I'm child-free. He isn't.

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Good day to all. First time poster on brain overload today.

Background: I am a divorced woman in a LTR with my SO for the past 6 ½ years. SO has a daughter from a previous marriage, who will be referred to SD-11 from this point. Also, SO and BM have been separated for over 8 years, live in different parts of the state, and BM opened her own business there no less than 5 years ago. It appears to be a simple matter of paperwork and has been a point of contention for some time.

SD-11 is an average kid in some ways and different in others. She started suffering from encopresis (soiling) at a very young age and in the last few years has been diagnosed with ADHD. She has demonstrated deviant behavior, such as manipulation and particularly lying, to the point that nobody knows when to believe her.

SD-11 has never learned anything about being responsible. My SO cleans her soiled underpants (when they can be salvaged) and she has been known to run around with it in her underpants for the better part of the day. When asked about the smell, she lies and says she passed gas. When someone ultimately uncovers the unpleasant truth, if she’s asked anything about it, she just shrugs and says, “I don’t know.”

The pandemic has been difficult for her because she had to transition from in-person school to a homeschooling program. Lately, she has lost at least one best friend (with no explanation given by that friend) and she sometimes mentions that people don’t like her. As she has no real responsibilities, gets everything she wants and more, has no manners and a very sassy disposition, it’s not hard to understand how that could happen.

SO has been low-key hounding me to spend more time with SD-11 when she’s with him, but my problems with that are two-fold: first, I’m not comfortable building much of a relationship with her until the divorce papers are final; second, I do not appreciate her behavior toward SO or toward me. She is entitled, demanding and reactive when she doesn’t get her way. As a child-free woman, I am not willing to allow a spoiled 11-year-old to run the show. She runs both SO and BM ragged. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve called SO and he’s at the grocery store or picking up fast food because SD-11 didn’t want what they had at home.

There is a massive conflict in our parenting styles. The most severe punishment she has ever received is grounding and loss of privileges. SO is a total helicopter parent and I understand why SD-11 is so anxious with his hovering! The other conflict in our relationship is that he keeps pushing me to be involved, but will give me no authority to discipline or correct her, nor any to punish her. And when I offer to research various topics for him, I do so objectively and thoroughly, but my efforts are usually met with snark.

The kicker came today. SD-11 told her therapist she’d been hearing voices. That was new info for all involved. SO immediately packed and headed to BM’s house (understandably). SD-11 wanted him there. But by the time he got there, SD-11 was perfectly calm. They’re taking her to a behavioral clinic tomorrow. When I asked if they were going to try to get in early, he said, “We’re going to go when she wakes up. Not going to stress her going.” This was at 11:30 at night while they were sitting and watching a movie. I didn’t say this, but that really sounded to me like someone being wounded in some kind of accident and waiting for the wound to fester before seeking medical attention. I could understand if it wasn’t so pressing as to need to immediately go to the ER, but wouldn’t that convey to SD-11 that mental health emergencies aren’t actual emergencies? I mean, SO and BM already operate on

Good day to all. First time poster on brain overload today.

Background: I am a divorced woman in a LTR with my SO for the past 6 ½ years. SO has a daughter from a previous marriage, who will be referred to SD from this point. Also, SO and BM have been separated for over 8 years, live in different parts of the state, and BM opened her own business no less than 5 years ago. It appears to be a simple matter of paperwork and has been a point of contention for some time.

SD-11 is an average kid in some ways and different in others. She started suffering from encopresis (soiling) at a very young age and in the last few years has been diagnosed with ADHD. She has demonstrated deviant behavior, particularly lying, to the point that nobody knows when to believe her.

The pandemic has been difficult for her because she had to transition from in-person school to a homeschooling program (in which she has fallen woefully behind due to lack of motivation and self-discipline and will likely have to repeat a grade). Lately, she has lost at least one best friend (with no explanation given by that friend) and she sometimes mentions that people don’t like her. As she has no real responsibilities, gets everything she wants and more, has no manners and a very sassy disposition, it’s not hard to understand how that could happen.

SO has been low-key hounding me to spend more time with SD-11 when she’s with him, but my problems with that are two-fold: first, I’m not comfortable building much of a relationship with her until the divorce papers are final; second, I do not appreciate her behavior towards SO. She is entitled, demanding and reactive when she doesn’t get her way. As a child-free woman, I am not willing to allow a spoiled 11-year-old to run the show. She runs both SO and BM ragged. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve called SO and he’s at the grocery store or picking up fast food because SD-11 didn’t want what they had at home.

There is a massive conflict in our parenting styles. The most severe punishment she has ever received is grounding and loss of privileges. SO is a total helicopter parent and I understand why SD-11 is so anxious with his hovering! The other conflict in our relationship is that he keeps pushing me to be involved, but will give me no authority to discipline or correct her, nor any to punish her. And when I offer to look into things for him, I do so objectively and thoroughly and my efforts are usually met with snark.

Any and all feedback is welcome and most appreciated!

P.S.: Would it be appropriate to post this in another forum or does each post need to stand on its own?

Please Pardon the Editing

Post ends in 8th paragraph after "actual emergencies" and concludes with "I mean, SO and BM already bow to SD-11's every whim, which is a large part of why she has no respect whatsoever for other people’s time, and no notion of how to entertain herself or what she needs to do to take care of herself for her age… I don’t know. That part just blew my mind."

Any and all feedback is welcome and most appreciated!

My sincerest apologies!

Welcome!

To answer your last question first: you only need to post once.

Full disclosure: I'm child free as well.

This is a really rough situation.

This girl is damaged. Do the parents have her in intensive counseling? It doesn't sound like there is much other discipline. My guess is she will be a failure to launch because of what sounds like a raft of behavioral problems although I'm not a medical professional.

Thr non-divorce. While I started dating my fiancé while my divorce was being finalized. I was clearly moving forward with it. The fact after 8 years they are not is a huge red flag.

That's not to mention the other red flags about your boyfriends behavior.

I think I'd keep looking for someone who is actually available and without what may very well be a lifetime of baggage via his damaged child.

Thank you for your response.

To answer your question: SD-11 is in counseling, though I cannot say just how intensive it is. I currently have an appointment with my own counselor to discuss the issues. And yes, the wishy-washy "I want you to be involved but I don't want you to have any say or any opinions" is asinine to me. It's recently occurred to me that toughing it out until she's out of the house might never happen and it will be like waiting for him to stand up to his wife all over again, just with SD-11. I very much appreciate your insight.

Same “Situation”

"I want you to be involved and have a better relationship with SS10, but basically you don't get to have a say or opinion on his upbringing because me and his mother raise him", is exactly what I go through. Therefore, I've said those exact words to him and told him if that's how he feel (or that is exactly how he feels) than he can go back to BM to raise him. DH and I are married and my home is not a guest house and I'm not a maid, chef, chauffeur, bank and etc when it comes to SS10. I am a stepmother, but don't want to be his mother, at the same time, he is to respect me as another adult apart of his life. He is under my roof and if DH believes and feels I don't have a say or opinion on how SS is in my home he can find a new home or place to have his visitation. I will not allow to DH or a child dictate or run my home as if I'm non existent in this life of mine, or a child who isn't even capable or responsible for his own.. They can both leave. In which, past blogs I had both leave because I had enough of their nonsense. I don't ask to discipline his child, but I believe in correcting bad behavior, bad habits, also teaching responsibility, showing a child simple skills to be responsible and respectful and show some kind of manners. When that isn't present nor is being shown and it's just a free for all to do as SS10 pleases while good ole DH does it all for him, he can do that in someone else's home for someone else to deal with. I can't be that person to watch and stand by while a child is spoiled and enabled to learn absolutely nothing as he is growing to be a young adult. I am a mother myself to a 16y/o daughter, whom I raised practically on my own, she is not spoiled, she is a well rounded teenager. I raised her with morals, respect and she's learned to be responsible and self sufficient and it's because I was on top of her as a child and still continue to teach her things as she's getting older. I don't expect my DH to be like me me, but the expectations of being a parent is one I care for, especially raising a boy in this world to be a well rounded young adult. Why would I want to be with someone who lacks parenting and then disregards me, a parent herself, to be an observer in my own home while a feral child gets to do absolutely whatever he wants without rules or consistency? That's not who I am and I'm sure that's not who you are either. You know what's happening around you and you see it with your own eyes and it troubles you to the core to watch this damage a young child, while dad and mom entertain it.

In this situation- you are dating a married man (legally) he had 8 years to get a divorce and has not done so by this time. Also, he's pushing his child on you for you to be involved (or have some relationship aka friendship, as I would call it) yet you don't get a say on what is going on, knowing you are the outsider looking in at what is actually happening and they don't see the damage they are causing and creating. I would save your sanity, let these people be. Leave them and their child to there doing and marriage. You, at this point, look like a outsider, and that is how he is placing you. I'm sorry, I know it's a lot to handle, especially when you don't have a child of your own but you aren't no fool to see how they are raising her in a damaging way. You have the idea of how some things they are enabling and more so know that if she was your step child how you wouldn't allow such enabling and nonsense to happen while under your roof or care. You legitimately care and see what's going on and want to start some type of structure and consistency to her well being and your support, ideas, and or opinion dont seem to be take in account that it maybe helpful. It's frustrating for you. You have to start looking out for you and not them because this point they will not allow you to be involved. You will always be the outsider and it's not going to change.

I hope it all works out for you, I really do.

Welcome. I was waiting for

Welcome. I was waiting for you to say how wonderful your SO is as a means of explaining why you are still there - thankfully you didn't.

So why are you still there? He won't get divorced and he won't parent his child, but wants you to get closer to her.

He's actually neglecting his child, even though he seems like a doting parent. He doesn't teach life skills and is turning her into someone that no one likes, so he can feel like "nice dad" or whatever selfish reasons he has for not parenting his child.

This child will be in your home long past 18, and sounds like he will still be not-divorced then too. I'd suggest you cut your losses and move on.

Thank you for your feedback.

I learned very early on that his problems with executing discipline are rooted in receiving excessive and potentially abusive physical punishment in his childhood. SO and BM are vehemently against striking children in a disciplinary manner.

Why am I still here? I honestly don't have an answer.

Also, two things I don't understand: first, why are bio parents are told to prioritize their marriage first, yet blended families are told to prioritize the children first? If you're not prioritizlzing your marriage, regardless of the type of family you have, doesn't that make it even more difficult to maintain? And second, why are step-mothers to expected to bond with and accept step-childten as their own? Isn't that largely against nature and rather presumptuous, particularly when we're all told to allow children of divorce to work through their issues? What about our own issues?!

He doesn't have to hit her to

He doesn't have to hit her to parent effectively, I think you know that. Good parents don't hit their kids, they use other means of reward and consequence to drive and motivate change. And you aren't leaving because of her mental health challenges but because he's handling them poorly. AND because he's stringing you along in regard to the divorce.

Your SO and BM can certailny

Your SO and BM can certailny issue consequences and discipline their feral without anything physical. They are just finding excuses to not discipline their precious poopsie.

Your SO having Aspergers and putting his out of control brat first makes him unavailable to you. He will never be all-in with you. That girl is either extremely damaged and/or very manipulative and has found ways to pull all the attention onto her. Now that the hearing voices thing has come up, your SO and BM will go nuts catering to the girl's every whim to "help her."

Don't make the mistake of counting down until she's 18. She's not going anywhere. Spoiled Disney-parented kids do not meet milestones when their peers do. They become very stunted and need the coddling forever. The issue lies with the bio parents who have programmed their kid to be dependent so that Poopsie never leaves them. Your SD isn't ever going anywhere. And don't make the mistake of thinking that when she's 16, she'll meet a guy and he'll get her attention and she'll be out of the house a lot and you'll finally get your break from her. Normal teens get BFs or GFs at 16 or thereabouts. If they don't, they have friends. Disney-parented coddled CoD do not get BFs or GFs when their peers do. It's the same with any other milestone. My SD31 didn't get her first BF until she was 24.

The pants-shitting would be a deal-breaker for me. Oh hell no!!!! It's bad enough to endure a feral brat who gets put above you but to have the smell of shit and shit particles througout the house where I would come into contact with it is a deal-breaker. And trust me, you are coming into contact with fecal matter.

Your SO is not wonderful. He's not a wonderful dad and he's not a wonderful spouse. Cut him loose. I don't see anything in your post that makes living with shit and a royal bratty narcissist-in-the-making, never-launching kid worth it. You don't even get a spouse who can be all-in with you. You will not get your reward if you wait long enough or try hard enough. It just doesn't work that way.

Run like the wind!

Agree 100%

Thank you so much!

"You don't even get a spouse who can be all-in with you."

That notion has be bouncing around in my brain for ages, but never quite that succinctly. That is *exactly* my fear. Ages ago I was told that SD-11 would always come first. Which, when all the toxic attention seeking and indulgence wasn't apparent, made perfect sense. But now that I see that it's more than SD-11 coming before me--that it's BM's hysteria and SD-11's relentless attention seeking... Nope. That's not how I roll. Thank you so much for your perspective!

Lots of Red Flags here. Too many

Not divorce after eight years. Why? Running to the EXs house. Not understandable. There are phones. He wants you to be a mother to SD Why are you there. Nothing is going to change. You really think SD is going to find a boyfriend? She will never move out. You will always be behind. SD,and BM

Not Salvagable

Agree wtih others, I don't see how this situation works. The child is damaged and both parents seem unfit to handle the situation. They cannot even face the music and finalize their divorce, how are they going to parent a child with such extensive needs?

I assume you are child-free by choice (as am I). Frankly it is a poor choice to partner with someone with a young child if you don't want children yourself. At that age the children are simply too needy for the other partner to fully focus on a romantic relationship.

Glad to hear you're seeing a therapist, and I hope they help clarify your thoughts on this situation.

Good luck.

The fact that he isn't

The fact that he isn't divorced after all this makes this relationship unsustainable if you're looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship.

As it currently stands, if your SO were to fall into a coma tomorrow, BM would have the right to dictate his care and who could see him. He would be the one dividing up his estate if he were to die. She'd be the one planning his funeral. You get the picture.

You get treated as second rate because you accept being second rate. I'm not against people dating a partner who isn't divorced, but you have to have your eyes wide open about what that means for your relationship and how committed you can actually be.

That's just scratching the surface of the issues here. SD has an episode and he goes and atays AT BM's house, watching movies again like a happy little family?! Nope. That crosses a boundary. He can pack a bag and go...and stay in a hotel. Sleep in his car. Or, since they weren't planning on doing anything until the next morning anyway, just wake up super early and drive up the next day. It's not like he was up there helping BM control an out-of-control kid on the brink of suicide or homicide. He was sitting on the couch, with his ex that he is still married to, watching movies like good ol' times.

Add in SD's untreated issues (because going to a therapist doesn't fix anything unless you actually implement the changes suggested, just like seeing an oncologist doesn't treat your cancer - you have to actively take the meds for that to happen) and this is all unsustainable. And it's not unsustainable because you "don't understand because you're child-free". It's unsustainable because your SO has, time and again, made decisions that put his own comfort ahead of both you AND his child. He may not have chosen for SD to have mental health issues, but how he handles her is 100% his CHOICE. Not getting divorced after 8 YEARS is HIS CHOICE.

You seem smart and strong. You don't need this.

I will start the gofundme

For your running shoes but go! This is so many red flags and that man is colorblind.

A) You mention this 11-year

A) You mention this 11-year-old soiling herself and hiding it kind of nonchalantly. Not criticizing you, since you aren't the parent and you also don't have kids. But - why isn't your boyfriend (figuratively) shitting himself over this?! This is not normal and it needs to be addressed, not accepted! Poor girl, nobody wants to crap themselves!

B ) He's at his ex's watching a movie? He rushes over there and now chills? So much wrong with that. The whole point of rushing over was to do something. Something that needs rushing. Why is he hanging with the ex instead of taking her to the hospital? Why, if she doesn't need to be in the hospital, is he there right now?

This guy does not aound like good partner material.

Specialists have been

Specialists have been treating her condition for years. It can be attributed to a physiological problem. Believe me, I raised hell until I ran out of hell to raise. It wouldn't surprise me if it turned out to be an attention seeking mechanism as opposed to a physiological problem. As I have pointed out, I have little to no input regarding this kid.

Also, there was a multiple hour drive between the time he was made aware of the problem and the time he arrived at BM's residence. It was presented to me as SD-11 had calmed down and she wanted him to watch a movie with her. No idea where BM was at that point, nor was I involved in the decision making process regarding her medical treatment. I did not speak to, observe or have any contact whatsoever with SD-11 or BM. Obviously it was considered a family matter and I'm clearly not family.

FWIW the decision is made. I don't have the bandwidth for this. It sure as hell ain't like I don't have my own life to deal with.

Nope, couldn't, and wouldn't,

Nope, couldn't, and wouldn't, do it. I would have been gone a long time ago.

As a woman who doesn't have

As a woman who doesn't have kids and who has just broken up with a single dad, I have an idea of where you're at mentally

I do think while we're knee deep in our relationships with single parents that we're not quite understanding what a battle it is and we won't allow ourselves to realize we could be so much happier with another child free person...if we just let go and move on

Your relationship seems to be one of little rewards but you're so used to the druggery (as I was) that you don't really see how miserable you are...and you won't until you leave. It will be at that point that you'll thank your lucky stars for finally seeing the light

From what I've seen the only relationships that work between child free people and parents are when the child free person really loves their partner's kid and is all in with being a stepparent. Because when you date someone with a kid, you can't just have the parent without the kid ( I tried that). That child will be the forever thorn in your side no matter how hard you try to maintain your relationship with your partner aside from the kid. Children penerate relationships. You can't keep them out. Which is why when you don't like the kid or they're causing too many issues...it will all seep into your relationship and essentially ruin it

I can't stand my exSS5. He's a little s**t and if I stayed with my now ex, I swear I'd end up in jail. And thus, my realtionship didn't work out because I don't like his kid. You don't seem like you like your SD and most people wouldn't either but...don't expect to have a happy relationship if that's the case. I also didn't want anything to do with parenting another person's kid. Ummmm, no. No one else's kid is going to inconvience me ever again.

And yes, step parenting is unnatural. We're just supposed to take our place on the back burner, somehow grow to 'love' a little brat who's ironically causing undo stress on our relationship and probably will be the demise of it but yup! Put that smile on! Lol. I can come up with a list of things I'd rather do than be a single dad's side piece ever again and it's not a pleasant list. But just know, that kid will win over you every single time. She will out run you. She will come first and there is no changing that no matter what you do. I thought I could make more room for myself with my ex but God was I wrong. I tried everything. Nope, you'll be Ms. 2nd. and she will be Ms. 1st. And yes, it won't be fun.

And the dude isn't even divorced...not good.

You sound like a well spoken woman...do better for yourself and move on xoxo

Welcome, I hope that you find

Welcome, I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.

Like you, I am child free. At least BK free. You mentioned in a response comment that spouses in intact families are advised to prioritize the adult relationship/marriage above all else including the kids. BINGO! Any prior breeder who tells their new mate that "my kids will always come first" needs to be on the hunt for a new mate while the person who just ended it moves on to a mate of quality rather than the kid worshipping idiot they just ended it with.

My DW and I agreed early that we would be equity life partners and that also made us equity parents to any kids in our home/marriage regardless of kid biology. SS is an only child in our marriage. DW and I raised him together.

As for the shitting herself. Sigh. IMHO this is attention seeking. It is also a prime contributor to her lack of friends and her recent BFF jumping ship. SD-11 is at the stage where her nasty stench and crap in her undies will be met with brutal consequences applied by her peers. My SS went through a bed wetting phase when he was a couple of years younger than your SD. So... we addressed it with him in discussion. He swore it would not happen again. So, the next time we put him in a diaper. We timed it so he spent all weekend in a diaper with the clear message that he would wear that diaper to school on Monday. Sunday evening he came to us in underwear after showering and told us that he got the message and the diaper was no longer necessary. That weekend he wore the diaper in public, etc.... Public humiliation can be a great tool for driving home a message and modifying this kind of behavior. We told him that was great, but that if he wet himself again he was going to wear the wet underwear on his head. He laughed, gave us a hug, and went to bed. We never had another incident.

Sadly with the idiot parents that she has, this kid is far more likely than not a lost cause.

I am fortunate that my bride is intelligent, a great parent, and an incredible partner. I try to be nothing less for her and for our son (my Skid). We met when SS-28 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. If your partner was equity life partner material he would not struggle with the concept that as his equity life partner you are also an equity parent to any children in your relationship. Regardless of kid biology.

Beyond the 11yo shit beast SD, the enmeshment with his not yet XW, hanging out at her home, etc, etc, etc... is way past inappropriate.

Do yourself a favor and put him and his entire failed family mess to the curb. Be good to you and find a worthy partner.

Good luck.

Gonna be thanking you for this for years.

"If your partner was equity life partner material he would not struggle with the concept that as his equity life partner you are also an equity parent to any children in your relationship. Regardless of kid biology."

THIS. This right here. Committed, long-term, healthy, successful relationships do not work without equity. What's kept me from bolting on SD-11 up to this point was that I had similar issues with self-esteem as a child and I had some silly notion that I could contribute to her life in a positive way. And *maybe* I could have if that advice was put to me years ago (and properly applied in the relationship). At this point, there's been too much exclusion and conflict directed at me.

I've seen the comment that "love isn't enough" on this forum more times than I can count. Truer words have never been spoken. It's not even that I don't like SD-11 on a personal level, because in some ways I actually do. What I cannot and will not continue to deal with is her behavior and the defensive BS from SO. I have been trying to be helpful for so long with no success that I'm done trying. Not to mention I have my own crap to deal with! And if anyone has the audacity to say I didn't put forth the effort, they can sod right off.

Thanks again to all for the feedback, perspectives, and straight up reality checks. Blessings, health and happiness to all.

No matter how well

No matter how well intentioned a SParent may be, we cannot care more than the BioParents when it comes to the type of crap you are dealing with regarding your SD-11 and her failed father. Particularly the parent we are mated with. When our mate is an equity life partner and supports the SParent in being an equity parent great things can result for the SKids in the mix, for the adult relationship, and for both partners. When the partner remains dedicated to parental failure and discounting the SParent there is a point when beating a dead horse no longer makes sense. Regardless of what advantages we may bring for the SKid.

Be good to you.

You are here

I'm child-free. He isn't.