When the sun shines

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I am wondering if other people here have the same issue as I do with DH and skids. Probably! DH and I have been married for 11 years, went through all the skids and toxic BM stuff and have come out the other side intact and with a good marriage. But the reality is that whatever SD and SS do, it is absolutely glowingly marvelous. The restaurants they eat in, where they live, where they shop ad nauseum. The sun shines out of their back sides. DH gets excited and enthused. Gushing is the word I would use. Bottom line is neither of his kids work. SD is 23 and with no job manages to rent a full house in a posh part of town. DH tells me it is money she has saved from her teenage babysitting. Ok yeah sure. SS is in college and does not work, BM supporting him. My own bio kids are independent, work hard and I believe are well adjusted adults. Anyhow, the real irritating thing for me is the enthusiasm DH has for all things his kids. Anything my own kids do he has no interest in. My two are out on their own, traveling, enjoying life in their twenties having interesting experiences, vacations etc as they should at that age. DH shows NO interest, changes the subject, couldn't care less etc. But I have to listen to the endless gushing about his kids and how wonderful their lives are. I have started to walk out of the room or just change the subject like he does, and of course this is now affecting our marriage. I am just done with being nice and polite and listening when he does not reciprocate. Any advice? Thanks!

Have you talked openly about

Have you talked openly about your feelings on this matter?

Yes, a few times. DH denies

Yes, a few times. DH denies this even exists. I don't think he is aware. I do know he seems jealous at times of the close relationship I have with my own kids. I was widowed young and raised my two alone for ten years. We are very close. DH has to work hard at having a relationship with his kids and I get that. BM alienated them a lot. DH is a good Dad I am not denying that. He does have to buy their love after years of BM setting that whole scene up. My daughter calls me for a chat every day, my son calls me every Sunday for a nice long chat, we visit as much as we can, they are both living in a different state now off seeing the world as they say. I have seen some resentment from DH and we have talked that out so he is better these days.

Sounds to me like what

Sounds to me like what psychoanalysts used to call "Reaction Formation" - he knows his kids are not great people and are doing poorly, but that knowledge makes him highly anxious, so he turns it into the opposite - raving about how great they are doing and how wonderful they are. Hearing about your kids reminds him that his kids aren't doing as well as yours, and pierces his denial, so he doesn't want to hear it.

You have every right to not be subject to endless raving over his kids, and if that affects your marriage, then there are deeper problems to address - namely, his unhealthy way of dealing with the reality of his kids' disappointing behavior.

And good dads don't buy their kids' love. My SS21 was alienated for over 3 years, and DH doesn't try to buy his love. He's just gradually tried to rebuild his relationship with SS without sacrificing his own values and self-respect.

Agreed

Ugh, I know this one...

I don't have my own kids but we have one on the way and I have a SD who is 9, I'm not rude when I say she is completely average at school and soo darn lazy and spoilt by DH, everything she does is just downright fantastic and no other kid can beat it.

I agree with Tog redux. Sounds exactly like he is completely in denial

Thanks so much Tog Redux, I

Thanks so much Tog Redux, I didn't know about Reaction Formation. I think you are right and I will read up about that. SD has to be earning income and having known her for many years I would say she is either a high end escort or online stuff. She spends a lot of time talking about finding a rich guy or older wealthy man. From a young age that was her career goal, to find a rich husband. She was asked to leave two expensive restaurants as they thought she was a hooker at the bar. She would sit at the bar and wait for men to buy her drinks and hoping to get a rich husband that way LOL SS spends all his time at the gym beefing up muscles but won't help DH with heavy yard work here at our house or anywhere. Work would be too hard for him.

It was a therapist who told me it was ok for DH to buy their love because he has to. She explained that if he wants a relationship with his kids it is the only way. He takes them out to lunch or lays out some expense. They were raised by BM to learn that love is shown by the price of stuff. The first thing these kids do when they open gifts is quickly look up the cost online, in front of us by the way. Depending on the price.....they are pleased or pissed off. I disengaged years ago and we keep our finances separate. It is just lately that DH gushes so much about them.

What a terrible therapist

What a terrible therapist that would be. . Unless you were there, I highly doubt anyone told him that. Given his tendency to turn the truth on its head, I bet that is not what the therapist said.

The fact that he deals with reality this way shows that he is not an emotionally healthy person.

Thanks so much Tog Redux, I

A simple shut up

I generally think a simple shut up would do.

The moment he talks about them just wither tell him to be quiet of go to another room.

Or try to atleast disengage from him whenever he talks about them, he may realise that you clearly don't give a sh*t and soon shut up.

sounds so familiar

Thank God my DH woke up...he was the exact same way until he seen the light and has realized he can't pay to make her care about him.. only pay if he wants to see her.. i do feel bad for him but it has been so peaceful for me and my marriage is sooooo much better..

I have exactly the same problem

My DH gushes about his daughters, any opportunity. Despite the fact that SD25 has never had a proper, full time job in her life, and both she and SD24 are still living with NPD BM. It is tiresome - I have had 19 years of this. I just switch off when he starts, really.

So if you "play nice" and

So if you "play nice" and listen to your husband gush about his (not so great) kids, but never mention yours, your marriage is "good". Yet if you try to talk about yours or do not listen to his gushing your marriage "suffers"?

I am sorry, but that does not sound like a marriage that has "come out on the other side intact".

Was he a jerk about/to your kids when they were young/still living with you too? I cannot imagine this started only after they launched...

And he "doesn't recognize he does this or it is an issue"? Is he like this with other topics as well... his interests or opinions are the only ones that are correct or he pitches a mantrum and "punishes" you for your "bad behavior"?

My DH does the same

He has 3 kids. I've noticed the worse they are, the more he praises them. So, SD59 is living in a place we subsidize, is on disability and has no job. But what a hard worker (when she works)! What a clean person (except when she lived here)! Meanwhile, OSS is doing great but no words about him. He seems to gush more to compensate for the weaker ones. I just ignore it all.

My first thought was that SD

My first thought was that SD's a hooker.

Same.

As soon as I read that she was unemployed but still managed to rent a nice place....

OP's hubby has his head in the sand, lol.

It is not you who is

It is not you who is impacting the marriage. It is your DH's child worshipping and living vicariously through his children. Pride over where his kids eat on BM's dime is just immature stupidity on his part.

smh

I can't help but to look at

I can't help but to look at SO like he is a crazy person when he brags about SKs. I'm like you cannot possibly believe the words coming out of your mouth.

My DH has done this gushing

My DH has done this gushing and child worship too. It's nauseating, but has subsided in recent years. I think that's because his kids are now employed and independent. He doesn't have to compensate so much anymore.

Still, everything SD says is brilliant. Everything SS does is wonderful. I rarely react to his comments and we go on.

Hell Yes

Ex DH used to gush and marvel over SD's farts. It was that pathetic.

Didnt ya know the evil B farted rainbows and cotton candy.

Just thinking about this brings me anxiety that I thought I shed. F all of them.

DANG OP i feel for ya

Child Worship

Many parents believe that their children are a direct extension of themselves (especially if the child resembles them), and as such they are to be praised and worshiped because it directly reflects back to them, and its not necessarily about the child but about them.

He sounds like one of these.

DH, to a small point would always talk about how Feral Forger is "going places and going to do big things", because shes pretty and has a pretty singing voice and taught herself piano and guitar. And looks like him.

Cut out 6 years later and shes on 6 different meds, no license (and hes a car guy!), bloated and still breaks out - doesnt take care of herself, no job, no college and lives with Toxic Troll, whining and complaining, and doing nothing. Stealing too.

He doesnt brag about her anymore. Thank goodness!

I'm sure your husband sees

I'm sure your husband sees that his kids aren't actually that great and is trying to lie to himself and make them sound good in his head to alleviate his own worry and stress. That is how my partner is. He tries to find the silver lining in the horrible things that his kids do and to gloss over the fact that they are both on drugs and huge losers. I actually do what you do. He brings up his kids (who have been incredibly abusive towards me) and I change the subject to something positive about our relationship or I leave the room or I look incredibly bored and start using my phone or cleaning or anything else... sometimes he complains about how he cannot talk to me about his kids, but I remind him that we have an adult life that's entirely separate from his kids and ask if we can focus on that. I do not have children of my own, however.

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