Dreaded birthday day out
How do I tell my partner I don't want his disruptive son who has ADHD to come on my birthday day out as I want it to just be the two of us and I don't want anything to go wrong as when his son is with us he will create a scene but screaming at his dad that he wishes his dad was dead and that he is a rubbish dad which obviously embarrasses my partner greatly. I have previously told my partner I don't want his son coming on special days because he doesn't deserve too after the issues he creates but my parent doesn't want to leave him out but I just don't want him around or feel as though he deserves to come on a nice day out.
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Frame it differently. Not
Frame it differently. Not that you don't want his son but that you want some special time with him.
Tell him taht this is YOU special day and that you want it to be just the two of you. Tell him it's like a date if he resists and demand to know why you're not allowed to have dates with your man like everyone else. Even long-term couples who live together and have kids together have date nights so why shouldn't you?
You're allowed to have time alone. He just has to get that into his head - he doesn't have to have his son joined at the hip all day and every day.
^^^^^
^^^^^
What she said. Additionally, your partner needs a smack upside the head (think rolled-up newspaper) to jolt his brain from ‘guilty dad’ disorder to rational thinking. Kidding aside, who in the world takes a child (particularly an embarrassing, undisciplined brat) on a romantic outing?!
Your partner does not appear to be equipped for a reciprocal relationship, for whatever reason. That does not make him a bad guy, just a man with some unresolved issues. Proceed at your risk.
Personally
Take Winterglow's advice. She's good.
Personally, if my partner invited his child on a special event outing, I wouldn't go. There are lots of times when its right/kind to invite the kids but there are other times when it isn't appropriate.
Why is your partner not
Why is your partner not asking what YOU want on your birthday? It's kind of oblivious for him to assume you'd like his son to be part of any plans. And you've already told him once that you don't want him coming on special days.
From your post it sounds like your parents are involved in your plans, so you can't use winterglow's idea, is that right? Personally I think you should be direct about it and just say, "Hey, as we've discussed in the past, I like our plans to be just us and my parents for my birthday, so I don't have to worry about SS's behavior."
I suspect the word "parent"
I suspect the word "parent" is a typo (or an autocorrect interference) for "partner".
Oh yeah! I see now that there
Oh yeah! I see now that there is no S. Well, either way - she can say she wants a romantic night out with him, or be honest and direct about how his kid ruins special days.
I agree with Wintergow.
I agree with Wintergow. Besides, why would your partner assume that it would be okay to bring his son on your birthday day out? Inconsiderate and kind of rude.
Your partner doesn't want to leave him out? That's ridiculous. There are MANY things in adult lives that children are not a part of.
Welcome to the site!
Your birthday is YOUR day, and it is your choice where you go, who comes with you. Surely we step mothers get at least one day per year when it is all about us?
Thanks for your answers. Yes
Thanks for your answers. Yes parent was a typo. Partner keeps asking for us to do things together. I've told him I don't want my day to be ruined and want alone time with him but he keeps saying his son wants to spend my birthday with me as he doesn't feel he does anything wrong. My partners ex has also said we need to include him in our plans otherwise the son will not feel wanted. My partner is trying to keep everyone happy and it's basically a game of who can shout the loudest is the winner of attention! I don't want to cause my partner extra stress but I'm starting to struggle with how much his son is imposing on my life. When it is just the two of us life couldn't be more perfect but when his son is involved and with us, it's a completely different story
His son will ALWAYS be
His son will ALWAYS be involved in his life.
It is YOUR birthday. Why are his exwifes thoughts on what YOU should do on a day about YOU be more important than what YOU want to do?
Honestly, do you want everything in your life to revolve around his kid and what his kids mother think?
Big red flag. The fire is on fire. And playing doom music.
Oh my goodness, they are
Oh my goodness, they are collectively steam rolling you. I don't often say this but... RUN!
OMG, seriously? Tell your
OMG, seriously? Tell your partner you are going out with a friend and don't want him OR his son there.
And while you are at it, think about whether you want to be long-term with a guy who gives his child's and his ex's opinion about what you should do on YOUR birthday, more weight than yours.
P.S. This is the type of guy who will want his son to come on your honeymoon so he doesn't feel "left out".
Cringe...
Cringe...
Frick what his ex thinks, i'm
Frick what his ex thinks, i'm pissed at him for even including that as a factor in what you do for your fking birthday.
I know, the kid is bad enough
I know, the kid is bad enough, but the ex getting a vote in what happens for her birthday? Oh hell no.
I think this relationship
I think this relationship would be a hard pass for me. I mean, if you can't even spend your birthday without the kid....
Adults in intact families do stuff without their kids. Celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, have date nights, it's nothing new and you are not out of line for expecting it.
Your partner is welcome to get you a birthday cake when his son is over and he can celebrate your birthday with a piece of cake, but he does not need to accompany you on your day out.
And, seriously, since when does the ex get a say? This is absolutely none of her business.
It is impossible to keep everybody happy, all of the time, so your partner needs to grow up and know when it's time to keep you happy, and when it's time to tell his kid (and the ex), "no".
How does everybody know what your birthday plans are, anyway?
How long have you been with this guy? What is the custody/visitation schedule?
Why are you putting up with
Why are you putting up with his crap?
PS
And why TF does his EX get a say in how you spend your birthday??!!
Drop kick this bugger as far as you can out of your life - he hasn't an effin' clue about how to love and nurture a partner. In fact, he hasn't a clue full stop.
So he, his son and his EX
So he, his son and his EX have more input into your life and your special day than you do?! Wow. Throw this one back and find one thst will value you and care about what YOU want, not just for your birthday but in life in general.
Me, my husband or our kids birthday, if we plan an
Outing or mini getaway, never has any of my skids been invited to go. For starters they have made it a point to treat us as non family members, secondly we do not need our birthday celebrations and happy time ruined by skids crap behavious and non stop rants of bio mum and stepdad.
my husband isn't even apologetic for it and when sd's chuck a sob story that hubby abandoned them., he reminds them that they made repeated choices to treat others badly and shun them and its not rocket science that they burned any bridges of a relationship forming.
I've been with him for 2
I've been with him for 2 years and custody situation is very complicated. The son has lived with my partner since he was 6 months old and the mother has him as and when she wants for however long because the son would rather be with her as she doesn't have any rules, let's him do anything he wants, stay out till whenever and then moans and kicks off at my partner when the son does something wrong by saying he's a sh*t dad, she wishes she never had the son and is an absolute b*tch. She will keep him until the son does something wrong and then will say to my partner that he has to come back to him and that the son isn't allowed back over but once my partner stops paying the maintenance - which isn't a lot but he pays it weekly if she has him for the week - she will message my partner saying that the son can come back and live with her - we both think it's because of the money that she allows him back. The child has no continuity with his mother which is why my partner wants us to involve him but I really don't want him to come on my birthday because the child isn't afraid of causing a scene and will quite happily embarrass us. I've spoke to my partner last night and again, told him how I was feeling and he has asked if the child doesn't come on the day out but he would like us to go to the same place again with the child in the weeks after my birthday so the child can be involved would I be ok with that. Can't say no to that and be a b*tch can I
Yes, you can say no. He's
Yes, you can say no. He's cheapening your relationship. And doing the same thing twice isn't going to make the kid involved. How old is he? Why isn't your bf actually parenting him rather than coddling him? Why isn't there any stability in the kid's life? What does your bf do when the kid throws a hissy fit/tantrum?
Most of all, why are you, who should be the number one priority in his life, having to just put up with all the inconvenience and make all the concessions? How do you see your life in 5 years time?
The kid is 16. My partner
The kid is 16. My partner would rather his son live with him full time because then he could give him boundaries and the normal things a child should have but because his son would rather live with his mum where there are no boundaries, no rules. When the child throws a hissy fit then my partner grounds him, tells him he can't do the nice things but the child just goes to his mum and tells her a load of lies like 'dad doesn't want me, dad says you're a rubbish mum' so she then has a go at my partner saying he's choosing me over him and then has the child back for a few weeks but when the child stays out all night, or takes drugs or steals from her or breaks stuff then she ships him back to my partner and basically says she doesn't want to have to deal with him because she has 2 other children - from her current marriage - she needs to think of. For the last 13/14 years of their lives there has been no one else and now I've come along they are all struggling to factor in this other person - ME! But my issue is, when it is just me and my partner there is nothing that could go wrong but as soon as his son is involved then that's when all the issues start. It wasn't like this for the first 4 months of our relationship as the son was with his mum full time and we only had him on weekends but since last April the son has become more unruly and disrespectful to everyone
So why does he allow him to
So why does he allow him to pin-pong between the two homes? If he goes to his mother's place, that's it, he doesn't get back. End of story. The way you spoke about him, I thought he was about 5-6 years old, not 16! Tantrum throwing is not normal at all at that age. Does he have any special needs? He absolutely does not need to be included in your dates with your bf and he absolutely does not need "make-up outings"! Doesn't he have any friends? How is school? Does he have a job? What does he want to do with his life?
So all the fuss started when you came on the scene, right?
Okay, now I see what's going
Okay, now I see what's going on here. Your partner is trying to make the kid want to live with him, so he doesn't want to upset him in any way. So how on Earth does he think he's going to set "normal limits and boundaries" on him, EVER, if he can't even say that you two are going somewhere alone together? Why does a 16-year-old feel he has to be included in everything his father and stepmother do, anyway?
If I'm not mistaken, in the UK, kids can decide where they live at 16. Your partner is delusional if he thinks that he's going to be able to set boundaries on a kid who has been allowed to go back and forth between homes and can choose legally, now or soon, where he can live.
Tell him he can take his son to where you are going alone in a couple of weeks. But he's giving his son way too much power here, and don't think the son doesn't know it. I get he's afraid of losing his son, but this will not end well if he keeps this up.
Omfg the kid is 16?! And a
Omfg the kid is 16?! And a big deal is being made about him celebrating your birthday? I thought the kid was going to be 8/9 years old. Good Lord.
Seriously. Run. Far. Fast. Never look back. This is always going to be a sideshow of the abnormal. Do not waste your life like this!
Same, I was thinking 6 years
Same, I was thinking 6 years old. A 16 yo would usually prefer to be left home.
The kid is 16.
The kid is 16.
Sixteen! I, too, thought you were talking about a 5-8 year old.
I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. You do know that this will NEVER end, right? Not when he's 18, not when he's 25. You will NEVER be the priority.
Your partner doesn't know how to be a partner OR a parent and he sure doesn't know how to balance the two.
And, yes, you can say no to taking the "child" to the same place you are going for your birthday. You don't have to be around anyone who is disrespectful and disruptive. If your partner wants you to all do things together, he needs to parent his "child" better. Your partner can do whatever with his son, you do not have to go.
Unless it's an all-you-can
Unless it's an all-you-can-eat place or an amusement park, why does the kid even want to go? A normal kid that age would say no thanks.
Give yourself the greatest
Give yourself the greatest birthday gift imaginable and dump this failure, his shallow and polluted gene pool and his X.
Until you do, your own life can never be your own.
Hapoy birthday.
So just a quick update. I
So just a quick update. I have again spoke to my partner and made it very clear that he needs to stop being so soft on his son and needs to effectively man up. I've reassured him that he is a good dad no matter what the son says but he needs to take a big step back and let his son get on with things. He agrees with me and we have decided to either get the son to go back to his mum or we are encouraging him to go into the forces - to teach him some discipline. I told my partner some of the things you have said about the situation and he has sincerely apologised. He has told the son he cannot keep wanting to be involved in our plans - which the son didn't like one bit but in fairness to my partner, he stayed firm and stuck to his guns about us needing to have time alone and he needs to let us - whereas before he would've just backed down and would've just expected me to accept it. I basically gave him an ultimatum and said either we start doing things without your son and your ex steps up and doesn't give him back when things get hard and you stop accepting it and letting it happen or I walk. Hopefully he sticks to what he's said he will and stands by his word
Sounds like a good talk. I
Sounds like a good talk. I hope he follows through.
You also have to stand by your word and walk if he doesn't stick to what he's said he will.
Good for you!
Good for you!
Of course you should be able
Of course you should be able to have a couples day/time! It's actually kind of weird that a 16 year old would want to tag along on every adult outing.
I would tell your SO that you want a decidedly ADULT day doing ADULT things as a couple. And.... even if it means having the celebration land on a day that isn't actually your birthday (because sometimes schedules just don't work out sometimes) so that his son can be at his mom's or if he is capable of staying home alone. (at 16 he should.. but who knows).
His son should have well learned by now that while he is part of the family, families don't do every living thing together all the time. It's ok for him to do something with just DAD.. it's ok for his dad to do something with just you.
And it doesn't even need to be justified by his behavior either..... he could be a perfectly lovely boy and you would still want alone time with your partner! Now, of course his father should be telling him that his behavior does make him less welcome... but the bottom line is that you should be able to have time alone with your SO.