Hello all,

I am new here, and I guess I could just use some support. My DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2 years. We moved into our new home 6 months ago, and my 20 year old SS moved in with us. I wasn't really happy about this, as my SS has been verbally abusive to my DH in the past, but my DH has always been accepting of my son who lives at home (17 years old, Junior in high school), so I went along with the arrangement. Unfortunately problems began only days after we moved in. I was cleaning up the bathroom shared by my son and SS, which also serves as a guest bath. My SS had toothpaste, shampoo, hair gel, mouthwash, etc. spread all over the counter, so I placed everything inside the cabinet. When my SS got home and realized his things were in the cabinet he started screaming "What the f*ck!!" and slamming the cabinets. My husband wasn't home at the time, and I was shocked and actually somewhat afraid, SS is a large guy. When my DH got home, I told him what had happened, and he said I was in the wrong because I had moved SS things, even though it's not his bathroom, it's shared.  I got a sinking feeling that the reaction from DH did not bode well for the future. Over the next several months, my SS was constantly yelling, punching the walls, throwing things or verbally berating his dad. I raised my kids to be polite and respectful, so I couldn't believe my DH was tolerating this behavior, much less telling me I was wrong. I was clearing room in the fridge at Thanksgiving, so I threw away SS's 10 day old leftovers then asked him to clean the containers. He threw the containers across the kitchen and started yelling. DH was home this time and tried to calm him down, then later claimed he and SS were merely "having a discussion", and that I was wrong for throwing away his 10 day old leftovers. My son and I had to start hiding our food in our rooms because SS would eat everything we bought. My son got sick of it and asked SS to stop eating all his food. This devolved into SS trying to physically fight my son. Again DH said SS is sensitive about his weight, and my son was wrong to say anything to him. Frankly I am still shocked that DH tolerates this behavior, much less defends it at my expense. I'm only hitting a few high (low) points, as there are too many similar incidents to describe. 

Full disclosure, I grew up with an alcoholic father who was extremely violent and abusive, so I cannot function well with violent outbursts. I tried many times to talk to my DH about this, but he claimed his son isn't violent and did nothing to stop the behavior. I basically had to hide out in my bedroom most of the time, and I told DH I would have to leave if nothing changed. Suffice it to say things only got worse. Then my DH decided out of the blue to take SS on a ski trip. Why you'd reward a kid that acts like that, I have no idea. And even worse, he not only didn't invite my son or I, he didn't even tell me he was going until they were already on the road. 

I could not afford our new home on my own, so I started looking for rentals for my son and I. I also have a 21 year old daughter who is away at college. She didn't even want to come home for visits anymore with all the chaos, and I didn't blame her. I told my DH I couldn't live like this and I was looking for another place to live. He still did nothing, yet seemed shocked when I told him the moving truck was coming the next day. 

I'm not sure what my question is, I think it's pretty obvious where DH's priorities lie. I'm happy to have a peaceful place for my son and I, just still a little shocked that DH didn't care enough to save his marriage when SS was obviously in the wrong. Any support or similar experiences would be helpful.