Fearing the Outcome
My step daughter is supposedly moving in with us. Shes 19 and has been out of school for a year and has $500 to her name. She says she's been working but I'm pretty sure she's been spending countless weeks with her boyfriend at his parent's house. Circumstances were such that last Summer she moved out of the area with her siblings and mom. None of the kids really wanted to go but my husband travels a lot for work and it was not feasible. He told all of them, take the move as an opportunity. Work hard, save money and move back on your own terms.
Not quite a year later all this girl has to say is "daddy daddy" ans next thing you know he's asking me if she can move in. Mind you, he's still traveling so it will be just her and me 4 days a week. I work from home and have told my husband there are strict rules that must be followed. We've laid some out to her and she seems agreeable. But you see, I have little faith he will enforce them once she's here. We've tried 3 rounds of this with his son and it failed miserably..so miserably that his son will NEVER live with us again.
I know I should give her the benefit of the doubt but experience had shown me she is unreliable. She has never been held accountable and is completely lacking when it comes to responsibility. I know the only reason she wants to be here is the bf. She's been told he will NOT be allowed yo stay the night...her response was "oh".
I have so many emotions running through my head. I honestly cannot stand the girl and I'm trying to wrap my head around this. I feel like I might implode!
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Not quite a year later all
He respected you enough to ask you if she could move in. If you don't want her moving in, why can't you just say no?
If she wants to spend the
If she wants to spend the night with the boyfriend then it's time she got a decent-paying job and found her own place. You want to be a grown-up? Well then be one!
Make it very clear to your DH what the consequences will be if she transgresses the rules and that if he won't enforce them, you will. It's your home too, dammit, your SD at this point is a gues. She doesn't get to mess up your home nor your home life.
Time for a Ring doorbell
Time for a Ring doorbell camera and some other cameras to capture shenanigans so it's not your word against your SD's.
Ring
Ohhhh trust me... we have one of those already. I demandee one when they were just here every other weekend because they had a bad habit of letting their mom in. We told them no more but with their track history, sad to say I just didn't trust them.
I don't think this is going to end well
As everyone says having a skid move in full time is hard. My YSS was probably on the more bearable end of the scale and it still had me at the point of wanting to leave to save my sanity.
However, I wanted to check to see if you and your partner had worked out some of the other issues you'd raised in previous blogs. If you haven't, then maybe it is time for some personal therapy to see if this is the life you really want to be living.
Past Issues
Yes, I will say since just after COVID started DH and I entered a new phase. We were more connected then ever and began being very active in various activities. I hate to say it, but it git SUPER good once his kids had all moved with the mom just about a year ago. We had found a great rhythm so to speak. I can already tell tensions are back between us somewhat and the only thing that spurs arguments is dealing this his daughter now. So not sure how things will end.
Just say
NO
yeah, just NO.
I would really really think about this. Think about how difficult it will be to get her out once shes moved in. Think about your husband being gone most of the time.
You can put it to him this way "with you being gone most of the time the responsibilities will be on me 90% of the time, so I will be the one enforcing the rules and you two will just have to deal with it".
So - he wont be around to enforce rules, just so they know YOU will and YOU will have all the authority to impose repercussions (figure out what those are ahead of time).
You said he asked you if she
You said he asked you if she could move in. You also said you can't stand the SD. Did you really have a choice, and if so, why did you say yes? If the choice was not real, do you really want to stay with this man?
I always advocate a lease
I always advocate a lease agreement with an adult "child" who wants to move back in with the parents. Make it REAL - you can download lease agreements online and alter them to suit you needs. Don't forget that all apartments/shared housing have cleanliness clauses, quiet hours, rules about behavior, etc. Set time frames and expectations - rent $ (even if it's low) and interest if it's not paid and terms for ending hte lease and removal from the home if not abided by. This is a big deal since YOU are the one dealing with it most of the time. Sit your SOs butt down and go over this with him; do not negotiate! Have it ready to go and review it with him esp. if he's selling it to you as a chance for your SD to get on her feet. This IS a way for her to do so!
If he doesn't agree then BOOM, no move in is the answer and maybe if she's in, you are out.
Don't Do It!
Why haven't you vetoed this whole sorry plan? Why does your H get to make decisions like this without your input?
If you do go along with this, then assert yourself and insist the arrangement be as structured as possible. House rules, rent, length of stay, and other requirements should be drawn up and discussed with SD before she moves in. Be the bad cop - who cares? It's your life and your sanctuary these people are messing with, and nice gets you nowhere FAST.
And be sure to tell your H that if he doesn't hold his daughter accountable, you will and he won't like how you do it.
House Rules and Expectations
I totally agree. I've been working on a list of rules/expectations and consequences all morning. I plan to share with both during our next "update" phone call. There was one definite pre-requisite. She had to have a car snd her driver's license before she moves in here. I love the length of stay being included too. This is definitely not an open door to stay for 10 years. And trust me, I'm not shy about asserting myself if rules are not being followed. The last (and final time) the son was here, he lasted all of two days because I called him out on his BS! The 16 YO started crying snd saying he wanted to go back to his mom's. See ya!
Be sure to include
Be sure to include consequences that are enforceable. Meaning, YOU have the ability to make the consequence happen, since your DH might or might not.
What happens if she agrees to a particular length of time at your house, then doesn't leave as expected? To me, that is the hardest to enforce--once she is there it is not easy to get her out, no matter what she promises. So, do YOU leave? Do you pack up her car or give her stuff away? Do you drive her to the homeless shelter?
One thing that might help is to have some intermediate steps. Say you agree to a 6-month stay. Wtihin 30 days she is working a full time job. At 60 days she starts paying x rent (which you hold aside to give her for apartment deposit), at 90 days she begins investigating apartments. At 4 months she signs a lease. At six months she is living in the apartment (perhaps with some financial help if you can afford it), at 12 months she is financially on her own.
Repercussions
Toxic Troll supposedly tried to do this, but there were no repercussioins given if x date was reached and the "mile stone" was not acheived. TT just kept giving edicts and not enforcing anything. Nothing came of it and eventually Feral Forger SD23 moved up about 3 hours away. And now shes moving back down (via Husband and his vehicle and his $$$) And now shes going to be back to square 1 with Toxic Troll.
The forecast is stormy with tornadoes expected.
Good luck.