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It gets much worse

Newimprvmodel's picture

Over the years I shared many things with my brother. We were close and I don't have many friends. So I blocked him yesterday. Tonight during dinner he texted my husband, ex husband and stepdaughters. Basically saying he has done bad things but so have I. He shared personal info that I knew about each of them over the years and even told one SD that I had wished her child drowned in their pool.  Then said he hoped they had a happy life With me in it. My husband was wonderful didn't even read what my brother wrote to him and we erased and blocked. I reached out to ex and apologized but he was shaken. I AM SHAKEN. 

I had abortion at 17 and only shared with my brother who told my mother last night. I got a phone call from her on my voice mail calling me a murderer and how could I have killed her child and she hoped I would get my karma very soon.

I am shell shocked. All I did was say no to taking out of my IRA.  The two of them are in debt for hundreds of thousands yet are focused on me. I am glad I am thousands of miles because honestly I am afraid. And what to say to SDs?  DH called them and said my brother having emotional issues. 
 

ndc's picture

If there's a bright spot in all of this,  it's that you now have clarity as to who your brother and mother are, and as difficult as that is to know,  you also know you're doing the right thing.  (((HUGS)))

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I am so sorry. You have done nothing to deserve any of this. It sounds like your brother has some real issues. Please don't let him get to you.

caninelover's picture

Greed does strange things to people, unfortunately.  The good thing is your DH is with you and explaining things to stepkids.  It must be a shock to deal with such a betrayal of trust.  I am sorry for you but now you know their true colors.

shellpell's picture

I'm very sorry to read this. I hope you can find solace in the fact that you did the right thing and that your mother and brother are sick people.

tog redux's picture

Wow. Your brother feels so entitled to YOUR hard-earned money, that he's willing to harass you and try to destroy your relationships to punish you for not just handing it over. I know you must feel hurt, but feel angry, too.  If he continues, I'd suggest filing harassment charges against him.

Again I hope you have a good therapist, you have a lot to sort out here. Start from a place of recognizing this is a really sick family dynamic, and it has nothing to do with your value as a daughter and a sister.  But it will take a while to disentangle your feelings of hurt, guilt, anger, etc. In the meanwhile, protect yourself from these people by taking a break from any contact with them.  It doesn't have to be forever.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I am horrified. Yesterday all I could think about was murderer. Murderer. And in my mother's awful gleeful voice. 
today I just want to stay in bed and cry. I have a decent relationship with ex. Will that continue?  My brother was brutal in his attack.  My husband laughed about the emails sent to himself and didn't even read them. Told his daughters to just ignore. 
I can't laugh it off. I worry what more he will do. 
I can't feel sorry for myself. The person to feel sorry for is my little nephew. I hope someday I get to raise him. 
I actually indulged in screaming in my car last night at the air. All the pent up rage at my mother and brother. 

tog redux's picture

This is psychological and verbal abuse, and it's traumatic for you - please find a therapist to talk to. It is devastating to be abused by people you love in this manner and it takes time to regain your equilibrium.  They know you will feel guilty and afraid and they are using that against you. They hope that you will be off balance and willing to give in to stop the abuse. 

 

Newimprvmodel's picture

Usually my brother and I would commiserate about her. We've never really argued my brother and I. Yes I recognized his emotional issues. 
I will get up today and move on. I will not have anymore contact with them. Both blocked.  
this was the line in the sand crossed for me.  

The_Upgrade's picture

Well after torping that nuclear warhead at your life does your brother expect a single cent?! What a nutjob to think "oh yeah this will get me what i want, she'll see things my way now" 

AgedOut's picture

In all honesty, it would devistate me but I'd fight back. Not by a counter attack but by a deliberate removal of them from my life. You said before that your Mom does not live with your Dad. Block her. Remove her from your lane. The same with your brother. 

 

As for the people he tried to poison. Time may soothe these things and be honest say "I am so sorry (brother's name here)  came to you and told you these stories. He is trying to destroy every relationship I have because I will not allow him to have my finances. He is poison and he is no longer allowed in my life. I suggest you do the same, remove him and we can try to live our lives away from his venom and filth. " 

 

 

advice.only2's picture

Send him a cease and desist, if he doesn't comply proceed with legal action for slander and harassment.  Personally I would be letting all the people he contacted know that he is mentally unstable and is lashing out because you are not bailing him out of a financial hole.  Even if some stuff he stated is true, the people who received the messages don't need to know that.  Deny any of his claims and let them know going forward they would be wise to block him and ignore.  Also let them know you are taking legal action against him.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Is that over the course of our lives I have shared things about other people in my life with him. Not to gossip but merely talk with him and ask his advice.  He is now throwing that back at them and THEN adding the lies.  I found out that my mother is now contacting people through social media and feedback has been they are crazy.  
To say that I am concerned is an understatement. I am a quiet unassuming non conflict person. How far will this smear campaign go?  I have no control over it.  

tog redux's picture

Right, you can't control it. You will find out who you can trust though, because they will not believe this sudden, random smear campaign, and will see through it. 

sandye21's picture

Do the 'cease and desist' now and inform everyone you are taking legal action against him.  This will show them that you have the law on your side.

Your brother sounds as if he is in a state of extreme panic, so you can guess that things might be worse than what he conveyed to you when he asked for your money.  You can then surmise that they are desperate enough to employ character assassination to get what they want from you.  It looks like even if you did give them the money it would be a Band-Aid, then what?  Keep on repeating to yourself that this is not you, it is them.

I know this is a big shock to you but better you find out now.  Congratulations!  You saw through this before ruining your life.  You still have your retirement!!  You still have your DH and people around you that love you.

A couple of years ago my sisters (the only sisters I had left) tried to con me out of my legal inheritance.  Like you, I too was 'shell shocked'.  I was worried about what other members of the family would think after they told their lies to cover their asses.  But the truth always seems to come out.  I too had to take legal action.  I cut all ties with them and have never looked back.  Take it from me, in another couple of years you will thank your lucky stars you didn't send them the money. 

CajunMom's picture

But will agree...BLOCK BOTH and END CONTACT. 

I know that's hard but I had to block two of my half siblings (only two siblings left on this earth) because of their horrific life styles. I mourn that every once in a while but mostly take joy that the toxic two no longer have access to me. I'm so sorry. Sending you a virtual hug.

 

Harry's picture

That SOB money.  Yoi knew once you told your mother  and brother no money your relationship with your mother and brother was ending. That unfortunated, but thay both are going to be on the streets in the future.  They will be back begging for money,  again and again.  You are the only one with a job.  They tapped out all other people in there life 

Thumper's picture

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry, deeply sorry.

 How awful of your brother to reveal such private and very personal matters. WOW WTH

I wish your Mother would have shown more compassion ( I AM SO SORRY). 

---------------

"The person to feel sorry for is my little nephew. I hope someday I get to raise him". 

Perhaps it is time to re-think raising your nephew. Being tied to your brother and mother in this capacity will bring years of pain for you. Let them figure it out. 

*do not let anyone tell you "family is family, blood is thicker than water, that is just the way they are,,,you have to FORGIVEN them bs*----Those are the people who will continue to cause you pain...not thinking twice about it either. 

Again I am so sorry. I would walk completely away from them AND block.. No regrets either. (((HUGS)))

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MissTexas's picture

man!

You know what he did really was malicious, and for that, I'm so very sorry for you.

As upsetting as what he did may be, please know it is NOT YOU, it's HIM. 

I know it's very painful for you and I understand why. All you can do is control your reaction to someone else's poor actions. Please do not retaliate or try to one up him or get back at him. The same goes for your awful mother. Instead of empathizing with you she elected to chastise you. She gave you no emotional support whatsoever. I know you did what you thought was the right thing at 17, and no doubt you've lived with it every since. God has forgiven you, and forgotten (as far as the east is from the west) receive & believe that. Love yourself.

Be thankful you're far away from him and don't have to deal with him on a regular basis. You've gotten a good start by blocking him, now do the same with your mother!

Sending hugs from Texas, (as we are being overrun with many militant men with AR14s & AR15s) be well and do what makes you feel best. Focus on the good things in your life. Right now, it's a fresh wound, and it will take time, it's a process. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

Thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart. I don't have many friends and the one or two I have I could share this stuff. I am so ashamed. And anxious. I have always had such fear of my mother. And her harsh criticism. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You have nothing to be ashamed for as you have done nothing wrong. I understand why your mother's awful words are bringing up your feelings about the abortion - but what she said was horrible. You are not a murderer. You made a decision about your body and life that was right for you.

I agree with the other posters - taking some defensive action might be a good idea. At the least, contact a lawyer and get their feedback on steps that you might take.

Take a few days to grieve the loss of your mother and brother. Because that is what this is - a loss.

MissTexas's picture

small way.

Isn't it sad that a complete nameless, faceless stranger can have more empathy and understand your feelings better than "family."

I'm telling you, when I see a place advertised stating, "We treat you like family" I run as far away as I can get! LOL

You can message me if you'd like.

Hoping things are better.

hereiam's picture

I am so sorry that they have stooped to such a low level. They are definitely showing all of their crazy and all of their hate, which you do not deserve, and others can see right through, I'm sure.

No need to fear your mother any longer, just be done with her.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

We are here for you.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Holy crap. I'm so sorry. Echoing those who say cut off contact with both. 

CLove's picture

From Coastal California. Im so sorry you are going through this character assassination!

(((digital hugs)))

Rags's picture

Or a mother.  They are a self perpetuating Succubus/Incubus coupling that you need to block and ignore. IMHO.

We all have baggage.  People of quality learn from their baggage and progressively live ever improving lives of quality.  Shit people do what your mother and brother are doing.  Don't  give the shit any more focus or value than to scrape it off of your shoe and hike on through your amazing life adventure.

My younger brother and I share confidences not dissimilar to the confidences that your brother is now toxically sharing with the world.  I had a GF pregnancy my freshman year of college. I proposed, she accepted, then she terminated the pregnancy.  I was by her side through all of that.   My parents knew.  I told them.  My younger brother knew as well.  Three years later my brother asked for he and I to go to dinner together.  He was 16 and his GF was pregnant.  I had his back.  To this day mom and dad do not know.  I kept that confidence as he asked me to do.  I would have a 38yo child and my brother would have a 35yo.  The lives of our wives and children would be completely different.  I have no regrets though I am occasionally retrospective about that part of my life.  My brother and I have never discussed that phase of our lives since we lived it together.

Scrape the shit off of your shoe, march on in confidence.  Invest in your relationship with your dad and let your mom and brother rot in their toxic choices.

I am sorry you are having to go through this.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Today I woke up feeling stronger. I don't know if anyone can identify but I lived in fear of my mother's wrath for many years when I was younger. Especially in college when she either would dislike a boyfriend of mine or was flirtatious with the ones she liked. I remember one year she had an argument with one and he dared argue back. She ordered him out of the house at midnight.  Sadly I did nothing.  Dissolve into tears.  Knots in my stomach. For years. 
Never close with my father.  He was browbeaten and stayed in the basement. 
I' m going to be ok.  Every day is a gift.  You don't get the time back.  Feeling anxiety over something I don't have control over is a waste of time. Giving power to these two is a waste of time.  They really are pathetic at this point. 
anyway. Reading all your thoughts have helped.  

Rags's picture

Take care of you.

It may never be too late to invest in the relationship with your father.  If there is anyone on the planet who may understand, it is your dad.

sandye21's picture

New, I cry for your pain because I have experienced the same feeling of family betrayal from people who are SUPPOSED to love us.  It would really be interesting to have a poll and see how many of us were abused as children.

From the responses to your post it is plain to see that many of us lived with narcissistic abuse as children.  There was the 'golden child' and then there was us - the ones who were always trying to obtain our parents' approval and acceptance, no matter the price to our soul.  As hard as we tried, we were never successful.  Hard to believe that even as adults we play the cat and mouse game.  We are expected to keep all of this sickness locked up in secrecy so we appear to be a model family on the outside.  Then select a partner we use as a surrogate 'parent', who has the same sick traits - to resolve the problems we had with our incompetent parents.

We post on ST that our partner doesn't support us or treat us with respect.  The partner allows the SKID to abuse and scream at us.  The partner allows the SKID to act like they are at a funeral when they are attending our wedding.  At the SKID'S wedding the partner says nothing when we are instructed to wear a special color then banned from any and all family photos.  The partner expects us to clean, cook and entertain SKIDS and remain in the background as if we are a servant.  We are restricted in conversations with and about SKIDS.  We are expected to pay for 1/2 of all expenses for the SKIDS, sometimes for the living expenses of our partner.  The partner lives a double life, alternating time with us and the SKIDS, takes the SKIDS on a vacation, or relocates to be near the SKIDS, giving us the choice of moving or leaving us behind.  Our partner refuses to satisfy our most basic needs. The partner is not there for us when we need them most.  And through it all there is something 'familiar' that we can't quite put our finger on.

We go on for sometimes decades without really moving ahead, still hoping that our partners will charge into the one we dreamed of, the person they are incapable of being.  Now we are dealing with not only the original family's rejection, but that of our partner too.

This was my life too - before I got therapy.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Imagine being 6 years and raised by my mother and brother?  He is a lonely little kid without friends who literally spoke to himself playing with his toys the last time he stayed at our house over the past year. After a few weeks he stopped talking to himself. 
the sorrow I feel is for him. It must awful now. With the two so called adults screaming at each other because they are  in panic mode.  Likely I will never see him again.  He has no mother.  He honestly is me at that age. 

Unsureofthis's picture

I can't tell you how much this resonates with me Sandye21. This is a real eye opener. So do you think we choose this situation because it's familiar to us, or do we make these situations bigger in our minds than what they actually are because of our history and childhoods? I have done some research into this and have watched Kenny Weiss's youtube videos that you recommended, particularly on codependency. I can't quite work out if codependents seek out partners that are like their abusive/neglectful parents, or if it's the codependents that are hyper sensitive to these situations later in life. Perhaps people that are less codependent wouldn't make quite such a big deal out of the same step situations than people like us who have lived through these childhoods?

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but every word you have written is my life. I have craved my mother's acceptance and validation my whole life and I have never had it - my brothers got it instead. Now, with my SO, I feel hard done by because again I want to be someone's priority and again, someone else is the priority in my SO's life. But is that the reality or is it just in my head because of my upbringing.

My situation is not as overt as OP's, though I could see how it could come to that if my mother was pushed and I'm pretty sure my parents' finances are in the gutter as a result of subsidising my brothers for the last 40 years. I for one have distanced myself completely from the trainwreck that is my brothers (twins) because of the dysfunction in my family and I will always keep them at arms length. Much like my SD!

sandye21's picture

"Perhaps people that are less codependent wouldn't make quite such a big deal out of the same step situations than people like us who have lived through these childhoods?" 

We make a bigger deal out of step situations which are similar to the ones we had with our parents because we never healed from the original wound.  And when you re-open that wound it not only hurts more, it goes even deeper and causes more pain.  As a result, over-reaction.  So you are right that we seek out people who bring the 'familiar' feeling of our parents, AND we are also hyper sensitive. 

Do you see how you are revisiting the pain of not being prioritized (as you should be) by your SO and how it is very similar to the way you were treated by your parents when they prioritized your Bothers?   The result is an overwhelming feeling of rejection and unworthiness.

I also noticed that you said you are keeping your brothers and SD at arms length.  They play the same roles in both scenarios.

Take the example of my SD and her husband who visited, and as a coincidence it was my Birthday.  They awoke, and came into the dining room to eat breakfast which my DH was cooking.  When my DH said, "Happy Birthday", neither one said a word.  For some unknown reason they were mad at me.  To this day I still don't know what it was.  In a 'normal' marriage, DH would take SD aside and find out why she was being rude.  But my DH didn't.  This echoed from my childhood when I was beaten and was not protected.  I was also taken back to every Birthday when my Mother would tell me how horrible it was when I was born, and she let me know she didn't want to make or buy a cake.  So SD's actions affected me a lot deeper than it should have.  I didn't question my DH as to why he did nothing.  No one mentioned the incident again.  It, as many others was swept under the rug.

People who are less co-dependent are more sure of themselves and have a higher sense of self-worth.   If this were to happen today I would have asked what the problem was so we could have 'calmly and directly' cleared the air.  Because I have more self-worth now, DH would have known as his wife I have a right to his support.  He would have taken an active part in resolving the issue.

I am not saying that everyone does this.  If a person is lucky they can overcome the pain and look for someone who is healthy for them.  I have a friend who said that after a disastrous marriage he went to therapy and learned to change.  Then, like my soon-to-be-ex, there are those who will never change.  Once we take the path toward healing painful childhoods our partner has to change with us toward a healthier relationship.  Like you I had to go no-contact with my Sisters but have never been sorry for doing it.

Unsureofthis's picture

So insighful, thank you Sandye21. I couldn't quite work out why a 20 something girl behaving badly could be so triggering to me. Now I understand. I will ponder this some more.

MissTexas's picture

I'm thankful always that our paths crossed on this website. 

You helped me so much when all my mess came to an explosive head, and you continue to do so.

I hope I get the honor of meeting you in person one day!

sandye21's picture

I have felt this way about you too!!!  (((HUGS)))

Maxwell09's picture

Have your DH tell SD that your brother is sending out crazy irratic, misleading messages out to everyone to turn on you because you will not give him money from your IRA. Tell them he is blackmailing you and saying anything he can think of to hurt those around you. You do not have to clarify for her what is or is not a lie, but have it out there that what he's doing is out of desperation.