I kinda want to scream....long...I'm sorry
I kinda want to scream, but it wouldn't help.
Some of y'all might have read my post in the step grandparents forum, but I thought my follow up might fit better here...but I also might not be thinking clearly...
So last night DH and I had a video call from SD20...she asked during the call when we were planning to come for Christmas (we were just there around Thanksgiving/SGD1 birthday). DH said probably the 26th, but we may drive thr four hour trip on the 25th...my filter fell off and I asked "so we'll be driving on Christmas Day?" DH made the good point that there won't be much traffic, and he's probably right about that. Then SD20 said she might come back with us...which means her and SGD1. I didn't like hearing that, but I didn't say anything because in reality I don't think it will happen because we aren't likely going to have room for them because my BS10 and our big dog are traveling with us 
After the call, DH and I were talking about our plans....going to visit my BS22 and his wife Christmas Eve (he's about 3 hours away and is military and doesn't have leave for Christmas and we don't get to see him more than 2-3 times a year), then likely coming home and re-packing to go to Podunk for 2 nights. Oh, and SD was sure to tell us that her BM (SD. Her husband and their 1 year old live with BM) is going to make dinner for us.
My DH KNOWS I'm not comfortable with the one big happy family bullshit. I've mentioned it before.
Well, I knew we needed to have another conversation about this situation because it's continuous and I don't feel like I'm being heard/understood/considered to the point that it matters.
Basically, I liked BM after we met until she did something I felt was crossing a line...telling my DH that her boyfriend was cheating on her (TMI!) And since that happened about 2 years ago, I haven't felt I can trust her.
For another example of why I feel this way, last Christmas we went to visit and one evening I was left in the living room holding SGD, who was about a month old at the time, while DH, SD, her husband and BM all went into the kitchen to play a game. I brought that up last night and for a moment DH said he understood, then he went back to saying I was reading too much into it, that it wasn't a big deal, that I shouldn't think like that, that he wouldn't care if my 1st husband came over every day blah, blah blah. He got defensive and his voice was raised and I told him I didn't want to be yelled at....but he said he wasn't yelling. I told him I was only trying to tell him how I felt and I added sarcastically that maybe my feelings were wrong and maybe I should work on it. He agreeded with me!
I don't know how much more of this I can take. It feels like I am continually at the bottom of the list of things to care about when I feel like your spouse should be at the top. As a parent, I know sometimes kids have to be #1, but I'd love a turn a being picked, too.
I love him and I believe he loves me, too, but I also feel like I'm being taken for granted.
I don't want to skip out on the trip, because in my mind that feels like saying I forfeit and SD wins (she's manipulative), and if BM gets off on the situation, she wins, too. I don't play like that.
Its even possible SD doesn't want me to come so that there is room for her and SGD to come back with DH...SD doesn't drive, so she would have to be driven.
I know it's a lot, but this is the only place where people understand situations like this.
DH is being very
DH is being very inconsiderate of you. Both of you should have discussed Christmas plans together before he blurted it out on the call.
Would you be staying overnight at BM? Hell no. I would go (sorry non-driving SD, no room for you!) but tell DH to book a motel room. No way I'd want to stay with BM!
Definitely staying in a hotel
Definitely staying in a hotel! I would never dream of spending the night in her home, and if DH did, I'd tell him to stay there and not come back.
I can't seem to make DH really get how uncomfortable it is for me. We can't even seem to be able to go out for a meal there that BM doesn't also come. He says he's just glad they have a good, civil relationship now, because until 2 years ago, they didn't.
"Well how wonderful for you,
"Well how wonderful for you, DH, because your relationship with your current wife is on a high-speed downward spiral."
Yes!!! Why can't he see this?
Yes!!! Why can't he see this?
I even told him it seems like he's defending BM, which he denied, of course.
Then try different tactics ..
Then try different tactics ... When he says he's glad that they get on well together, maybe ask him if that's why he's so keen on spending so much of his holiday time with her because it's starting to look as if he wants to hook up with her again? Because why else would he have so little regard for his current's wife's feelings? Why else would she be tagging along all the time? Why else would he be ignoring you and stomping all over your sense of common decency?
Dammit, make him sweat!
No
BM tagging along to all meals is a no. DH needs to set the boundary that you two will be going to brunch, dinner, whatever alone.
I get the frustration of DH not getting how this all makes you feel. SO is just starting to comprehend that I dislike Bratty and even going to brunch with her makes me anxious. You don't need reasons for your feelings - your feelings are valid and he needs to respect that. You need to tell him the whole situation makes you uncomfortable, you are upset that he doesn't discuss plans with you before blurting them out, and you are tired of being at BM and SDs mercy when it comes to plans. This is a case where some joint counseling sessions may help with communication.
And PS SD is 20 with a child, her lazy arse needs to learn to drive. No more bumming rides back and forth.
To be fair, I knew that if we
To be fair, I knew that if we couldn't get SD20 and her husband to come visit us that we would go there at some point to take gifts and visit.
On the video call last night is when she finally told us her husband's work schedule, which won't allow them to come to us. I had pretty much expected that the people with the least amount of time and the most responsibilities would be dumped on...
DH would move heaven and earth to see SGD, though. Hell, I feel pretty sure he would happily leave me over her. I know he is gaga over this baby, but I wish he would remember he has a wife, too.
Of course he wants to see SD
Of course he wants to see SD and SGD and he should be gaga over the new baby. But you're correct - he is forgetting to tend to his marriage first. As adults we have to priortize but can make space for everyone we love in our lives. Right now he is forgetting that you are a human being with your own needs that may not include forced time with BM.
I do think counseling would help - would your DH agree to go?
It sounds like your DH and BM
It sounds like your DH and BM either hate each other or are best friends. That sounds like a toxic dynamic. They don't seem to be able to manage civil with boundaries. I wouldn't want to deal with the holiday "family" gatherings, either.
Don't go to anywhere BM will
Don't go to anywhere BM will be. If you go, stay in the hotel and go with DH if he meets up with SD/SGD away from BM. Put your foot down, woman!
I appreciate hearing that my
I appreciate hearing that my feelings don't seem out of line.
DH had admired the relationship I have with my 1st husband because we get along fine and can attend events for thr kids together without any problems and we can get together for discussions when needed for the kids. But we don't celebrate holidays together. We don't have meals together just for the hell of it.
I am willing to compromise but I need DH to meet me half way. I can handle a finite amount of time at BM's to give gifts, just because its convenient with a one year old. But when we go to brunch, dinner or whatever, I don't want BM there. I lost my appetite last time because she was there.
I am trying to handle this with as much grace and dignity as I can muster, but y'all, I am digging at the bottom of the barrel.
Don't go on the trip. No one
Don't go on the trip. No one is "winning" just because you don't twist yourself into a pretzel to meet DH's needs. It's absurd that he wants to drive 4 hours for 2 nights on Christmas Day, and if SD is coming back with him anyway, then why bother going?
Make your own plans and let him know that next time you expect to be involved in planning, not informed. In fact, maybe you should just plan to go spend Christmas with your BS22 and take your BS10 with you, and leave DH at home so he can go visit SD.
DH will keep this up as long as you let him by not doing anything other than going along.
I was hoping that speaking up
I was hoping that speaking up would garner some recognition of my discomfort and maybe even a heartfelt apologyfor contributing to it, but I feel like a child who had her hand slapped and was scolded.
I try really hard to manage my feelings and to be flexible, but....I think I deserve something in return.
After so much for so long, it will definitely lead my refusal to go if it means I am expected to hang out with BM all the time. That's not what I signed up for.
And your DH expects you to
And your DH expects you to act like a scolded child and "obey" him.
I am absolutely certain that I wouldn't go. He made a decision without you, and you've asked for a reasonable thing and would go with him if that happened. But he wants what he wants and that's it. Your feelings about this just don't matter to him.
You can ALSO tell DH that you are not up for visitors so soon after the busy holidays. SD won't die if she hears the word "no."
NFW
Your DH is being totally inconsiderate on so many levels. First its a total NO NO to blurt out plans without discussing with you first. I would be simmering at that point.
Second WTAF you spend christmas with BM in her home. They played games while you, the nanny, held the grandbaby in another room? This is screwy.
Of course your DH downplays it, gaslights you. This works for him. This certainly works for manipulative SD. She knows any woman in this scenario would feel shitty. Yea and BM gets a good chuckle. Everyone comes before the lowly 2nd wife, who has to suck it up.
I give you credit. I wouldnt go at all. Id stay home and make my own christmas . Your DH can choose to go where he wants. That will tell ya everything.
Is DS 10 yours and DH's?
It's definitely a mess.
It's definitely a mess.
DH and I are both 3rd marriage, so I have BS 22 and BD 17 with 1st husband and BS10 with 2nd husband. DH has SD20 and another child (DH and this adult child aren't on speaking terms) with his 1st wife and no kids from his second marriage.
I kinda want to go just to ensure that SD20 and SGD1 can't come back to my house....I have a full time job and my own home and kids to take care of when we get back so I definitely don't want to deal with her and the mess that comes with her and I know it would be multiplied with the baby, because SD doesn't so much as put dishes in the dishwasher. My house isn't baby proofed and we have stairs. We also won't have room to bring baby equipment like a highchair and things back.
I may be torturing myself some by going, but it might save me from even more torture if I go....
But see - you SHOULD just be
But see - you SHOULD just be able to tell your DH that you are not okay with her coming back with him, for all the reasons you listed above, and he should take that into consideration. Having to tag along so BM and SD don't manipulate him is not a sustainable.
I'd never really thought of
I'd never really thought of it that way. ...and you're right. BUT I really feel like DH thinks any price is worth it when it comes to being near the baby. He expects me to feel the same.
It's not right and it's not fair and this isn't how the man I married behaved. I'm overwhelmed now because this isn't what I expected. And I don't think I ask for too much.
I guess my eyes are opening to what reality is in front of me now. And I have to figure out how to deal with it.
None of the options are too appealing right now....
HUGS
You need to clear the air with DH.
This is one sided, you know that right?
You do what your gut tells you. This is just advice take it or leave it.
I would not go. I would also tell him SD is not welcome to come back for all the above reasons you gave.
At some point you need to make this scenario as a hill to die on. Otherwise you will become the shell of the fab woman you are. Not to mention riddled with resentment and anxiety. Life is way too short to live without a say in your own home. Hell and BM's home, YUCK!
Well, he needs to be
Well, he needs to be disabused of the notion that having his grandkid there is equally important to you, because it's not. So your needs and wants come ahead of SD's, since she doesn't live there, and are at least equal to his (and maybe higher depending on the circumstances).
So stand your ground and don't let him bully you.
Agree with the above two ^^^^
Agree with the above two ^^^^
If you truly cannot prevent her from coming to your home, are you able to make it perfectly clear to your DH that YOU will do NOTHING to help clean/cook/cater? HE is the one responsible for his daughter and GK? HE wants them there over your needs then HE must do the work for it. If they do make a mess you better be ready to raise h*ll with him or just trash bag it all, yes, all of it and then he can take care of it from there if it's in your way.
I agree with tog. Your H is
I agree with tog. Your H is not hearing you. He isn't understanding that his norm isn't yours, or even good for your marriage. In these early marriage days, he's trying to get you to conform so he gets what he wants. Drawing boundaries now is essential, because it will set the tone for how your marriage proceeds.
When words don't work, action is needed. Do something that will make your H suffer/feel discomfort. If that needs to be separate Christmases, do it - and make sure he's the one who comes home to an empty house. What's his Achilles' heel? Does he like having you at his side? In his bed? Are you the chief cook and housekeeper? Whatever it is, arrange circumstances so that he misses out on it by haring off on this nonsense tour.
I'd also consider hanging out with some of your exes, friends from college, or that hot personal trainer from the gym. Do the whole "invite him along & then exclude him" routine. Stomp some of the same boundaries, play on HIS insecurities and make him feel uncomfortable.
I've already had it in my
I've already had it in my mind that if SD and SGK land at our house, I am not the maid, babysitter, chauffeur, or caterer. I will make dinner, like I always do when I get home from work...if its not to someone's liking, they don't have to eat it. As for other messes, I'll tell DH it can rot before I touch it and when they leave I will hire someone to clean it up because I'm not doing it.
As for going over there, he and I have communicated today and its a one night only show. If BM or DS push the right buttons and my mood hasn't changed from what it is now, it just might be a fireworks show at that.
The plan has evolved to us driving there Christmas Day, but it will be evening when we get there, so depending on what time it is, we may not see SD at all until the following day. We are taking DH's truck, which is a big crew cab, but we will have Dzh, myself, BS10 and our doggo and luggage and gifts, which shouldn't allow any room for SD and SGD to hitch a ride with us. And in case he tries to think of a way to make it work, I'm definitely telling him that I am not up to it...so it's clear that if she does come to our house, I am not taking on the work they generate. My plate is too full as it is.
I appreciate the support here sooo much. Its one thing to think my feelings are reasonable, it's reassuring of my sanity to hear it here.
I totally get wanting a decent relationship with the ex because there are times you have to be in the same place...and its best for everyone if you can be civil and on speaking terms. I have that with BD17 and BS22's dad. But I am not a TV sitcom person who is cool with BM being part of every interaction we have with SD and SGK.
I expect there to be more discussions between us about this...and I hope there are. I don't know if he will ever accept that its not reasonable to expect me to love visiting with BM and to have her join in on every meal/activity, but of he wants to continue our relationship he will have to accept what my feelings are and that I cannot tolerate it.
I'm sure SD will always try to manipulate at every opportunity, whether its to have her parents at the same place at the same time or whatever else, I think it's a given...I can deal with situations as they arise. She plays dumb, but she's not and I think DH is aware...he's called her out on some of her B.S. in the past.
I don't want these situations to ruin us, but I can't help but feel like it could if he doesn't open his eyes.
Id go...
And read your post out loud and then read out comments out loud, to DH. For entertainment during the drive.
(Evil maniacle laugh)
Ive had Husband sit while I read off comments. Because this advice is GOLD.
There are more layers than an
There are more layers than an onion here, lol.
I don't think my DH is interested in BM....but I think BM had her ego bruised when her ex boyfriend of like 10 years cheated on her....so bruised that she felt the need to tell DH about it...red flags flew out in all directions for me because they had only recently started speaking to each other again after more than 5 years (I say that because we'd only been together 5 years and they may have spoken 4 sentences to each other during that time). DH brushed it off, saying she probably just needed a friend....my response was she needs to find an appropriate friend.
Anyway....I think BM might want to find out if she could have DH if she wanted him...not necessarily that she does want him. She has another boyfriend now....SD made such a big deal telling DH about all the dates BM was going on with this guy when the started seeing each other (at least 6 months ago). We've met him and he's a nice guy. DH talked cars with him for a good while at a cookout last summer, lol. But it's still effing weird.
DH said this last night...that BM acts differently when her boyfriend is around...and he's right...she keeps her distance then and doesn't strike up conversations with DH like she otherwise would. I'm sure her boyfriend would perceive it as flirting. I take it as her holding my DH'd attention and making sure he isn't paying attention to me. And it does hurt my feelings. I don't know if DH is blind or what, but I'd love for him to see a video playback of him turned towards BM while I sit next to him twiddling my thumbs.
If BM's boyfriend is around, I know that wouldn't happen because she wouldn't behave that way...too bad he has to work often when we are there.
I hope he thinks about what I've said so far, and I hope it matters enough to him for it to make a difference.
Ugh, it is a clusterfluck.
Be gone with you!
Quit giving her space in your head. Just play the look down your nose at her and give her the back handed "be gone with you" wave. She is your SO's X. She means nothing to you and has zero value in your life. Make sure your SO is clear on this.
"Buh-by biotch!"
I like your response and it
I like your response and it seems like this is what my husband actually wants me to do, but it hits different coming from someone else. Does that make sense?
He gives me this puzzled look and says things like "you're worried about nothing", "you're letting this get in your head when it's nothing"
Maybe this time when we're there I need to take a different approach in dealing with this woman.