New Blended Family--Advice and Moral Support
Hello!
I'm new to these forums, and I am looking to connect with other parents in blended family situations for advice and moral support.
I am a divorced mother of a pre-teen daughter. My boyfriend moved in with us seven months ago. He is wonderful--my daughter and I both love him very much.
He has two boys from a previous relationship, who live across the country with their mother. The boys are with us for one week at Christmas and one week at spring break, and soon they'll be arriving for six weeks over the summer. This will be the longest time we've had them since we moved in together.
I feel very blessed, honestly. The boys are bright, polite, fun kids--and my daughter loves it when they are here. (She is the oldest of the three children.) My partner is very supportive of my needs and approachable with my concerns and incredibly loving to me in general--and after my abusive marriage, he has been a wonderful change. However, I struggle with moderate to severe anxiety, and I am wanting to be proactive about both my mental health and the mental health of my entire family this summer.
I think primarily my need for support and advice comes in these areas:
1) six weeks is longer than any of the previous visits. I'm worried about any new issues that may arise as a result of this longer period and what the impact of that might be on all members of our family.
2) I feel a bit of grief for losing the time off this summer with just my daughter. I am a teacher, and every summer of her life, it's just been the two of us. I am trying to let myself feel sadness for that while also feeling joyful about the way our family is growing. But sometimes I can't help but feel guilty that I miss some things about the days when it was the two of us.
3) I am an extroverted introvert: I love being around my loved ones, but the alone time is hugely important for me too. I am nervous about how adding two additional children to our home over the summer will impact that. I am excited for the chance to deepen my bond with the boys, but I am also nervous entering this new era for me as I will be the primary caregiver all summer as my partner works. The transition from one pre-teen girl to one twelve year old girl, a nine year old boy, and a seven year old boy feels a little daunting to me.
4) Finally, as supportive as my partner is, I don't ever want him to misinterpret my concerns and anxieties as not loving his boys or not wanting them here. I want to make sure I am fairly communicating my feelings and needs while making sure he knows that having his boys here is completing our family, not adding a burden. And I want to continue to adjust my mindset so I can better appreciate the things that I am gaining into my life, not just the things that are leaving or changing.
Thank you in advice for your support and sharing! I appreciate it very much!
6 weeks is a long time... I
6 weeks is a long time... I think planning is your friend here. I would keep in mind that the boys are here to see their dad so it would be a good idea for you both to plan some things without the larger family unit. He SHOULD take his boys for a long weekend camping/fishing (or whatever shared interest they may have).. .you should also do similar things a few times with your daughter alone. Also she shouldn't be the default babysitter all the time. Maybe even planning some activities/camps for the kids during the summer to occupy them. Also create boundaries where you have time and space for your own peace... maybe a morning walk alone at minimum to prepare for the day..for example.
I'm going to start by saying
I'm going to start by saying that you may find more of the moral support you're looking for on other forums. That's not anything against you; this site just tends to deal with more SPs who are trying to disengage versus engage with SKs, and you may find some of the replies will not be supportive of you building relationships with your SKs.
That aside, back to your questions. As ESMOD said, remember that the kids are there to visit their dad. They'll want alone time with him, and he should be able to get that. Do you two have the ability to take a week or long weekend to do separate vacations with your respective kids? That may help you with your feelings of guilt while also allowing all the children to get much needed one-on-one time with their parents. It will also give you a chance to recharge, especially if you put that trip in the middle of the six weeks. Then it's more two, 2 week chunks than 6 weeks (or each of you do trips on different weeks so it's one week together, one away, then one together and one away, and then two together). I'd also designate one day/night a week that is "one-on-one" time between the kids and parents. You guys can alternate week to week where one group stays home and the other goes out.
Also, don't feel like you need to instantly love his kids (or ever love his kids). Your daughter has had the opportunity to spend much more time with your SO than his kids have had to spend with you, or even their own dad. Your journey in stepparenting will be MUCH different than your SO's by virtue of distance. Don't force a relationship to try and compete or keep up with his relationship with your daughter. You won't get there, you'll frustrate yourself, and you'll likely drive a wedge between you and your SKs. There is NOTHING wrong with you being more "Dad's GF" while he is more "stepparent". It's the nature of the relationship.
Finally, set ground rules before the SKs show that they need to follow. Yes, this is going to feel like vacation for them, but it's still normal life for you all. They need to assimilate to the household, not treat your home like an all-expense paid resort. Rules should be followed, appropriate chores should be done, healthy foods should be served, and consequences should be doled out when needed. Your SO needs to act like a parent to children when they're there. If he can't do that and he allows them to misbehave, then you need to reconsider how visitation will work in the future.
Bonus: don't hide your feelings from your SO. You're allowed to be nervous. You're allowed to have concerns and anxiety. This is new for you. Your SO has had a lot more time and practice than you at getting through those feelings. He needs to offer you the same grace. You need to offer each other that grace. Not every SP will act like a "bonus" parent, especially with a long-distance schedule, and that's not a bad thing. Remember that the relationship you have with his kids is reciprocal, and they may not want someone who acts like a parent and loves them like a parent. Don't pressure yourself to feel or do something that feels wrong, and don't let your SO guilt you into feeling like you're wrong for your feelings. He can discuss concerns with you, but shouldn't make you feel bad.
Agree with ESMOD, you don't
Agree with ESMOD, you don't have to do everything as a blended family. You should still have time with just you and your daughter and he should have time with his sons.
All of the extra work should not fall on you, his sons are his responsibility. This does not mean that you hate his kids, it simply means - they are his responsibility.
You needing your own space and some alone time does not mean that you don't want his sons there but this is going to be quite an adjustment for you and he should understand that.