Called it
It seemed everything was ok with SD17 the other night after my comment, she had communicated through text with DH a little bit about holiday logistics and nothing seemed wrong....until we pulled up.at my in-laws house yesterday. SD's car was out front, and DH was like oh, j missed her call s little bit ago,we were so busy running between places I havent called her back yet. I jokingly said, oh this will be awkward after you didnt answer her. We had pulled in and as we were getting of the car, SD comes out and goes straight to her car without a word. DH hollered, hey, where are you going? And she hollered Home. So he went to the car and talked through the window. She said she was upset and can't do this, she is not welcome at our house, nothing has changed, and after she moved out DH didn't try to see how she was doing for 5 months. (Which is not true, he tried continuously and she ignored him, or maybe he was blocked. But she did manage to pop up long enough for her to allow us to take her to a big city shopping trip for her 16th birthday a month after she moved out) She said she wasnt coming over anymore on Christmas morning. And true to her word, she didn't.
I feel bad for being passive aggressive in my comment the other day, I should have calmly expressed my feelings instead. But I am pretty sure it would have had the same outcome. So the moral of the story, is that SD is allowed to do and say whatever she wants, but I am not. I am going back to disengagement, there isn't much hope for any kind of real relationship right now. I just feel that DH missed out on Christmas with his daughter, most likely triggered by comments I made.
On the bright side, we had a lovely evening and morning with my son and SS. Merry Christmas everyone!
It will never stop
I went back and reread yohr blog. Your SD is like mine with the drama and dysfunctional female model. I promise it will never end, no matter what you do, so disengagement is the only way to retain your stability and poise. Goal, hard to achieve but maybe possible someday: polite and civil relationship. Its unrealistic to hope for more.
Don't blame yourself. Your DH
Don't blame yourself. Your DH has some very serious conversations that he needs to have with his daughter that he doesn't seem to have had. Even if he has those talks, that doesn't mean SD will suddenly forgive and forget. Until he's willing to sit her down and tell her to cut the crap, and admit to his own wrong-doing, this will continue. I think disengagement is the best option, but I also think telling your DH that he needs to do more is a good idea.
My DH's daughters are
My DH's daughters are approaching middle age now, but the elder has always had a sense of entitlement and difficulty regulating her filthy temper. In hindsight, one of the biggest mistakes DH, myself, and his family made was not calling her out IN THE MOMENT when she behaved inappropriately.
As a child, OSD was treated like a special visitor rather than family. Because no one corrected OSD or drew boundaries with her, her narcissism grew unchecked. She was even allowed to do school via correspondence course because she couldn't get along with other kids and kept getting into fights. So she essentially grew up in her own little fifedom, where her wrongheaded beliefs flourished. She never learned how conform, accept authority or get along with others; but she did learn how to bully and use her temper to intimidate others.
Your SD is no doubt a complete sh!t, but she's also probably a very unhappy and maladaptive kid who lacks the basic social skills needed to succeed in life. You letting her know that you were aware of her shi!!y behavior isn't a bad thing, IMO. If I could go back in time, I'd correct, call out, and stand up to my OSD every time. Not to be a B, but to teach her that people aren't dumb and aren't always going to put up with her poo. She was going to hate me regardless, and yours likely will too, so as I see it there's no harm in letting her know that you see through her. It might even do her some good.
Oh gosh, yes, your
Oh gosh, yes, your description of your SD's childhood sounds very familiar. I just can't see with my SD where she treats others like she treats her father, she has a lot of friends, does well in school and jobs...she shows kind easy to her little cousins and from the sound of it she does things with her mom's family. I just don't get it, but I agree with you that she has unhappiness inside for it to come out this way. How are things with your SD now?
Until your DH puts his foot
Until your DH puts his foot up her ass and gives her clarity that she is an ill behaved disrespectful little shit nothing will change.
His fawning after her begging for the crumbs of her time and attention make me nauseous.
I agree with you. I am not
I agree with you. I am not sure how to get him to see that the way he responds is contributing to the madness
Just tell him..... and Lather
Just tell him..... and Lather, rinse, repeat. He may willfully choose not to catch a clue but keeping his nose rubbed in it makes his behaviors a willful choice.
So the evening got even more
So the evening got even more out of hand. SS and his girlfriend were here, and SS got real snotty with DH over something there was no need for, and it was out of nowhere. Instead of saying , hey, SS, that's not right,, DH waited til SS was going upstairs and I was coming downstairs to say loudly to me "am I mean? I must be so mean". I decided it was time for me to go change my clothes, so I went to my room and closed the door. SS and his gf left because he was going to stay at his mom's for the weekend. Apparently his gf must have told him what DH said, bc SS texted DH and said he wasn't staying here anymore on break bc DH was talking about him behind his back. DH called him to ask what he was talking about and they exchanged words and DH started crying and saying he didn't need SS mad and leaving him like his sister.
SS came back to the house a little bit later crying, and they went in the basement to talk. I didn't know about the phone call, so I didn't know what was going on. I went back up to my room to give them some privacy. Meanwhile our front camera goes off, and it was SD coming in. SS apparently had been taking to her and she knew he was upset. She went downstairs and SS was telling DH he just needed to apologize to her and things would be ok. DH asked what he was apologizing about, and SD said he was manipulating the conversation and something about he should know from letters she has written him. Then was screaming that he was f*ing up SS like he f*ed up her. I was unaware of all of this, I was upstairs praying they were having a healing conversation, but that wasn't to be tonight bc SD ended up storming out.
So DH comes upstairs and he is telling me a little, then SS comes to get something out of his room. SS and I ended up going to the basement to talk and he cried and said he feels caught in the middle. He said that he, BM, and SD thought it would help of DH and SD apologized to each other first and then would be able to talk. I told him there has been a lot going on in the last 2 years while he has been away, and I didn't think that was going to work as a conversation. A person has the right to know what they are supposed to be apologizing for, and being aggressive isn't the way to resolve things. We had a long talk, and he actually told me that neither he nor SD blame me for anything, just their dad. Then he corrected and said he doesn't blame either of us for anything, but that he appreciated and loves us. He is worried about his dad, but it sounds like there is some anger too. He brought up how his gf feels like DH doesnt like her bc he didn't want them to move in together (neither did I, and I told him our reasons, and it has nothing to do with what we think of her). And how we didn't bring them a housewarming gift, but BM and girlfriends parents were so helpful (we did go up and see their place and took them to lunch at a nice restaurant). He also talked about how he and SD were sitting there crying tonight and DH didn't seem to care.
Ss ended up leaving to go to BM's, but he did hug DH first and let him know he loves him. He is supposed to be back in a few days, so we will see what that brings.
I didn't know about what all went on with the phone call and SD until after SS left. DH is angry, so much so that he said he almost told them both to get out of his house. He felt like it was a set up, they want to judge and accuse him without even telling him what for. After I heard what went down, I kind of wish he had said to her out, although it would probably have been a nail in the coffin with both of them.
I don't know what to make of it all. SS confirmed BM is mixed in all this, even mentioned having her come if we all have a talk. Um, no. I feel like SS has a good heart, and I think he is getting caught up in SD and BM's agenda. But he also has hurts of his own. I don't really know how it all turned into SD coming over here. They act like there have been some major transgressions by DH, and I have been around 10 years and I don't see it. What I do see is that he allowed this line of thinking to start and continue, they have always been able to.pull a guilt trip on him, and it has snowballed into a monster. I also see that he generally either puts his head in the sand, or is passive aggressive. Maddening for sure, but I have never heard him berate or put down his children (or me). If anything, he doesn't say enough on my opinion, or he holds it in until it bursts out. But still...nothing that rates this level of what is being thrown at him. It makes me so sad, for him to be made to feel this way, and for them to not be able to see they have a dad who tries to support and be there for them in the best way he knows how. Not perfect, but present and trying to so the right thing.
I told DH that I am done with the crazy - unless the 5 of us come together to try to talk this through, I am out as far as being in any kind of position to be on this roller coaster. I am fine with SS for now, unless I learn he has used any of my words tonight to twist around. But I am not going to welcome SD back in my presence until we have talked. He is free to do whatever he wants, and I will gracefully exit if he needs to have her here. Funny thing is, the only thing SS mentioned as something DH needs to apologize for is that she didn't feel welcome here. If anything, that is on me, because it was my expectations he was trying to enforce. And it had nothing to do with her being welcome, she was. But at the moment, she is not. So now she can really have something to be mad about
I feel for you it is so
I feel for you it is so frustrating that these kids have no issues just disrespecting and devaluing Thier parents especially when it is not deserved.
I hear you guys and agree.
I hear you guys and agree. And I appreciate the support. I am not banking on any talks to happen although I am hoping that SS and I will be able to talk more openly going forward. That is what I will commit to, no more burying things or being passive aggressive. I do feel bad for him for being in the middle. I am not going to be around SD anymore unless or until we talk this put, and she stops with the aggressive and abusive behavior. Meanwhile I am not going to lose much sleep. One thing last. Ight did was to help me release the huge pile of guilt I have felt. I recognize and own what Icould have done better, but these problems are much deeper than that. It's pretty messed up. And it's such a shame to see this happen between people who claim that all they want from the other is love. What a mess