this is my first entry here.

I don't want to go into deep history or anything like that all at once. 

I just want to say...

I feel utterly alone. 

I know what the right thing is to do. I suggest these things and I am ignored or targeted. either way, whatever I do, my life deeply suffers the games the biological parents are playing... with me, with the grandparents, with health and mental and judicial professionals, and worst of all... their behavior has dire consequences to their own children.

I know the right thing to do is keep saying and practicing... "not my s##t" and help out where I can without touching parental boundaries. but it's killing me watching what it is doing. the drama. the anger. mediators don't even want to deal with the parents. because they are mean to each other to a point if you get in the way of their meanness to each other... they both come after you... jointly. 

I tried to get a lawyer and got dumped by the lawyer, so she can help my husband. that's when I found out I don't have any rights. 

from cops showing up on my door to heinous emails degrading me, who I am, how I talk... to outright questioning my ability as a mother in front of my own child to stating her only goal was to prove my home as dangerous and unstable... and that's just the mother. 

grandparents entrenched into saving the parents by picking up the slack and fixing the major mistakes that then require lawyers and cops and court dates. refusals to communicate with each other and then micromanage the situations to set one or the other up for failure.... you know... for proof to the courts and cops they are about to engage into this drama.

and four boys under age of 16. in i.possibke schedules set up for the father to fail at maintaining. no positive communication so there are missed meds and appointments and school sessions... to what end?

my own two children (24 and 19), who have dealt with father abandonment and rejection their whole lives watching all this unnecessity to behaviors. 

dumping responsibilities onto others ... only to blame those dumped on ... with no care information or rules or bedtimes or anything... both parents... extensively focused on the situations they caused to each other... and not to the lives they are responsible to.

I just feel alone. unprotected. unheard. and essentially unwanted unless the parents don't feel like being responsible enough ... so... good luck!! 

it has driven me literally insane. heavy depression... locked up and can't function... can't think... can't eat. lost interest in things I love... becoming more and more unable to function.. I can only watch it all fall apart because it is more important to drive that adrenaline train of hate than to accept responsibility, learn from mistakes and move forward for the betterment of their futures. 

I am in therapy... heavy therapy. all I can do is talk about it and learn how to endure until I am strong enough again to be successful for myself. but it's a lonely and degrading road to self redemption.

thanks for listening.