Autistic step kid ruining relationship
I've been with my boyfriend almost 4 years and he has 2 children from a previous relationship. He has a 6 year old son that I adore. He can be a handful at times but a great kid overall. His other son though is 13 and has autism, bi-polar disorder, adhd, and probably a few other undiagnosed disorders. I can't stand to be around him. He's rude and loud and won't do anything except watch TV. The 6 year old has more responsibilities than the 13 year old. The 13 year old also talks down to people like they're stupid and he's the smartest person in the world then almost fails all of his middle school classes. He hated any attention taken away from him and is very clearly annoyed when his brother gets any attention. I'll be doing a activity with the younger one and the older one cannot stand to not have attention on him for 2 seconds and will butt in. He doesn't have any friends because he's so mean and rude to people. The other day I asked him to put the dishes away and he started crying because he was so overwhelmed with all the things he needed to do. It's summer break and he literally doesn't have any assigned chores. He also will butt in on every single conversation. He could be upstairs and hear you talking and will yell from the other room asking what we're talking about. There's also no privacy because he'll walk into any room (even when the door is closed) whenever the decides he needs to tell you he's hungry and needs you to make him food. I was in the middle of a work call with the door closed (prior to going into the call told him I will be busy for the next 45 min) and he barges in and asks if I could make him lunch. One - you're 13, make your own god damn lunch and two- wait 30 damn minutes when you can hear me on the phone. He fails at everything- school, any sport we try to put him in, any friendships. But then he talks like he's gods gift to us all. And he just cries at everything. He's a 13 year old boy and it's just embarrassing. Stubs his toe- cries out in public. Won't stop at McDonald's to get him ice cream -cries. Tell him to stop interrupting- cries. Doesn't want to stop his show and go to the grocery store -cries. Then you have to tell him to do something 5,000 times before he'll do it. Had to tell him to put his laundry away 10 times (each time he says "I know") before he finally did it with me watching over his shoulder.
My boyfriend and I are both at our wits end with him. It almost makes it harder having a great kid we can't help but compare him with. He's my boyfriend's kid so he still loves him in a way that a parent does, but I just don't. I don't even like him. Plus I think my boyfriend feels guilty that he's in a way responsible for his disability so he overcompensates. Buys him whatever he wants, won't scold him as much as he should, and makes excuses for his behavior or blames other people for not understanding. He's just so rude and mean to me (and his dad) when we spend hours taking him to his million doctors appointments, helping with homework (which essentially means doing it for him), dealing with school problems, getting called constantly from the principle because he interrupted class, making lunches, cleaning up after him, listen to him complain about everything (including us), all while working full time.
Then don't even get me started on his BM. Let's just say he gets a lot of his problems and attitude from her. And he tries to manipulate both sides to get what he wants. His dad will fall for it sometimes but I don't. He just doesn't seem to have a single redeeming feature and I know my boyfriend struggles to hear me say I don't like him. But it's the truth and I feel like I need to be honest about it. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I have a hard time just being around the older kid. It hurts me to see how the 6 year old gets pushed to the side sometimes just because he's the easier kid. I love my boyfriend and his one son so much, I just don't know if I can live with the older one. Tell me I'm not a bad person for hating someone with autism. But is autism an excuse to completely mistreat people and totally fail at life? I've been thinking more and more about leaving my otherwise almost perfect relationship for about a year now. Things only seem to be getting worse with the older kid and I don't even want to be around the house when he's here now. It gets more and more difficult to hide my disdain and disappointment in him. I don't feel like myself. I'm snappy and irritable when he's aroind and I don't know what to do anymore. Please help!
I don't think this
I don't think this relationship is worthwhile. I'm still in StepHell by proxy and its terrible.
I would say that if he’s in
I would say that if he’s in mainstream school then he is able to a large extent to follow instructions and behave in a socially acceptable manner.
If he’s in a special education school then i’m afraid different tactics are needed.
Don’t feel guilty about doing what is best for you, as a child with those needs should at least have a minimal ‘care plan’ in place with a few professionals and the parents (therefore not your problem as such).
Take regular breaks throughout the day.
Think what you want for your future.
Have a discussion with your partner if you are unsure of the needs of this child, so you don’t waste your life on possible ifs, buts & maybes.
Have you read a school report which should confirm his needs for example.
You’d think he could follow basic directions
He is in mainstream school with an IEP, but I feel like he should be in a specialized program. His poor teachers shouldn't have to deal with this behavior and take away from the other kids. My bf has considered it, but the kids BM won't allow it for whatever reason (more involvement from her idk). He already sees 2 doctors regularly for all his meds and weekly with a psychologist. It doesn't seem to be doing much. Or if it is helping- I can't even imagine what things could be like.
My BF and I discuss his child constantly. He is typically very understanding of my frustrations but at the end of the day he still says he's my kid and if you can't deal with it then this relationship isn't for you. It's just an awful thing to hear knowing he has no choice but to choose this terribly selfish and self-centered child over me but it is what it is I suppose.
One task at a time with hairy
One task at a time with hairy eyeball oversight for as long as he takes to get it done and done correctly.
When he cries, let him cry but crying does not get him out of the task at hand. The more he cries, the more pressure is applied to complete the task. Once that task is complete then you address the crying. "Since you wasted 5 minutes on crying you will now do 5 more things. Every minute you waste crying you will have another task to complete. First, clean all of the toilets. Start now"
And.... get rid of the TV. Or at least lock it up when he is present.
I wish this worked
The TV is one of the few things that makes him tolerable though. We've tried taking away all electronics, but then he's won't even give you a second to breath between his constant talking.
As for the extra chores- when he has "too many things" he claims to get overwhelmed and makes self-harm and suicidal comments. I personally think they're another manipulation tactic but I don't want to be the one to push to hard and something happen.
I just feel like there's no winning with this kid.
Keep it to one thing. Once
Keep it to one thing. Once that is done, move him on to the next...... I agree that these are manipulation tactics. Giving in is just enabling and facilitating his manipulative crap IMHO. If he is overwhelmed by choices, give him one thing and no choice but to complete it. Lather................. rinse..................... repeat.
Isolating him to his room for everyone else to have some peace should be considered. I get that he has issues, however, his issues cannot and should not be allowed to dominate everyone else in the home's existence. The home is not only his to consume along with everyone in it. He does not trump everyone else. If he does, it is time for an immediate and aggressive change to that crap.
When he threatens self harm or to commit suicide, have him hauled off in a straight jacket for a psych hospital observation period.
Since there is no winning with this kid, quit playing his game by his rules. You make the game, you establish the rules, you enforce the rules, and he has no choice but to comply. PERIOD!
Keep it simple.
Though in no way special needs, my Skid was paralyzed by multiple task directives. So... we stopped giving him multiple task directives. He was directed to complete one task, show us when it was done, then we gave him the next one. No more excuses for partially completing a number of items on a list. One task, he does it until it is completed to the standards that you stipulate, then he is given the next task. It worked wonders for us in parenting SS. After that shift we never again heard the words "But I did some of the stuff!"
When he was executing a task, we would turn off the TV when he transited the room to avoid the drooling screen zombie coma that he would drop into any time a screen was on near him. It drove him insane... but with TiVo we could just pause and restart were we turned off the TV as soon as he left the room, which he had no choice but to do since he was far more often than not under the hairy eyeball during that stage.
We found that focusing on behaviors and applying zero tolerance for any behaviors that deviated from our standards and expectations simplified things nicely and minimized drama nearly instantly and consistently. Do not look at this problem as "cant win with this kid" and look at it as discrete behavioral modifications to minimize this kids negative impacts on everyone else in the home
IMHO of course. Good luck.
I can relate
I made and account just to respond to this!! So a lot of what you posted I am going through something similar. So SS does have an official diagnosis. From the first paragraph to I don't feel the same love for him is everything I am dealing with too. I had to take video to prove to SO that these things are happening. The only thing he doesn't do is follow me through a closed door he just stand outside and won't stop talking till I respond. I can't even go to the restroom in peace. I have told him several times you are too old to act this way. Honestly I don't have any advice. SO and I have 2 kids together who are extremely different from SS. They have chores respect boundaries and don't throw tantrums.
How can our BS6 year old not throw a tantrum but a SS13 year old does when he has chores? I will never understand this. I can't stand to be around SS13 either. I am becoming resentful of the situation. The only thing that makes him tolerable is letting him use his electronics in his room all day. I can't wait till they go back to in person school. I really think this will make things better. For all parties involved.
Run
Get out now. I am in a similar situation and have tried to wait it out in hopes SD would outgrow her behavior, and now I've spent the last 8 years miserable when she is around. I dread her visits, and we have 50/50 custody, so it's half of my life I'm dreading. And this spills into my other kids. I love my husband but I wish I had left when I first realized I cannot stand his daughter. My advice is to leave!
Heavily consider if this relationship is worth it
First I applaud you for being honest with yourself in terms of your dislike for your boyfriends autistic son. I have an autistic step daughter that's 23 of which I've been in her life for 6 years and I can tell you it doesn't get any better as they age unless there are boundaries and consequences attached to their behaviour. She does many of the things that you describe above and for those reasons I too struggle with liking her. Unfortunately in today's society it is much easier to make excuses for individuals with this diagnosis for their behaviour and lack of contribution to being a functioning member of society (aka - laziness) than to find ways to remedy. What I've found in my situation and you may encounter the same, is that she plays one parent against the other when asked to do things that she doesn't want to do, especially if you're the one giving the directive, leaving you in the middle and the bad person. This enables her to just cruise along with no responsbilities nor as stated above consequences for her inappropriate actions.
My advice to you is think long and hard before making a permanent commitment. Unfortunately, I didn't do that and made the commitment of marriage. Would I have taken a different path, I'm not sure, but my hope is to provide some insight to anyone else that's faced with this type of home life as to what they're up against. I can tell you that you must be very emotionally strong and confident in yourself or else your boyfriends son will damage your self esteem.
Already there
It's already damaged my self-esteem significantly. He's just a mean person. The hard part is letting two other people I love and care about deeply have to deal with it on their own. My bf and his younger son are wonderful people who don't deserve to be treated like they are by the awful older kid. Makes me sad to think they don't have the ability to leave. And why should my bf have to give up a relationship and why should his younger son have to give up having an actual mom for someone they can't just get rid of.
I feel you - I have an 11 yr
I feel you - I have an 11 yr old step son who has similar issues though it sounds like not as severe. Working with a behaviour consultant to get proper home systems set up and going in order to get the child to be accountable I have found is key. Earning TV time after doing dialy living tasks or a few simple chores such as packing lunch or clothes in hamper.
I honestly would get someone on board to help with that and after some time then evaluate if the relationship is still worth it or not.