My mom is 97 and in a long-term place so my involvement now is twice daily calls and one 30-minute visit, they just started allowing that recently.  I handle all her financial matters and do her shopping (crossword books, yarn, wine, candy, etc).   My 2 brothers live out of town, each calls at least weekly and before covid, visited twice annually

Leading up to this point, 4 years ago, Mom had been living with my now-deceased disabled sister and serving as her caretaker.  As their situation deteriorated, I was at their condo a few times a week, taking my sister to appointments, running errands, etc.  When Mom decided they should move to an adult care community, my involvement ramped up: touring sites, figuring out finances, arranging the move.  We hired movers but theres always plenty to do.  In the middle of all this, the same month, DH had a knee replacement and we wete moving SD out of our house.  I thought once I got Mom and sister moved, I was done.  Wrong.  My sister was only able to stay in their cottage for a few months before having to move to the assisted living building, then ultimately to a long-term place 30 miles away.  Then Mom developed dementia and had to move to the apartment building in the community.  She lasted there for awhile before moving to the assisted living then last year, to a nearby long-term.  If this sounds like a lot of moving, it was.  I moved one or the other 7 times since 2017, each time with more disposal of their " stuff".  Mom wouldnt have neen too bad but my sister had a "difficult" personality, was morbidly obese and had one leg amputated. Everything to do with her was difficult, poor thing, RIP.

My DH83 has stage 4 prostate cancer but its being treated successfully.  Now, he has a leg. issue that has caused him to have to use a cane.  But, overall, he is doing pretty well.

So, I get where you are coming from.  Our kids sometimes call, I think they are in denial about their dad's condition.  If I called any of them, they would help but I don't think they really understand the situation here.  I think they are busy living their own lives.  Guess we will just have to see how it works out.

Good luck to you, it's not easy or fun.

When my dad's heath was failing, my mother had to put him into respite several times, one time because she had heart surgery and the other times because she was just plain exhausted. Well, dad loved respite! He considered it to be a holiday (on par with staying in an all-inclusive hotel). He loved the attention he got, the activities that were organized, and the general good vibes of most of the places he was in. Check out what respite really looks like in your area and you might not feel so bad about it.

My Mom had a stroke almost 10 years ago, and my Dad died 6 months later. My Mom requires 24 hour care and fortunately has the means to hire private help. However, my sister and I both take at least 2 "shifts" a week and check in on her daily. I handle all of her financial affairs and we take turns taking her to the doctor.

We come from a long line of "family taking care of family." My maternal Great-Grandmother moved to a house on my Grandmother's ranch and lived the last 20 years of her life there. My mother was very involved in the care of my Dad's parents as they aged.

I don't have kids, but am quite sure my niece will take care of me if and when I need it! Since your DH's kids won't step up, for your sake, get some respite care so you can take care of yourself.

My mom is 86, my dad died 3 years ago. I live in the same town and I have a sister in town as well.  Another sister 1.5 hours away (and a brother 6 hours away).

She's very active and needs no help (still golfing and driving and giving museum tours as a docent).  I speak to her weekly - used to see her weekly before COVID.  I've helped her on the occasions she needs it for appointments she can't drive for, etc (ie, where she is sedated).  My sisters help too.  We all helped when my dad was in the hospital to give her a break.

I don't expect my SS21 to help DH with anything in old age.  He's more likely to get help from my local nieces than his son.

There isn't a one size fits all solution.  The needs and capablilities of everyone and other circumstances (like covid).. and finances need to be factored in.

Sometimes kids don't get the "shift" when there comes a time that their parents may need help.. or that the level of care they need may be outpacing what they and their spouse (if in the home).. can do for themselves.  It is easy to get caught up in their own lives, jobs, kids etc... so sometimes, unless someone points out or asks for help.. the kids may carry on blissfully ignorant of the need.

Sometimes kids have their own financial, mental health issues or sometimes some people are just self absorbed... 

My father is 91.  He lives several hours from me and my brother.  He gets daily calls and we have been to see him a handful of times since the pandemic.  He does have a rotation of caregivers who act as help/companionship/dog walkers during the day.. but he is able to manage at night.  He did need help when he got sick with the flu a few years ago.. and has had the caregivers with him since.  He doesn't probably need them as much as they are there.. but he feels that he will need more help eventually.. so since he can afford it.. he keeps them on.

In a normal times.. I would agree with people suggesting some respite for your DH while you are going to be a little under the weather dealing with your own medical issues.. but during covid.. I would be careful as to what that might entail... you don't want to increase exposure risk during this time.

But.. if you need help.. I would ask for help.. from his daughter.. from family etc.. even outside services if it gets to that point.  You are only able to truly help if you are in good shape yourself.. so don't let yourself get so run down that you aren't able to function.

Has lived with us for the last 5.5 years.  Prior to that she lived six hours away, I called daily, visited every six weeks and took vacation to care for her when she had medical procedures.  I have a sister-in-law who lived nearby and was just as involved.  She is a saint in my book.  At the time I had 3 brothers who lived 30 minutes, 1 and 4 hours away respectively.  They would visit on holidays and call her infrequently and then call me to tell me what I needed to do.  Yes these knights in shining armor are the types who proclaim their "Christian" beliefs loud and proud on Facebook!  Least Christian Christians I've ever known but that's another story. 
mom moved in with us when she could no longer drive.  She is still fairly mobile and mentally acute.  We are lucky.  If needed we can afford to bring in careers. 
DH is 70 and a physical wreck, cancer survivor, degenerative arthritis in his legs and spine, COPD, all a result of his military service.  I go with him to appointments, and if he needs care that requires hospitalization one of my kids will stay with mom.  They also give DH and I breaks by staying with her on the weekend every few months.  They live her and DH. 
DHs kids have been MIA for the most part.  They call every few weeks but have never ever once offered any real help or assistance.  I don't count on them for any help. If I need help I reach out to my kids, because they invest time in the relationships they know the needs and understand the frailties.

another poster said something like they are a family that takes care of family.  That applies to the women in my family.  I love my mom, I live my DH, but I live my daughter as well.  I am ensuring I have assets to pay for care.

My DH's step father passed away about 3 years ago. He and MIL had been married for 30 years. All kids were adults when they married. I had known him for about 13 years at that point and had never met any of his 4 kids even though we celebrated every birthday, anniversary and christmas with them. As it became clear he was very unwell, my MIL began to get calls regularly from his kids asking how he was. I was the one with my mother in law and her DH when he passed away. They all attended his funeral and seemed nice enough. A week later she began to get calls from them asking about his will! They had some pretty nasty words for my mother in law when they realised she got everything. She had been his carer for many years and eventually had to have a live in carer as it was taking its toll on her health which depleted a lot of money. Funny thing is they were all thinking they would get a share of the house. If they had any interest in their father, they would have known the house was my mother in law's and has been passed down for many generations! So sad.

Both sets of my GPs, my parents, and my DW and I lived for many years of our careers in the Middle East. That limited the time we spent with GPs.  But.... my dad is an only child so he and mom were the ones who managed his parent's affairs from where ever in the world they were living.

My dad is 78 and my mom is 76.  My DW and I are the ones who live closest to my parents and are the ones most involved with them.  My brother and SIL still live overseas and have never really been all that involved.  Though my brother would be there ASAP if needed.  Once they return to the US, it will remain to be seen how involved they will be with mom and dad as they age.  No matter where we have lived, we are always involved and can be at mom and dad's house within 24 hours. The same for my ILs though my DW's 3 younger sibs and their families all live within minutes of my IL's home.

There will be no fiancial burden on us or my brother regarding my mom and dad, we will likely have to support my MIL as she and FIL accumulated nothing but debt over their entire lives.  My DW's sibs do not have the resources or income to help financially.

My DH passed one year ago, March 16, 2020.  He was diagnosed with Lupus 35 years prior.

OSS62 was there any time possible, when I asked.  He never hesitated.  SD60 had no time for her Dad, and certainly didn't offer to help.  YSS58 only called and talked to his dad, when he needed bail money over the 40 years we were married.

My DH passed in our home under my care, just the two of us.  His children were well informed of his condition the full 35 years.

I cared for my mother, she had cancer.  She died in my home, with me lying beside her.

My father went to heaven at age 102, in his own home.  I cared and saw him every day.

I have no regrets.  Stepkids will grow old and need care one day.  It is sad, but times are unforgiving.

(((Hugs)))