Question regarding Daughter/father from BM
I'm both a stepmom and BM. I have a question regarding my bio daughter "Kate" I hope I can get honest opinions from this group. Kate is 14 and can be mouthy and bratty.
Six months ago Kate had a huge verbal argument with her father and father's GF. It ended with her father calling the police to "scare her" and Kate running out of the house and taking the bus back to my place before the police could get there. Kate after this refused to go back to her father's.
I called my ex to find out what happened. My ex said Kate was swearing/yelling when he Confronted Kate about stealing money. Kate told me she never Stole any money and it was his GF who were yelling/swearing at her. I don't know who is telling the truth as I was not there. Two weeks later my ex emailed me he is moving in with his GF. Per our court agreement he needs to inform me when he moves. Kate saw this and left a nasty VM on my ex's saying "it's Awful that he Chose some Woman over her". My ex did NOT contact Kate but me informing me he no longer wants to see Kate and she's not welcomed back till she can Apologize.
I brought my daughter to a therapist and the therapist strongly recommends therapy for my daughter and her father together as Obviously there are big issues. I told Kate this and she agrees BUT when I told my ex he refused saying he's not doing anything intill Kate Apologizes to him and the GF. Unfortunately Kate will not do this as she hates the GF now and hurt by her father.
Opinions on this? Yes before anyone says this I know it's really none of my business BUT I'm just asking for peoples opinions on this whole situation.
14 year olds are very good at
14 year olds are very good at holding grudges. I have a SD14 that proves it. Your ex needs to grow up too. This might fizzle out after a while, but it might not. As of now they need time to cool off.
Therapy with her dad would be a good idea, but if he won't do it then therapy alone is good too. It sounds like she's got some anger issues and would benefit from learning some ways to express herself better. If her dad is refusing to talk to her then the therapist will be able to help her work through that.
Welcome to the site!
Unless Kate was behaving violently, it seems inappropriate that your exH called the police. Even if she did steal money, you wouldn't involve the police over a family matter unless it was quite serious - eg a very large amount. Your daughter does seem to be in competition with your Ex's new partner - saying he chose her over Kate - which, again, is inappropriate - but then she is only 14 and adolescent girls say ridiculous things sometimes. I would let everyone cool off for a few months and then revisit the situation, in your place.
Tough one. I do appreciate
Tough one. I do appreciate Dad standing up for his relationship and mate. Keep in mind that if there is a CO you could be in contempt for withholding visitation. If your XH were to reverse his stance.
Totally agree
I'm not refusing Visitation. True At first Kate refused to go over but my ex also refused to see her. I have it in writing in a email from him if he ever try's to Deny it. Kate is coming around now still pissed and hates the GF but she did agree to go to therapy with her dad to fix things. My ex is standing his ground and refusing both therapy or to see her outright. I am making sure I email him all my conversations regarding Kate and my offer to drop her off to therapy with her dad so he can't come back and say I'm keeping Kate from him. Honestly I don't see him cooling down as long as his current GF is living with him
In writing, I would just
In writing, I would just inform your ex that if he wishes to exercise his visitation to let you know, other than that you are staying out of their fight.
Remind him that a therapist has recommended that they meet in her office and start working on repairing the damage.
You've done your part, the
You've done your part, the therapist recommends that dad get involved and he's refusing. Therapy would be the place they could talk about all of this and he might get an apology.
All you can do is not encourage Kate to feel like her father is "choosing the GF over her", but rather to recognize that he has a right to move on and date women even if she doesn't like them. And do encourage her to apologize for any part of this that was her fault. Also - don't badmouth her father or put all the blame on him and GF, sounds like she had a part in this that she needs to be honest with herself about.
My kids each did the "trying
My kids each did the "trying to run away from dad's after a fight and come to my house for rescue" thing. Once. I went over there, heard them out, and after deciding there was no abuse or danger, i sent them back and told them to listen to their dad. Now, he wasn't totally blameless and he can be a petty jerk, but being a petty jerk isn't enough to have your kids taken away.
But....now that what's done is done, your ex is wrong for not wanting her to come back without an apology and also for refusing to go to therapy. He is the parent, too. If he thinks her behavior is wrong at his house, it's his responsibility to, well, parent her into an apology. He is shirking his duties by giving up and putting it all on a 14-year-old and also on you.
My opinion is that if you have had joint custody until now and he has no history of violence, abuse, or neglect, you should insist that he step up. Insist he pull his weight and take his custody time, and push for them to have joint therapy. If he won't do it, you can take her to therapy on your time. If the therapy finds that being at her dad's is harming her in any way, or if he refuses to do his part. then you will have to revisit the custody situation in court.
As the parent of teens, i think that letting a teen dictate where they go is a bad path to go down. My SO and his brother are both in neverending custody and drama battles because this has been allowed with theirs, by the BM in one case and by the BD in another. The end result is ungovernable teens for one and a constant court and therapy battle for the other.
Two weeks later my ex emailed
Two weeks later my ex emailed me he is moving in with his GF. Per our court agreement he needs to inform me when he moves. Kate saw this and left a nasty VM on my ex's saying "it's Awful that he Chose some Woman over her".
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How did Kate see private emails between you and DH? What did you do when you found out she left a nasty vm?
Yep, this child is already
Yep, this child is already getting out of control.
Hmmm
Madam, Perhaps it is time for your BD to learn that actions have consequences. If your BD stole money, then proceeded to be verbally abusive to her father and his girlfriend to the point that police were called and then ran away from her father to avoid consequences of her actions and finally involved you in her mess, you as her parent should let her know that none of her behavior is acceptable. Both her parents should come down hard on her to ensure that this nonsense ends now. You admit your BD is mouthy and bratty and her VM to her dad shows the level of disrespect she has for him. An apology is the absolute minimum that should be required at this point in time.
I think I answered all your questions below..,
1. Have you reason to believe that your ex would lie? No I don't think he would lie outright but maybe Exaggerate or leave certain things out that happened. Like maybe BOTH the GF and Kate were yelling. As far as the stealing goes niether Ex or GF saw kate steal money is just missing. Could Kate have stolen it..possibly
2. Have you reason to believe Kate would lie? Yes it's possible
3. Has Kate said why she "hates" the girlfriend? Kate says the GF is bossy and always pulling her dad away to have "secret Conversations" when she's over about kate. I did ask how kate knows it's about her. Kate said she snuck and listened in a few times and the GF was complaining about kate doing or not doing something.
4.How did Kate know about his email to you? kate said she overheard me telling my sister on the phone.
5. How did you address her voicemail? I did not know she called my ex till he sent me a nasty email telling me she did. I then asked her if she did and Kate said yes and I told her not to do it again
6. Is there any history of conflict with Kate and her father? No not till the new GF came into the picture. Like I said before it could be a combination of Kate being a mouthy teenager.
It sounds like Kate has a
It sounds like Kate has a habit of eavesdropping, then getting upset by what she finds out. GF is allowed to be frustrated by a sometimes bratty teenager (or an underparenting father) and express that to her partner. In fact, that would be the correct way to approach it - talk to your ex in private about issues so he can choose how to address the issues.
You also have a right to vent to your sister without Kate listening in. In fact, venting to your sister so you can better approach the situation with less anger/frustration is the better approach.
I'm not blaming Kate for everything. However, the picture you're painting to me is one of a teenager who doesn't respect the privacy of others. Whether the GF started out being the problem and Kate reacted, or Kate was bratty and the GF reacted doesn't matter when it comes to Kate listening in to other's conversations. That is something that you need to address with Kate.
If a teacher called you and
If a teacher called you and complained that Kate stole money and cussed her out, what would your reaction be?
I keep reading this thread
I keep reading this thread and the comments and i keep thinking the same thing. As a parent, you don't just get to quit when things get hard. If this guy wants custody/rights/to be a parent to his daughter, he takes responsibility for his custody time.
So what if he can be a jerk sometimes as long as he is still a fit parent and not abusive or harmful? So what if Kate is a bratty teen (they can all be brats, that's why they need parenting), or the GF is immature? You don't have to be perfect to be a parent. Letting kids decide who they want to stay with based on their teenage emotions and bouncing around after every fight is not good for them. It sends the message that the adults are not capable of handling the situation, that they can't be relied on.
She's 14. That's a volatile and impressionable age. Who is to say that she won't get into a fight with OP or her stepdad in the future, then think she can bounce back to Dad's? It worked before. This dad should not get to just take a vacation from parenting because he's mad or because he has a new GF. Hold his feet to the fire and tell him to grow up and handle his responsibilities or risk losing his joint custody.
In my opinion.
I have to agree with this!
I have to agree with this! Dad and daughter need to figure it out.
Interesting thread. We have
Interesting thread. We have a preponderance of community history with toxic Skids attempting to drive a wedge between the adults in a blended family marriage/relationship.
In this case the BioDad is getting slammed for standing up to a Skid over an affront to his mate and relationship. We also have a Skid and BM/SM who are claiming that the Skid is being unjustly accused.
Who do we believe? Dad's GF or the 14yo Skid?
I do not have the answer. I would hope that the adults are trustworthy and the 14yo is .... well... a 14yo.
I may have slammed the dad,
I may have slammed the dad, but only for refusing his parenting time. A lot of dads fight for joint custody and win. In my case, there is no "custodial" parent. We are both equal in the eyes of the court. If one of us just decided the kid(s) couldn't come anymore, that would be abandonment. The child in this case is a minor. The dad absolutely should stand up for his mate. Punish the child for disrespect. Take away her phone, ground her, whatever it takes to get her to behave respectfully. But you can't just abandon your minor child because they hurt your feelings.
I completely agree.
Great solution stance.
Thank you for that.
I'd like to offer a different
I'd like to offer a different perspective
Parents minimize their kids faults so... If the parent of a child admits to their kid being moody or bratty, the kid is probably a massive a**hole
There is a chance Kate was treading on this ice for awhile, maybe the stolen money was just the straw that broke the camal's back. No Dad is going to call the cops on his daughter unless there's been a build up and esclating behavior. It took an outsider (the gf) to see that, step in and demand change. After all, she has to deal with her too. Maybe she just shed some light on the reality of the situation, the dad realized it and felt he needed to take a stance.
Let's not idealize a kid who's own mom admits she's a moody brat...we all know what that means
Makes perfect sense to me
What great perspective you have.
I will make every effort to adopt this depth of consideration.
Thanks for that.
Wow never thought I would get all this advice….
Thank you. I'll try and clear up a few things...I never ment to sound like I thought Kate was innocent and the GF was totally at fault.
According to Kate's Therapist what is done is done. It's more important to find out why kate did the things she did and punishment will come after if kate is to blame. The bigger issue is to find out WHY it happened that lead up to this huge blowout and it will probably only happen with the help of the therapist. BUT both Kate and my ex need to be there not just Kate. The therapist thinks if Kate and my ex could just meet with her she could help them repair the relationship but my ex won't even try
My ex husband has joint legal custody but has told me unless kate Apologizes and promises to respect the GF he no longer wants joint custody. To me that just seems extreme without even trying therapy first.