love my niece and nephews but the SKs . . .
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I'm CF by a very deliberate series life decisions. My sister made up for my lack of with four amazing little ones who I just adore spending time with, but man, I cannot stand my SS9 and SD6. My DH has taken notice, and I know it hurts his feelings. I just feel like my single-mom sister is doing a great job raising polite, respectful, and sweet kiddos all on her own, but my DH and his BM are stuggling to raise two kids who can barely get through a visit a couple hours long without a crying fit or some other ridiculous meltdown. Does anyone else love kids but dislike their SKs?
I don't think your feelings
I don't think your feelings are unusual. It's hard to love, or even like, an unlikeable kid, and some children are not raised to be likeable. Does your DH see and understand the difference between the behavior of your sister's kids and his kids, or is he too busy having his feelings hurt?
he knows ish
He gets upset initially, but after processing, he will usually agree with me. It's a sensitive topic, but he knows his kids are difficult. He will comment that I'm lucky I don't have to be there for visits. He'll refer to his visits as an obligation more often then not. For example, last week SD6 cried for almost an hour straight because one of the other kids moved one of the stuffed animals she was playing with. I stayed out of it as I am doing my best to practice disengagement. When DH came back from dropping SKs off an home, he told me that he just couldn't handle them any longer. He was very frustrated because both SKs cried all the way home. DH has said mutiple times that he doesn't think he could handle them for any over nights or even more than the few hours two days a week he sees them now. He knows but the parent guilt is strong.
I'm a teacher. I thoroughly
I'm a teacher. I thoroughly enjoy my job and working with kids. They're so much fun!
Not the same with my SD10. She doesn't listen to authority, constantly negative/complains, and is rude/unappreciative. I blame her Bio Parents. My DH used to also get his feelings hurt... this is when he was in his denial stage and thought his daughter was a perfect angel. Well not lately. We moved into a neighborhood with a TON of families and kids (about 3 years ago) and can spot the differences mile away now. He easily sees that how SD acts isn't "normal" for her age.
Same here I like kids but can
Same here I like kids but can't stand being around my stepdaughter. I think the thing is with nieces and nephews or your friends kids or kids in general there isn't pressure other than to just get along and have fun with them. With step kids you are being judged by both bio parents your in-laws, society.... It's just not fun and not free when you have eyes on you. Then there's all the baggage that comes with them like them existing because your so made a stupid decision when they were younger.
raising family
My sister is also raising my nephews and niece very similar to how I think I would raise kids of my own. Maybe that's not a very fair statement because I don't have kids or want kids, but I'd like to think it's true. I feel like she has a good balance of love and disipline; freedom and boundaries. With the SKs, it's ALL about freedom. Those kids have no boundaries and no rules. They seem completely shocked when I enforce the rules at my sister's house. DH and BM almost walk on egg shells around their kids. They will both bend over backwards to keep from upsetting them and will do anything when they are upset, which is entirely too often. Constantly. I can't remember a visit where one child or the other, but usually both, have cried.
Some people are highly tuned
Some people are highly tuned to identify kid behavioral crap. Others are immune to it and see even ill behaved toxic spawn through rose colored glasses.
THe former can see a clear difference between well behaved children, and ill behaved feral failed breeding experiments.
The later go down the "but their just kids" rat hole.
THe parents that create the ill behaved children, will defend their nasty children to the hilt. Successful parents who raise well behaved children never let their kids pull any of the behavioral crap to begin with. Or at the very least their kids only try it once.
blows my mind . . .
What really blows my mind is that BOTH BM and DH complain about how difficult their kids are. BM will call DH in the middle of the day and ask him to pick up the kids because she can't handle them and needs break. I can appreciate a mom needing a break, but wouldn't it be easier to stop rewarding your children's bad behaviot instead? After mentioning this to DH multiple times before we got married, I decided that the best way for me to deal is to disengage. I can't change the behavior of these kids. It's been difficult to stick to disengagement, but also a huge freedom from the stress of the situation.
You sound a lot like me!
You sound a lot like me!
I do love kids - without romanticizing them. I don't see them as angelic creatures. But I can appreciate them for what they are.
I have a nephew and five nieces and love and adore all of them. I've been there from day one and always had good relationships with them.
SS10 is spoiled, entitled, obnoxious, and coddled. I've tried but he's not in the least receptive. He just doesn't show much interest or enthusiasm with anyone.
My sisters' kids are far from perfect. But they're funny, full of personality, and their parents are quick to jump on it when they misbehave. They seem to have good heads on their shoulders. DH and BM will gripe about SS's behavior or attitude but do nothing about it out of either laziness or fear of upsetting him.
As noted above, the lack of expectations can play a big role. With the other kids, I can just be the fun, loving aunt. No pressure. Also there was the important early-life bonding time that just isn't there with SKs (unless you're there for infancy).
"fear of upsetting him."
This! So much this! My DH and BM just lose their minds if the SKs cry. BM has cancelled birthday party plans with her family, driven across town at all hours, excused the SKs from school (and that's just the stuff I know about) just becuase one child or the other was crying. 1. It's easier for me to remember the times I've seen with the kids when the haven't cried. They cry ALL. THE. TIME. 2. DH and BM are constantly rewarding that behavior. Both DH and BM complain about how difficult the children are to parent. It's becuase you're so afraid of them being upset and they know it! They know if they're not getting what they want, all they have to do is "get upset" and cry. Parenting isn't preventing your kids from ever being upset; it's raising functional, productive adults who can contribute to society. Those adults can't meltdown and cry at any sign of adversity.
My parents had, in many ways,
My parents had, in many ways, a hands-off approach. They were very loving, involved and supportive, but they also believed in leaving us to handle disappointment and personal problems ourselves. We could talk to them about things but we knew they weren't going to rescue us or step in unless it was a serious issue.
When my youngest sister was 12, she and another girl at church and school were having some trouble. The other girl's mom came to my mom all worried. "What do we do?!?" My mom just said "Do? We do nothing. They'll work it out." Sure enough, they're friends to this day.
When SS got assigned the teacher he didn't want for 3rd grade, you would have thought someone had lost a job or the house had fallen down. BM was about to go complain to the principal. Before school even started. I told DH that SS had probably just heard she assigns a lot of homework or an older kid who had a bad day said something. Guess what? She ended up being SS's favorite teacher so far.
They practically fall all over themselves to rescue him that I fear he'll have no clue how to deal with the real world. No wonder he cries at every correction or every time things don't go his way.
I feel bad for not liking him. It's not his fault. But still.
It is in all likelihood about
IT is in all likelihood about how your niece and nephew behave Vs how your Skid's behave.
Do not compare them in discussion with your SO. Just focus on the behaviors and when his kids have a melt down in your home, send them to their rooms where they can stay until they figure their shit out.
Lather......rinse.......repeat.
Just tell your SO that you will not tolerate that behavior in your presence so his kids can either behave, or be somewhere that you are not.
Keep it simple.
lather, rinse, repeat
Loving this mantra!
This subject just gets really complicated, as with so many things in life. I make efforts to stay away from SKs as much as possible. It seems like we get into a disagreement, if not about the SKs then about BM, almost every time I do see them. I do not make the same efforts to stay away from the children in my family. In fact, I help my sister out as much as possible. He's starting to take notice. Earlier today, he tried to tell me that we either have no kids in our life or all the kids in our life. No exceptions for my sister's kids. Of course, that quickly turned into a disagreement. I will never give up my family just becuase he's made choices that do not include his children in our life, even if that choice was to marry me. I've been trying to avoid direct comparisions between the two sets of children in our conversations, especially in our disagreements, but today, DH made it impossible.
I think you will find this
I think you will find this relationship to be non-lasting honestly. Yes, one of the reasons you love your niece/nephews more is because they aren't ahole misbehaved brats. That said, the link you have with them being your genetics also plays a factor. It's no comparison. It's easy to love your 'own' but liking a kid your guy made with another woman? Not so much. Women are way weirder that way. I think it's completely natural to feel the rejection or dislike for his other offspring, I really do. I think if we stopped demonizing women for feeling this very natural way, we would all be happier.
I had a bit of an epiphany
I had a bit of an epiphany while catching up on this thread. You and your sister likely were raised consistently by your own parents. Your sister far more likely than not raises her own kids in a similar manner to how you and she were raised.
I would reply to his all or no kids crap with "How about we will have well behaved kids in our life together. Those that are not well behaved, will not have a place in our lives."
That puts the onus on him to parent his kids to a standard where their behavior allows them a place in your lives.
So, your niece/nephew