Need Advice on Best Approach
I have been happily remarried for four years now. I have two adult SDs. The younger of the two is 34 and lives out of state. She is a warm friendly down to earth all around great person whom I have a great relationship with. She has a lot of her wonderful father in her. The older SD is 36 married mother of a 4 year old daughter homeowner, etc etc. The older SD has a very phony and put on personality. She has convinced many that she is a great person with that "sweet" personality while she actually is a nasty and hostile person under the facade. In recent months my relationship with the older SD has shifted. Over the years I began to notice that she and her husband are takers...they both take take take and give nothing back. She never shows up with a gift for any occassion for anybody and often makes phony excuses for not coming to events where she needs to produce a gift. My husband and I have never been invited to her home for dinner ever but she and her husabnd somehow manage to take vacations with her husband's parents and make the time for them. My husband and I are treated like second bananas by both my SD and her arrogant husband. I have started to believe that the SDs husband feels threatened by other people's success. My family has invited the two of them to many celebrations and parties where they did not just fail to show up but didn't have the class or courtesy to rsvp to invitations. Their failure to attend my biological daughter's graduation party and failure to rsvp or send a gift is the straw that has broken this camel's back. I can think back on a million situations where the SD pushed her way into our plans while never once opening her wallet. If the younger SD is like her father, the older SD has a lot of her classless rude crude mother in her, just hides it well. I have to deal with enough family stress brought on by my aging parents and a dysfunctional older sibling so I have no interest in dealing with the selfish, self-important SD and her uneducated insecure ignorant husband. Lately when I hear her voice on the phone I feel physically ill and will just walk away while my husband speaks to her. He never complains about the way she treats him and never criticizes her ways. I now see my SD and her husabnd for what they truly are and want to completely disconnect and end any and all interaction with both. It is hard since my husband has a grandchild in the picture. BTW, my training tells me that the grandchild has developmental issues and it has become the white elephant in the room. How do I deliberately and totally end my interaction with my SD and her family? I mean I never want to see or speak to any of them again...ever !!! At this point in my life I'm done taking the high road. Open to all suggestions !!
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Comments
She is 36 and doesn't live with you
Stop inviting her to your family functions. There is zero need to invite her to you bio's graduation, etc. She has clearly shown she has no interest or won't even do the courtesy of RSVPing no, so no further invitations.
DH can go and visit her (if invited) but no need for her to come to your home. If DH wants to invite her he can order food for them and you can do something else while they spend time together.
How much time they spend with her in-laws vs you is not relevant. It isn't a contest and maybe they all just get along better. They should however treat you both with respect if they want you to attend their events and bring gifts etc.
There are many threads on disengagement here, might be good to review them.
Big Family Events/Uncharted Waters
My biological daughter and her awesome boyfriend are planning to be engaged shortly. Her wedding will be a blow out event if the past has served as any basis. I do not want to invite SD and her husband to my daughter's wedding shower or wedding, albeit it's a few years off. How do I pull that off without hurting my husband or damaging the relationship with the younger SD whom I really like. It's trickier than just disengaging from the older SD and her family. I don't want to come off looking like the classless ill-mannered SM that makes trouble. My children are b/w 10 and14 years younger than my husband's (just the youngest is home) and have not experienced many of life's big events yet. So it's hard...ther will be engagements, weddings, babies, etc. Is it okay to just simply not invte one SD but include the other??
A few years off
Go ahead and disengage and see how that works. You have awhile before you have to make any decision. Many things can happen in the meantime.
Don’t worry
Don't worry too much about it. Just float back. That said, I think worrying about your daughter's wedding at this juncture is a little premature-- cross that bridge when you get there. For now, make your life better by spending less time and effort on people who are obviously total jerks. It sounds like you have really made an effort to extend the olive branch - you tried - you don't need to extend that same level of effort anymore - pearls before swine... Don't announce it - just do it.
Honestly, I think that in
Honestly, I think that in this case I would invite her and her DH. But, I would set my expectation meter to zero. If it is a big affair.. they easily would be lost in the mix.. could be seated at a table off to the side. If their back history is any predictor.. they won't come anyway..lol. If they don't RSVP.. I would not have a seat for them haha.
So, the invite is probably fairly low risk anyway.. I mean.. they may be vapid and selfish people.. but unless you truly felt that they would cause a scene at the wedding. invite them as a "duty" to your DH.. expect them to not come and if they do by happenstance show up.. don't expect a gift. And for goodness sake don't let your daughter do something like ask her to be a bridesmaid..lol... she is a garden variety guest.. who likely will just not show anyway..
You know how they are now.. I think you can minimize the impact by not doing much casual socializing.... and you don't have to organize it certainly.. she is his daughter.. he can manage that.
Just leave it to DH
If it's a wedding with 100's of guests then one more freeloader and her DH won't matter.
Just tell your DH since she's never shown up, RSVP d, or sent gifts before you'd prefer not to invite her but will if he wants to. If he says yes then tell him to follow up with his DD about an RSVP and if attending a gift is expected.
If you feel strongly that you don't want her there then just be honest and tell the other SD why. The chips will fall where they may.
But mainly, I would ask the bride what she wants. If she says she wants to invite her for her father's sake...then suck it up and send the invite.
No need
No need to make any big disengagement annoucement which would probably upset your DH, anyway. Just disengage from her. She doesnt want to come over and you don't want to visit. No need to call or text. When your DH talks about her, go, "Hmmm. .want a glass of wine?" I'd stay civil and polite with her, nothing further. This is what I do with my troublesome SD59. I keep the "polite civil" channel open only because she is DH's daughter and I know she will be in my life while he lives (but only peripherally).
She is an adult. I would
She is an adult. I would disengage completely from her - just treat her like an acquaintance. As caninelover & JRI sez - disengage. She's not worth your time or effort. Just keep focused on the one you get along with, your bio's and your DH.
I would just disengage
I would just disengage quietly and step away. As far as events such as your daughters wedding. If past experience determines future behavior your SD likely won't attend because it will require a gift.
I would just make sure to make note of your daughters registry when you send SDs invitation.