Advice Needed
Hi all,
sorry it's long, just really need some advice! I am in a same sex relationship with my partner of 2 years. We have been living together for 1 year and we have her 2 kids from her previous marriage 50/50 an 8 year old boy and 4 year old girl, I have no children of my own but we plan to in the future. I was raised in 2 stepfamilies since before I can remember and have experienced both dynamics - my mother and stepfather were very much equal parents and when I would stay at my fathers every other weekend my stepmother played more of a mentor role. Prior to moving in my partner and I discussed which dynamics she would like and I was open to either. She said that she wanted us to be equal and this is also my preferred dynamic. I get along quite well with the kids and feel I take on 30 percent of the responsibilities: school pick up, laundry, doing activities with the kids etc. and am happy to do equal 50/50 with my partner. I don't necessarily have any issues with the children overall they are good kids and I don't expect them to see me as equal to their mother. I do expect more from my partner, as she is the one who is fully aware of my attempts to take on the responsibilities of a parent as she has requested. My issue is that I am completely new to parenting, I expected my partner to talk to me about what she expects from me, my thoughts on house rules and a general discussion about how the kids, herself and I were doing with this new scenario which has never happened. I don't feel I should be the one to initiate these discussions as I don't feel it is my place. I don't have any input from her in how I should deal with certain scenarios from the children I am unsure of. I feel that I am here to do the responsibilities of parenting (not discipline) but am not a parent. There are several behaviours that I have not said anything about that I disagree with. There is one behaviour that I cannot handle and is driving myself crazy. The 8 year old has a very bad temper and I feel my partner does not do anything about it. Her strategy is to talk to him and despite his temper getting worse she insists it is working. It is the only thing I really have an issue with and when I have said I feel that she needs to punish him she called me a dictator and that I don't get to tell her how to parent. I don't feel a part of this family, I have mentioned that I should detach but she doesn't want me to do that. Will it get better? Any advice? Am I expecting too much? If I take on the responsibilities of a parent and care about these children do I get some say in their upbringing? I do understand that at the end of the day my partner gets to make the decision, but my opinion should count right? Should my partner be trying to adjust with my parenting style and thoughts a little bit - we are going to have a child of our own which I will want to have a say in how we parent not just do things her way. Thank you if you read all the way through I'm sorry for the length just desperate for advice as our relationship is having major issues over these things.
Disengage!
Disengagement will save your sanity.
You are not the parent. There should be no division of labor with her children. They are her responsibility and as you'll read here, she and the bio father or other bio mom should be dealing with the parenting.
You might check out the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. Although written from a heterosexual relationship perspective, each of the principles are the same.
You are being set up for a no win situation. Not necessarily maliciously, but the fact you are fighting about this stuff should be a huge red flag for you.
Hang in there!
Stepmom mentors are cool!
Sooooooo, I am very defensive about my own parenting, and I tend to remain really really calm in the face of anger as well. For me, it's also how my kid deals with his anger. If he calls name or hits, we have consequences we've decided ahead of time. I don't make consequences out of anger. But if his emotions get the better of him at the moment, I don't punish that. We all have feelings and feelings are valid, but we also have to be responsible for our actions. As long as his actions aren't out of line, I don't punish him just for being angry.
but onto your partner… I have never wanted my partner to be a coparent with me, because, well, I just don't! I want to be able to make those parenting choices, and I feel good about him parenting. We might do each other favors of watching the kids while the other person ran an errand or wanted to work out or something small like that, but it's also definitely seen as a favor, not as parenting. Your partner can't have it both ways. you shouldn't have all the responsibility of doing that work, but not get a say when you feel it matters. And you're right, she should have given you more pointers and you should have talked more about what that looked like, but I guess this incident has taught you both that you need to really explicitly talk about what your roles are.
and just to retweet the above comment about disengagement, I wholeheartedly endorse it, but that was also what was best for my situation. I like the mentor or fun aunt role and leave the parenting to the parents. But I also understand that if you want to have a child together you want to make sure you parent more Similarly.
sorry this got so long and thanks for coming to my parenting Ted talk!
Maybe someone can post the
Maybe someone can post the Step-Mother's Bill of Rights. One of the tenets is, "I will not be responsible for a child for whom I can set no limits."
Your SO can't have it both ways. You have to be either all in or all out. She can't require you to do grunt work of driving the kids, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, contributing financially toward anything that benefits them and then not allow you to have a say on any rotten behaviour that affects you.
responsibility with no
responsibility with no authority is where you currently stand and it will only get worse to the point of you going nuts!! Disengage now ,, your partner cant stop you doing this , afterall they are her children at the end of the day ,, you have no legal rights over these children so you need to take a step back and let her deal with all of it. you are set for a lose lose situation no matter which way you turn
Good advice
I second this comment. I'm in a heterosexual marriage but the family situation is similar to yours, i.e. we I have an adult SD that lives in our home half of the year. I am expected to help provide financially, emotionally and physicially (in terms of household cleaning and cooking) but get little to no say in things that she does that I disagree with and I'm never consulted when it comes to when she comes to our home. I unfortunately married into this situation and it's not that easy to remove myself (I wasn't exposed to the situation in its entirety until after the marriage).
So set your standards now - i.e. if she expects you to be a contributing partner to parental obligations then you should be allowed to address and expect some type of correction to areas that you aren't comfortable with.
Good luck !
SPBOR (Step Parent's Bill of Rights)
Here it is.
Step-parent Bill of Rights
1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
Love These
I love these and want to know how in the heck to ensure that they're followed.
I think this is brilliant,
I think this is brilliant, but I am not sure how well it will work in the real world. As I have discovered my partner puts me before her children. Unfortunately I understand this. I would probably put her before my bio children too but I would do my best as a dad to parent my children and make sure they treat me and her and the house with respect. Unfortunately as you can see from this forum that often doesn't happen and Bio's have no control or discipline over their kids, which is what leads to all the problems.
Response
Hi all!
thank you so much firstly for reading and secondly your responses, I am glad to hear what should be expected by other Stepparents rather than people who aren't familiar with the situation and feel I have a better sense of what is "appropriate" if you will, moving forward. The step parents bill of rights is amazing, just reading it lets makes me feel I have some rights and better about my situation.
I replied above but I don't
I replied above but I don't think you have any rights. You have the right to execute the rights you think you have and failing that you have the right to leave. Execute your bill of rights and if your SO listens to you, if your SO meets your needs and your expectations great, but don't think just because you execute them that they will happen. Always have some (secret) money set aside so that you can bail at any point. I hope it works out and I hope your partner values you enough. I don't think any BIO will put you over their children but I would hope that you are also quite high up their priority list and will do what is needed to do not to lose you.
Good luck.
Response
Hi,
I am very conscious of ensuring the kids come first and I don't expect myself to come before her children, are you able to explain how I have come across that way? I do understand what you are saying in that these aren't actual rights I can enforce, I can only hope my partner will want to uphold. I feel that I was wrong in my statement that I feel I have rights now, I think moreso I feel validated by the spbor that these are "normal rights" to wish for perhaps? I have felt very bad in my current position, as others have said responsibility and zero authority, and I am not sure if it is wrong of me to not be happy about this scenario? Thank you for your well wishes, I am very concerned as I am not willing to sit with this scenario and I am not sure my partner will have any other scenario.
I don't want to rain on your
I don't want to rain on your parade. I think it's great you've found this place and that you feel more empowered. Me too, I found this place many many years too late and I've made a lot of mistakes in how I have Step Parented. All you can do is lay out your expectations and your needs and stick to them. All I am saying is be prepared to be disappointed, I hope not.
Don't be gaslighted by your partner. You will express your feelings and as you've mentioned they will be denied, but they are your feelings and you are allowed to have them. Be clear on what you want, be clear on what you expect and then there is no misunderstanding. If he doesn't like it then you can also say that you don't like the way he parents, a difficult converstation. I got into a discussion with my partner and she turned around and tried to turn everything on me and shut the discussion down by saying 'So, you think I am a bad parent.' My response in anger for the first time in 7 years was 'Yes I do.'
As I've learnt here, I am not actually angry at my SK's I am actually angry at the way she handles them and lets them get away with som much $hit and is constantly fooled by their words. There was a recent situation that happened, I kept my mouth completely shut about what I thought and lo and behold 2 weeks later the thoughts I was having about the situation came true, but am I allowed to say anything.....No. Why don't I say anything anymore, because I know it causes friction between me and my SO. All I can do is wait until she realises it herself, but in the meantime I am deferring and leaving all the stress to her and not getting involved. I am slowly feeling more and more at peace.
May I ask what you expected
May I ask what you expected prior to taking on your role and how it differs from what you expected? I totally understand you when you say you are not angry at SK but your partner, I also feel this way. You have said that you no longer say anything anymore, how hard has it been for you to let go? Sorry for all the questions just very keen to hear about a lot of these circumstances as I think I have been very naive.
I think that was the problem
I think that was the problem for me. I didn't really think about it, I was very naive (same as you) and just blindly walked into it 7 years ago. I wish I found this site then or googled what it's like to raise step kids or kids of divorce.
I have 2 SK's and 2 of my own and I suppose I stuck around because of mine. There have been alot of difficulties and emotional problems with my SK's in different forms and severity. I tried to be a surrogate dad because they lived with me most of the time and I wanted to control my environment e.g I didn't want wild children running around the place. I have taken them to therapy, taken them to football matches, gone to school plays done a huge amount of things that dads would do. They don't have a great relationship with their own dad who lives around the corner. I wanted all this because I was told to a certain degree that this is what I should be doing because 'You knew I had kids.'
If I could turn back the clock I would have just been nice to them and left every other thing to the BM and to the BD. 7 years later I have had enough due to lots of different things.
It's only been about 3 weeks, which I got wrong to start with, that I am disengaging from it all emotionally because I don't have any room for their emotional $hit anymore, BM's and BD's too. It is hard because I have been involved so much and it is natural for me to say 'You, okay, what's giong on, what has x done now.' Not only the SK's but the ex husband too.
I have been very supportive of everything for so long but I am done. I am literally re-training my brain to not even ask anymore e.g Something happened the other day and I wanted to ask, but it's just not my problem any more. There are countless number of times where I have to tell myself, stay out of it, say nothing, leave her deal with it, because if she has to deal with it on her own, only then will she get pi$$ed off at it and realise enough is enough, this still leaves me with her stress levels though.
The fact that I have been there for her, supporting her and dsiciplining her kids has meant she hasn't had too shoulder %100 of it, but now she does. She is on her own when it comes to her kids.
THe kids should not come
THe kids should not come first. The adult relationship at the heart of the blended family comes first... always. The "marriage" and the partners are the unequivocal top priority to both partners. If not... then end it now and move on. It is only a matter of time before the relationship fails.
Kids are the top relationship responsiblity, but not the priority. Quality partners in a quality relationship understand this.
You have every right you take. So take them. All 10 of them and make sure your partner and SKids are all crystal clear that these are non-negotiable and any violation of these rights will be met with a state of abject misery for the people who violate them.
Good luck.
I disagree. We come here from
I disagree. We come here from the perspective of Step Parent. If you reversed the situation, which I have in my mind, then my kids would probably come first.
Ideally everyone should come first equally. The SK's and the relationship but a BIO will more than probably put their kids first unless they ACTUALLY realise that their kids are the problem, which in most cases, looking at this forum, that's not the way it happens and I get that.
The main problem I see here, and for myself too, is that Bio parents are unable to deal/discipline their kids to an appropriate level.
This happens even when the parents are also together but it causes HUGE rifts when Step Parents are involved. Unless the Bio parent and the step parent are able to be on the same page and agree then all is lost. As long as the step parent stays in line and does what the Bio wants them to/behaves in the way they are expected to behave, all is fine, but deviate from that and that's where the problems start. 'They are my kids, not yours, I'll deal with them.' but before that it's
'You knew I had kids, so deal with it, I expect you just to just take everything that comes your way and keep your opinions out of it.'
Even in successful initial
Even in successful initial marriages, the partners and their relationship come before all else including kids. In blended marriages it is even more imperitive that the partners and their marriage come first.
Kids have about zero chance of living successful adult lives with sucesful relationships of their own if their parents fail to model healthy adult relationships that raise children with clear and firm standards of behavior and performance.
Kids are the top adult relationship responsibility, but not the priority over the spouses or their relationship, ever.
Adults who do not learn this likely do not have durable marriages.
My XW put her own parents above our marriage while I put our marriage first. Combined with her propensity for dating other people while we were married and that marriage failed after only 2 years. Sadly, not soon enough.
In my DW I found a partner who also put our marriage above all else. It is because of that commitment to each other and our relationship that we were able to raise our son (my SS-28 to successful adulthood). My parents will celebrate 59 years of marriage this Summer, my DW and I will celebrate 27 years this Summer, my brother and his wife will celebrate 28 yeas this Fall. My ILs were married 42 years before my FIL passed. All based on the preeminance of the marriage and the partners as priority above all else. My parents, my wife and I, and my brother and his wife have raised children successfully weith that example.
A partner who would put their children above their mate needs to be gone. Sooner, rather than later. Even if they share children together.
IMHO of course.
I agree, I suppose what I am
I agree, I suppose what I am saying is that the adults/the parents need to be on the same page and raise the children together. They need to be a team, they need to be on the same page. As my dad always says. A house divided is a house that falls. I've seen it with my parents and I am experiencing it now with my SK's. My kids, our kids will be raised and we will be on the same page, we will discuss if I am an ass or if she is an ass and we will comprimise and stand together.
With Step kids this is more difficult, because what you think should happen and what BM thinks should happen and then throw in a possible pain in the ass of a BD thinks should happen is a whole different ball game. This is where for me it all starts to crumble. BM/BD/SD have very different viewpoints and never the twain shall meet. Which results im the SK's being in the middle of a bit of a possible $hitstorm. Divorce, Step parent and single mum or dad trying their best but at he same time failing for various different reasons. Throw in new kids into the dynamic, whether previous bio kids or new kids and it becomes so much dificult to handle.
This is what I'm realising, it's hard for the step parents and depending on the children it's so hard for them too. Three years after my parnter divorced her young children are having to accept me and 2 new brothers and sisters that we had together. It's a lot for kids to handle, it's a lot for step parents to handle and it's a lot for Bios to handle because they are trying to keep everyone happy.
Being a parent is tough. Being a SParent makes being just a
parent look like a walk in the park.
I think you have it right. Though I would argue that the kids get no say. What they think really doesn't matter. They abide by the standards of behavior and performance that the adults set for the home or ... they bear the consequences.
If they want a say, they can have a say when they are self supporing under their own roof.
"Because we said so." Is a perfectly valid response to a bitching kid. Regardless of kid biology. Yours, mine, or ours.
Why would anyone be in a
Why would anyone be in a marriage where they are not their spouses equity life partner or in a relationship where they have to tow the line set by a partner who has lived a failed family? Failure will repeat if that is the case.
Just curious - have you ever
Just curious - have you ever asked your stepfather how he felt about being an "equal" parent? Was he allowed to discipline you?
I took on the "Fun Aunt" role with my SS. My DH did not need or want my help with parenting. Yes, I filled in here and there, much as I did as a real aunt to my nieces, but I was in no way a parent figure. I did speak up if SS was doing something that annoyed me, and DH actually sought my advice on disciplinary and emotional issues (I work with kids).
To me, the "equal" parent thing is a scam. She will always have the right to trump anything you want to do, since she's the bio parent. So essentially, you aren't a "parent", just a nanny, chauffeur, maid, tutor, etc who doesn't get paid.
I'd revisit your arrangement and also look back to see if your stepfather was REALLY an equal parent or just doing unpaid labor while your mom had all the say.
Response
Hi!
Unfortunately my stepfather passed just before this relationship and to be honest, I had never thought to ask how he felt about his stepfather role to me. He was more disciplinary than my mother and had more say than my mother if not equal. All my parents step or bio were great - but I certainly feel he was the most influential parent to me, also I lived there most of the time and he was in my life since 2 years old for context. So for me I certainly had an experience where a step parent very much was a parent. I do think that your outlook on the equal parent scam is apt for my current scenario though and following other advice as well will speak with my partner about disengagement as a better suited dynamic for us.
For whatever reason,
For whatever reason, stepfathers seem to be able to better get away with being the disciplinarian, maybe our society's view on a man's role vs. a woman's role in parenting (stereotyped and outdated view). But if your SO isn't going to allow you the equal role, even if she says she wants that, then you have no choice but to disengage.
I wonder how many fights behind the scenes your mom and stepdad had about discipline and if he felt he had to take over because she wasn't doing it.