Insane device use
So we've already been through this with 10 year old step son. Both kids (there's also a 13 year old step daughter) spent 20 odd hours every day on their devices. (They're spoiled, each with new iPads, phone and computer). I've had issue with this since day one, which I think is fair as they're in my home 50% of the time and I'm basically a hotel maid. Anyways, I was using the computer and he had forgotten to close this "discord" app which is a completely anonomys chat and video app. Took me about 2 minutes of reading to realize that this "10 year old online girlfriend" was someone grooming him. This boy had given this person our home address, full names, as well as his bio moms, school info and what days he would be where and when, and that he walked home from school. This is the only time I'll say thank heavens for Covid and the borders being closed. We did take everything to the police and sure enough, it was some man in the states ( we are in Canada). He has not and will not get any of these devices back except for an extremely locked up and basic computer for online school. And you know what? It's been a god send because this kid has changed COMPLETELY. He went from a complete zombie to a pleasant, helpful chatty kid with other interests now and it's wonderful.
my issue is with the SD. She literally does not get out of bed except to get food and use the washroom. She spends the entire day every day on the iPad and phone. Absolutely refuses to clean up after herself and just treats our home like her own personal trash can. And her bio parents have no issue with this at all, I guess they didn't take much from the incident above. I have tried and tried to set some boundaries but I'm completely alone in it. There was a time where I had the rule that the wifi would be on from 6-8 IF her room was clean, hoping it would be some incentive to do ANYTHING. I mean, I don't think I'm asking much- I don't think it's unreasonable for a 13 year old to make her bed and put her own dishes in the dishwasher. Anyways, none of that would get done and she'd demand it on and her dad would happily comply. One day he actually did have it off for a bit, and it was a gorgeous day so we asked her to take the dog for a walk around the block instead of moping about the wifi being off. She had an absolute bitch fit and demanded the wifi be turned back on. I finally cracked and said no, we asked you to do one minor thing and you had a tantrum so no, we're not turning it on. He did back me up this time, so when she went on her phone anyways her took stuff away. This is followed by 2 hours of her screaming at the top of her lungs that she's being abused and she hates everyone, and even said to her dad "who the fuck do you think you are" "I don't have to listen to you or that stupid bitch blah blah blah. Just ridiculous. At this point I'm thinking that's it, she's not getting these back for the rest of the week. He gave them back the next day, and ever since it's been unlimited use. I'm out of ideas. I think I had a completely reasonable plan that chores= some time on them and if she doesn't do anything then she doesn't get them. Should be easy enough right? Am I crazy??
I just need to vent. I dread and hate the our weeks with the kids here. I'm just a hotel maid and don't want to be in my own home anymore. Worse yet all school is from home now so I don't even get that bit of time in the day and it's all left on me because he's still working from the office and I'm at home. I just wish she didn't come here at all
Welcome - sounds like your
Welcome - sounds like your husband is a lazy parent who would rather make his kids happy than turn them into functional adults.
There isn't much you can do about that, as you have tried and failed to get him to see the harm he's doing to his daughter. So if I were you, I'd stop all the parenting/cleaning/nannying/chauffering or anything else you do for her and let him take care of her 100%. If he can't be home to do that, then they can go to their mother's home during the day.
Thank you
Thank you! I could cry just because the validation for my feelings is so needed. I agree with you entirely. He's a wonderful man and I love him dearly but you hit the nail on the head. It's not even lazy parenting, I feel like it's complete non parenting at all. I will propose that to him, I think it's a totally fair plan. As the only non parent in this scenario I don't think these things should fall on me and both he and their mom need to step up
I'll also add that she is
I'll also add that she is completely aware that she doesn't have to do anything. Whether he asks her to tidy up or I do, she won't. And nothing happens. So she knows if she doesn't do what she's asked there's no consequence, so why bother? I finally had to clean her room after they left last week because of the smell. A full size garbage bag of garbage, 3 full loads of laundry and half a dishwasher worth of glasses and dishes that had been hidden around. They've now been back with us for 4 days and it's back to how it was before I cleaned it. Still nothing. If it were up to me I'd take everything away until it was cleaned up. But I have no say, I just don't feel like it's my place to be an enforcer and I have no right to dole out any kind of consequence either. I just wish he would get on board with me. We have been living together almost 3 years now, with his son along the whole time, but she refused to stay with us until about a year ago. I truly miss when she wouldn't come here. I think he's got severe divorce guilt so doesn't want the conflict. It's such a manipulation on her part and I'm just at my wits end. I've tried the diesengaging as much as I can, but I'm a clean person and I love and take great pride in my home. Even if I leave the mess for him it doesn't seem to bother him at all.
As if the bedroom isn't bad enough, the bathroom is a complete wreck as well. Stepson will happily clean it if he's asked and sometimes on his own, but I don't think it's fair that everything falls on either him or I to do. I've even found when she's on her period (yes sympathy for that BUT..) there is blood wiped on the walls and hand towels and then left all over the toilet. I don't know how I'm going to make it til she's 18 if the custody arrangement doesn't change to her being primarily at moms. And I hate that I sound so evil because the last thing I want to do is keep his daughter away from him but I just can't take it anymore
Well, there are no
Well, there are no consequences for him, either - if she doesn't do it, YOU do, and he doesn't have to make any effort, or be the "bad guy" with his kid. Make him do the clean up if she won't. That might change things for him.
It is worth a shot. I've
It is worth a shot. I've tried to some degree and he's just so easy going it doesn't bother him to do it. I've been dreading this conversation but I'm going to have to have it. Either things change or she doesn't come here anymore. I just don't want it to come down to a "her or me" situation because I know you can't make someone choose between you and their child
Well, if it doesn't bother
Well, if it doesn't bother him, that's fine - but at least you aren't the one doing the work. You can't make him parent, you can only set your own boundaries.
I would certainly be
I would certainly be frustrated with your husband. The kids only did what they were allowed to do. The boy got into trouble with his online activity ... not because he is necessarily a stupid kid.. or a bad kid or a kid trying to do bad... he was clueless and not mature and experienced enough to understand certain risks. I am also surprised that his parents didn't turn their focus on their daughter's activity when that came to light. That is lazy parenting..on both of them.
And.. while it sounds like her younger brother has gotten straightened out.. his sister is still living up to the expectations set for her.. which apparently is a fairly low bar.. perhaps getting out of bed to pee.. lol.
I can't imagine why her dad allows it.. and has zero expectations for her respect of the home he provides for her. That room would have been cleaned ONCE.. and if it reverted.. then she would be losing a lot of privileges. No food in her room for one. and.. I didn't get overly concerned over clutter in my SD's spaces.. but FILTH and garbage.. especially food garbage were a boundary and minimum expectation for us.
I do think your DH should be stepping up on this. Clearly she is unable to manage her other responsibilities with the siren call of social media at her fingertips. Maybe dad needs to hold those devices for certain times during the day.. at night and until she has completed her obligations of any school work and tidying her room/ wiping down her bathroom.
I could also see a "move it or lose it" mentality on your part... go through the bathroom with a trash bag only.. every item that is misplaced and haphazard.. gets thrown away.. any makeup toiletries she strews around will be gone. When she questions where her things are... they were thrown away because she didn't do her part to keep things in order. If she wants to continue to live like a pig.. that her dad and you will continue to do the mass washdown of her spaces... if she would prefer to do it in a way that preserves her belongings? well.. honey.. you better get to it before we do because you won't like how we approach it.
That's my next plan too. One
That's my next plan too. One final sweep, anything on the floor is either donation or garbage and that's it. If her and DH don't like it then that's too bad.
he has no expectations because he still feels guilty for ending the marriage ( 5 years ago now and a year and a half before we met, but it's still because of me that they're not getting back together) and her and her bio mom play the depression card. Which yes, I sympathize with and she's in therapy, but it's being used as a manipulation and an excuse to get away with murder. I'm not trying to downplay mental health issues in anyway, but it's awfully convenient that she's only depressed when she's not getting exactly what she wants and then uses it as a threat if anything is asked of her.
Excess social media
Excess social media exacerbates depression in young teenage girls. They are doing her no favors.
I have said this several
I have said this several times!! And usually he agrees and is onboard until they get here. The craziest thing is biomom is a psychiatrist and social worker - by all accounts she should know better too!! I could just scream!
She's a doctor and a social
She's a doctor and a social worker? Or she's a psychiatric social worker? She should know better, you are correct, but since I'm in the mental health field, I can say that there are many in the field who do not parent their own kids.
Sorry I should clarify- her
Sorry I should clarify- her degrees are in psychology and she works for family services as a mediator so it branches into social services as well. By all accounts a brilliant woman but I guess leaves it at the office
Gotcha - yes, BM here is a
Gotcha - yes, BM here is a professor and SS21 barely graduated from high school. Made no sense to me, except she didn't really want to be a parent, just a pal.
In addition to that, I know
In addition to that, I know that having no rules or consequences for a teen or preteen makes these issues worse as well. Isn't it true that having boundaries and guidelines give them a sense of safety and security?
You need to get your husband
You need to get your husband in on the mass washdown. It has to be a united front.. you don't want her crying on his shoulder cause you got rid of her James Charles pallette or whatever.. and him placating her and going to buy her new!
If he has to put in time for her crime.. perhaps he may see his skin in the game.
I certainly will! I think the
I certainly will! I think the best time to have this conversation is while doing this so he can SEE what I'm frustrated with. The fault is on me that I haven't been firm enough in past conversations. But enough is enough. I genuinely appreciate all this input from you all- i think it's going to help me so much to be able to vocalize everything that's been going on. Thank you thank you all - I've been feeling like I'm just a demanding crazy bitch. In the past he's put it down to "she's only 13" and I'm expecting too much. I knew I wasn't wrong!
"Yes dear.. she is only 13
"Yes dear.. she is only 13 and neither of her parents have ever had anything but the most minimal expectations for her. I don't think that where she is is necessarily "her fault".. she has been allowed to self parent and figure out her own limits on social media etc.. and guess what? she is a kid who doesn't know what's best for her.. that is her parent's job.. and you and your EX haven't been doing a great job of setting her up for success."
The kid needs rules/boundaries/expectations. She needs to learn self organization... I would hazard a guess that she has done ok in school so far because she is a reasonably intelligent kid. My YSD was quick to pick up her schoolwork.. it wasn't challenging at all.. teachers were too busy with the "real" problems in the classroom.. so most kids.. if they were reasonably compliant and did the minimum work? they got good grades. But.. as she gets older and into harder more complex coursework.. she will probably start having problems.. her natural intelligence will not shine through her disorganization.
And.. time management.... she needs to learn how to do tasks that are her responsibility in the time allotted. Another life skill a work life skill she will need.
I'm not saying that she needs to be the most perfectly neat person.. I certainly am not.. but I am capable of organizing and not living in complete garbage piles!
She won't figure this stuff out without some help.. and her parents are failing her.
I agree with you a hundred
I agree with you a hundred percent. It's entirely due to a lack of parenting and accountability and I know that. I just need dh to realize that having expectations and rules for a 13 year old isn't unreasonable. And I don't think me expecting some respect in my own house isn't out of the question either, especially when I'm the one responsible for the cooking, cleaning, laundry and cleanup after the kids. She does do well in school so neither parent sees issue with anything else. Good grades are great but get you nowhere if you refuse to get out of bed.
I think the conversation will have to go something like "this isnt her fault as she's doing exactly what's expected of her, but something needs to change for this to work and if she's not willing to do her part and you're not willing to make her, then these weekly stays will have to turn into weekends when you're here to be with her"
again I'm not asking the world! I'm not looking for a Cinderella or even for help around the rest of the house (as nice as that may be). I don't even expect perfect tidiness! I'm just begging here, the garbage to not be shoved down the wall beside the bed and to make it on a daily basis (her argument to that is "I'm just getting back in it, which is a whole other issue anyways). And it would be nice after I've washed, dried, folded and returned the clothes that they didn't just get shoved under the bed or on the floor in the closet. It's all just a slap in the face, and I KNOW she is smart enough and knows better. Step son says they do have chores at their mothers house, but he does most of those too. It's completely unfair
"And I don't think me
"And I don't think me expecting some respect in my own house isn't out of the question either, especially when I'm the one responsible for the cooking, cleaning, laundry and cleanup after the kids."
Why are YOU responsible for cooking and cleaning and cleanup after not-so-young kids??
You make an excellent point!
You make an excellent point! And I know to my core it shouldn't be my responsibility!! I guess for background I was laid off because of covid so I've been home so I guess I feel like since I'm not working it should be up to me (certainly on our weeks without the kids I'm perfectly fine with it) second part being I'm just a tidy person, and I love my home and take great pride in it. I'm trying really really hard to not do anything but the mess just makes me anxious and edgy. And I know my husband absolutely doesn't think like this, but in my mind it's like I'm not working and home anyways and if I want it a certain way that's my problem. I hear exactly where your coming from and I know my logic is so out of whack- I'm really doing it to myself. The only way to change things is to have this conversation I've been dreading but it's happening
Absolutely the adults in the
Absolutely the adults in the home should be treated respectfully.. everyone should be respectful to people living in the same home.
But.. that isn't the same thing as being "grateful" for what you do for her. I know on one rational level.. she should understand that you don't "have" to take care of her needs the way you do. It isn't your responsibility and she should appreciate that. But, I think that kids.. even how I thought as a kid.. expect that it's their parent's "job" to take care of their needs.. to buy them the things they need for school.. to support them .. to provide them a home .. transportation etc.. So, what you are doing is taking over your HUSBAND"s responsibility. HE should be bend over backwards grateful that you are taking on tasks that aren't your responsibility. Sure, his kids should be taught to be polite.. thank people for doing nice things for them.. but to expect flowery thanks for every eggo she gets to eat.. or for every pair of clean underwear? probably not something that occurs to her deserves special "thanks".. though she may in time understand that you stepped in when you didn't have to.
Oh you're totally right, and
Oh you're totally right, and not once have I ever expected a thank you from the kids, I know my man appreciates it and treats me wonderfully, but I need him to step up the parenting. I can't act as a step parent or authority figure if he doesn't, so we need to get on that same page. Like you said, respect is different from gratitude and that's all I want
To top it off, I HATE myself
To top it off, I HATE myself for feeling this way, it honestly kills me. My whole life all I've wanted to be is a mom, I've worked with kids almost my whole working life and I love them. And now this past year I find myself so full of resentment! I hate the fact that I have these feelings and it's just draining me. I wish I could just shut it off and be fine with everything like the bio parents are, but I can also see the damage and future damage that just doing nothing is already doing and will continue to do
No offense, but they are not
No offense, but they are not your kids. Do you think they love you back? Do you think they have any respect for you or loyalty towards you?
Another great point. Me and
Another great point. Me and SS have a good relationship but I do know that SD haaaaaaates me. Like hate hate. Which I wasn't oblivious too, I knew coming into it that a preteen girl was going to be difficult but it's just far beyond what I was prepared for. I met her dad about a year and a half after he and her mom split up, but she still does make it pretty clear that the divorce is my fault. I'm not asking to be besties by any means, but there can't be any type of relationship without there first being respect, and there's no respect without rules and boundaries first
And this is where your DH
And this is where your DH needs to be the heavy. She doesn't have to like you, but she does have to show basic respect and cordiality. And your DH needs to sit them down and say that things are changing in terms of responsibilities as they are getting older. I would look up disengaging and do absolutely nothing for her, I mean nothing other than making family meals when you are making them (and I suggest your DH make most of the meals during their week there). You have set yourself up as a doormat and of course they are taking advantage of you. Including your DH. Why is he not demanding basic respect and chores? Why is he allowing you, supposedly his beloved partner, to be treated like a scullery maid?
You're preaching to the choir
You're preaching to the choir my sister!the rest is on me to make the above points loud and clear and make sure he knows where I'm at. I've often been a grin and bear it person which again is my own doing. I have a big job and conversation to have here (again but more severe) to ensure he knows exactly where I'm at because I can't expect him to be a mind reader (though I do think a lot of this is pretty basic step one stuff)
don't beat yourself up.. this
don't beat yourself up.. this is not a "failure". Shoot, my SIL had a child and she is a TEACHER... and she had a LOT more trouble with their son than my brother does... I think it really threw her for a loop.. having a kid wasn nothing like she thought it would be.. she thought she would be a natural given her background.. even bio parents struggle. so be kind to yourself.
I don't know why he allows it
I don't know why he allows it either. She's been told several times no food in her room, but again no consequence anyways so that goes nowhere. She made soup one day for lunch and as she was heading upstairs with it I asked her to eat it in the kitchen. She blatantly told me no, and went on her way and has said the same to him when he asked the same thing. He has got to step it up and start parenting this kid so that I am able to use those boundaries too. Because if she doesn't have to listen to dad she sure as hell isn't going to listen to me
And that is where you tell
And that is where you tell her that this is your home and that YOU make the rules and that she is NOT going to eat anywhere other than at the kitchen table and to get her arse down here RIGHT NOW. You then implement changes. Remove all privileges, internet, WiFi, all screens, heck, even her door.
You and your dh HAVE to be in charge or she will walk all over you.
I know it. That's is
I know it. That's is precisely what I would have liked to have done too, and what I need DH to be prepared to do as well. I just feel like I don't have a thread to go on if he isn't willing to. Like it's not my place. Also in the past when we've tried it quickly devolves into calling her biomom to say she's being abused and she's going to kill herself. My husband needs to make and implement these changes first so someone has my back. It's going to come down to he's either got to start actively parenting or she's no longer welcome here
And that's your gotcha moment
And that's your gotcha moment... The minute she calls her mother and says she's going to kill herself, record her words and call 911. There has to be a first time.
Yeah you're absolutely right.
Yeah you're absolutely right. If she's serious she gets help and if she's bluffing hopefully there's a serious lesson in it
I can't get over your comment
I can't get over your comment about your SD having her period and spread blood up the walls and allowing her blood to be spread around. Well, if you're not allowed to tell her to not do that, then have your SO clean it up. Next time she does that, bring a spray bottle and rags to your SO and tell him that since he doesn't find it fitting to have his precious poopsie do anything, he can clean her period blood up. It's a health hazard to leave it there and as the woman of the house you don't want period blood on your walls. You are also worth much more than to clean up another female's period. Just stuff the cleaning materials into your SO's hands, tell him to clean it up in a cheeful tone and walk away.
I went through same as you and my DH acted like my SKs were much too royal to do a damn thing, so I started putting dirty articles of clothing and dishes on DH's dresser and pillow. It happened maybe three times and then he was putting stuff on their pillows. LOL I guess my DH didn't like my SKs' balled up stiff stinky socks (that I found on the kitchen counter) left on his pillow. Oh, and my SKs were 19 and 17 when I found their rolled up stiff stinky socks on the kitchen counter. It wasn't like they were 5 and didn't know better.
Ugh I know, and it was so
Ugh I know, and it was so pointedly done so the "oh I didn't notice" really does not fly. Had he been home it absolutely would have been on him and going forward will be. I like your plan! I plan to go through with a garbage bag daily and either it's dumped with him or tossed out
Same here. My SD just spends
Same here. My SD just spends all her time on her phone. She takes some time to play with 2 yr old BS which is good, but literally 90% of her time is spent staring at herself in her phone taking various selfies, snapchatting (I know, right? We were totally against it), and watching banal YouTubers talking about God knows what. She stays in her room till midday and then comes downstairs whining she's hungry, as if it was our job to wait on her and take food to her room. Once she's eaten, she takes 5 mins with my son and then buggers off back upstairs, and will stay there until teatime/until her father tells her to spend some time with us. When she does stay down here, she either calls her mother or step siblings, or weirdly rolls round on the floor like a toddler (not playing with BS), and plays with his toys. WTF. A An almost 10 year old playing with, and sometimes not understanding a 2 year old's toys! When I try to talk to her it's impossible because her interests are so limited and as an adult I just don't understand it. She can't carry a conversation even if it is about something that interests her, and if it's about BS or BD, she always finds a way to turn the subject back to herself. It's like she's lacking the ability to talk to people; her level of speech is that of a 6-7 year old and not to the standard or pace you'd expect of a child her age.
Since she's had her phone she's got more stupid, if that was even possible. It's like her addiction to the damn thing has taken her focus away from learning anything or growing as a person. Her room is a permanent pigsty; she doesn't even tell me if her bin is full, she's just happy to live in filth.
I hear that; the "they're abusing me" card. To this day I never allow myself to be alone with her because of the destructive and criminal lies she's told about me in the past. The crocodile tears on the phone to her mum whenever we dare to tell her what to do. Nip that in the bud, quick; the lies will only get worse.
My god. Just set up to be a
My god. Just set up to be a completely non functioning person. That's why I won't say anything to her on my own either- I'm not going to put myself in that position. Like I said before, I can't be comfortable trying to get her to do anything when he doesn't care what she does anyways so I'm always the bad guy on top of being the evil stepbitch. I'm just going to have to try disengaging entirely, if he doesn't care if they clean up after themselves he can do it, same with their laundry and meals. I just don't know how long that will be sustainable for me mentally - I wish it was as easy as just not letting it bother me but I don't know. We're listing our home to sell right away so it needs to be clean! After that we're at our cottage for the summer until other house is ready and I just don't know I'm going to cope in an even smaller place when he's commuting to work during the week and I'm there alone with them.
I feel even worse because I don't have the same problems with his son so it seems like I'm picking on her. So when I point out the state her room is in or try to mention anything it's like "well he has things in his room too". The difference being, he doesn't let it get bad anyways and in fact will come grab the vacuum on his own and wipe everything down - if I do have to remind him to make his bed or something he's happy to do it and it's done as soon as asked. I've just stopped reminding or asking him and he's lost the urge a bit because why is he the only one who has to? I don't feel right making him do it if she's not expected too