New here, not to step hood. Unsure what I am meant to do now.
Hi all,
Alittle background info, I have been with my DH for 5 and a half years. Married for 2 and a half years.
When we met, his son (SS) had just turned 5.
Our relationship moved pretty quickly, but we both knew it wasn't a throw away thing.
I accepted his son, I have gone out of my way to make him feel comfortable, do activities with him, buy him clothes/presents.
Over the years my relationship with SS has somehow completely been destroyed. I cannot even pin point it to one thing.
Of course we have since had children together DS1 & DS2. But besides some PND and anxiety after the births of my children, I wouldn't say this is the cause.
That said, I have obviously learnt that through years bending over backwards, that things just became expected of me and a simple thanks has never happened.
Where i need help...
SS is now 10, when he arrives he won't even acknowledge me.
He arrived Friday, I tried making conversation with him numerous times, to be met with shoulder shrugs. In the end yesterday we did not say a word to each other.
This morning, I asked if he'd like me to make him breakfast, he replied no, my DH woke up half hour later, assumed i just didn't offer breakfast, as SS then told DH he would like something.
At this point I don't even know what I am meant to do or how I'm meant to act? He comes here and acts like I don't exist.
Any help from peoples previous experiences would be great..
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Comments
Firstly I would suggest a 10
Firstly I would suggest a 10 yr old is quite capable of getting their own breakfast and I would be encouraging that as much as possible. Independence is one of the best things for children to learn.
I suspect this is more a case of seeking attention from his Dad rather than not accepting you. I would ask DH to chip him for this rudeness and tell him to greet you.( not in front of ss) I would expect him to do this every time you are ignored.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You are completely right about breakfast, for whatever reason he has always been waited on. I use to push for his independence in that respect, but gave up trying.
Do you believe it could still be attention seeking of he still ignores me while DH is pottering around out of sight?
DH will tell him, say bye etc and we get a really forced and sarcastic byeeee. And nothing more said.
Its very frustrating, perhaps 3 or more years of a good step situation to what feels like a complete breakdown.
What does your DH say when
What does your DH say when you address this with him? Does he push you two to have a better relationship, or are you putting that pressure on yourself?
Thanks for the response.
Thanks for the response.
So DH knows there is an issue, he has to tell him to say hello/goodbye, or to ask me instead when SS wants something of mine. But beyond that DH doesn't address anything, but there is always this elephant in the room.
My DH is very much black and white with this. I'm the adult, he's the child, I knew he had a son etc etc
You knew he had a son, so
You knew he had a son, so that gives said son the okay to be rude to you? To just expect certain things from you? To not ever say, "Thank you"? I don't think so.
Yes, you are the adult, he is the child, and children are supposed to be respectful to adults (and it's the parents' responsibility to teach them that).
If I had told my SD29, when she was young, to sit in the middle of the street, she probably would have done it! She was taught that you respect, and mind, adults. Period.
I probably wouldn't be too upset about him not opening up to you and having a full blown conversation with you, but if he is completely ignoring you, that is just rude and should be addressed. My SD has always been kind of timid and not a big talker (she has no personality) so I never took it personally that I couldn't seem to drag a conversation out of her.
What I did find out, 10 years in, was that BM was filling my SD's head with ALL kinds of bullshit, and SD believed it. Frankly, I'm surprised she wasn't downright hateful towards me, given her loyalty to her mother. So, it could be something like that. Still no excuse.
How did you come to find out
How did you come to find out BM had been saying stuff in the end?
I do have my suspicions this could be the case, I use to look after SS if she needed help with childcare while DH was at work, as we work around each other so that we wouldn't need to send DS's to childcare, but once a line was crossed/I felt used plus looking after 2 bios while still working full time myself, I refuse.
He use to be very chatty, I guess an age thing might make him less so now, but my husband also sees the blatant ignoring as an age thing. So doesn't see it as a big issue.
I worry this will continue to get worse as the years go by if this is allowed to go on.
However I feel DH is very closed, if I mention SS name he gets extremely defensive.
How did you come to find out
How did you come to find out BM had been saying stuff in the end?
Oh, it was a big blowout, one weekend when she was 15. The whole thing orchestrated by BM, no doubt. It's a long story but she ended up telling us exactly what BM had been telling her and that she believed it. It was the beginning of the end of our relationship.
Yes, the ignoring can be an age thing but that doesn't mean it should be ignored, and condoned, by your DH.
Your DH gets defensive because he knows it's wrong and that he should be doing something about it but he doesn't want to. He is afraid of disciplining his own kid.
My DH parented his daughter exactly the same after the divorce, as he did when he and BM were together. He didn't go soft because of the divorce or because he didn't see SD as often. He was still her DAD.
Agree it’s more of a DH. Problem
He should be on SS to respect you and your whold family. He should be given consequences when he's disrespectful to you. You can also disengage from some of this. SS does not have to love you or like you as long as he shoes respect.
Stop doing thing for SS. As buying him things, up to DH, or cooking for him special. Breakfast is at X time. If he doesn't make it . It's PB & J. Made by SS.
Completely agree, I would
Completely agree, I would never expect him to love me or anything. I will need to work on getting DH to take responsibility for the respect side, though this will be the hardest part.
PAS is a thing
I suspect that your relationship with SS is what it is for 2 reasons:
1. Bio mother is being toxic and saying things to poison SS against you.
2. Your 2 bios are creating jealousy. Hes suddenly not the main child of the house.
There are two different ways to approach it. SS needs to show respect. Thats to me a given. But perhaps DH needs to spend more time. You posted that its every other weekend. Thats not much time with dad. We have 50/50 week on week off. So we get good time with Munchkin SD14. And Dad could perhaps have a talk with him about things pertaining to you.
Focus on your bios, and require SS to acknowledge you.
Thanks,
Thanks,
2 valid possibilities, not much I can do regards to whatever BM says about me, however..
I can push for DH and SS to have more quality time. Currently SS will sit on his ipad or switch all weekend, and DH will have his head buried in football or Netflix. That's about as much quality time that any of us get from DH.
We are currently in lockdown number 3 here (UK) so are only allowed out for exercise or essentials. I hope by April or May we can get out and spend more quality time as a family.
His attitude could come from
His attitude could come from a lot of places.
1. feelings of being replaced by your two younger bios... at 1 and 2, It's probably pretty clear that they take up a lot of your time and attention.
2. BM may well be feeding him some negativity.
3.It can also be a bit of change of scenery malaise.. my SDs were often out of sorts the first day or so when they switched from mom's.. not sure if it was that she was saying negative things.. but her mania really ramped up with them when she was getting them ready to go.
You say above that you fear
You say above that you fear pushing DH to address this as it might affect your marriage, and you want to do what's best for your bio sons - what's best for your bio sons is NOT to grow up in a home where their brother treats their mother like garbage and she is still expected to care for him.
My guess is that BM is alienating him from you, but DH has to set limits on his behavior. If he won't, stop doing anything for SS10; and consider whether or not you want your sons growing up watching their father allow their brother to disrespect you.
Quality time with SS
I was in a relationship with someone with 3 chilsren, 2 of whom were very difficult. I tried a few things which worked to soften them:
1) Private conversations between my partner, myself & the individual problem child. We outlined acceptable/unacceptable behaviour & consequences. We gave the child opportunity to offload their feelings (many tears linked to prior BM issues), gave reassurance that we would work together to support the child & made efforts to follow up with little heart to hearts away from the other kids. This helped the child feel a priority & heard. They would sometimes then ask for a little quiet chat themselves so became proactive in sharing their thoughts.
2) Made 1-2-1 time activities for the Dad & child to get in the diary to look forward to, bonding & fun just for them. This was really appreciated.
3) Did 1-2-1 time between me & each problem child too e.g. shopping for new bedding for the boy then taking for a hot chocolate & cake. Simple but forced some nice bits of conversation about school etc once the frostiness was over. Kids are more receptive one on one instead of having an audience.