Adult stepson update - I'm out!

Forums:

Hello all,

I want to given an update. I also want to thank every single one of you who responded to my posts, encouraged me, offered advice, etc. You all have given me strength to do what needed to be done. I'm so grateful.

I moved out on the 29th. I am currently in my new, clean, nice rental house. I have some boxes everywhere, still getting things put away. Furniture will be here this weekend. I have my bedroom set and so that's fine. My attorney has filed papers. I have changed my cell phone number. My PO box is set and my friend will check it in a few weeks. Creditors have been notified. My landlord is aware and I sent pictures that were dated from the day before my move so they can see the place was in good shape when I left it. I think everything is in place. And I feel good. There's no stress, there's no belittling or lecturing, there's no one telling me how I should feel or act, I don't have to walk on egg shells in my own home. I just can't believe how good this feels! I start my job in 3 weeks, so I plan to get moved all the way in and enjoy my time to myself and in my new happy place!

So here is how the move day played out:

My friend came over that morning early as did the movers. My husband was still asleep as was his manchild. I had showered and packed an overnight back the night before so that when the 29th rolled around, I could get up, dress and get going. The movers showed up early when my friend did, so I unlocked the basement door, quietly, and they began moving my boxes (movers and friend were instructed to text me when they got there, not to knock on doors or anything). My husband woke up a bit later to find me in my room, boxing up my things (I had hidden moving boxes under my bed probably a month or so earlier with the intention of telling him they were left over my our previous move if he had found them, which he didn't). He was stunned. Oh how I wish I had had a camera to take a picture of the look on his face. I won't lie, my heart rate went up, I was scared, but my friend and the movers were outside. He looked bewildered and demanded, "What the f&ck are you doing?" I stayed calm even though I was terrified. I squared my shoulders, focused my thoughts on all the nasty things he has said and done to me, and I looked him right in the eye and calmly told him, "I'm leaving you. I don't feel like this is a healthy relationship for me. All the rent and utilities have been paid through the first of October." He just stood there and then sat on the bed. One of the posters on here wrote that my husband would likely move through the stages of grief when he found out I was leaving, which he did quite predictably. He sat there on the bed staring at me, I kept moving. I was shaking inside, maybe on the outside, not sure. I just kept telling myself to keep moving, don't stop, my friend is there, the sheriff is on speed dial, etc Anyway, he then got mad and said "Well you don't think we should talk about this? Why didn't you tell me how you felt? What the f&ck is wrong with you?" That is when I again looked directly at him and calmly said, "Your last statement sums up why I'm leaving, everything is always my fault according to you. I'm tired. I'm tired of being berated, belittled and treated like a second class citizen. Nothing I do is ever good enough and I think I've been pretty good to you. I have worked all these years while you sat around and played with your son, badmouthing me every step of the way. All I ever asked for was kindness, which wouldn't have cost you a dime, and you still couldn't seal the deal." He then demands to know "in what way do I treat you like a second class citizen?" To be honest, I really wasn't wanting to have any kind of discussion. So I just kept packing things, taping up boxes. I didn't respond right away. He just sat there. It was so incredibly uncomfortable. I finally stopped what I was doing and turned to him and calmly said something along the lines of "I don't have any interest into going into the details of our relationship. You are an adult, you know how you treat me. If I have to point out every tiny detail, that just tells me that my instinct to leave is correct. I shouldn't have to remind you to treat me with kindness or respect." He sat there, acting so surprised. I kept packing. About that time the movers had moved everyting out of the basement and came to get my mattress and bedroom stuff. My friend helped me finish packing up my closet and the bathroom. My husband stood in the corner of the bedroom. As the movers and my friend moved my stuff, he started getting tearful. He begged me not to go. He said he was sorry and he wanted a second chance. He told me how much he loved me and how he wants to grow old with me. I said nothing. I looked at him directly when he started crying and then I simply turned away. Did I feel bad? Maybe a little. He is sick. He needs help. But I've given him so many chances and I know he doesn't think he is sick, he doesn't realize that he needs help and so I know he would never get help. Then he tries to use his son. "Well my son will be sad, what I am supposed to tell him? What is he supposed to do?" I said, "Well your son didn't seem too sad when the two of you were mocking that recent picture you took of me. Nor did he seem sad when he lied to you about me throwing the cat. He also didn't seem sad all those other times the two of you sat around badmouthing me. In the end, I don't care what he does or how he feels because he never cared about me. He's your problem, not mine." About that time, the bedroom was cleared out. I gave left my garage door opener and the keys to the house on the counter, took a quick picture to confirm I left those things there. I grabbed my purse and overnight bag and left. I didn't look back. I don't know if my husband watched me leave or if he followed me out to the yard, I just told myself don't look back.

My friend followed me in her car to the storage place, the movers headed out with my stuff to my new place. We stopped off at the storage place to pick up my remaining items and load them into the car. I called the attorney and my landlord as I left town so they knew I was officially out. It was glorious.

I did enjoy the drive as I had a lot of time to think about things and reflect on the sh&tshow that was my life. I cried some, I laughed some. I also went ahead and scheduled some counseling also. I know it will take time to recover, but I feel like I'm already on my way. I am SO thankful to all of you and SO thank ful that I am away from that. My head feels clear, I'm not on edge. I just wish I had left sooner. I let my family know I was okay and I called them when I got to my new place.

I'll stay on this site with any new updates but also to offer support to those who need it the same way you all did for me. I don't think I could've done this without my StepTalk friends.

Take care!

I am very proud of you!

How exciting! A new life begins! I am so glad you were able to hold it together through such a stressful moment.

What about his son? Is he freakin' crazy or what? He expected you to tell him when things were bad? Seriously? I seem to remember you trying ... Well, he has to face a life of his own making now. He's lost the woman he once loved, his source of income, and soon, his home.

He wanted to grow old with you, my arse! He wanted you to continue financing his life is more like.

WooHoo for you!

Lol, yeah, I almost laughed

Lol, yeah, I almost laughed when he said he wanted to grow old with me. Not believable at all based on how he treated me. He wanted to grow old with my paychecks....

Congratulations!!! I am so

Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you! It is not always easy to leave. He did the expected and you stayed the course, bravely and with class. Onward and upward! *give_rose*

Thank you! Easy it wasn't,

Thank you! Easy it wasn't, but it's definitely worth it!

I've been waiting for your

I've been waiting for your update. I'm so glad you got away and were able to do it safely. Now you get to start your next chapter, how cool is that?

Thank you!

Yes, I'm so glad I get to start the new chapter. No looking back for me.

So glad for the update

So glad you are safely out.

Take the next couple of weeks to refresh and be ready for the next chapter of your life.

Yes! :) Thank you!

So glad you are out

And can begin to put douchebag and douche Jr in the rear-view mirror. Well done on the planning, you had all your bases covered. Enjoy your new life in peace and happiness.

Thank you! I'm so glad I'm

Thank you! I'm so glad I'm out... it's definitely a relief. I can't believe how much better I feel. The planning was anxiety-inducing but well worth it as things went down without a hitch that day. I had rehearsed what I would tell him and so that helped too.

Good for you!

You're a strong lady and will thrive after this. Good decision and great execution!

Thank you! :)

Fantastic!

We have all been waiting to hear how your departure went. You did fantastic! Held it all together - and that is SOOO hard! As you know, I divorced exDH of 30 years and it was final the end of October. He too went through all of the stages of grief when I told him I was divorcing him: Disbelief, bargaining, anger, confusion. The last stage of grief is acceptance. I never saw this, and you probably won't either on your DH's part, but I can tell you that YOU will be amazed. You think you feel good now, just wait until you have your house all set up! You will be arising in the morning to a wonderful day - every day! You will sleep like you haven't in years.

You mentioned going to counseling. This is SO very important!!! You have to heal more than the woman who married a leach, you have to heal the woman who chose him. I would also suggest watching some Kenny Weiss videos. It helped me a lot with the transition

Like you, I am remaining on Steptalk. There are a lot of women who are living just like we used to. SMs need to know they have the right to live with love and mutual respect. (((HUGS)))

Thank you! Yes, you were the

Thank you! Yes, you were the one who wrote about the stages of grief and you were very correct! Yes, counseling is definitely in order. I do have some regrets and get down on myself for staying for so long, counseling will help me with those feelings. What I don't regret is leaving him and his moocher son. I can't believe how much better I feel!!!!

I appreciate your help and advice and I will watch those videos also. Oh and yes, I'm already sleeping better!

Yes, let's stay on Steptalk and try to help others the way you all helped me! :)

So glad to get an update and

So glad to get an update and I'm really happy for you things went so smoothly. Just keep looking forward you are on an amazing path.

Thank you!

I was worried things wouldn't go smoothly but they did. That made it easier to leave. I wouldn't have not left, but it would have created more stress if I had had to call the sheriff or if he had tried to stop me. I think he knew, by my affect and responses, that this was final. I expected him to fight more but I am so relieved he didn't.

Yes, I'm looking forward. I'm so glad to leave that mess behind. When I find myself wondering what they're going to do, I stop myself and remind myself: not my problem anymore. :) It's a great feeling!

Congratulations! I'm so glad

Congratulations! I'm so glad the move went well and you're safely out of there. Thanks for updating.

Thank you! It feels good to

Thank you! It feels good to be out!

This post makes my day!

Ohhh Yesss, Reedle!!!! You beautiful, brilliant, ballsy woman, you did it!!!! You saved yourself!!! I'm so glad you're safely out and look forward to hearing more about your new life chapter.

Thank you! :) I saved

Thank you! :) I saved myself with support from all you nice folks here on Step Talk. All those years I thought my husband and stepson's relationship was normal, was supposed to be enmeshed and was supposed to exclude me.... I had no clue. If only I had found this website sooner!

I'll definitely post updates on here - shouldn't be too much but there will be a divorce hearing (not date yet). I'm so excited to start this new chapter. I feel so free....

Pins and Needles for Reedle2021

OH MY GOODNESS! I was offline at a music festival, and read your "Im leaving him on x date" post Tuesday. Ive been scouring Steptalk ever since to find out how you made it through your planned exit. Whew, now I can breathe (grin). Lady I am sooooooo glad you made it out and super glad that there was very little drama from STBXDB (soon to be ex douche bag).

I actually smiled at his comments "I want to grow old with you!" (ewe. like thats at all enticing?) "what about DB JR? He will be SAD!" LOLOLOLOL.

Your story sort of reminded me of Julia Roberts in "Sleeping with the Enemy" minus the Berlioz. From your updates I imagine you smiling to yourself as you roam through your new place.

Definitely pamper yourself. Definitely heal yourself. Good luck and stay with us if you want to

LOL! I like it: STBXDB!

I'm here and doing fine. I had to wait a few days to post an update as I have been trying to settle in a little lol.... Yes, his comments were laughable about growing old together and how my leaving would affect his son. I thought, well why would your son give a sh&t when he was hostile toward me, lied about me, and clearly didn't want me around?? I almost laughed in his face when he told me those things but I was trying to scoot on out of there without provoking him too much lol.

It's funny, though I never said anything much, my whole family knew what an a&&hole this guy was to me. They all knew he was the reason I never visited much, which was true. He never wanted me to see my family, I wasn't allowed to have friends. I couldn't even go to the store by myself and I believed he wanted it this way "to protect" me, that's what he said, "I worry about you." Or, "it's too far to drive to see your family, I worry and don't want you to go without me," then he would refuse to go. I have two guest bedrooms, all mine to fix up and I am going to furnish those this weekend too and my mom and sister are planning to come visit in 2-3 weeks. You are correct, I have seen Sleeping with the Enemy and the husband in this movie reminds me very much of my STBXDB. My STBXDB never slapped my face, but he did slap my leg, knock my phone out of my hands, shove me, bully me and keep me completely isolated from anyone who might figure out what was going on in my life. Scary. Now his son can put up with the bullying and be his wife, he already was anyways. I did find my planning very similar to Julia Roberts' character in that movie though. I too had to scheme and sneak around. But the secrecy was very necessary and very important. Planning was key. If I had left anything behind at the house or missed something, I would have to go back or maybe deal with him. Or if he had managed to find out that I was planning to leave he would undoubtedly have tried to stop me or sabatoge it and the punishment for lying to him would have been horrible.

OH yes, I am just feeling so amazing. I'm putting up some wall decor. I also bought a ton of dishes, towels, and other household items - all brand new and all mine. Sounds selfish, but I was never allowed to decide how to decorate or what kinds of household goods we had. Husband decided all of that because he accused me of "having bad taste." I thought, yeah, I have bad taste... in men.

Healing and pampering is occurring - massage is scheduled next week, counseling is scheduled. I have removed every reminder of him (I literally threw my wedding ring in the trash). I removed all of his pictures from my computer and my FB page after I got to my new place - it was therapeutic speding that first night just scrubbing him from my life.

I will definitely stay on here and try to help others the way I have been helped by everyone on this site.

LOL

"I almost laughed in his face when he told me those things but I was trying to scoot on out of there without provoking him too much lol." Yes, from now on I will refer to exDH as FDB (Former Douche bag). LOL LOL

I almost laughted too when FDB panicked at the thought of his financial support disappearing . He even offered to double his contribution of $380 a month that he had been paying for 30 years. Like you, I have been editing or deleting photos with FDB or exSD in them. I also started throwing away things he left behind, and it feels good. So glad you moved where STBXDB doesn't know where you live or what your phone number is.

By the way, you can only kick yourself in the butt so long for staying in the situation 'too long'. This too will pass. Think how you would feel if it had been 30 years! OR, like my Sister, being enraged at her DH on her deathbed. When I think of how many years I wasted with FDB, I remember that he didn't stop me from succeeding in what I wanted to do or succeeding in life. You took care of yourself, and you have proven that you can do it. Sometimes reclaiming ourselves makes us focus on what is really important, like fully appreciating our friends and / or family.

Thank you for your kind words

Thank you for your kind words!

LOL! FDB! Love this! My soon to be FDB was panicked too. I'm sure he was considering offering to get a job but that would not have convinced me to stay, kind of like your FDB offering to double his contribution of $ to you. It's like they think promising something will change our minds, even though we know they can't/won't deliver on said promises!

Oh my yes, it has seriously been like therapy to me to delete his existence from my life. He has no way to reach me. I took nothing from the house that he made or gave to me. I already deleted his pix off my phone a few days before I left (after he showed his son that picture of me and they both were laughing and making fun of me - their mockery of me and their cruelty just added fuel to the fire, made it much easier for me to leave). He's not on FB but if he tries to reach out I'll just get off of FB. I do keep downing myself for staying too long but, like you said, it will pass. Agreed, it would've been worse if I had stayed longer! I stayed as long as I needed to. I think if I had tried to leave earlier, before I was ready, I would have waffled and tried to work things out with him, believed his promises, etc., and it would have been a slow, agonizing break up. I had to wait until I was good and p&ssed off. I had waited for things to change, nicely suggested things for our marriage and his son's launching, and I tried to be patient - I felt like I had exhausted every avenue in trying to make the marrige work. But once I got good and mad, it worked entirely to my advantage. It wasn't nearly as hard to leave that day as I thought it would be.

"Sometimes reclaiming ourselves makes us focus on what is really important, like fully appreciating our friends and / or family." Wiser words were never spoken Sandye21!

I am glad and happy

That you are out. And stop being used. We all are used a little but your Ex used you to new heights. Yes he would like growing old with you. As long as you supported him and manchild. Now at least one of them has to get that short four letter word. JOB. They can fight with each other on who is supposing who

Hope the best for you. You must take a few months and decompress from your old life. Make new friends, do new things Remember. Today is the first day of your new life

Thank you! :) I feel so

Thank you! :) I feel so free and happy - like a huge weight has been removed. He did use me in the worst way. I can't imagine many other women putting up with that, but he'll likely find some lonely woman and walk her down the same path he took me down. LOL! Yes, he and manchild will be fighting over who has to go to work 40 hours a week! :)

I appreciate your support - this site has been pivotal in my leaving this situation. I plan to make the best of my new life, I have to make up for lost time.

I'll stay on here to support others and provide any further updates about how things are going.

Well done!!! /

The idiot can stew with his POSson. He never knew what he had till it was gone.

Thank you! And yes, they can

Thank you! And yes, they can commiserate together about how awful it is to work LOL.

Oh this is excellent! So so

Oh this is excellent! So so happy for you and you know now you did 100% the right thing. What a feeling it is isn't it (I left an emotionally abusive exH years ago)! Just to have YOUR space with no one else there who is BAD for you. I knew it was right myself when I was in the apartment and HAPPY with a weight off my shoulders. So you do you!!

Thank you! I'm very happy

Thank you! I'm very happy and feel so much better. I haven't felt sad or anything. I might later? I don't know. I just know I was so angry and resentful by the time I left, I don't know if I have any sadness or tears left now. I feel like I used all that up during the relationship. My space feels light and happy. The very next morning after I moved when I woke up, everything felt different, in a good way!

we are all crying....

Oh my, I cried reading your post and I am not done reading everyone else's responses. I have felt like leaving too, so trust me when I say we feel your pain, angst, and applaud you for your courage to take a stand for yourself, for all of us.

HUGS

**HUGS**

Everyone here supported me, even though that meant telling me things I didn't want to hear (but knew were true). I felt like I finally had people to listen and truly understood what I was going through. Thank you for your kind words.

Keep us posted on your situation - we're here for you!

Congratulations on your new

Congratulations on your new life Reedle!

You are one amazing woman.

Thank you! :) I had plenty

Thank you! :) I had plenty of good support from you all, so that really helped!

Woohoo!!!

Haven't read through the thread yet but dang, I'm SO HAPPY for you!!! Congratulations on taking your life back from this mooching duo! I'll read everything when I get home! Might have more to say! Right now, my heart is full!! Sending you a big ole CajunMom hug!!!!

Happy Dance!!

I'm home! Read the entire thread and beautiful, supportive comments with your replies! Awesome! I am just thrilled you are out and safe!!! Big hugs!

Hugs back to you! I'm glad

Hugs back to you! I'm glad it's over. I feel so much better. I'm not sad about leaving him. I have moments where I wish I had done this sooner, but so far, I feel like a new person.

All weekend I was thinking of you...

I am so glad to hear that you are out of the insanity and safe. Just a suggestion, counseling and set a goal of no dating, other than going out with friends, until you have had time to work through everything. I did this when I divorced my first husband, counseling helped me figure out why I stayed with all the abusive crap, I didn't date anyone for almost a year.

Agree

I'm with you....no dating for a year. After 6 years of dating (after divorce), I decided to take a break. Spent the next year volunteering in areas I love and was part of a singles ministry at our church where we did lots of fun stuff on weekends. I was also in counseling to learn about me and facilitating a DivorceCare group. Self care should be top priority for your poster!

CajunMom and 24 years....

I 100% agree and I don't even want to date. I just, don't. And I will be going to counseling - have an appointment next week as well as a massage! :) I'm going to take at least a year to mend myself and work through why I ended up with such as a&&hole and in a toxic situation. Self care is definitely my priority.

Hero

Well done you. Look after yourself and try not to worry too much. You are an inspiration and look forward to your very much less complicated life.

Thank you! Life already

Thank you! Life already feels better!

This is the post I have been waiting for !!!!

I check everyday for it and its finally here!! I knew you were going to do it !!! I am so happy for you and so proud of you !!! You are going to heal and have an amazing life now that you are free, free, free !!!!!!! Giant hugs to you

Same here... FINALLY!! !!!! !!!

So proud of & excited for Reedle!!!!!

☆ WELL DONE! ☆

Thank you! Yes, I feel like

Thank you! Yes, I feel like good things are coming. I'm surprisingly not sad over leaving him. I seriously feel amazing!

That feeling is a natural

That feeling is a natural high; it's called freedom!

YES!!

When you're done, you're DONE

When you're done, you're DONE.

Yep. I was just done. I got

Yep. I was just done. I got to the point where I didn't care. I just wanted out. And oh how good it feels!

:) Thank you! Hugs back to

:) Thank you! Hugs back to you!!

I am so incredibly happy for

I am so incredibly happy for you! Add me to the Crying Committee. Your description of you packing boxes and shaking inside while dealing with his different reactions put a lump in my throat. I think we are all wishing that we could have been there during that phase to give you a comforting hug and reassure you that everything would be fine.

But here you are on the other side and I'm so relieved for you. You handled it with such grace and intelligence and you left him with your integrity in tact. I wish you nothing but the absolute best from here on. You deserve to get your life back and every ounce of happiness that comes your way!

Do continue to keep us in the loop and keep commenting on posts. Your experiences make you a valuable asset to our group, and your insights will be very much appreciated and in demand!!

Hugs!!!!

Thank you! :) In my mind,

Thank you! :) In my mind, you all were there in that moment with me - the strength and courage I had came from all the wonderful support I got on this site. In fact, the night before I left, I was laying in bed reading the responses to all my previous posts. It really helped.

I will certainly stay on this site - I want to help others and only those of use who have lived the stepparent life understand what it's like. :)

Hugs to you!

Reedle2021, this is by far

Reedle2021, this is by far one of the best success stories I have ever read on this site!!! Congrats to you on your new journey in life!!

:) Thank you! I'm quite

:) Thank you! I'm quite excited to start over without a&&holes! LOL!

Congratulations! So happy for

Congratulations! So happy for you. Thank goodness you didn't have any children with that arse.

Thank you! Oh my yes, having

Thank you! Oh my yes, having a kid with him would have complicated things tenfold. I would have had to stay in contact with him and he would have likely used the kid as tool of manipulation! But, since I didn't have a kid with him, I can gleefully make a clean break and not look back.

Reedle, you are a StepTalk

Reedle, you are a StepTalk rock star!

So happy for you, and so glad you can finally breathe some unpolluted air.

Yes! Thank you! I am

Yes! Thank you! I am enjoying the unpolluted air!

Congratulations on reclaiming your freedom, Reedle!

I read your story with bated breath and fingers crossed that it would be a smooth transition for you. As the hours wound down, it must have become increasingly more difficult to stay in that negative environment. But you did it! I'm so happy for you. All the best to you and please keep us posted on your new activities and adventures.

:) Yes, those final hours

:) Yes, those final hours were extremely stressful. I absorbed myself in books, this site and YouTube videos about dogs, animals, etc. I was a mess on the inside. Thank you so much and I will keep you all posted on things and will continue to support my fellow stepparents.

Good Morning!

How is your Free Living Life today? Another weekend without FW (Feck Wit) and FW Jr.

Thanks for the updates, I think we were all waiting holding our breath, and there with you

I hope that your lawyers have been giving you good news too.

Hello!

Yes, it has been fantastic. I feel so good and I'm just wondering why the h&ll I waited so long - if I had known I would feel this good, I would have left a long time ago.

No word yet from the attorney- he says the papers were filed and STBXH will be served this week. He said as long as STBXH doesn't try to contest anything, it should be smooth sailing. And then the attorney added, there is nothing for him to contest. So I'm feeling pretty happy lol....

"Yes, it has been fantastic. "

I've got news!!! It just gets better every day! Can you believe it? XDB has been gone for 7 months. In the beginning I was angry at XDB for wasting my time and myself because I let it go on way too long too. But after a while there are other things to focus on, like going to counseling and finding out why you chose a loser. Working on forgiving yourself. Making your home into a reflection of you. Having extra time to enjoy friends. Making a list of your wants and needs, and refer back to it every time you meet a potential partner. What I discovered was that I was in love with the DREAM of a perfect marraige rather than the man I married.

That wondeful feeling does not go away - you have learned to value and love yourself.

I too am remaining on Steptalk, not to suggest that everyone with DH / Skid problems leave the marraige, but to let those who are at the end of their rope know that there ARE alternatives to being in a constant state of frustration and unhappiness.

YES! I love to hear those

YES! I love to hear those words Sandye21! And so far, you are correct!

I went to my first counseling session last week. Not going to lie, I did cry. I talked about things, got angry too. It helped but as the counselor said, it'll take time for me to get back to "my old self," though I already feel better and more like myself since I left. Of course, it was only the first session, but I'm sure we'll delve into why I chose a worthless POS for a partner when ALL THE WARNING SIGNS WERE THERE. I just looked the other way. So, more on that later. :) And yes, the counselor said it is important to work on self-forgiveness.

I had a massage last week - it was more amazing than I remember because I wasn't lying there feeling guilty or worried about how I would get treated when I got home (my ex would get p&ssed off whenever I got a massage, still have no idea why). There aren't words for how great it felt!

I'm still putting things in my new rental away, purchasing household items, etc. But this is my space. And for the first time in 9 years, I feel safe and happy. And never again will someone come into my space and rule me the way my ex and his manchild did. No way.

I'm glad you are remaining on Steptalk, your advice is always spot-on. You rock my friend!

(((HUGS)))

You are on a wonderful journey, friend! Enjoy it and learn like I did that there are some fantastic people out there!

Yes indeed!

So happy for you!

I am so happy for you! You did the right thing by standing up for your own happiness. You will be in my thoughts. Best of luck in your new life!

Thank you! :) I'll stay on

Thank you! :) I'll stay on here to support others the same way I was supported. Being a stepparent is hell. And it's something I won't do again.

Aw, Hon!

First chance that I’ve had to read your latest post and am laughing and fist-punching the air with delight. (My DH is doubting my sanity.)

By the time that I finally left my abusive, controlling ex-husband, I was so beaten down, emotionally and physically, that returning home from work was a trial. I would often drive past our house with my stomach in knots, then park at the canal, watching the boats go through the locks while attempting to calm myself enough to do the ‘eggshell walk’ once again.

When I finally worked up the courage to leave yon European bully and file for divorce, there was a mix-up with the movers so that none of my furniture had arrived on the date of my relocation. I piled up pillows and blankets on the floor and, for the first time in my life, wept from happiness, relief and freedom! That rough bed provided the deepest, most dreamless sleep that I’d enjoyed in years.

Hon, I know exactly how you feel and can promise you that the upcoming days and months will be a revelation. You are mighty!

Oh my gosh, that's what I

Oh my gosh, that's what I would do! I would procrastinate about going home, preferring to stay a little late at work to "finish things up." My stomach was always in knots and it was always hostile with the two adult toddlers cooking supper together and ignoring me. I am quite familiar with the "egg shell walk." I feel comforted knowing I wasn't the only person who lived like that for a while.

Agreed about the sleep! I think I could've slept on a pile of rocks and it would have been better sleep than what I have had over the past 9 years....

Thank you so much for your kind message and support.... I'm excited to start my new life.

I’m proud of you.

I understand the grief of a failed marriage. I also know the joy of moving on.

Be good to you. Enjoy your new life adventure.

Thank you Rags... your advice

Thank you Rags... your advice was always great.... always to the point and not sugar-coated. I needed to hear it. Part of me is sad that I wasted my time and love on this marriage but really, compared to the joy of my freedom, it's been minimal so far. It just feels so good to be free. I do have counseling scheduled.

You take care of yourself as well - and keep on with the sound advice.

So proud of you!!

You are a warrior, truly. I love to hear when people stand up for themselves and move on when enough becomes enough. How long have you been married to this emotionally abusive neanderthal? I am praying that he and his POS son leave you alone and he just fades away. Best of luck and love in your new home. Blessings!

Thank you! Well, I finally

Thank you! Well, I finally did fight back and break free but it took my a while.... I was with this worthless abusive POS for 9 years, married for 4. You are right, I got to a point where enough was enough - I couldn't take anymore, it's like I broke. I no longer had any interest or desire to make things work or to try. All I could see what the reality of the situation: two grown men who'll never work, who'll continue to use me, treat me like crap and I'll never be happy or have a normal marriage. And I desperately wanted out.

I too hope these two fade away and become a distant bad memory. So far, he hasn't bothered me. I have him blocked from my cell phone and I'm not on social media - he hasn't bothered my family at all to try to find out where I am. Maybe he's out applying for jobs? Haha! Just kidding, we know he's not doing that.

Thank you again for your kind words!

Rags' Three Day Rule

A breakup only hurts the worst for about three days. Each day after the third gets a bit better until eventually over time it is little more than an occassional upleasant memory. No more pain.

The key caveat to this is that if the X is re-engaged with, it resets the entire pain process.

Enjoy your new exciting life adventure.

Quite true....I feel better

Quite true....I feel better with each passing day. I had twinges of sadness the first few days but... no more. And I will never re-engage. I still haven't heard from him, which suits me just fine.

Thank you for all your advice!

Sadness

Reedle, I felt a certain sense of sadness combined with relief after XDB left. But soon, I realized I was mourning a dream rather than the relationship. I had a dream since I was a little girl - you know, the picket fence and Prince Charming. The dream has changed somewhat in that I made part it come true by working my butt off without much help from XDB. Along with therapy I have been journaling and it has really helped to question some of my values and needs. I am beginning to like myself and it has made such a difference in my personal life. You and I deserve love, but it has to be GOOD love.

You are so right!

I felt mostly relief when I left, a little sad but I think I had gotten so mad at the two adult toddlers in the months before I left that all sadness and feeling was gone from my heart. It had been replaced with anger and resentment, a desperate need to get away from these two people who were sucking my life force dry. On the occasion that I would have a twinge of sadness the first day or two after I moved, it was mourning for the dreams I had for love and a healthy, normal married life that I wanted but never got. I do not at all mourn being away from XDB and manchild.

I agree, I want good love the next time around, if there is one. I won't date for a year, maybe longer. And I won't date anyone with kids, so that means I'll be single. At this point, I'm okay with it. :) I won't settle for less if there is a next time.

Deleted duplicate.

YOU ROCK

So dang happy for you! You are free from the toxic mess.

You must feel so proud you finally put YOU first.

Enjoy your new life. Yes there will be times of sorrow, any ending is hard regardless of who the dumpee is. Keep moving forward.

Dang though Id love to see the look on those two losers who are stuck with eachother, crying into their glasses of milk. LOL

Thank you! :) Yes, I

Thank you! :) Yes, I finally feel good about myself and am happy. It's just so amazing, I keep posting the same thing: I wish I had done this sooner. I just got so used to the bullsh&t that it seemed normal to me. I'm moving on and not looking back. I don't reminisce about what few good times we had, because it means nothing to me. I just want the whole thing to become a distant memory.

Oh my too! I wonder if his son has moved back in with his mom to avoid having to work a 40 hr week to support his dad? Or maybe his dad is working full time and telling his son to move out because he doesn't want to support him? Just kidding, I'm sure my ex isn't working. I don't know what they're going to do - I am so curious, like I would love to be a fly on the wall to see the drama and the panic. LOL!

I can finally say this and mean it: not my problem!

Give it time, after a while

Give it time, after a while you won't care. Then eventually it will annoy you if someone mentions him.

Congratulations on taking your life back.

Yes, I feel better with each

Yes, I feel better with each passing day. I'm in counseling, which helps and focusing on me and my happiness. It's nice to be able to do that without being told "you're selfish." I'm already caring less and less and less. It feels so good! Like I've posted before, I'm wishing I had done this sooner!

Thank you for your support!

Did your lawyer have any

Did your lawyer have any feedback on the process server, or a response to your filing?

He said the papers were hand

He said the papers were hand delivered to soon to be ex without issue. The divorce process takes 90 days, as long as he doesn't contest anything, I'll be legally rid of this mistake for good at that time. As we have no children, no joint property, really nothing together, there isn't anything for him to contest. We were not married long enough for him to get alimony. :) So things are progressing nicely so far.

Good to hear!

So glad to hear you are moving on with your new life and you have your stuff together. I hope you are enoying your new job. Have you noticed that your job is easier because you are not sidetracked with the marital and Skid problems you were having to deal with? More clarity? I did.

Good to hear you had a good lawyer. Lawyers are like therapists - you have to shop around for the one that fits. In 1997 I went to a lawyer to get a divorce. I was told that exDH would be eligible for part of my hard-earned savings, when he never bothered to save anything, and sent money to SD on a regular basis. Later on I found out that if you opened an account prior to marriage and the money you were depositing was not from joint funds your husband had no right to them. So in her rush to have a quick consultaion, the lawyer failed to ask questions which could have changed the outcome. I was appauled that I would have to give him money, so I dropped the divorce. At that time exDH sensed that something was up, love-bombed me and we went on. About 5 years ago I went to another lawyer for a divorce. She stated the same thing as the first, and became rather defensive. In fact she said DH was entitled to 1/2 of everything. I found out she had reasons for saying this as she was married to the head of the firm. A few years later I went to another lawyer for a post nup after I researched the subject myself and found that DH did not have a right to my savings. The post nup set the stage for the divorce. I used the same lawyer to obtain it. When the subject of alimony came up I stated that exDH had several opportunites to work, was physically able to, but refused to do so - I would not pay alimony.

If you are contemplating divorce, take advantage of free consultations and visit more than one lawyer. Make a list of all of your assets and accounts, whether you had them prior to the marraige, etc. Believe me - if I had known what I do now I would have divorced exDH 24 years earlier.

There are a lot of reasons for staying in a bad marriage. Sometimes it's the wrong information, sometimes it's the money, sometimes it is false hope, but truly, if it means you might be losing a bit of money or hope to live a better life it is worth it.

Appreciate!

Appreciate you sharing, Sandye, as I'm in the big "D" process & am dealing with attorney advice right now. My 1st, STBXH's 3rd.

/painful

Is it final? Did you have to

Is it final? Did you have to appear in person for court?

You are here

Adult stepson update - I'm out!