Abusive SD
Hello everyone. I've been searching for resources/advice and found this site. I'm sure my issues with my SD and husband's family isn't unique but they are driving me to the brink of sanity.
My husband had an adult daughter when we got married. I was his third wife after a short lived teenage marriage, arranged when his gf got pregnant, and his second marriage, which fell apart after 23 years. "Steve" was my first husband and best friend; he was 11 years my senior and we were married for 14 very good years. We didn't have children as I wasn't able to.
My SD inherited some challenging, toxic traits from her mother and some via osmosis from her first step-mother, some of which have been on full display since she was a little girl and have not improved with time. Steve worked hard to have as good a relationship with her as possible, even as he became the one solely responsible for the breakdown of both marriages prior to ours. She and I always had a distant but cordial relationship; if not for our mutual connection though, we wouldn't have ever been friends.
In 2015, Steve was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic cancer. After brain surgery and two-plus years of chemo and radiation treatments, I lost him three days after going in for a routine maintenance chemo treatment. We went from the infusion center at 8AM to the ER at 9AM to admitting him to the hospital at noon to a hospice wing less than 9 hours later. His sytem simply shut down and I had to make the decision to take him off life support when it became clear a recovery wouldn't be possible. For a multitude of reasons, she was not with her father when he died. After a visitation with family and friends that lived near us, I flew him to his birthplace, where his family lived, for the funeral and burial.
There was a short-lived calm after the storm of his final days, and then a new nightmare began that continues to this day. His family became distant until they simply disappeared. His daughter, too, became distant, then combative, then threatning until it moved into the current abusive stage. Everything I have ever done was wrong, from us not living near her, to Christmas parties to birthday presents to how much time he spent with his grandchildren, or didn't, to the funeral arrangements I didn't even make to my not giving her and the family everything that was his now that he's gone.
I believe grief to be the driving force in all this. Regrets their relationship wasn't better. Mourning what they didn't have and missing the relationshop she and her children now won't have. In the beginning I listened to the list of his sins, and mine, without interruption. Later, I tried to help her through her grief while drowning in mine. I tried gently correcting things she was saying that were wrong, with it all falling on deaf ears. Her anger grew exponentinally over time to the point after an excoriating phone call I sat on our bed one afternoon, wrote out a short will with a pistol beside my leg, prayed for forgiveness for what I was about to do, then tried for hours to work up the courage to put the barrel to my head and make everything go away. I failed.
A year later, after talking to a couple of our friends, I realized this was a battle I wasn't equipped to fight, nor one was I interested in. I could still barely think his name and breathe, let alone muster a fight with whatever demons she was succumbing to. I did my best to give it to God and gradually started shutting her out. Phone calls? Muted her number. Social media? Blocked. Filtered her emails out of my inbox and eventually blocked that completely. I thought time and distance would help but the opposite has happened. Instead of healing, it's made her angrier and much, much more combative.
Since I no longer engage, she's since started connectinng with and is emailing my family, our friends, and friends I've made since Steve died, many she has never met and has no relationship with, to tell them what a horrible person I am. What was mild; accusations I'm keeping family heirlooms from her (furniture, photo's, his watch, tools, etc), has turned into her telling people he didn't die of cancer, but murder. I outright killed her father by denying him treatment and care, of all kinds. She recently started messaging me through a new email address saying she's never going to stop, that I'll never have any peace, and that she will forever tell people I killed her father, etc. Like all the others over the past few years, I didn't respond.
A year ago, my parents sold their home and moved to escape the midwest winters and I did the same to get a fresh start. A few days ago a friend called to say she got a message from my SD. Oh joy, another tirade. Yesterday I received an email from my SD going through her same routine, with a twist. Her tone was much more hateful and at the bottom of the email she had my new address, which very few people have, and made a very veiled threat. I'm at my wits end, again, and now I'm afraid she might show up unannounced. I don't think she would get violent, but if someone asked me to bet money against it, I wouldn't.
I'm sorry for the long post. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, other than the impossible; a way to deal with a SD who is consumed by grief and rage.
Two words: restraining order!
Two words: restraining order! Call the police and report her threats. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Thank you. That's very kind.
Thank you. That's very kind. I hate the situation has come to the point of involving the police or courts but I've realized I'm afraid of her showing up here or next door at my elderly parents.
Everybody hates it
Everybody hates when they are in a situation that requires law enforcement help. I was mortified when I charged my ex with assault after an altercation following the kidnapping of my son. If nothing else, it's embarrassing and humbling. We all like to believe we live kind, rational lives where such things as a deranged relation threatening us could ever happen. But, there we are. It's ok, we are all human and subject to the many things that happen on the roller coaster of life.
Bless your heart. I know that
Bless your heart. I know that had to be traumatic, on both counts. Life can be very messy sometimes. I thought I understood that as a young woman but oh, how little I knew.
How did she contact friends
How did she contact friends that you've made after your husband died?
For sure, get a restraining order and block her from everything having to do with your life.
Someone threatens me, I would threaten them right back. Don't let her intimidate you. You are going to have to give her a taste of her own medicine, don't be the victim. Sue her for harassment or anything else that you can.
From what I can tell, she
From what I can tell, she went through my personal and professional SM accounts with a fake account(s) and account(s) belonging to her husband and contacted people at random I was connected to or intereacted with. I had her personal account blocked but didn't think to make the entire account(s) private. That I needed to go further didn't enter my mind.
Go to the police with your evidence
Get a restraining order immediately.
I am so sorry for your loss. You should be able to grieve without all this. Please write back and let us know when you have your restraining order, we are going to worry about you.
Thank you very much. Grief
Thank you very much. Grief is an awful thing to navigate on a good day, let alone...
Contact an attorney
Contact an attorney. You need a restraining order and possibly will need to go after her for harassment. Find an attorney who has experience in this area. In the meantime, tell all of your friends and family to block her and quit communicating with her in any manner. It is pretty clear that someone in your circle is feeding her information about you.
Start treating her like you would if a stranger was doing this. She is not family, she has no reason to contact you and you have done nothing to warrant this behavior on her part. Block her anyway you can and do not communicate with her at all.
Get an alarm system and start using basic safety precautions. Keep your doors and windows locked, make sure you have good outside lighting - things like that.
Thank you. My experience
Thank you. My experience with attorneys has been limited to one encounter after we were hit by a reckless driver many years ago. What kind of attorney would handle something like this? Is this a family law issue?
I do have her blocked from everything I can think of. I've made as many accounts private as I can. I even went so far as to make new Facebook and Instagram accounts (the two I used most often) even though this has made me wary of using them at all anymore, and brokenhearted at the years of lost interactions. There are hundreds of family members between both families and years of accumulated friends she has or had access to, not including hundreds of proessional connections who have been drug into the middle of this. I'm mortified to the point of being paralyzed at the thought of having to explain this several hundred times, especially to peripheral connections (church, professional org's, etc). I understand that part is irrelevant, but it's still eating at me.
Her actions are bordering on criminal.
Her actions are bordering on criminal, and she is essentially accusing you of a criminal action. I would contact a lawyer who does criminal law. She is harrassing you, and that can be criminal. In addition to a restraining order, a strongly worded letter from a lawyer may be helpful.
This is not a family law issue. You have no legal relationship to this woman. Even when your husband was alive, you had no legal relationship with her.
She crossed the line to
She crossed the line to criminality when she started slandering OP and accused her of MURDER.
OP, I understand that you want to avoid police involvement, but it is the only way to get peace.
Even if I gave the
Even if I gave the relationship more regard than that, you're right. There isn't a legal connection.
Yes get a restraining order.
Yes get a restraining order.
Where I live you can go down to the court house, fill out the forms and get a hearing the same day. It's like $50. It will stop all contact immediately and at a later date (a few weeks) you will get a chance to argue for a long term restraining order in front of the court. Best part is if she doesn't show up to protest it at the hearing it will be granted to you without reservation. Likely the laws are somewhat similar where you live. Do a quick google search to find out and then get going. Just share with the court what you told us here. Be clear and to the point about how scared you are and how traumatized. You can do it! Hugs!
Oh? I had no idea that was
Oh? I had no idea that was possible. Thank you. I wonder if that will that work if we aren't in the same state. When he retired we talked about moving to be closer to them. Goodness am I glad that didn't come to pass.
I mostly know because we had
I mostly know because we had to get one against BM. We didn't have a lawyer but an employee at the courthouse gave us directions on how to fill out the form. It's not as nerve racking as I was afraid it would be. In our state they issue an emergency order first that lasts 2-3 weeks until a hearing meanwhile the offending party is served. At the hearing both parties get to plead their case to the judge. Because you can show continuous harassment it really should not be too difficult to get an order. It's only civil court so you just have to show with a modest amount of evidence that you have been harassed and it will likely continue without the courts help. Take any emails, messages or such that you still have and if you have a friend or family member who can go and testify that they have witnessed this behavior you will probably get the order without much trouble. Our restraining order is good in all states but it's for domestic violence. You'd have to look up if regular restraining orders are valid across statelines. Another idea would be having a lawyer send her something like a cease and desist letter stating she will face legal action if she contacts you again. I would try a Family lawyer as they will likely have experience with harassment like this. Some will do consultations for free of just a small fee.
Time to beat her into submission with the law.
First, an RO or PO, then have your attorney send her a cease and desist order followed by filing a defamation law suit, the more she spouts, the more expensive you will have to make it for her until she crawls back under her rock, finishes her grieving, and grows up. I would also recommend that you take your response to her actions to criminal court by working with the police to file harassment charges complete with demands for compensation for pain, suffering, and emotional duress. Or better yet, have your attorney do all of it for you so you can remain distanced from her crap. Make sure to preserve all of her communication and give it to your attorney.
She has no place in your life or in the dear memories of your marriage and relationship with your DH. Note, I did not call him her father. For you, he is not her father IMHO. No decent person should have to be saddled with the nasty bitch that she is as their progeny, departed or not.
Grief is not about punishing or causing pain to anyone. She is not only grieving, she is an evil nasty individual.
Good riddance to driving her into your past with every tool at your disposal.
As for your claimed failure... you did not fail. You triumphed. As your DH would no doubt want and expect you to.
Living well is what our loved ones want for us once they are gone. Living well also happens to be the best revenge. So, live your best life and live your revenge. Let your lawyer pummel SD into your past and let your lawyer keep her there where she belongs. Every time she checks her mail or sees a stranger approaching her she should tremble with the fear that she is about to be smacked with another legal action. Keep that up until she stops. And when she crawls out from under her rock to start it all again, smack her with legal action immediately.
Often it takes a lather........... rinse............... repeat strategy with these evil sick people.
My condolences on the loss of your DH.
Live well and prosper Kat.
Agree with Rags
Do all you can legally and document everything you can with as much detail as possible. Hire that attorney pronto! File that temp restraining order pronto! They are EASY to get the temp ones. Emergency ones.
Im sorry for your loss and Im sorry you are having to deal with this.
Keep us posted!
It's definitely time to
It's definitely time to gather all your evidence, contact law enforcement and file a harassment complaint. After that file for a restraining order
It's time to put any feelings of guilt you may have aside and accept that SD is the one making these choices. She knows what she is doing is wrong and she is intentionally trying to hurt you.
I went through my email,
I went through my email, messages on social media, text messages, and voice mails and put together a folder of "love letters" from SD including a dozen or so messages she's sent other people. Now to find someone who thinks they can do something with all this.
Good evening. A little
Good evening. A little update. I started searching online for an local attorney this past weekend and have made initial contacts to a few who might be able to help. In the search I came across a legal referral site or sorts that, for a small fee, would connect me with an attorney who would call or text and answer general questions.
I signed up and spoke with an attorney not terribly far from me, but unfortunately the call was discouraging. He was adamant that no judge would grant a protective order becuse SD and I live in different states. He said I could ask the court for help, but even if I somehow got lucky and saw a judge who was sympathetic and granted a protective order, it would have "no effect of law". The history of threats, including the most recent one with my new address wouldn't make any difference. Any protective order would be unenforceable unless she was IN state and I could prove it.
Different states have different laws and residents of one state aren't subject to the laws of another. Part of me says that makes sense, but the larger part says that can't be right. There can't be a gaping hole in the law wide enough for someone to make threats without any reprecussion or offer even the slighest help to the one on the receiving end.
One of the attornies I left a message for and I missed each other twice today. The other two haven't returned my call yet. I'm going to hold out some hope their take on the situation is different from the referral-site attorney.
I do not buy the advice that
I do not buy the advice that the laws of one state are not enforceable in another. Arrest warrants prove that wrong. If a warrant is issued in one state, they can arrest you for it in any state that they find you in.
Our CO was in my DW's home state for the entire 16+ years we lived under it, we ended up with an attorney in the State we moved to who engaged in legal action in my DW's home state.
You can also get an attorney in the State where SD lives and take court action there with the RO/PO, defamation suit, harassment suit. We had a lawyer in our state who ended up being much more effective in driving results in SpermLand than did our attorney in SpermLand.
Sounds odd. I'd be very
Sounds odd. I'd be very surprised that you can do nothing to protect yourself. Take your folder down to your local police station and ask them what you can do to stop the harassment.
Agree with Winterglow!
Take yourself and your evidence to your local police station. They can/will file a case for you and advise what actions are available based on your evidence. You are also creating a very important relationship. Because you have been threatened- they can keep an eye out on your home, drive by every so often and you can alert them if SD is seen in your town. Do not take this lightly. You will begin to feel impowered when you leave the police station after filing your report - in fact - take a selfie in front of the station to remind you - you are Brave!
Then sign up for a Concealed Carry Class - the beginning requirement of your CC Permit. Take classes one on one with an Instructor and go from there. There is a wonderful world of women who are bad ass b**ches camouflaged as ladies just like yourself. Protect yourself and choose to never be a victim!!