Oh the fun in our household
Guys, I'm tired. I'm exhausted of dealing with the BM's bullshit. I really am. You know what's the worst part, one of my SS's have been living with us since the summer. He's 8 and he's been thriving here. In fact, he's my sidekick. We go everywhere together! I know all of his friends and thier parents, my husband and I are the ones that talk to the teachers, and it started to feel like the three of us were our own family. Then about a couple months ago, he went to go visit his BM and his two brothers for the weekend. (They live about 45 minutes away from us.) Well he had told her that he thinks that he's not really her kid anymore, and more my kid.
Now, when we heard about what he said to his BM, we told my SS that he is still her child, and that there is love in his heart to love everyone. He doesn't need to be exclusive. But he would still call me his mom, not all the time, but a lot of times he would. He would also refer to me as his mom with his friends when they would come over or if I would pick him up from school.
Then yesterday she said she's moving down and it has to do with her mental health and we can't make her stay away. The one catch is in the divorce agreement, one cannot move a child out of his school district unless the other parent consents to it. So she would be moving the other two out of school mid year to move down here. And about a couple blocks away from where we live, so that the boys can all play with each other all the time.
My DH is done and really tired (obviously more than me) and after arguing to not move the kids mid year, he gave up. He told her that she can have all three kids if that's what she wants as well. Now for me, I'm not only having a hard time knowing that she would live close by but my one SS would want to be with his BM more. And my bubble has bursted. My little dream is gone and I know, I'm stupid,naive, and foolish to think that maybe he would some day just want to be my kid. Again, stupid is probably the best word for it.
Has anyone ever felt like their SS or SD was their own? Is that crazy and how do you get away from that idea?
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I can empathize with feeling
I can empathize with feeling a connection to one of your skids. My younger skid is 24 now, but I have been in her life since she was 5. My DH had EOWE type custody of his two girls..but when YSD was in 2nd grade.. she actually lived with us full time and saw her mom eowe instead.
Like your BM.. ours is not the kind of person we would ever want the kids to be like. She uses people, she confronts people, she has a warped sense of entitlement.. she had problems all the years keeping jobs and basically not being a good human being..
But, YSD and I are close. Due to all the years in her life... she has adopted some of my personality traits too. But, she still is her mom's daughter. She loves spending time with us, but she also sees mom. the difference is that we have no issue if she wants to spend time with her mom. Her mom punishes her in some way every time she spends time with us. She will litterally tell her she must "love us more" and will block her phone number and unfriend her on social media. Real immature crap like that! And that's just if she chooses to go on a fun road trip with us.. doesn't matter if she has spent more time with BM recently.. it;s all about "mama" right?
So, while in some ways I feel she is part of me and my life... I never would have taken it to the point where I had her call me "mom". She has a mom.
Your SS can love you and respect you and still understand that you are not his mother... and that doesn't make any difference to you in that you care for him.
I think it's inviting conflict to go that far with someone else's kid unless the other parent is truly dead and gone.
While his mom may not be the most wonderful person, obviously, by having custody of the other kids.. she is not an absolute danger to the children.
While I think it's great that you love your SS and that he loves you too.. and that you are having a positive impact. I think you should make a better effort to stay in the stepparent lane vs imagining yourself as his mother.. especially when the actual mother is still around.
I'm sure that the move is partially motivated by a fear that she will lose a connection with her other son.
And.. I don't think you have to make a huge deal of announcing you are "just the stepmom".. no need to go around correcting stranger's assumptions.. but I would avoid using phrases like "my son"
Excellent points
You're right and looking at what you're saying, I realized that it may have sounded like I was forcing the "mom" title on him. I always made sure to let him know his mom is his mom, but I'm always there for him too. However when he started referring me as mom to his friends and once in awhile would call me that, that's when I really started honing in this new thought process. I was stupid for doing that.
I also want to make sure I keep up with being the mature one where I don't let him know how I feel about his BM. Thus the reason for my account on here.
But you're right, I went into dangerous territories and I shouldn't have let my mind go there. It is a relief for your candidness.
The BM is unstable, comes from a lot of money, doesn't work, and gets bored/emotionally distressed extremely quickly. My DH and I always wanted our home to be the one that is stable and structured. My fear is that he won't look to me anymore. So by you discussing what it is like now and how you address the issues, was reassuring and something I want to strive for.
I think it's fine to
I think it's fine to acknowlege and appreciate the closeness you have developed. But, I think it's also possible to explain to SS that while you love him and are thankful he feels that way about you, that he does have a mother and it might hurt her feelings if she were to think that he cares for you more than her. That even if she doesn't have full custody of him, you are sure she loves him very much and could be upset if she thought you were taking her place.. so you want your relationship with him to be special and close... but it might be confusing or upsetting to her if he refers to you as mom... and if he does it with you.. he may slip up with her and that might not be good.
None of it has to be framed in a way that paints her poorly.. just that as a mother.. it might hurt her feelings to think her child doesn't feel he is her child any more.
It's nice that you like your
It's nice that you like your skid, that's sadly rare on here. But what's common is that people who like their skids when they are 8 no longer like them when they are 14+, when they start the "you aren't my mother!" stuff.
Guard your heart - he may love you very much, but he isn't and never will be your son. Doesn't mean you can't have a very positive relationship with him, but just accept and expect that his bio mother will always be number one - it's natural, kids are supposed to bond to bio parents. And they do, even if those bio parents are less than stellar.
Why was only one kid living with you in the first place?
Reasons
The points you made about my SS becoming a teenager is something that I have thought about. You're right with that one.
Okay - so here we go. The reason we have only one with us. ...
I have three SS's, one is now 12 - let's call him Todd. The other two SS are twins, they are 8. We'll call them Nick and Zack. Zack chose to live with us over the summer. He wanted to be away from Nick and Todd, especially when BM moved.
The reason for the move was Todd was diagnosed as Twice Exceptional Autisitic. Meaning he's high functioning, can do college level math but can only complete 2nd grade English and Writing. COVID made it worse for him and he had begun to spiral. He was also diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD. (OCD comes from BM's side, while depression comes from both sides). During COVID BM stopped making Todd do online schooling and allowing him to play all kinds of video games all day and all night. Now, Todd goes to a private school - this is why BM moved to begin with. But she only got a 1 bedroom apt for three people to share. BM also believes in "family bed" so Todd and Nick still sleep with BM. This has always been her way of thinking and because of that, Todd and Nick do not like to come over because they are so dependent of her. Mind you - she has a second home about 15 minutes away from us and she keeps the apartment up by the school. She can absolutely afford a two - three bedroom place.
So Zack liked the idea of having his own bedroom, with his own stuff. He likes being independent and has been thriving on it.
Lastly - when they move that means BM is taking Todd/Nick out of their schools mid year. Apparantly, during her rant, Todd has only been attending school an hour a day. But since it's a private shcool, they did not say anything.
Those of us who like our SKs
Those of us who like our SKs and act as parents to them can become too attached without realizing it. We also end up being a crutch for kids who want the "missing parent" to be present. They don't have the skills to process being angry and hurt, so they glob on to us and the stability, love, and comfort we provide. That makes it so much easier for us as SPs to love and care about that child...only to have our hearts broken when we've invested too much and the kid either works through those issues and pulls away OR attaches to the dysfunctional crumbs that the "missing parent" gives them.
Can't say that I have a foolproof system, but I take on the role of "parent" and not "Mom". I enforce rules, offer encouragement, help with homework, talk through friend problems, etc. But when it comes to dealing left out due to BM's shenanigans? When it comes to being mad/upset at BM? Or stepping in to "Mom" roles like sharing in the kids' achievements? Nope. My DH tackles that, and I make it clear to both the kids and DH that I am not the person for that.
I can be another person who supports them, and loves them, and wants to see them succeed. Aunts/uncles, cousins, older siblings, grandparents - all those folks can do that, too. But I am not Mom. I won't replace Mom. Ideally, BM will get her sh*t together and help her kids work through the mess she created. But that is their battle and feelings and relationships. I can't fix or replace that.
Best piece of advice I've received on this is put the kid's needs and best interests at the center. The kid needs a healthy relationship with their BM. Having a stand-in parent is nice, but that's not what meets the need. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to take a step back from what we want with them and give them the space to get what they need.
By all means, feel your feelings. Grieve this. But don't beat yourself up. This isn't the end of your family or relationship; it's just a shift. Your relationship with your SS is going to shift several times in the years to come.
Thank you!
If I had the option to love this comment I would. Thank you. I like that, I'm a parent but not a mom.
It's so hard to do this at times and I feel like you really isolated those specific challenges that I'm facing currently. I hate seeing the instability on her end and I want to fix everything and help them. But I can't. You're right about that. Those are their relationships with mom. I'm nervous that when I let go, they'll all end up so messed up from her.
You know it's funny - I remember when I started dating my husband, the oldest was 6. And I remember a lot of people would say "wow you're able to accept someone else's kids. That's incredible! " You know? But for me that was easy. What isn't easy, nor did I realize this till now (in this predicament) is saying, that I will accept the BM as well. That I will accept that she will always be in my life and I will be second to her. That's the acceptance that no one really tells you about.
Actually, you don't have to
Actually, you don't have to accept that BM will always be in your life. Since the girls were teens, BM has been a much smaller part of our lives (except for the CS hand out and the occasional rant from her). Now that they are both adults? I have seen her exactly ONE time..hahahaha.
She will likely always be in the Kid's lives. And it's not so much that you come second to her.. as your role is DIFFERENT than hers.
I know a lot of people on this board have had situations where kids turned on them as older teens or adults.
Actually, I would have to say it has been easier since they are adults.
Shoot, my SD and I have gone on vacation together.. just the two of us. and she often joins my DH and I on vacation. She calls me for advice and to vent. Now, I guess she also calls her mom and dad to talk about things too.. but I don't view it as me being "second".. I am an "also".
So, be an Also. His dad and mom love him. You ALSO love him. Sure, there will be times when it will be the place of the bio parents to stand up beside their child at a wedding or award ceremony... but don't just assume that means that the kid isn't caring of you too. And sometimes the best gift we can give these kids is a break from the war of allegiance.
They already get that from mom and dad.. we don't have to make them feel like they have to choose when it comes to us. Hey, I care.. I'm here if you need me. I will be your advocate and support. I often go to bat for YSD when I think my DH is being too negative with her. But I give this freely and not expecting it earns me a particular title. I know I'm important in her life.. and she tells me how fortunate she was that me and her Mom's eX were in her life growing up because we allowed them to have a better life than they would have had with their parents alone.
So.. you aren't second to BM.. but you aren't her.. not her role. That can be a curse.. as well as a blessing at times lol