Step-kids Manipulate Parents Who Enable Them
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years now and as I understand it that makes us legally married, in some states at least.
When I moved in with him, his 15 year old son (who lived with him at the time) had already been in and out of a slew of legal criminal activities. When I came into the picture it “seemed” as though he had turned a page in his life to a more positive note. Turns out his sweet, charismatic demeanor was only ever based on another slew of manipulative schemes to trick his Dad into getting whatever he wanted.
In truth, I saw right through this manipulation right away, but it simply was not my place to intervene. His father set boundaries and rules like no sex under his roof, home by 11-12, none of which were honored. This timeframe was the only and last time I ever witnessed his father both try and administer discipline for his son who completely disregarded the virtue of respect of his fathers house rules.
Flash forward 10 years, this now 25 year old son has been living with us for the last 4 1/2 years and his relationship with his father (my partner) has developed into the most inappropriate, best friend-like status that grows more continuously sickening.
I’ve heard of this complex that some parents have with their children where they’re almost “afraid” of upsetting them with requests to conform to household/life standards for fear of abandonment, etc., but this is my first real life experience witnessing this type of dysfunctional relationship where child controls parent both mentally and financially.
The simplest example of dysfunction I can give that started when I was freshly dwelling in their home would be instances of hygiene and cleanliness around the shared areas of the home. I obviously endured these discomforts with poise in the beginning when I didn’t feel comfortable mentioning or even requesting his father aid him in proper mannerisms until about 1 year into the relationship. His son would acknowledge his fathers requests but never act on them which always bothered me. I continuously gave these circumstances a healthy amount of space and brought up the concerns at a later time with his father when the lack of respect and disorder could no longer be ignored. His son is 25 years old now and has lived with us on and off over the years. These same entitled behavior’s have escalated with his age. Now, his fathers solution to any acceptable request I ask of his son is to do said task for him! On the one hand I am appreciative that my simple request to pick his underwear up off the bathroom floor is executed, but his inability to communicate with his son about healthy habits is increasingly concerning.
To my dismay, his son has now picked up cooking in the shared kitchen space. While he washes most of the dishes he uses, he always leaves behind spreads of crumbs and food on every kitchen counter surface, pantry items among other straggling oil fried pans and always a dirty, moist rice cooker. I have asked his father til I’m blue in the face to ask him to please at least just wipe the counters down so that when I am preparing our family meals I can do so without having to first clean and sanitize all the cooking areas.
His father’s solution is first to argue with me as if I’m being unreasonable followed by cleaning up his sons mess!
In truth, I do not care about the dirty dishes or crumb riddled counter’s; knowing full well that the dirty dishes/countertops and messes around the house are shared responsibilities.
There was a short period of time when I would cook in our shared kitchen space, feed the household followed by cleaning the entire kitchen area despite who made the mess or not.
What’s happening now, is my step-son complains to his father about upkeep in the shared spaces in our home in that he feels he is being unfairly treated.
(I’d like to reiterate that this example is one of other issues in the home).
Unfortunately, his father validates his sons every word, followed by him ridiculing and projecting entire blame for household disorder onto me.
In light of this dysfunctional process, I have in turn felt so attacked over years of this poor treatment and trying to collaborate with my partner about the true logistics to no success that I have been forced to draw a line in the sand attend to only mine and my daughters dishes and shared household upkeep.
It has certainly shined light upon the unjust complaints of his son and his need to defend and back him, but unfortunately, his fathers codling continues, cleaning up after his son like his personal servant.
It does not fail, whatever it is his son does, if I request it be corrected, his father just does it for him.
It could literally be “would you mind asking him to scrub the toilet bowl of his bowel movement”? His father would gripe and complain the whole way to the toilet and scrub his sons remains for him.
At this point, I could care less about where his son goes in life as he has clearly stated to me directly to my face that he cannot stand me, but I would hope a father would want to instill more structure and self building mechanisms into their child’s life by devoting the time to ensure they know how to take care of themselves, be around other people and most importantly be respectful of others.
More in depth of my concern is that my partner has always trash talked me to his children and closest friends - since the beginning. I’ve both overheard and read messages left open on counters from and between them to confirm.
I’ve expressed the immense hurtfulness from these findings and he gaslights me with comments that these things never happened. These convos are always followed by the famous “let’s call them and ask” to prove he wasn’t trash talking me. Like I’d really have us call his kids or closest friends and put them on the spot to admit they were all trash talking me.
This scenario is always followed by ridiculing me for being crazy, paranoid, a bi*ch or worse.
In essence, this overall belittling and basically dislike for me has completely enabled and caused his entitled son to feel even more entitled to be extra disrespectful and cold hearted towards me.
His daughter (4 years older then his son) who lives with her mother, always takes their side, even if she knows they’re wrong. She’s actually admitted that verbatim.
I know my situation is unreasonable.
How do I substantiate myself in a household where the adult parent and step child(ren) are outnumbering me?
Any words of advise in this type of situation?
I have no advice for you but
I have no advice for you but wonder what keeps you there.
At 25, it"s about time he launched but I suppose he has no intention of doing so. I'l inclined to think that you are going to be stuck with this skidult forever (seeing as his sister apparently hasn't launched either). How do you picture your future, say another ten years down the line?
I appreciate your candor.
I appreciate your candor. This is exactly what I think about regularly. I am disappointed in my choices to stay that I have based on hope. I have watched time go by with no improvements.
Surely the stress of going it alone can't be worse then enduring the current.
I can very much relate to
I can very much relate to your situation.. My wife had 3 adult children.. My stepchildren,all living in our home.. And they had no reponsibility..The kitchen became the focus of our situation ( sound familiar?) And I tried to get her to get the Step Kids to at least clean up their mess... She would not do so.. And refused to go to counseling..It became to much for me.. And I started to think about where would we be in 5 years or 10 years?? Step Kids still at home? maybe with a partner or even children?? Well I decided to leave.. And now we are sadly divorced... I loved my wife very much, but her coddling of her adult children and not prioritizing our marriage became to much for me and left.. I would let your partner know just how much of a big deal this is..For you.. And you really need to resolve this one way or another.. Best of luck to you..
The only thing you can do is
The only thing you can do is move out. Which in all honesty I can't see why you have stayed for 10 years with a man who has no intent on marrying you anyway.
His son will only continue on this path and will suck you dry well into your retirement years.
How much longer are you going to let a grown man hold you hostage in your home? He isn't a child. He isn't' even college age anymore! He is a fully grown man that still mooches off of daddykins. That is gross.
The fact that your "partner" YELLS at you for wanting some basic common courtesy is disgusting and like you said very dysfunctional. Your only option is to move on with a situation like this.
I've been trying to move out
I've been trying to move out for some time now. Unfortunately, the situation has become one of those dreadful ongoing ones where I feel so uncomfortable being outside of my room.
You're quite right and I couldn't agree more about staying with someone who has no intention of marrying me. Also, at this point I would never marry him even if he asked.
Sadly, I have allowed the situation to go on so long that I've inadvertently put myself in an even worse position. This support group forum instance is my way of obtaining support to do what I know is needed. It's a lot harder than just A,B and C though.
I am so glad that you have
I am so glad that you have realized this!!
So, what is your plan? Are you working? Have you seperated your finances or at least set up a seceret savings to start keeping your escape fund?
What is your goal for dates? I am assuming the home is your BF's. Are there apartments that you can afford on your own in your area for a quick exit?
When I left my 2nd husband, it was very quick, he became physically abusive when the emotional and mental wasn't cutting anymore. At the time, I was living in a beautiful home and all I could secure immediatly was this little apartment for me and my kids. It was old but in the right part of town and with the right schools. That little apartment will FOREVER have a fondness in my heart. It was ours and we were safe, which made it the greatest place in the world.
When you leave, it won't matter where you go. It will be yours and you won't have to deal with all of this stress anymore. That will be the most beautiful space just because it will you YOURS. How can we encourage you do protect yourself financially and get out of there?
This post echoes a lot of my
This post echoes a lot of my experiences. I used to think that my SO was one of those "BFF" type parents we hear about on here, but I later learned that SO is actually a covert narcissist who views her children as a source of supply. In her mind they are not actual people, but mere extensions of her own ego. Do you think that could be going on here?
And for what it's worth, this is precisely why I resist by SO's stated interest in moving into a larger house. If we do that, her daughter, the new baby, and the baby-daddy will move in and trash the place. As it is right now, SO acts as a nanny, personal assistant, and maid to her daughter. She keeps here daughter's apartment spotless, does all the laundry, makes sure they have food, etc. If we got a bigger house, she would continue this behavior, but would only keep her daughter's part of the house picked up. So it would not really be different than what there is now.
is this the life you want for
is this the life you want for your daughter and yourself? what do you get out of this? where will you be in 5 years? 10?
If you are in AZ,
there is no recognition of common law. In fact, very few states recognize common law anymore. Not sure why you mentioned this but you are not a spouse and have no legal rights as one.
If I read this correctly you moved into your SO's home. (Assume that SO owns it and has not transferred the deed to include you.) So that may have bearing on how he views household duties. If he is willing to let his son be a slob in his own house he probably feels he has the right to do so. Not saying that is right, just saying that's probably how he views it.
It's also pretty obvious that he does not consider you an equal partner as evidence by his ignoring your reasonable requests for a clean house AND more importantly - that he bad-mouths you to others. You admit he belittles you and calls you names. Yet you're still there putting up with it. But here's the most disturbing thing of all...
You have a teenage daughter of your own and you've allowed her to be a witness to all this. There is no justification for that. At all.
IMO, you need to exit this relationship and find your own place where you can gain your self respect back and ensure your daughter learns it's healtier to be alone than be a doormat.
Gaslighting
Nope. Gaslighting is a dealbreaker for me. That's a hill to die on. Leave.
He trash talks you to his kids. He does not love you.
The first half of your post,
The first half of your post, I could relate to. It is my biggest fear- a skid not launching and being in a similar situation. The second half of your post is very concerning. That is very manipulative, mentally abusive behavior. I could not be with a man who would bash me to people and then gaslight me about it. It sounds like you have decided you don't want to marry him- not that all relationships need to end in marriage, but that decision on your part seems based on his actions and the fact that he dosn't seem like the best person, and certainly not a great partner.
I think everyone deserves to find the person that makes them truly happy- and you will, once you are free of your current BF and his adult man-baby. I hope you will put a real plan into place to leave this situation that has only one real outcome, (you not being with him), so you can find your happiness sooner than later.
10 years
It seems like I am telling everyone to leave the relationship! But I have to ask if you are willing to live like this forever?
When I was married to exDH 6 years into the marriage I went to a lawyer to see about a divorce. He was doing just what your SO is - bad moutning me to SD, using me financially, treating me with total disrespect, and he didn't demonstrate any love or affection. The lawyer told me I might have to give him some money - it would have been worth it. DH must have thought something was up and love-bombed me - making me think there was hope. This lasted for a few weeks, then business as usual. Fast forward to 30 years into the marriage, and I was continuing to put up with DH's and SD's constant disrespect and cruelty. The only difference was that with every year that went by the abuse became worse. My DH never showed me any love or respect. I was merely a financial security blanket. The only thing I regret was that I didn't follow through with the divorce 6 years into the marriage. It is hard to beleive that fear of being single or another divorce entered into the picture!
You would be surprised how fast 10 years turns into 30. A good partnership brings out the best in both people. Yours doesn't. So what are YOU prepared to do?
This is almost exactly what
This is almost exactly what is going on in my situation. He and the steps use me, my skills, my connections and all my worth to their benefit and then crap on me only when it's convenient for them. Just as you said, plaguing me with a LOVE-BOMB and within a day or two, back to square one.
We run a business together so trying to leave means establishing a new job from a financial perspective.
Im sure you're thinking or wondering about buying out my share of the business but I don't legally have any stakes or ownership in it and I don't want to whatsoever. I've been mulling over this plan to leave for the last 4 years. Which is a long time, I know.
If you can imagine how frustrating he is with his children, you have just imagined how he is with his (our) business. Now, I do the bare minimum with the business knowing full well if I go the distance for "our" business it could go so much further. But he challenges every piece of advise and suggestion making it impossible to be as good as it could be.
Still, leaving the relationship in the immediate is challenging because of having to reestablish myself in the working world again.
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to set aside any secret savings because he's so bad with money including how his son is living with us free of rent, bills, groceries and help around the house. His girlfriend lived with us for the last 3 years as well and I thankfully convinced her to move back in with her mother after years of trying to save her a lot of headache. However, when she lived with us, we were also footing the bills for her to live off of us too. Therefore, I have not been able to stash away money when we've been funneling it all into our home and livelihood.
All I can do is prep my resume to start my life over from scratch and figure out a way to finance a move out - move in somewhere else.
I don't know how I'll figure all this out alone though.
You will. You can do this.
You will. You can do this.
Like you said, step 1: Resume.
Step 2: Savings. It doesn't have to be much- $50, $75 that you can blame on groceries in a week. Another $20 you can blame on gas. Go into the store and get cash back with your transactions. Take the cash to the bank.
Once you have a job lined up take what you have and go. Don't look back.
This sounds like wage theft,
This sounds like wage theft, which is illegal. If you are not a stakeholder in his business, he should have been paying you a fair wage all this time. Slavery was outlawed a long time ago. There are no federal guidelines for how paramours split living expenses, so he can't say you were getting free rent in exchange for services. He's fully liable for your wages.
Scroll down on this one:
https://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/is-it-legal-for-my-boyfriend-to-not-p...
It is illegal as a blatant violation of the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA) for someone to work and not get paid. The law is quite clear that even if you wanted to work for free and "volunteer" your time that is not permitted under the FLSA except in very unique circumstances involving internship type training. Everyone must be paid at least minimum wage for every hour worked and at least time and a half for every hour worked in excess of 40 hours per week. It may be that your boyfriend is getting confused by the minor exception that applies to a family business in which a child performs work for the business but that isn't applicable here.
The FLSA is a fairly nasty animal that provides for liquidated damages equal to the amount that you should have been paid to begin with for violations. What that means is that when found to have violated the statute he will not only have to pay you what he should have paid you but he will also have to pay you an equal amount as liquidated damages resulting in his paying double.
I suggest that your boyfriend stop pretending to know what he is doing and actually get a business attorney to help him set things up correctly. If he thought that this was permissible there is no telling what else he has done wrong that will end up biting him in the backside later on. Fixing things upfront or early on costs only a fraction of what it costs to try and deal with errors later on.
I get it
I understand how impossibly hard and overwhelming this can feel. Like someone else said, one step at a time- it will be hard at first, but 6 months Into your new life you will be so relieved at not having to deal with all of that BS and kicking yourself for not doing it sooner.
Sending positive thoughts your way- you've got this!
Please
Call domestic violence, even if you dont feel like you are abused, they can point you to resources, and also plan a safe exit if that's what you want to do. They have a 24 hour hotline I think...
Hoping the best for you!! Take care of you n yours!!
My husband is a guilty disney dad and he struggles with
Putting his foot down for fear skids will cut him off but he has admitted to me he knows thats not a genuine relationship worth fighting for and end of the day, with the dysfunction of skids and their bio mum, hubby knows he has to prioritise us and our 2 kids together.
my ss would when alone with my husband make lies as if i were neglecting our kids and over exaggerating the situation and hubby called him out everytime and reminded him what he said wasn't true and he was well aware of what happened daily. In actual fact hubby didn't trust what ss said he did during the day and hubby would message me from work to confirm ss did what hubby asked of him. Says alot when you don't trust your own kid of 18+ yrs but trust your wife whom you've known barely 2-3 yrs.
sd's guilted my husband for marrying me and having kids with me. That angers my husband because its like bio mum can be whoring and having affairs, conning people and they excuse it but the moment daddy moves on with someone who makes him happy it's suddenly shame on him.
never would my hubby trashtalk me to his kids, his family or allow anyone of his kids or family trashtalk me. He has called out his elder brother for that brothers daughter trashtalking me and then trying to blame my husband for throwing their family away when we just wanted time alone and not deal with toxic drama.
any spouse who trashtalks their spouse to their kids has no respect or love for you. I couldn't remain in a marriage like that.
Someone else in a similar situation:
Heres a link to some of her blogs. Shes leaving/in process.
https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/adult-stepchildren/adult-stepso...
Im so sorry you are in this trap. It will be difficult, but not impossible to extricate yourself. Start with resume. You can do this. Can you get a job while working this business? Do you have friends/family you can ask for help? Stay with?
Your SO sounds abusive. Cut off any intimacy...
Please Do Not Make This Legal on Paper!
10 years of daddy enabling his manchild and trash talking his woman are not appealing. Is this really the life you want??
I know it's so much easier to say "JUST LEAVE" but you're seeing with your own eyes what your future holds if you choose to remain on this path. He cleans up after his brat, rather than MAKING HIS GROWN SON clean up after HIMSELF. He does this because he's afraid he'll upset his darling. He takes the path of least resistance and does it for him. In turn, the son learns ZERO responsibility, let alone etiquette, and it perpetuates. This will get exponentially more aggravating for you, trust me.
I have to wonder why you'd want to remain in a house with a slob and a daddy who enables him, as well as trash talks you with your full knowledge.
Love yourself more than this, please.
Why would you want to substantiate yourself in this shallow and
polluted genetic cesspool of a shit show family tragedy?
File for divorce, and save yourself.
Please.
Go to a refuge with your
Go to a refuge with your daughter.
Nothing in your current relationship, house or job is worth keeping.
I'm sure you'll get a job, it's a seekers market right now. It doesn't matter what you work at to start with, as long as you get something.
"Unfortunately, his father
"Unfortunately, his father validates his son's every word, followed by him ridiculing and projecting entire blame for household disorder onto me."
This statement you wrote really hit home with me and describes pretty much exactly what I have been living through for the past 4 years since my DH's son moved in with us. My DH also wants to be "friends" with his son and for this reason, will not parent or set any expectations/consequences. His response when I question this behavior? "I don't want him to get mad and move out." When my SS first moved in with us, my husband let his son and his girlfriend , both age 17 at the time, do whatever they wanted in our home, there were no rules. Fast forward to now, my SS is 21 and is a total failure to launch, barely works, won't go to school, gets high on pot with his dad, and they act like a married couple. It's sick. His son is increasingly dismissive and hostile toward me at this point. I see many parallels between my situation and yours. I am in the process of leaving, the only thing I am currently waiting on is a rental in the town I'm moving to that is 5 hours away from my situation (divorce papers are ready to file).
I kept thinking my situation would change. For years, I waited to be my husband's priority, for him to get his son to be an independent adult in his own place, etc and for us to focus on our future, our marriage. Nothing ever changed. In fact, the situation spiraled out of control to be what it is now: I am the roommate and my husband and his son live in my home, on my dime, neither works, neither wants to work, they spend their days working out, getting high, eating food I purchase, and badmouthing me.
You know your sitaution better than I do, but I would caution you about staying as I don't see your husband or his son changing. I feel for you as I know what it's like to be in this situation. Reading your entire post really hit home with me and made me angry and hurt for you.
Think about what you wrote on here, read it again and again. Decide what is best for YOU.