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15 yrs of this never ending roller coaster ride

anginjax's picture

My DH and I got together when my SD was 9yo and sweet (most of the time) and loved her Daddy. BM abandoned her for about a month and shacked up with someone when her and DH 1st seperated. I never tried to take her BM place but give her a stable, loving environment when she spent time with us. Always supported my DH in and out of court and constant turmoil with BM.

Until I became preganant with our daughter and told DH I will always support his efforts but he needs to take charge. There was always too much chaos and I was going to start focuing positive energy on my pregnancy and our daughter. He understood and fully agreed. BM made it her life's mission to alienate SD from us and his entire family when she needed us most. BM's mother would sneak her to visit us and it just went on and on unless there was a tragedy and she needed money. We missed most of her informative years of her life with her BM filling her head with lies.

Fast forward to now she is an adult and wanted to have a relationship with us again having her 1st child at 18. We accepted with open arms. Keep in mind now our daughter is 9 and barely knows her sister. This GB was murdered at 3 mths old by his father. We all went through this heart wrenching experience by her side the whole time. She stood up at the hearing on behalf of the murderer not her dead son and said how she forgave him and how good of a person he was. At this point we were done and to make a long story longer she is going on baby #4 with 4 different daddies. She is a spitting image of her BM making one bad decision after another and never owning any of them. 

My DH has decided he is getting old at 48 (she is 25) and decided to reach out that he loves her wants her and his GK in his life and he gets quite a lengthy response of how we have never been there for her and talking bad about me and she does not need a holiday grandparent but is willing to have lunch with him to talk about it (me). There is so much more to this story but it would literally be a book. I don't know what to do because I am completely over it and don't want any part of being involved. Our 13 yo daughter feels it and does not want to be involved anymore either. I understand my husbands feelings and want to support him. He 100% will not let her disrespect me but the bond we had when she was a little girl will never return. She will also use the GK to continue to hurt my DH like her BM used her to hurt him.

tog redux's picture

Let your DH find out for himself who his daughter is - you protect yourself, your daughter and your home. He can see her outside the home, but no visits to the home, no holiday plans with her, no money sent her way, etc.  You and DD don't have anything to do with her unless it's shown that she's more stable.

I understand where DH is coming from, but she's toxic and he will find that out on his own.

Catmom024's picture

I agree.  You need to throw up STRONG boundaries.  He is welcome to see his daughter elsewhere, not in your home because you don't want the chaos...not that you don't like HER.  It's important that you frame it that way.  I'm guessing your finances are joint?  Please keep an eye on them.

My SO also has a daughter who doesn't exercise good judgment and is currently dating a 5 time felon.  She has one kid and I hope and pray she doesn't have any more.  My SO also gets sucked in by her.  Due to her somewhat recent drug dealing charges I don't want her in our home.  Of course my DH is fine with that but misses having his child and grandchild coming to visit our farm and seeing the animals.  Too bad.  Our finances are separated so who knows what he's doing there...

My condolences on the loss of your grandchild.  What a nightmare.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This is NOT about you in any way. It's classic SD/BM stuff that we see repeatedly, with the SM making the easiest target for blame because she's outside the Failed First Family. It's THEIR garbage, so don't let the stench of it affect you or your bio because it has nothing to do with you.

You have clarity, and are spot on in your assessment. It seems your DH has backslid a bit and is looking for something he isn't going to get. This is common with guilty parents, as time can soften harsh reality. You know it, I know it, even your daughter knows it, but perhaps he needs a fresh dose of poison to wipe away the delusion. I know it can feel unsettling, but remember - you get to decide who you allow into your life, so even if there is a miraculous reunion (lol) you don't have to be involved. Your DH can see his pos daughter elsewhere, and compartmentalize his relationships.

I recommend focusing on maintaining what's good and healthy while your DH is on his fool's errand. Remain neutral and calm when the topic of SD comes up; if pressed to engage with her, just state that she's hurt you deeply and you're not ready to do so at this time. Assume a bit of victim status - don't let SD have it all. Make your home a comfortable, peaceful sanctuary - after an a$$ chewing blamefest with toxic SD, your DH is more likely to appreciate how well adjusted his life with you is. 

As long as he's not funding SD or bringing the garbage into your marriage, try not to give it space in your head. Even if SD tries using the gskids as bait, without your help (and since SD doesn't like you, you wouldn't want to upset her by helping with the gskids, right? wink wink), your DH will soon get tired of doing it on his own. Odds are, he'll get a harsh reminder of who and what his daughter is, and retreat to a safe distance.

 

 

 

 

 

anginjax's picture

I really appreciate the feedback on this as I don't really have anyone I know to talk to. I have thought about going to see a therapist just to have someone neutral to talk to but I am not the one who needs the therapist! I hate to hold grudges and always try to be so forgiving but I know how this ride goes and it brings no joy or happiness to me.

We have a great life but my husband and I both work our butts off and always have. I am going to stay strong and keep my boundries.

tog redux's picture

Forgiveness doesn't mean letting someone hurt/abuse you again. Forgive for yourself if you want to let go of anger, but you can still protect yourself.

Thumper's picture

((((HUGS))))))

Welcome to Step Talk---

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Surviving (and even thriving) in a dysfunctional steplife requires that you be able to create boundaries, set limits, and not get sucked into what is not really your business.The primary relationship is the father-daughter one; you are thankfully only peripheral. Competition for resources is real, but you need to position yourself so that it's SD causing discomfort by stirring up drama, not you imposing restrictions and pressure.

You tried being inclusive, but SD rejected that, which is actually your Golden Ticket out of the poo. Your DH might want you to offer yourself up again, but that's only because it would make things easier for HIM. You can pay lip service by telling him "DH, you know SD isn't interested in a relationship with me or DD, and I don't want to jeopardize your efforts with her by interfering. You go ahead."  You know the truth, even if your DH doesn't, so play the supportive wife while protecting yourself from his folly.

Years ago I got a great piece of validation from, of all things, the tv show Grey's Anatomy. A doctor who had escaped a rough childhood and worked his butt off to rise and create a good life for himself is confronted at the hospital by his younger brother, a poor blue collar guy who's still steeped in the family dysfunction. The brother wants the doctor to come back home to help with their crazy mother. The doctor gestures around him in a manner that emcompasses his work, his friends, and his life, saying  "Look - I can have THIS (looks around), or I can have THAT (his crazy family). But I can't have both." 

That scene gave me permission to stop trying and start prioritizing my own needs. It made me see that we sometimes have to make hard choices in order to be healthy - and that it's okay. You're doing what you're supposed to, within your circle of responsibility, and that is smart.