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I need advice!

User1074's picture

My husband works away for weeks at a time, an average of 6 weeks at a time. Should I have to take my stepchild while he's away?

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hereiam's picture

Nope.

caninelover's picture

Where is BM?

User1074's picture

My husband has every other weekend visitation, so we continue that rotation while he's away.

This is a fairly new job... about 6 months now.... and I am struggling while he is away.

My husband and I have 2 other children, similar in age to SD.

Kes's picture

Categorically no.  You have absolutely no duty to take care of your step child.  Visitation is for the benefit of the relationship between the child and their biological parent.  If your husband is away, his child should not come. 

User1074's picture

I have brought it up a few times the past few months (since his new job started) that I don't feel I should take her while he's away. It had been a fight each time because "she needs to spend time with family." 

Which makes me feel like the evil stepmother for even bringing it up.

hereiam's picture

Stop just bringing it up and tell him that if he is not home for his visitation, he forfeits. You will not be taking her, end of discussion.

"she needs to spend time with family."

Exactly. Visitation is for his daughter to spend time with HIM, so if he is not home, she should be with her mother.

You are not evil for not wanting to take responsibility for a child that is not your responsibility.

This should have never been the go to solution. He took a job that does not allow him to exercise his visitation, that is on him.

Did he even ask you, to begin with? Or, did he just assume that you should do it? What would he do if you were not in the picture?

 

User1074's picture

I've been in her life since she was born so it's always been an assumed responsibility.

He sees it as I took on his baggage when I married him. Which, I did but I didn't agree to parent a child who isn't mine on my own either.

When he's home, I have no issue with her being here because he is here to be her parent.

I DO NOT like having to be the parent when the actual parent is not around. I feel like I walk on eggshells with BM and it shouldn't even be my role with her.

I mainly communicate with BM, even when he is home. I take her child to school and pick her up. I don't feel like I should have to assume responsibility for weekends that dad isn't even home for. But then I feel guilty when I don't. 

hereiam's picture

She's still not your responsibility.

Guilt is a mostly useless emotion (although hard to ignore). If you don't feel like you should have to assume the responsibility for her on weekends that your husband is not home, then don't do it. There is nothing to feel guilty about, you didn't kill anybody and are not doing anything illegal or immoral. Your husband and BM may not be happy about it but that is THEIR problem.

Yes, we take on a certain amount of baggage when we are in a relationship with someone but, not their responsibilities.

When he's home, I have no issue with her being here because he is here to be her parent.

And that's just it, that is our point. If he is not there to parent, she needs to be with her other parent. Not you.

Would he have taken the job if you were not in the picture or you had put your foot down from the start?

hereiam's picture

Then what would he have done with his daughter on those weekends?

Does he not care that you are struggling, trying to parent HIS kid when he's gone, and she doesn't even listen to you?

User1074's picture

I guess BM would have her and they would figure out a different schedule.

And I guess he doesn't care how it makes me feel, seeing it's just an argument when I do bring it up.

I struggle with my own mental stability (bipolar and depression) and I told him it was becoming a strain on me mentally. Which was when the "she needs to spend time with family" comment came about.

hereiam's picture

And what about what you need? Guess it doesn't matter. Nice.

It's not in his daughter's best interest to be with a non-bio parent who is struggling with depression.

ImFreeAtLast's picture

"He doesn't care how I feel." There, you have it. He cares more about Bm and himself than you, his wife.

Cover1W's picture

No. My DH would love this to happen when he's away (not now due to Covid) but no. I put my foot down and oh boy there were arguments! I did not back down in spite of allllll the guilt trips tried, but she's a good kid, she likes you, my therapist is surprised you won't, she's not difficult, etc. Yeah DH but you're asking me to be the responsible one still, I'll still have to take care of her etc. Not my kid.

The only thing I agreed to was two nights, and one of those plus a day she'd be at a friend's house.

He's never tried it again.

Besides if I'm told clearly I'm not a parent, don't expect me to suddenly start parenting because it's convenient for you.

User1074's picture

I feel like a terrible person for saying I don't want to take her but I have 2 other children. They're all under 7 years old. 

BM household is completely different from mine and SD does not listen to me. She acts like she's dying when I put her in timeout. I already don't like having to punish her,, especially when her dad isn't home..

She's her mom's only child, so I understand it's hard for SD bouncing between the 2 homes.

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Why the hell do you feel terrible? The skid has visitation with her father. NOT YOUM. IF he was still single she wouldn't be at his place. You are not her nanny. You have no legal responsibility for the skid. Wake up.

ImFreeAtLast's picture

You're not her mother. You are not responsible for how her parents treat her. You're not "rejecting" her. She needs to be with her mother if her father is away. Period. End of.

Your husband is using yoi. That is unacceptable.

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Because you are still in the rose-colored glasses phase. I pray you will achieve clarity soon. If your husband went and dumped his daughter on some other people without consent and without compensation would you consider that using?

ImFreeAtLast's picture

No!

SteppedOut's picture

In the event you need one more - this is not your responsibility.

Your husband is manipulating you and using you.

SteppedOut's picture

You do not think you should have to keep sd...yet here you are feeling soooo guilty about not taking her. Why? Because of the things he has said. And if you have told him you don't want to keep her - Why are you still keeping her? Because he is being dismissive? Because he is talking you into thinking you are wrong?

He is manipulating you. 

Winterglow's picture

He is manipulating you because he's taking his wishes and dreams, making them reality and then bullying you into believing them. He wants you to love his daughter like your own? Do you realize how impossible that is? Can you love the neighbour's daughter like your own? 

He says his kid should be "with family" - but you're not family, her mother is. Why would he take her away from her mother? 

He has you feeling guilty for things that you shouldn't feel guilty about. 

From a legal point of view, have you considered what would happen if there was an accident (and they DO happen) or if she got sick while she was with you? You have no legal rights over her - you can't even take her to the doctor ... 

Finally, and I do not mean to cause pain or insult, I just want to be brutally honest, please stop comforting yourself by saying you're a people pleaser. That is a cop out. You are giving yourself a reason to continue to do as he wants because, by saying you're a people pleaser, you are saying you can't help it. Look at it from the other side. The other word for a "people pleaser" is "doormat". There now, not so easy to live with that, is it? Ask yourself why you are willing to run your life for you without your input. Time to start taking your life back.Start by telling him that if he wants his daughter to spend time with family, he should change his job and spend more time home. You are not a substitute for him, you are merely his wife.

ndc's picture

If your DH was concerned about "spending time with family, " he shouldn't have taken a job that has him away from his for 6 weeks at a time.  How often do these weeks-long out of town trips occur? If it was once a year, so that maybe you were dealing with 3 solo weekends with SD, I might consider it to keep the peace, even though you have absolutely no responsibility to take her in his absence and should NOT feel guilty if you don't. Any more than that and I find his request that you take her against your wishes to be unreasonable.

One thing I'll add - I have DD1.5 and SDs 6 and 8. My DD adores her sisters and loves when they're in our home. If my DH was away, I would consider having the SDs come anyway to "spend time with family," but it would be for DD, not for DH or the SDs.

 

 

hereiam's picture

He is manipulating, and using you, to an extent.

Him making you feel bad, saying that "she need to be with family", is manipulation; he is counting on your guilt.

He is using you to care for his child, when he is not even there, so he doesn't have to come up with an alternate solution. Does he really think it's in his daughter's best interest or does he just not want to tell BM that he can't take her on the weekends he works? Personally, I think it's in a child's best interest to be with a parent (unless parent is unfit), than a step parent. Especially when they have not been taught to respect the adults in their lives.

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Because she is not your own. You have a husband problem. It's fine for you to be kind to the skid when your husband is home and she is visiting him. Stop communicating with BM. That is your husband's job.

User1074's picture

I've always been a people pleaser and put everyone else before myself. Even in events like these where it's mentally draining, I still push myself through to do it. I have too big of a heart. But I'm becoming resentful.

hereiam's picture

You are no good to your own kids (or your husband/marriage) if you don't take care of your own mental health.

Your husband should really care more about what you are going through.

I loved my SD when she was young, it still was not my responsibility to take care of her, and my DH never expected me to.

tog redux's picture

Ugh, no! Perhaps you can agree to have her over for an afternoon every couple of weeks, or whatever works for you, so she can see the other kids in your home, but no, it's not your job to take her when he's gone.  And honestly, he's a jerk for insisting on it.

ntm's picture

He's using guilt trips to coerce you into being his free babysitter. 

She's not your child. You're not her momma. You're not responsible for having to parent her. She has two parents - her bio father and her bio mother. Your relationship with her should never have to require giving her consequences.

Just say no. If he's not there, she's not there. She's not going to feel rejected unless an adult tells her she should feel rejected. I hope her parents are grown up enough not to do that. 

I was in your shoes when my DH decided to exercise his right to two weeks uninterrupted during the summer, but opted to work through them. I was working too, but I was working from home (since long before it became a thing) and he thought his little angels wouldn't be any problem for me. Um, WRONG. 

I put my foot down and said never again, and in addition if he left the house during visitation even to run to Home Depot to buy a nail, they were to go with. 

Because I am Not The Momma. 

MountainMom's picture

Not if you don't want to. In our situation, I have kept ss but I like him haha. If you don't want to, send yours back to bm. Dh can get over it or get a new job 

ESMOD's picture

Many CO's will even have a ROFR which would mean that if he can't be there during visitation, his EX can claim that time as hers with the child.

While I am guessing part of the "visiting family" also relates to her half siblings... the primary factor here is that HE is not able to be there as her parent and he is missing that time with his child.

What should happen is that due to his new schedule, he should work out a different custody arrangement with his EX.  Maybe that  means the child is there "every weekend" (I'm assuming he gets EOWE?).  that he is not working the 6 weeks.. and none of the weekends that are his scheduled work weeks get assigned to him as custody weekends.

I don't think it would be as big of a deal if it were just the occasional day or so during his visitation that work or some other obligation pulled him away.. but it shouldn't be a regular and long term situation.

When his job schedule changed so drastically.. He needed to look into adjusting custody time so that he didn't lose all that time with his child.

I might turn the guilt back on him and ask why he doesn't want to have time with his child.. because by refusing to change the schedule so that more time falls on his "home" time.. that is what he is doing.. shirking his parental responsibility.. off onto you.