Step Daughter
Hello, I'm new here but I am hoping someone might have some guidance. I have a SD16 SS15 and a son who is 6. I have been with my DH for 10 years. The kids all live with us full time. My SS and I have a great relationship. Both boys are very sweet, good boys. My SD is..mean. It breaks my heart. She does whatever she wants, when she wants and doesn't care who it hurts. When you ask her to help or are critical in anyway she rages. We can't trust her to watch her little brother because she doesn't watch him. And she lies about things, sometimes about me. There are so many details and stories. If it Helps I can be more specific.God knows I am not perfect but I do try to do right by the kids. I love them. I want to see them grow up into good humans. But it's like no matter what I do she is determined to see me as a horrible person. Does that make sense?It's exhausting and hurts and it's been going on for years don't know what to do about it anymore.
Where is her mother in all
Where is her mother in all this and how often does she see her? Are you allowed to discipline her? Do you ask SS15 to watch the wee one too? Can you give us some examples of what she does and the kind of lies she tells? The more information we have the better we can advise
Mom lives in another state.
Mom lives in another state. SS actually lived with her and we swapped kids for 4 weeks in the summer--until a few months ago she had some kind of mental break and disappeared for several weeks. DH got a one way ticket for SS. SS still talks to his mom. SD wants nothing to do with her and won't even respond to texts. Their mom spent Christmas with us but because of COVID that was the first time she had seen her mom since the summer of 2019.
We leave our son with his brother 2 days a week.
As far as the things she does--if you make her do something she doesn't want to do, she makes everyone around her miserable. While at our family cottage at the lake a few weekends ago, she wanted her boyfriend to come but his parents said no. We were already on our way so we had her still come with us. She pouted, was rude to everyone around her, banged her head up against the table, snapped at everyone, carried on crying and was just....toxic. I tried to talk to her about growing up, and learning to handle dissappintment little better and it blew up. Our friend that was with us had to go back into town (about 45 minutes) and ended up offering to take her another 30 minutes out of her way to take her home just to get her out of there.
I can and do discipline her. DH and I usually talk about consequences in advance.
she has told everyone who will listen; friends, friends parents, boyfriend, boyfriends parents that I am mean to her, she hates her life...she exaggerates and dramatizes stories--just a small example--once I said "you can't do whatever you want to do your whole life and expect their not to be consequences. That's what crackheads do" and she told everyone I called her a crackhead...
And then just this weekend her dad gave her His credit card to buy some jeans and a bra and she spent $750. I told her that it was a problem because it's stealing she said that she would pay us back and I said that's not the point. She turns everything I say around to the point where it's almost confusing and I don't know what to do. Does that help? I could go on and on.
Dad?
I'm not hearing Dad's role in this. Does he see the issues? What does he do?
Dad has in the last few years
Dad has in the last few years come to see the problems. Now she always says he takes my side. That said, Almost all of our disagreements are about how to handle issues with her. He is a good dad but he has a hard time holding the kids accountable (to schoolwork, chores, etc) and so that's always fallen to me--and when you have a person to parent that doesn't want to be accountable, it's a problem. He's recognized that he has been too laid back in parenting her..but also is at a loss.
Let him take the wheel for a bit
SD sounds like an attention seeking teenager who probably feels abandoned. Her parents sound like they don't want to engage with her for whatever lame reason. You are going above and beyond - the girl is lucky to have you- but she doesn't want your attention she wants her parents- so it makes it hard for you to try to hold this whole mess together. My stepdaughter went through a teenage phase of making everyone miserable if she didn't get things exactly her way- I backed away - and told my husband to handle it because I wasn't going to be a hostage on a vacation I was paying for or be made miserable by a teenage dictator. She ranted and raged and pouted - but ignoring the negative stuff it seemed to help curb it. She is a fun and sweet adult person now. You are trying to help her and improve the situation but in reality you are giving her something to push back against. Let your husband fully parent his i teenager - that's his job.
I agree, I think you should
I agree, I think you should step back and DH should step up to parent. She will likely rebel but at the end of the day it is truly what kids want. They want Thier parents to show they care even when that means setting structure and boundaries.