Here's the background...

My husband and I have been married now for a little over two years. We each brought a daughter into the equation. His daughter turned 5 yo at the end of August. She is a NAS baby which means that her mom, my husband's ex, was exposing herself and the daughter to Heroin throughout the pregnancy. My husband also has ADHD. Between those two factors there are strong issues with his daughter's ability to focus, comprehend, and retain information. She's emotionally young for her age, still having difficulty with etting herself, and more. He and his ex have a week-on-week-off custody agreement but while his ex only sees the daughter on her scheduled week, we see her daily. We provide transportation to and from school and electives as well as have her on an alternating holiday schedule. My husband sees his daughter for maybe 2 hours during his ex's week because he works 7 days on, 7 days off nights and sleeps all day. So he's basically not around from Friday of his custody week until Friday of her custody week where the change occurs on Sunday afternoons. During his custody week he sees his daughter for a couple hours in the evening between arriving home from school/elective until going to bed Monday-Thursday. During that time we have homework, dinner, and bedtime. On the weekends of his custody he is sleeping during the day because he has to work at night so I have her or his parents spend some time with her. Before we were married, or even dated, his parents had his daughter basically from Thursday evening until Sunday exchange so he could have a night off and time to sleep when he headed back to work during his custody time. His parents also had her on holidays when he worked during his custody time and when he was doing a 3 hour midweek visit they were comng along for that too. He called (and still calls) his parents about everything. His parents literally told me that they were his daughter's mom and dad before I came around. His ex used to live an hour and a half away but when she started preschool in our area she moved close so now she's only 15 minutes away. It was my understanding that his ex would also give up their daugher to her parents a lot of the time when she lived closer to them so that she could work and have a social life.

My daughter just turned 6 yo -so about an 8.5 month age gap. There are no medical complications and she is advanced for her grade level. She is very studious and likes quiet and individual activities. She also really likes her own space. The girls are in the same kindergarten classroom together and before that preschool. Basically-they will always be in the same class at their current schoool where my daughter is the oldest and his the youngest. It's a small rural school with one other kindergartener and three first graders in the room with them this year. Next year it wil be the three kindergarteners moving up to first grade and several preschoolers moving into the kindergarten group. Their groupings for some subjects differ based on ability but for the most part they are together all day. My daughter's father is not in the picture at all and she doesn't remember him except the couple tid-bits she's asked about and my husband officially adopted her this past spring. This has only changed her last name and the paperwork, otherwise the dynamic was not effected by this fact. She's known him since she was about 2.5 yo. Needless to say, my daughter is around 100% of the time unless I arrange for her to visit with a friend or grandparent. That is to say, even when my husband is at work and his daughter is with her mom I still have my daughter. Typically we send my daughter out for the night on his Saturday off of work when his daughter isn't back yet so we can have time just for the two of us. This means that generally when his daughter isn't around him my daughter isn't around him either. For the most part, there are some exceptions to that.

Here's the dilema...

My husband expects everything to be "fair" which in his mind means equal. In my mind I try to be equal but think of "fair" a little more fluidly. The girls are in the same grade and they should get and have everything the same according to him. They should have the same toys, clothes, play dates. They should be treated exactly the same in every situation as well. But when it comes to what they can do, while we should involve them both in the same positive activities we need to keep in mind that his daughter is 8.5 months younger and shouldn't be held to the same standard if she can't/doesn't do it. In my mind this is just not possible and that last part not fair.

First, my daughter is there all the time so of course she will get time with me that his daughter won't. (But in that time his daughter is getting time with her mom, which my husband seems to have in his mind is time for her to sit in a closet or a corner-she can't possibly be doing anything enjoyable.) So that means that I will be doing things with her that I don't do with his daughter-because she's not there. Isn't his daughter doing things with her mom? From what we hear she gets far more treats, new things, electronic time there than with us...And my daughter may be given something or allowed time to do something- like a sweet or tablet time- while his daughter isn't there. We can't just sit in a closet and wait for him and his daughter to come back and let us out.

Second, I've always done my best to buy/get similar or the same items for both girls and my daughter is very concious to ask for items on behalf of his daughter, her sister, when she's not with us. But what my husband doesn't seem to keep in mind is that while my daughter and I are doing our best to provide everything exactly the same at our house (clothes, toys, their own bedrooms, art suppplies, treats, etc) his daughter still has a whole other house with a bedroom, toys, clothes, etc that she gets from her mom, mom's bf and grandparents. So while it looks "fair" for her to have everythig provided exactly the same, is it really? Because to my daugther and me it looks like my daughter is the one that isn't getting it "fair." And yet if my daughter get's even one thing treated differently or provided more at our house then it's not "fair" to his daughter. His daughter literally has the mind set to come back and say, "why does L get that and I don't?" or "But L this!" Recently Ive taken to responding or telling my daghter to respond with, "Well what did you get/do/have at Mama J's house?" Because in my mind what she's learned from him is that it's not "fair" that she missed out on something but neither of them have it grasped in their mind that something happened at the same time in his daughter's life that we weren't a part of.

Third, his daughter is behaviorally more challenging than my daughter. While simply talking sternly to my daughter or talking reason with her will correct behavior, his daughter throws fits, procrastinates, changes subject ("suirrel!" as I think about the popular reference to a dog mid-thought that looses track). Doing homework she will throw a fit for two hours just to have to look at a chart and figure out how to write the number 30. She has physicaly beat up my daughter on-purpose because she takes enjoyment from my daughter crying as well as unintentionally because she's just so involved that she doesn't process to stop or have the ability to think things through. My daughter has lost a tooth and been put on eating probation for adult teeth that potentially could fall out if she eats on them because of his daughter's rough house, inability to comprehend personal space and when to stop. My husband's response is that my daughter needs to learn to stick up for herself and beat his daughter back. And if my daughter wants space and to put herself in her room for some quiet time my daughter is being rude for discluding his daughter and making her feel left out. Originally the girl's shared a room as we started living together and if my daughter tried to go in there for space his daughter would need to go in there too and my daughter wasn't allowed for his daughter not to join her because it was a shared room. So I had to start telling my daughter to lock herself in the bathroom for quiet time. Then when I wanted them to have their own rooms it was because my daughter was spoiled and needed her own space becasue his daughter didn't need or even want her own room-it's still viewed like that to this day. His daughter literally doesn't respond to redirection unless the punishment/consequence is extreme. My daughter's misbehavior or incident are typically smaller and far less frequent and never hurt anyone, just maybe whining or being demanding or perhaps not listinign to a direction the first time. His daughter has learned dad won't follow through on anything he says and literally my husband can (and will) threaten for hours before either the task is completed or I have to step in and just throw the hammer. Yet any time we try to discuss the issues with her behavior it becomes a battle of him pointing out the one time in the blue-moon that my daughter may have done a similar thing (and at that it usually wasn't even close to as extreme) and how I didn't throw the hammer for her (....nevermind that's becasue I don't have to to get a correction in behavior). And his ex doesn't discipline at all from what we can tell. If anything we see her getting bribed from the ex. The ex voices her exhaustion from not being able to control their daughter and the daughter has told us about all the ways she basically runs the show over there. 

Fourth, I spend far more time with his daugther than he does (And his ex). Most of the time she's with my daughter and me he's not (car rides to and from school, at school, electives, weekends when he's sleeping for work, etc). So then when the behavior is an issue I have to redirect it and then I don't hear the end of how it was dealt with and why don't I punish my daughter more? When's the last time I punished my daughter? Well remember this one time in the blue-moon she did this and you didn't punish her to the same extreme? So then I feel like I have to yell at my daughter and send her to her room...even if she didn't do anything. But just so that he can feel like my daughter's getting punished too so his daughter isn't left out. Then if I step back and refuse to get involved he's doing all the same yelling, frustration, punishment that he's upset I would use effectively on her just not take hours to get around to following through on. *To note-the misbehavior seen on a constant basis isn't just a me-thing. There recently was a three week period where everyday every teacher she had contact with had a story of her misbehavior (and I hear it and report to him becasue I'm a teacher at the school). We finally started giving her black tea to cancel out the ADHD and things seemed to straighten out more at school with fewer mishaps but still the same lack of focus. 

Additionally, he's always wanting to pick up overtime shifts. He claims we need the money but the reality is that while not rich by any means we have enough to get us by. Picking up overtime shifts means giving up time seeing his daughter while she's in our custody-which means more time for my daughter and me to have her to ourselves. Or it means giving up his and my alone time. So I've started to just tell him do what you want. It also means he's doing even less around the house to help out than he already is. He barely gets stuff done on his off week becuase he can't flip his schedule back so he's up all night and sleeping most of the day or on his phone playing games. 

I've gotten to the point that I just can't emotionally be involved in the situation. When he's around let him do what he wants, have as little to do with her as possible, ignore her spoiled comments and behavior, and try to remind my own daughter to act well and that despite my not redirecting bad behaviours in his daughter that may be worse than anything my daughter may have displayed that it's my job to make sure that she (my daughter) grows up to be a good and mature human being and it's his job to worry about her sister.

I got to this point with the situation last year as well. I explained to my husband how much time and evergy I've put into helping him with his daughter. How I've tried to make it "fair". How I take care of her and keep her around for activities and ask for more time from his ex so his daugher won't miss out and so that he and his daughter will feel like his daughter is never missing out or being left out of anything at all. How he doesn't ever process that his daughter has more than mine because she has a whole second house full of items. He has this impression that because his ex was on drugs during the pregnancy she is worse in every way even now years after going through rehab and having custody. Even though his ex spends equal if not more time with their daughter. Even though she's stepped up to be involved since I've been in the picture setting the bar of what a mother is like. Somehow, I am always the bad guy but just not in those words because he "never said that". Nothing I do is good enough because it's not the exact same and/or more loving, caring and nurturing than my actions to my own daughter. Because I don't let his daughter run all over myself and my daughter with a smile on my face and rainbows and butterflies in the air.

My daughter has anxiety and stomach issues. She and I both are happy when they aren't around but dread the time they are around at this point. My husband and I attempted counciling for a short time about a year ago but to no change. It got to the point that I needed to take a break and visit with my cousins for a week or so with my daughter. He didn't change anything while I was gone, giving up plenty of the parenting time that I would have been around to his parents instead saying that it was a good chance for his parents to spend with her since when I'm around she doesn't go there as much any more. Forget that it could have been a great time for him to spend some quality time with her and do some fun daddy-daughter things just the two of them. When I came back I was the one that fought to keep it going by saying his ex had to take over more of her own responsibilities (as I was doing way done trying to include her into mine and my daughter's time while he wasn't around) and he needed to step up and actually know everything what I was doing and giving up to make his daughter a part of mine and my daughter's life without him even there. It helped for a hot minute, then over the summer his daughter was around less as his ex was off work a lot for COVID and kept their daugher more during her week and with our daughters not seeing each other all the time with school. Then school started back and everything has crept back to the exact same situation. The more I see my daughter hurting from the relationship between her and his daughter, the more I'm told my daugher shouldn't be able to do anything or have anything while his daughter isn't around or isn't getting and the more it's expressed that my daughter isn't getting punished as much or to the level as his the less I feel that I can love his daughter and consequently him.

I'm expecting our first joint daughter next month. I can't help think that if I wasn't, I'd be ready to end this because it's not healthy for myself or my daughter. But then with this new daughter as a factor I think that I must be in the wrong and I can fix this and there must be some way. I can't imagine puting our new daughter into a split relationship with him when I've seen all of this and his lack of time and commitment to his own daughter, inability to handle her, spoil her, pawn her off on his parents, etc. But am I just rationalizing and need to bite the bullet? Or am I over-reacting and things seem worse in my head than they are? I guess I just need to get this all out there and see if there's anyone who's had similar experience that has some guidance on how to navigate this. Clearly I can't make him want to spend time with his kid. Clearly I can't make him have better parenting skills or provide more attention to his child. But I also can't be their daughter's primary parent and be scolded for the way I handle the behaviors and situations as needed to make things work without my daughter and myself. He goes on about how he treats them the same...but that's becasue he's almost never around them seperately and because he doesn't really have much to do with either one of them. He's not an affectionate or spntanious or organized or planning type person.

If anything is unclear or seems unorganized please ask/let me know. Thank you in advance for your input.