Future Stepmom
Does it ever get better? Trying to bond with future stepdaughters 13 and 6, is awkward, to say the least. I care about them both and treat them as I would my own children. It's been a little over 2 years and progress has been made but they are both still standoffish, especially the oldest. This has been a sore spot in my relationship and I'm not sure if it will ever not be. I am a hands on mom always have been, but it's difficult to do when the children are not use to a normal environment filled with love, respect, and boundaries. Boyfriend and I will be moving in together this summer and I don't want to be uncomfortable in my own home when they are around. I try to keep in mind that their homelife is trash because of their mother. Any advice on how to handle the situation will be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.
"I care about them"
You sound like a good-hearted person who wants things to go well. My best advice is to realize that Brady Bunch is a fantasy that many of us had. Step-families are quite complex with the different loyalties and standards. You are treating the SDs like you do your own and expecting the same loving response. That's unrealistic, especially from the older one. You didn't mention the BM but who knows what her influence is.
The best you can do is treat the kids well and communicate with DH regularly. I hope he's not a Disney dad, motivated by guilt. He also needs to understand that Brady Bunch expectations are unrealistic. Read around on this site, theres a wealth of valuable wisdom. Good luck.
Thank you for the advice. Yes
Thank you for the advice. Yes, I have come to realize how unrealistic my expectations were and have rearranged them completely. Unfortunately, the BM's influence is not good, but there is nothing that can be done about that. I will continue to browse the site and soak up all the valuable wisdom that I can.
Hands on mom? How old are
Hands on mom? How old are yours? 13 is hard. You might have a little hope with the 6. Don't deprive their father from doing the parenting with them. Think of yourself as the fun aunt and refuse to be anything else. Hold them to your standards on how you expect to be treated. Don't let yourself be turned into the family doormat. I agree read the forums. You will learn a lot. Don't be offended , the worst of the worst situations end up here and you can learn so much from them.
My daughter will be 18
My daughter will be 18 tomorrow. I have a very close relationship with my daughter full of conversations, laughter and love. Recently, I have been trying to be a friend in whatever capacity is allowed. But I will give the fun aunt method a try and see how that goes. Thank you so much for the advice.
Unfortunately never gets
Unfortunately never gets better. Try to do the things the better you can just for your mental health but always put yourself first. Try to talk with your husband when things go wrong with this brats, and remember this children are not yours, do not expect from them the same you give and something very important is to put order and rules since the beginning before things get out of control, good luck!
Well damn, lol. I will
Well damn, lol. I will definitely try to remember to put myself first, especially for my mental. I will continue to talk to my future husband when things go wrong with the girls.Yes, I'm seeing that I can't expect to get as good as I give. Order and rules are being worked on and hopefully implemented soon, since we should be moving in together this summer. Thank you so much for the great advice.
My SSs' homelife with BM was
My SSs' homelife with BM was/is trash, too. Best piece of advice my DH, of all people, gave me was to just be myself. Not me as I would be as a mother. Not me trying to overcompensate for their crap lives with BM. Just me.
You have to stop assuming this is something you did or are doing wrong (unless you have some concrete fact that you are the bad guy, like dating your SO before he split with BM). I was very hurt when I was around for a while and the boys didn't call me "Mom" while they called their SF "Daddy". Took a bit to realize that calling him "Daddy" was a form of parental alienation BM was trying out on the kids, and that relationship ended and rekindled more times than Ross and Rachel.
Point is, the boys got burned by BM with their SF, and then with every future BF she has had. She is now remarried and upset that the boys don't consider her new DH a parent while they see me as one. I didn't do anything special to convince them of this other than 1) respect their relationships with their mother and father, 2) I didn't push for a relationship they didn't want, and 3) I just acted like I would with any other kids. I also have a healthy dose of my DH enforcing with his sons that they respect me and disrespect me is a worse "crime" than disrespecting him.
Kids with unstable/trashy lives don't operate the same way that other people do. They are going to look at protecting themselves first and foremost. If you can help provide a stable environment where they can feel safe and secure, they might be willing to open up and have a relationship. It's not a guarantee, and it will differ kid to kid even in the same family. If they're used to a parent bring in a new partner all the time, they're going to be hesitant to bond with someone that they don't have direct control over the relationship with.
Plus, you two don't live together. SKs can act differently when someone is a partner versus a spouse. My SSs didn't see me as a SM until DH and I married. That level of permanence can either make SKs feel more secure or it can shatter whatever fantasy they had that their parents would end up back together.
You're still too new and not permanent enough. Moving in together is a risk - a risk that they may start to thaw towards you or continue down this path or get nastier. It's impossible to know. If that is too much of an uncertainty for you, you may need to consider other types of living arrangements and your SO may need to consider therapy for his kids to deal with their crap childhood with BM (that part should probably happen even if you don't move in togethe).
I have remained true to
I have remained true to myself and I don't try to overcompensate for their not so good home life. I realize that has nothing to do with me and all that I can do is make sure the time they spend with us is in a loving, healthy environment. I've advised him to put the girls in therapy and it is something he is working on. I get that I'm still new and I'm not rushing anything as far relationships goes. We shall see what happens. Thank you for advice.
You mentioned boundaries.
You mentioned boundaries. Good for you.
Free form parenting does not work in intact initial families, it does not work for single parent families, and it does not work for blended families.
Stick to your boundaries, quit worrying about the connection, focus on the behaviors and addressing those, as the girls comply with the boundaries, the connection will happen.4
Good luck.