Disengaging when you have step and bio children at home
Does anybody else struggle with disengaging when you have stepchildren and your own children at home? Before I had my sons (3, 6 months) I worked full time, met up with friends, took my dog for walks, took solo vacations... I saw my step children frequently but it felt pretty casual. Now I am struggling to find balance. I'm the full-time, at home parent. For the past three years the bad behaviours, habits and attitudes have directly impacted me every day (of course I know these are mostly a result of the choices their parents make). I don't want to damage the four children''s relationships by causing rifts and removing myself from family situations. But I'm not very happy, find his children very difficult and unpleasant, and don't really want to raise my two in the same ways (in terms of screen time, cleanliness, Self reliance, exercise, bedtimes.)
So disengaging might look like deciding to stop cleaning up after them... But my son is 3, loves getting assigned 'jobs' and tidies up all the time. How can I leave their messes when we are so diligent about ours?
My son is allowed to watch TV and I'm not extremely strict but I'd say 30 mins-1hr per day is average and I try not to be on my phone much around him. If I stick to my guns I won't limit the older children's screentime without their dad asking me to but that can mean entire days on screens for them... How do I explain that to my little one? And explain that they won't listen to / talk to/ engage with him for hours at a time?
I feel like I'm split in half living in two different houses at the same time! Anyone else?
Ages
I should have said SS is 10 and SD is 11. Big age gap to my children but still young enough to need full time parenting.
You are the primary parent...
You are the primary parent... so parent.
Set the rules and standards of behavior and performance and enforce those rules. End the unregulated screen time and electronic mind sucking idiocy for any kids in your home, regardless of who spawned them.
If you do not want your own children to turn out like their elder half sibs.... address the Skid behaviors that do not comply with YOUR standards.
Bring consequences to bear, and if DH complains tell him to step up and parent or bite his tongue. BM gets zero say in how kids are parented or disciplined in your home.
Lather.............. rinse................ repeat.
Your house your rules
Take control it's your home and you're the grown up. Don't let them be the parents!
Disengagement is definitely a
Disengagement is definitely a different animal when you are acting as their primary caregiver.
Honestly, if you are their caregiver for large portions of the day... you are not disengaged and realistically can't be wholly disengaged from them.
That means getting them to clean up their messes.. just like you have that expectation for your younger kid(s) (well.. one is too young now..lol). That means setting reasonable limits and expectations on activities and behaviors.
Note.. you don't necessarily have the same screen limits for a 3 yo and a 11 yo. But that doesn't mean that you just let it all flow freely.
Obviously, you need your partners 100% support and backup on how you parent these kids in his absence. He doesn't get to second guess... or swoop in and soothe their hurt feelings because "mean ole stepmommy was too hard on them". You and he CAN have discussions on expectations and consequences.. but those happen behind closed doors.. he doesn't cut you off at the knees in front of the kids!
So.. these kids are your business since you are participating in their upbringing... and care and control. You don't have to be cruella deville.. but you can have some minimal expectations for them.. keeping messes under control. Not staying glued to a screen 10 hours a day.. etc.. And you can allow for more latitude if you wish.. because they ARE older.. and it is possible to explain differences in privilege by that. But, if you are their caregiver.. you really aren't disengaged.. it's not realistic.
Do you have to be their
Do you have to be their caregiver during the day? Where is BM? Sorry - don't know your story.
thanks for the replies. I
thanks for the replies. I wasn't very clear! We are 50/50 (down to the minute, no matter what!) we have them every weekend and my partner is here on weekends but parents differently. He drives them around to activities, takes then to the store, plays video games etc. But doesn't do that mundane laborious parenting of 'clean up that spill' or 'open your curtains' or 'use your fork.' He's all about having a clean room for a week, then never mentions it ever again. Then there are some school days with remote schooling 1-2 per week) and the odd half day here during the week. But since I'm always home, always parenting I feel like I'm the one who ends up taking on most of the burden of addressing table manners, behavior (like not doing remote schooling from bed), room cleaning, wearing clean clothes, closing the front door, not leaving food out... There's reasonable consistency between their homes so I'm not sure why they need so much direction and explanation for everything but it is a lot of work. I've tried the 'if they're in my house in the parent and I make the rules' but nothing sticks, they don't seem to learn and my partner is completely inconsistent.
I no longer regularly do things like take them to school or to playdates or appts because their mom is very available but I felt that I was being used by both parents as an au pair. I'm just in a hinterland of stepping around some things like disgusting bedrooms and midnight bedtimes and constantly being ignored and dismissed even though they make me unhappy. It's so hard because i don't want to 'give up on' young children at all, but I didn't sign up to raise them only to support their parents and create a good environment for them to grow in. Maybe that's just stepmom life.
It's only stepmom life if you
It's only stepmom life if you allow it. Your DH has a sweet gig - you do all the parenting for him. He isn't going to change until you stop doing it for him.
Truly not your responsibility
Truly not your responsibility. Dad needs to be responsible and make arrangements for his children when he is not home.
If rules are generally
If rules are generally consistent between households... it sounds like there need to be some consequences. But.. there also may be a certain amount of "hill to die on" analysis that you need to do for your own sanity. Consider if the issue is worth the fight so to speak.
For Example,
Doing virtual school sitting in bed.. as long as they are doing their work.. it may not be the best place... but as long as they are not failing school.. I might let that pass.
Clean Clothes (not talking underwear...) If they want to wear the same jeans or tshirt a few days in a row.. as long as it doesn't go into poor hygiene areas.. I wouldn't worry as much about that.
Clean room ... if it is just clutter.. not putting up toys or art supplies.. but not gross with food and dirty laundry shoved everywhere.. I could shut the door on that to an extent (or point it out to dad for a weekend project for him and the kids).
Things like not shutting a door.. leaving food out.. those are things that are happening because the kids are just moving to fast and not thining.. annoying as it is.. a "we aint airconditioning the whole neighborhood".. or "come put the peanut butter away before you eat that sandwich" will have to happen.
Hills to die on might be stuff I consider damaging, impacting my ability to work from home, or dangerous in some way.
It would be helpful if their dad would be more up on these.. and not make you feel like you have to jump in there because he won't.
Every weekend!
Every weekend!
smh
There would not be a snowballs chance in hell that I would tolerate a Skid in my home and invading my marriage every weekend in a close proximity Custody/Visitation scenario.
Full physical and legal with a long visitation schedule, no problem.