Should I get out now?
Been with BF for a year. Both divorced, both have two young children from our marriages. My children's father is not involved right now, so they are with me/us all of the time. He has 50/50 custody of his kids. When he doesn't have his kids, he basically lives with me. We also spend most of our time together when he has his children, but he has his own residence. He wants to marry and move in together and blend our families and I feel I need/want to make a decision if this is a dynamic I can ever be happy in. Everything I read on blended families makes them sound impossible, and we are already having a bunch of the issues people describe. I endured his entire divorce (he told me it was finalized before we started dating, it wasn't until 6 months in) and that caused issues between us. He still struggles immensely with not having his kids all of the time. I feel this is compounded by us always having my kids. He lets his kids do whatever they want to make his time with them special, and always feels guilty he's not with them all of the time. There are no consistent rules, boundaries, etc. He has an almost weird addoration of his DD and she gets away with murder (not his DS, he actually admits to loving her more, which I can't understand). His DD is difficult (I think in part because of this), to the point where there have been several issues at school with her behavior. On the other hand, his rules and expectations for my children are very strict. He is overall good to them, and has been a positive figure in their lives as their dad has not been around this past year, but he expects a lot of them. I am ok with this, because I think it's been a good thing for them as I've noticed improvement in their behavior since he has been in their lives, and close friends and family have pointed this out as well. My kids are very well mannered and behaved and when it's just us and my kids, things are calm and we are able to spend some time focususing on our relationship. When his kids are with us, it's utter chaos and me and our relationship are always pushed to the back burner. His kids come first every second of every day. And that's tough for me, and makes me resentful, because I try hard to prioritize our relationship and not always put my kids first. I think that's crucial for a relationship to be successful. He also has extremely high expectations of me in terms of his kids. He wants me to be a mother figure to them, super affectionate and loving and I'm just not there yet. I have told him this nicely many times and he says he understands but I still feel this pressure. I don't put any pressure or expectations on him with my kids. I let their relationship by what it is. Sometimes he is loving towards them, other times he is more withdrawn. I let it be what it is. I get that's it's difficult. I can't get over this nagging feeling telling me to get out or I'll be miserable. I love him very deeply, but is it going to matter if I'm completely unhappy in our dynamic. Should I get out now and try and find someone with out an ex and kids? Is that hypocritical since I'm divorced with kids? I don't think I'm cut out for it. Are there any positive stories of blended families where everyone is truly happy or is this going to be a giant mistake!?
Well, at the very least, he
Well, at the very least, he has to agree to have more rules and structure for his kids before you move in or even think of marrying. So maybe start by discussing that and see where you get.
There is no doubt that blended families are tough, but they are a lot tougher if your parenting styles aren't similar, it would seem.
I want to say run
I want to say run because I always want to say run. My DH is awesome and golden below the belly button or I might not have stuck around. But here's the thing I've learned is that boundaries matter and get met or there's no next step. I made DH read books on blended families (love Stepmonster and one by an author with the last name Papernow). I made him fill out excel spreadsheets of what schedules and holidays and discipline and chores and all of that would look like. Not because I want to be a giant love killer but we have to agree on house rules before sharing a house. We have to have similar parenting values before asking someone to take on parenting tasks. And in general dudes seem entirely unrealistic and all the labor is out on women (and this is largely a heterosexual paradigm, though there are spouses in same-sex couples here where the dynamic is similar). But it's fair to say I won't move in until we get similar dinner time rules and bedtime routines down in our separate homes. It's fair to say you don't want to get married until you get past the two year window where most blended families break up. If he pressures you or says it will all work out, this is garbage with hot sauce on it and don't believe it. Make a plan. Even if you have to be flexible he NEEDS to show he can step up and parent and work to problem solve issues with you. If he says you're overreacting or be the bigger person, shut it down. Don't accept being minimized.
Thanks for the good
Thanks for the good suggestions. He actually read and recommended that I read a step parenting book, which I did start reading. He is willing to put the effort in which is a good thing, but I see a major lack of actual follow through from him. I guess I'm debating if he's worth the enormous effort I know it will be to make it all work.
Two different parenting
Two different parenting styles are the root of your problem. It's one that is hardly overcome without consistency, determination and realizing that kids grow up and leave the nest and that all parenting should serve that goal. Right now your man wants to be the nice guy and raise a daughter no man in his right mind would marry.
Put some goals in place about routines and better structure for HIS kids. In fact, back off and let him parent by himself for awhile to see if he can do it. If he can't or won't, date him but do not put your kids in that kind of pressure cooker. They will resent him , the skids and mostly YOU if they are limited with structure and the skids are not. He has no idea what it's like to be a single parent. He wants you to slide in and take over. Don't do it. You will lose years to dysfunction. Your kids are in the right path , keep them on it. That's your job.
Thanks I needed to hear this.
Thanks I needed to hear this. I totally agree. Sometimes I worry that I'm being silly worrying so much about stuff like this and I don't really talk to anyone (except my BF) about these concerns so it's good to hear from others that my concerns are a big deal and this could end up being a major issue for my two kids.
i lived with DH for 5 years
i lived with DH for 5 years and over a year ago he and his brat moved out of my house as our two parenting styles were so different and it never worked. My son who is now 19, is well mannered , humble and polite, i instilled this into him from as soon as he could barely walk,, although still living at home with me , he has launched and doing very well with an engineering apprenticeship and lovely girlfriend,,, the one thing i want to point out is,, this all still happened after the death of my husband and his father over 10 years ago,,,,regardless of the trauma , he was still parented properly and turned him into the lovely young man he is growing into. On the other side of things,,, the spoilt little entilited brat that my exDH is raising and parenting out of divorce daddy guilt is becoming the complete opposite . lying stealing , vandilising , manipulating bullying , massive seperation anxiety problems at 13 turing 14 are just some of the long list of issues with bad parenting,,,, this kid still has both parents alive and well yet displays terrible entilited behaviour. This is the way your future is heading if you dont put your foot down now. In regards to your BF being strict and a different set of your rules for your children ,, i would certainly not allow this whatsoever until he can apply the same set of rules and discipline for his own brats. You do NOT have to mother his children or be maternal in any way to them and there is no problem in you saying so as you are only his GF,, not nanny , not wife. It does sound like he expects you top simply slot into that role , most likey to take all pressure off him . put him in the pressure cooker ,, dont let him have rules for your children if he cant follow them with his own kids !
It's not just the parenting.
It's not just the parenting. If,when his kids are around, he puts you on a back burner, if he ignores you, if he cannot treat you like the part of the family that he wants you to be the rest of the time, he has no business being in a full-time adult relationship. Why should you be treated as if you didn't exist for half the time? That's not the way it works. I wouldn't settle for that.
Yes, that's how I feel.
Yes, that's how I feel.
Things don't "get better"
Things don't "get better" after you agree to blend families if the issues described above are already in play. They get worse, much worse. It becomes a constant problem juggling exercise and after you think you've gotten on top of one, another crops up. Rather than blend and then figure out how to fix the mess why not fix the mess first so you can see if blending is possible?
The part of your post that I
The part of your post that I'm stuck on is your SO admitting that he loves his DD more than his DS and that he has a strange adoration for his DD. As a veteran SM of a mini-wife on steroids, I can't even begin to tell you the bloody soul-destroying hell it is. Search in the search bar for "mini-wife" and see if any of the posts on that resonate with you. Nevermind the two sets of standards for his kids vs. your kids, the mini-wife crap is literally taumatizing.
I've heard the term before
Yes
Follow your gut
Follow your gut. Dont look back several years from now all miserable and say "I should have followed my gut" Follow it NOW
I picked up how he favors the SD. Let me tell you this dynamic will kill you to the core. Wait til she is older and you will feel like there is another woman in your marriage, because there will be.
Save yourself, and save your childrens self esteem.
If you are asking that
If you are asking that question, you already know the answer.
Trust yourself.
Leave.
Blending two families is hard
Blending two families is hard. Really hard when the two parenting styles are so different (and one parent is not actually parenting). Plus, your relationship started on a lie.
If his kids come first, every second of the day, he should not be in a relationship. Also, it is an unrealistic expectation for you to be their mother figure, they have a mother. And you have your own kids to tend to.
He has an almost weird adoration of his DD
This ^^^ is what can create a mini wife, which means she will ALWAYS come between the two of you. You will NEVER be his priority.
Yes, get out, now.