Holiday Arrangements
How do you deal with Holidays and custody? Is it wrong if me to feel like SD should go with BM at least a week during this time of Holidays? My DH just said that SD wants to go to BM on Christmas Eve and then we come get her Christmas Day..... he told her no, but said I will take you that Wednesday and come back and get you the next day. Is it just me or is that too much?? Why can't she go Wednesday and she come back like Saturday or Sunday.... I just feel like if we have had her for 3 months and she has not once been to her moms on that time then she should stay longer. I just feel like my Holiday will get sucked up by what she wants and that's so annoying to me. I try not to let things bother me, but I just wish we could stick to whatever the parent plan is and not just do whatever SD feels like doing at the time. Maybe I'm the one with the problem....smh
We are on a 50/50 and
We are on a 50/50 and holidays are based on school breaks. For the Christmas break there's 17 days. SO gets the first half starting with end of school on that Friday and 8 days. BM picks them up halfway through the 9th day and keeps them until school starts up, at which point regular schedule resumes.
Christmas is apparently the holiday the rotation hinges on, so odd years SO has Christmas, even years BM does. Which means even years SO has Thanksgiving weekend (also driven by school holidays) and New Years. Spring break is similar - an even split of the time off school but I can't remember how that aligns with the rest of the rotation. And then BM has Memorial Weekend & SO has Labor Day weekend. I still can't believe that made it in but not 4th of July or Halloween.
I would do everything in my power to not participate in a day of split or every other day flip over holidays. It just invites chaos and misery which will eventually bring resentment. That's my down time, my family time, too. Not just skids (no matter what they think).
There was a similar plan in
There was a similar plan in place like that before, but now it seems like since she got put out they just doing whatever they feel like. It is seriously messing with my sanity.
Oh how lovely of them to not
Oh how lovely of them to not consider anyone else. Pfft.
If words don't work maybe he'll understand actions. Sounds like he's not going to consider any input that doesn't directly affect him.
Make yourself scarce, do what you want on your schedule. If he/they can participate, and you'd like them to, cool. If not then maybe he'll learn there's more to consider than skids wants. Maybe.
They need to figure out their
They need to figure out their custody arrangement! I absolutely cannot stand never knowing who will be sleeping in my home and having no control over it. I've never actually been in that position but for a while i was stayibg at SO's a lot and i could not deal. It's why i won't give up my house. DH and BM need to clean up their mess and DH needs to listen to your input.
I agree with the others that
I agree with the others that DH and TM should stick to the schedule. This is a problem I have. My stepkids schedule is very unique. They go from one parents to the other on a daily basis. I knew this going in but it is harder than I thought. Holidays is the same. So, we are waiting around for the stepkids sometimes. I don't want to sound selfish but I get resentful that they can't just stay with one parent for a full day. This schedule can't be fun for the kids and affects my kids and I too.
We are all together for Christmas Day this year. His kids will get dropped off around 8-9am. So DH made a comment to my daughter about how we will have to wait to open presents into they get here. Which I get, how rude would that be to have them get here and say we already opened our presents, but it's just the principal that this kind of schedule is not the best for others either.
I also don't agree with letting kids run the show and decide what they want unless they are old enough and say, this really isn't working, and have valid reasons. One night DH brought his kids home the night early without telling me and I was not prepared. It really upset me. He said they don't feel like being at their mom's tonight. They are 8 and 13. I told him he needs to notify me of these changes before they happen. It also causes me loss of control to not know who is going to be in our house on which days too. And even anxiety. Home is the one place you should feel comfortable and kind of a safe haven. I think it is common courtesy. DH had gotten better about this. And also sticking to the parenting plan. But at least notify me before making a change or ask if I'm ok with it. My kids and I need consistency too. I would ask DH to think how these things impact you too.
My SO was doing the daily
My SO was doing the daily transitions/the kids bounce around randomly depending on how BM feels (she would hang out with the kids at his house and take them for short overnights or a few hours at a time.) I could not do it and i didn't even live there full time. Based on what i've seen, the reason for that was enmeshment. Enmeshment for the purpose of serving the parents' feelings and egos. SO couldn't stand not seeing them daily and not having control of every aspect of their lives, including their time with BM. BM could not or would not accept being responsibke for them for any length of time wothout help. The kids suffered, i suffered. SO and BM were totally happy with their enmeshed little life.
That sounds familiar. BM isn
That sounds familiar. BM isn't very responsible. She takes them but doesn't know how to handle basic things like school/medical. So DH is in charge of this. And DH doesn't want to go long without seeing his kids. Which I get, but don't think the bouncing around is good for them. Most times when they arrive they are hyper and fight a lot.
I've learned to disengage. I focus on my kids and am thoughtful regarding his but refuse to alter my whole world around just for the stepkids.
It isn't good for the kids!
It isn't good for the kids! In my SO's case, the parents were so concerned with control, money, being the favorite parent, and just figuring out the logistics of who is supposed to be where at any given time that they neglected a lot of actual parenting. The 10-year-old can't tie his shoes, ride a bike, or cut his own meat. Only thing he does outside of school is video games. He is behind on a lot of things because so much energy went into logistics and shuffling. It's not the kids who have such a deep seated need to see each parent each day. It's the parents.
My DH and BM also do the
My DH and BM also do the wishy washy whatever custody schedule. The first couple years visiting my family for bumped in order to keep our schedule open for SD to MAYBE visit SOMETIME in the week between Christmas and new years. A couple years of me missing out on seeing my family and now I plan what I want and DH plans around me. He's the one with the wishy washy schedule, I said "I don't make plans for maybes." Be glad that you've got some sort of plan this far out, I don't usually know we're getting SD until a day or 2 before we get her. The uncertainty is so infuriating.
Exactly. My family is out of
Exactly. My family is out of state and I don't see them much. So they are priority with holidays for me. Especially if my kids are with their dad.
Not that DH isn't, but we see each other every day. And I'd rather spend holidays with my parents than waiting around for when the stepkids arrive. It's good you've realized that and put your needs first. I've come around to finally do this too and am happier.
There is usually about a 2
There is usually about a 2 week break from school. One parent get's the first week to include Christmas, the other get's the 2nd week to include New Years. Then the following year swap.
It isn't hard and everyone can predict and plan what is going on.
That's what we do for my bio
That's what we do for my bio kids. Pretty simple. Yes, I miss them when I don't have them on certain holidays but they are fine. We usually FaceTime.
I spend those times with my parents or DH. Wish he and his ex could get into this routine.
Follow the CO. Period.
Follow the CO. Period.
In our case visitation had very little to do with Holidays.
The Judge established a long distance visitation schedule due to us never living nearer than 1200 miles to SpermLand. 5Wks summer, ~1Wk winter, ~1Wk spring. Thanksgiving was never on the table and was always my CP wife's. Winter visitation rotated on even and odd years. Even years it was from the day school was out until Dec 24. Odd years it was from Dec 26 until the day before school started. Dec 25 was also never on the table a d was always my CP wife's.
The SpermClan was required to provide a 60 day notice of there intent to exercise their visitation.
Travel was always on SpermClan time and school could not be missed to accommodate visitation.
There were a number of years where they refused all visitation and SS did not see them for a year or more.
Update
Still no word from BM about Holiday plans! It really sad because she is hurting her own child and screwing their relationship up. I get your child has caused you problems and stress, but your the adult and should be able to work through it. Or maybe it's just the her SO that is holding all this up. Either way I have given up.... I'm have been so stressed lately and I don't have the energy to continually fight this. I have to think of the health of me and my twins. It's just messed up that we can't deal with things like adults.
Christmas used to drive me
Christmas used to drive me absolutely up the wall. Each parent got a week...which would flip from week before to week after Christmas. But the exchange always happened on Christmas Day
Gah...WHY!!!!!
It made it so that I could never confidently plan anything with my family or my nieces and nephews on Christmas Day. We've done a Christmas Day gift exchange forever...typically in the afternoon so parents with kids can have their Christmas morning first.
Every year I'd try for weeks to get a firm time from DH on his kids and a firm commitment about whether or not they'd be going to our Christmas exchange (so my siblings could get them gifts!) He'd hem and haw and half answer. Then change it all around the day of in precisely the way that interfered with the plans my family had made...which were made solely to accommodate him and his schedule with his kids.
Then, after all this...after weeks of EVERYONE in my family of 6 siblings being on hold until we found out DH's plans...weeks of my mom asking: "TwoOfUs...does DH know when his kids will be there yet? And do they want to come? If so, we'll schedule when they're with you...if not, we'll schedule after they leave/before they arrive..."
After weeks of my family bending over backwards to schedule around my DH...he had the gall to say that no one in my family "understood what it was like to lose your kids for half of Christmas Day" and that no one in my family "ever considered his kids."
I wanted to scream and tear my hair out: "That's all we've been talking about for 3 weeks!!! We scheduled everything around when you'd have kids and it all got changed day of!!!"
Anyway. Used to hate Christmas so much because it just meant tons of extra stress for me, spending money on kids who weren't mine, a moody/grumpy DH...and me caught in the middle of all this and the people I actually did want to spend time with that day...
It's so frustrating! I hate
It's so frustrating! I hate having to plan around other people, especially when those people are not considerate of other want to do. I do feel for the kids cause I know it's hard on them, but if you would just make structured plans they would be ok. I got 4 more years and then I can be done with this foolishness.