It will never be about Us, will it?
A little background- I have been with my SO for almost 10 years. He has 3 children, son that is 26, son that is in college, and a daughter that is high school age. I do not have children nor have I ever wanted to do so. We are not married- primarily my choice but he is fine with the choice. The kids have always been as easy as kids can possibly be- seriously- I jokingly refer to them as the Stepford Children. I have never in 10 years disciplined any of the children and have always refused to do so; I have always behaved toward them much like an aunt. In the rare instances over the years where I felt discipline or direction was needed, I spoke with my SO and he dealt with it. I do participate in quality time with the kids and have always helped to provide care for them. I would say there is mutual respect and genuine caring between me and the children, but never has there been love.
Anyway, moving on to the point. My own family is not located where we live and I have always wanted to move someplace with more agreeable weather. I have stayed where I am due to my relationship with SO. We get along very well- there really are no significant relationship problems between us. Staying here, with him, has always been ok because the “light at the end of the tunnel” has always been the knowledge that someday (and soon, youngest has 2 years left of high school), our lives would be able to be about US- not dependent on his kids.
Recently, my SO’s oldest, 26 year old son, has been experiencing some significant mental health issues. Basically, I thought we were “done” with that one and now he is very much a focal point in my SO’s life (as is expected given the circumstances). What this has made me realize is how incredibly naïve and silly I was to think that there would be a someday where I/Us would be the center of his life. There is no longer a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m thinking of leaving the relationship. I feel like I knowingly enlisted for 10 years; I did not enlist for a life sentence of having my life revolve around his kids.
Thoughts or guidance?
Well, an adult child with
Well, an adult child with mental health issues should NOT be the center of his life. He can care, be concerned, and help as needed, but putting him front and center isn't necessary. Honestly, you should have been pretty close to center for the last 10 years. Yes, kids will take his time and energy, but he shouldn't have put you last. Do his children not have a mother?
On Tuesday there was a pist
On Tuesday there was a post about waiting for "your turn". Shouldn't be to hard to find. You need to decide how much more to invest in others over investing in yourself. Returns in others never outearn investing in yourself. 10 years is a long time to wait. Are you willing to take a chance on moving forward alone? Are you willing to come back here in ten years complaining about wasting 20 years and still be waiting?
DH and boundaries
Although there's not a ton to go on here, I suspect that his children's relatively good behavior suggests that he has parented them well? Or do they tend to be passive about conflict? I also wonder if your partner is passive about conflict as well. It's great that your relationship is so smooth, but to go that long without a single fight? I don't think you need to give up your future or your plans are your goals, but I think you should talk with your partner a lot more about what that looks like. Maybe this is in therapy or maybe you have solid communication in general and can speak about it. It sounds like perhaps right now he is very focused on the child with issues, so maybe a conversation about the future will just be stressful. It doesn't all need to happen in one conversation, but I feel you do get to speak up about what you want for your future and how you're feeling. Nothing has to be solved right this minute.
I agree with tog above that parents should provide support and care, but also there should be boundaries in that. Some of my questions above about conflict are also about those boundaries. Sometimes people will not want to make waves or make someone else unhappy and so there's a lot of passive negotiation around conflict. Without knowing more about the mental health concerns, it's also hard to say. The past year has been really hard on many people's mental health, and perhaps things will get better for that kid.
on the one hand, of course the kids were around forever, but also, yes, you were not wrong to think that after the launch your relationship is more focused on the two of you, or should be. But I would definitely find a way to open that ongoing dialogue.
Also, adults with mental
Also, adults with mental illness need to be encouraged to be independent and solve their own problems, just as an adult child without mental illness would be. Falling back on a parent's care is not always helpful for them. So he can be a support person but can encourage his son to seek services on his own and care for himself.
DH and I don't live anywhere
DH and I don't live anywhere near our kids, or even other family. Closest is his sister about 5 hours away, and we haven't seen her in over a year (COVID).
This makes day-to-day living delicious. BUT it hasn't prevented his kids from overstepping, mini-wife expectations, financial support, enmeshment, etc. Geography won't automatically fix your situation. Fortunately, we're through with most of that and our life is peaceful.
You should be the center of his life NOW, while still providing for his kids' needs.
No partner or marriage is the
No partner or marriage is the center of a prior failed family parent's life if the new partner does not demand it or tolerate anything else.
Support for an adult SKid has to be within an acceptable situation for the partner of the bioparent. Even with minor Skids, the situation must be compliant to that partner's requirements for behavior, performance, and parenting.
When that platform is demanded on day one when curve balls show up they are far more often than not effectively addressed in a way that does not jeopardize the relationship or the quality of life and happiness for the SParent in the adult relationship.
I would advise that you stand on the structure that has resulted in your relationship success for nearly 10 years. Be your partners mate, provide him with moral support regarding his mentally ill adult son, but.... be assertive in your insistance that adult SS cannot jeopardize your home, your happiness, or the relationship you share with your SO.
Good luck.
It is cyclical
I've been married the same amount of time you have been together. We have 4 adult kids between us now. It's about you unless one of the kids turn to their parent for help. Some parents watch grandkids as much as the parents do. Some have adult kids move back in. Some are still paying their cell phones bill (like DH paying SS26 bill who makes more money than I do and drives a brand new car). Now DH has no desire to be a babysitter of his grandkids so we don't spend time like that but if there is a problem with one of them he tries to fix it for them. One of my SS spent a year in our home depressed and playing video games. It was hard on me because I saw no effort to encourage him to recover. As I started withdrawing and being depressed myself DH had a talk with him and he got an apartment, job, and went back to school. He is doing great now but the mental health issue is underlying I feel sure. I thought when they went to college and beyond issues would mostly disappear. Day to day they did but when they come up it is more serious and stressful as adults. So far my kids are very independent but if they have kids someday I will be traveling a lot to see them. I know he won't want me gone alone but will he want to go? We will see!
When you say "focal point",
When you say "focal point", what exactly do you mean? I can understand that if his son suddenly started showing symptoms of schizophrenia that he would temporarily be preoccupied while he helped his son navigate into care. That seems like a reasonable response, just like if one of his children suddenly got into a car accident or developed cancer.
If, however, you're saying your SO is looking at restructuring his life to accommodate his son, that's very different. That is a good reason to bow out of the relationship.
Even if this is an acute situation, if the realization that, yes, even as adults his kids will sometimes be prioritized (just like your SO's parents, siblings, future grandchildren, or good friends might be) drains you of your happiness, then perhaps you should leave.
I think before you make any big decision, though, that you should talk to your SO about his intentions. He may really be bummed that he's being pulled away right now, but he may have a plan to take this off his plate and put it elsewhere sooner rather than later. If he has a plan to divest himself from the situation in, say, 3 months, is that doable for you? Or is it truly the prospect that he'll have others to potentially care for in the future that is pushing you to disconnect from him?
If it's the latter, I would also encourage you to look at your own wants and needs and see if you're being too unrealistic or unfair. If your sibling or parent suddenly had the same, or similar severity, issue, would you rush off to help them until they were on the mend? If you would, what makes it an acceptable behavior for you but not for him?
That's not me accusing you of being unfair or selfish. Sometimes, when we are dealing with our own feelings about a situation, we don't take a step back to look at a situation as a whole. We don't ask ourselves whether we would react the same if we wore someone else's shoes. Being reminded to do that can help us see clearly and make the best decision for ourselves.
Think over this situation from every angle you can and ask yourself if you'd behave differently. Even if you wouldn't, if the fact that this could have not once, but three times is too much, then start planning your exit.
As Long As SO continues to be the "rescue ranger" to his "kids"
doesn't WANT TO FACILITATE CHANGE, he will NOT.
It will be a life sentence if you choose to marry him.
What you're seeing now is a foreshadowing of what you'll be in for the duration of your married life, should you choose to move to the next level in this SO relationship.
You don't have kids for a reason, therefore anyone else's kids, SO or not, are NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, nor are you to be seated firmly in the back seat.
My hat is off to you for taking this slowly, even though it's been 10 years, you hate to close the door on the relationshp and "start over" with relationship "Go Fish" but it's far better than what awaits you and your future should you stay.