DH choose between you and his son. But actually SS is the one forcing this situation due to his disgusting behavior. Not you. You should feel safe and comfortable in your own home. Since SS is the problem, HE has to go. And it should be sooner than later. Can you file an order of protection to have him removed from your home instead of waiting to kick him out at 18? That's really unfair to you to have to wait this out. Not to mention, your husband should want to protect his wife from his messed up child.
Again, I'm so sorry. It sounds like there are definitely some mental issues going on with SS but that is not your problem.
safeguarding comes first
If you take a decision to leave because you are safeguarding your daughter, then it is the right and the adult decision. There is a continuum of sexually antisocial behaviour that begins with indecent exposure and ends with rape. This boy needs to learn there are serious consequences.
If the father isn't willing to protect his daughter and wife, he is not someone that respects you and the relationship isn't working.