Feelings of abandonment
Hi everyone,
I'm new here, thanks for having me. Was getting desperate and just need some advice and validation that I'm not too crazy,
A bit of background info:
I have been with my partner for 1 year and 3 months, officially. He has 3 children who he has part-time custody of. He has a respectful relationship with his ex.
I have always worked with kids and enjoyed the responsibilities and relationships I've had with them. I was very close to my niece who I have had a very limited relationship with for the past 3 years due to a previous relationship ending. Since experiencing the grief of losing the relationship with my niece, I have found it difficult to form close relationships with children outside of work due to fear of losing those relationships again. So it was a big deal to meet my partner's children.
I also don't want children of my own for the last 5+ years and prioritize independence and travel. I naively thought being with a man with children would be easier as it would remove any pressure of marriage or myself having children.
Current issues:
It's getting to a point in our relationship where we're considering living together. I am battling with myself because I've been struggling with feelings of abandonment from my partner. In all my previous relationships I have had equal priorities. In this relationship, the children come first. In a past life when I wanted children I believed the relationship needs to be prioritized (obviously not to the detriment of children), but I hate seeing couples lose the passion and love after children or once the youngest child leaves home they separate.
My partner is fully aware of how I feel and why, we have good communication. I just don't know what do next. We have made pro's and con's and discussed house rules, how I can have space when I need it, budgeting, sex life etc. I just keep thinking I can't do this but don't really know why or what to do to make it easier. Obviously, I'm exploring therapy for myself but reaching out as wait times are hectic.
Thank you,
Pmaaaad
Keep dating him but..
Keep dating him but don't move in. See how he is over time. There is no rush. Your unconscious sees something and is warning you to go slow.
It might seem to make financial sense to live together but I don't think you will be sorry if you hold off. Good luck.
Thanks. I definitely am
Thanks. I definitely am leaning towards that option. I have to move anyway in August and I'll probably move closer to him but not move in with him. Or I was considering move into a place that he can afford on his own so if I leave shortly after it won't impact the kids and his life as much. I feel like if I don't give it a go I will always make another excuse not to.
Keep going to therapy
Therapy will help you sort it out. Again, no rush. Read around on here. There are many wise people and some cautionary tales. Lol.
It may just be that this isn
It may just be that this isn't the right relationship for you. If you are the type to feel abandoned in the relationship when your partner is spending time with his children, you're going to spend a lot of time feeling abandoned. 3 kids can monopolize a lot of time, especially when they're only with their dad part time.
I would proceed cautiously. Have you spent much time with his children when they're with him? I would not move in with him until I had seen his parenting over a significant period of time and I was satisfied that his kids are well behaved and normal and that they accept that you are in his life. Would you be moving in to a home he already owns or rents by himself, so that you would not need to sign a lease or otherwise tie yourself to living with him for an entire year if things don't work out?
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I definitely feel he as a person is what I want, my issue is figuring out if lifestyle differences outweigh that or not.
I've never felt abandoned in this type of dynamic before. And I've spent a decent amount of time with him and the children. Have a relationship with the kids and they're all 'normal' and polite, friendly and fun. There's definitely difference in parenting styles but that's something we've spoken about as well.
I'm not making a decision on living arrangements until August. We've got a plan until then to see how it goes e.g. even more time as a whole group, a weekend away all together etc.
And we would definitely be moving into a new house together so it feels like both our homes and initially it would be a 6 month lease or a house he could afford to keep on his own if I left.
Something else..
One thing people talk about on Steptalk (usually talking about a man) is asking, " Has he done the work?" What they mean is, does he have his time with the kids ironed out. Does he have a custody agreement, is he following it with minimal BM trouble, does he have a place for the kids to come to, does he have the nevessary things, like beds, refrigerator. Do the kids come over with no trouble, does he have reasonable behavior expectations that he enforces, do the kids seem ok, are they well-behaved
You will have time to judge these things. Only once a dad has these things ironed out is he ready for a new relationship (experience has taught us).
Thank you. Yes, from what I
Thank you. Yes, from what I have seen and experienced in the last year plus, both parents are doing the work and have things sorted very well compared to a lot of families I come across in my work.
But obviously this will be something I monitor in an ongoing basis. Especially as we plan to spend even more time together as the 5 of us. Before living together of course, if we ever do.
Kids should NOT come first
Kids should NOT come first all the time. I don't know who coined it, but the expression here is that kid's needs come first, but not their wants. He should be making spending time with you an importance as well as doing things with his kids.
Also when you feel ready to
Also when you feel ready to move in together. DO NOT move into his place. New us, new start. Otherwise, you will never feel at home & always seen as the invader who changed everything by the kids.
Nope.
Never, and I do mean NEVER, enter into a relationship with a person who puts anything above the adult relationship. That includes children. He has done you a favor and let you know that you don't matter and his kids do.
Believe him, and move on.
In an equity adult partnership commited relationship the relationship and the partners are the uncontested priority to both partners. Children are the top relationship responsibility but not the priority. That is how quaity adult relationships work even in intact initial families. In failed family situations the former partners tend to carry baggage from the failed family into their future relationships. Few who have that background seem to be able to learn from their past relationship mistakes and can make their new partner and the relationship their priority. Far too many of the new partners recognize the baggage that their new partner is carrying and seemingly more often than not go into it with the one big happy family Brady Bunch or Yours Mine & Ours delusion.
Don't put yourself through the hell of a relationship with a man who will not put you first... always.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Don't do it
Don't move forward with the relationship if you feel you're not his priority. I unfortunately made the mistake and am married to one that puts his adult daughter before me regardless of the situation. She's autistic, so I understand there are times in which he might have a reason but the longer we're married the more he gives into her and our relationship has turned into one in which I feel like a third wheel more times than not. I can promise you that the longer you are together the more it will become an issue unless you communicate your needs and he agrees and shows proof that he's willing.
Men get comfortable in their surroundings and most aren't willing to upset that comfort, especially when it comes to their children.
Good luck !
Hi, welcome to the site!
Keep doing what you're doing but don't rush into moving in together just yet. It's great that you have open communication and are weighing the pros and cons. If you feel like he's abandoning you it's not gonna get any better when you're living together. The childrens' needs will always come first but you need to be able to count on him as a partner as well. He understands why you feel the way you do but is he doing anything to change that? You seem like a very smart and logical person so please don't rush into living together unless you are completely comfortable with it.
Thank you everyone for the
Thank you everyone for the advice so far. We've had a huge talk and both spoken about things we're going to do differently for this relationship. We're also not moving in together but as I have to move regardless, I'm moving closer to him so we can spend more time as a blended family to really see how things go.
Great plan. Make you sure you
Great plan. Make you sure you give it at least a year!
Biggest mistake I made was
Biggest mistake I made was moving in together before all the issues with SKs and SOs parenting were resolved.
In my defense I didn't even know the the level of issues that existed until we cohabitated.
It's a lot harder to deal with and try and fix problems that exist after the fact.
Just like having a baby to save a relationship never works. Pushing forward with commitment will not fix the problems either.
I naively believed that providing SKs a stable loving environment would make things better. I was blinded by the honeymoon period of how great SKs were and how happy they seemed when they would come and stay on weekends. Stupid me!!!