Difficulty accepting stepkids after 6 years
Been with partner 6 years. He has 3 kids from previous - SS17, SD12 & SD10. We have a 3 month old together. SS17 lives with us full time for 1.5 years. SDs live over 15 hours away with BM. Rarely visit.
I am having a really hard time accepting his kids as my child's siblings. When I say half sibling I get told I am being rude. I didn't really have a problem with them prior to the birth, they were annoying and bratty yes but that was due to their upbringing by their mother.
** please do not attack me for feeling this way - I am posting to hopefully get a different perspective on it, thanks
i have feelings of resentment with SS17 froM when he moved in with us. This has waivered overtime but it is generally a complete dislike. I get zero respect from him as an adult in this house. I used to do a lot for him to make his life easier but no longer go out of my way due to not receiving a simple thank you & things becoming expected.
he hysterically cries to his Aunty (moms side) that he can't hang out with baby. This is not true, he works full time and odd hours or he is out all weekend. The times he is available I am either breastfeeding or trying to get Bub to sleep.
I have explainedy reasons for being hesitant at him even holding baby is due to him not respecting my role in the home (always goes to dad for any decisions that should be made as a household). I am still on full wage and will continue to pay my way like normal around here. I think he believes daddy pays for everything.
My partners response is "well he's my child too and I can say who he spends time with" & I get that, but I just get this awful feeling in my stomach like I am validating his terrible attitude by letting him hang out with his half sibling.
I have no problems with anyone else holding, spending time with my baby because I know they respect my role. I feel like the lines are blurry and I would like to raise my child differently to how SK have been.
So is your husband going to
So is your husband going to make baby stop feeding or wake him from nap/middle of night-time sleep, so his other kid can "spend time with him"?
A 17yr old boy crying to an aunt that he cant spend time with a baby? Not normal and probably just trying for attention...
My point exactly! Haha
My baby's sleep and our sanity come before anything SS17 needs. He's old enough and ugly enough to know that.
he is an oddly sensitive child and I found that strange too. But when the shoe is on the other foot and he is being unkind to someone (like his other Aunty who he made cry & thought it was funny) he thinks it's all a joke. I think he is of the impression that daddy is a push over. More often than not, SO takes my side and stands up for me over him but then sometimes back peddles. I should also add that SO not in SS life from age 11 till 16 due to BM relocating without permission & withholding out of spite so unfortunately SS17 has not had an appropriate upbringing as BM is not the best parent.
I just think he should have more interests in life and leave mine alone.
Yea, sorry his sensitivity
Yea, sorry his sensitivity does not trump baby's need to eat or sleep.
I think at 3 months
I think at 3 months postpartum, you're still pretty into the mama bear instinct and it's natural to be overly protective of your little one, specially when it's your first. Maybe you don't feel it as strongly with others but your instinct tells you to with SS for a reason. Maybe because you don't really like him. Maybe because he doesn't respect you. Maybe it's because you can sense he's not genuine about his "love" for baby brother. From what you've explained, I'm sure he's just faking it for attention because most 17yo don't give 2 sh*ts about a baby.
And your DH saying that... omg just stop. You carried the baby, you pushed him out of your crotch - sorry hubby but mama trumps you when it comes to the baby. (I know that's not a correct way to feel but that's the way I do it lol)
Also, I sympathize with you about having a hard time calling them their sibling. I really tried to rewire my brain to do it but now that I am having my 2nd DD, who is full siblings with my 1st DD, I'm even more over the whole pushing the sibling thing with SD. They are half siblings and my 2 are actual, real, true sisters.
And I also get the wanting to raise your own completelyyyyy different than the steps were raised. It does kind of make you see what not to do when it comes to your own so I guess you can look at that as a positive lol.
A 17 year old acting tjis way
A 17 year old acting tjis way??? Not normal!!! I was in the same situation. My baby is now 4 and I supervise him at all times. He has stepsiblings 16, 15 and 13... I raise my kid with my rules. I do not need him to learn the behaviors I observe from siblings!!! Stand your ground!!!! The 17 year old needs to get a job and study. Defimitely not normal!!! Family needs to tell him baby needs mom and he needs to step down!
At some point even kids have
At some point even kids have to earn their care and feeding with compliance to behavioral and performance standrds
This 17yo is not earning his "care and feeding".
So stop caring... and stop feeding.
You don't "owe" SS anything.
You don't "owe" SS anything. You're in charge of the baby right now. And considering his behavior, I wouldn't encourage any relationship. I don't encourage one with SS12 and my two littles. He was aggressive with my oldest when he was 6 months and that was it for me. Plus, he is being raised very differently by BM, so there's that.
Yes yes yes!
I completely sympathise with you on the second sibling thing, I hadn't thought about that! Yes they will be siblings but only half to SKs. Stop trying to force the instant family on us >:-( that must be so hard
When bub was 15 days old MIL told me that I needed to include SS more with the baby - ok, when would that be? When I am breastfeeding round the clock because we are both still getting to know each other or when I'm trying to sleep because he is?? Ugh so eff off.
I do feel like I have to change myself so that SS feels wanted but I say stuff you to that, like after dinner I have my routine with bub to get him ready for sleep. I do not have time for you to play with him because when he is overstimulated guess who has to deal with it and not sleep later ??!! I understand that is part of being a parent but if I can try to avoid it I will - plus I will have a happier baby :-)
Obviously being a first time mom I would like to do things my way and by my research. I hate the fact that he has done it all before and tells me somethings aren't necessary because his kids didn't or did. Yuck. Don't care let me be.
it is so odd how obsessed he is with baby, as if it is his own. But he was the same with his cousins baby. He even shared photos of it on his Facebook one day without permission- he got in huge trouble off the mother of baby and so he should!! That is not your place to do that.
I thought SS was more mature before he moved here. Turns out his sisters just made him look good during visits and there's just a monkey riding a bike playing cymbals in his head lol
It is really causing issues between SO and I & I would love to leave with bub to show how I am not going to put up with this.
Yea I really tried to force
Yea I really tried to force this relationship/sibling bond with SD and DD. Then when I got pregnant with OUR 2nd DD, I realized, why am I forcing this relationship when my DD will soon have a real sister? If in the future my daughters and SD have a close relationship, then great, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make it happen. It should happen naturally and if not, well not my problem. I'm sure yours won't be that close either since they are 17 years apart.
When your DH brings things up about how he's done it before, he knows best, they did it this way with their kids, blah blah blah, just hit him with the research and knowledge you have. He parented his older kids over 10 years ago. The way to do things has changed by now so just say that research now shows xyz.
He acts like he is the third wheel in
The relationship. The 2nd day after bub was born he messaged his dad in the middle of the day to ask how bub was doing, not mum too just baby. He did it again the next day to which I said no, don't reply that's weird.
He wants to go everywhere with us and show off "his baby". I purpose plan things so he can't. He honestly behaves like he pushed bub out. Blergh.
Dad can be hard on him sometimes but more often than not gets the guilts and lets it go, I think for not being there in the earlier years and Disneyland dads him or can't see his behaviour as bad because he is too close to the subject.
People who claim some kind of
People who claim some kind of witch doctor level of knowledge over a basic biological function and a position of knowledge authority over a first time parent because "this is the first time parent's first time" are idiots.
Breeding is like breathing. It is inherent in our make up. Once the baby is born there is no magic to feeding them caring for them, etc... and there is no change in the behavioral and performance standards for any older kids.
So the meddlesome MIL can do exactly what you suggest. She can bite her tongue and follow your rules or she can F-off. Give her no other choice.
Everyone has experience with parenting if they make it to adulthood whether they have children or not. We were all raised by parents, we have that experience as the model we start our own parenting life with.
I will be reasonable and respectful of advice, particularly from an IL or my own parent, but.... there are limits to the form of advice the timing, and the context.
Your baby, your the mom, you feed the baby, and generally the baby is entirely dependent on you and you alone for its life, sustenance, and comfort for the first months. Dads certainly can participate, but breast feeding dads are not a thing. Genetic males are not equipped to do much of the amazing things that genetic females are equipped to do.
Set the rules, enforce the rules, and make your boundaries clear.
Take care of you and take care of your new one. Everyone else can do what they are told or.... STFU.
SS17 is just not my kind of
SS17 is just not my kind of person so in turn I think I am protecting my baby by denying the "sibling" relationship because bub is part of me.
I often wonder if it would have been a easier if he didn't live with us, as if I would be in more control then. I hate that he sheepishly asks his dad to hold bub but never me, the mother. I find myself making excuses to keep baby away. I take that as him diminishing my role in the household but my partner would just say he is scared of me. He's only scared of me because I used to call him out sometimes on stupid stuff he would say or do. I have ceased doing this for now but to assert my authority and also teach a different perspective, I may start doing it again.
I am respectful of any advice I receive. I am a bit of a researcher tho and will look into info on subjects of interest - that's how I found this site! :-D
the MIL pissed me off that day acting like I had to include him in everything as if he is 9 years old. I was a new mom and sleep deprived, f@@k off!
I appreciate all the replies and the time taken to read - I don't post to get smoke blown up my @$$ but it's good to know I'm not being unreasonable
No, you are NOT unreasonable!
No, you are NOT unreasonable!!! My baby is not an entertainment toy to be held by everyone!!! He can catch a bug and get sick! He can be misheld and injured!!! Look at him, kiss his feet or leg, and move on!!!! You need to build a bond with the baby, you do not have time to deal with an insecure, honestly very odd 17 year old!! Make sure you supervise your baby at all times!!! Dad needs to explain to 17 year old the same... Maybe therapy because a 17 year old crying bec he needs to bond with a 3 month old??? If you guys have argued in front of him, he is just doing it to show you he is the boss!
You could be onto something
You could be onto something there with him thinking he is the boss.
When bub was only new SS used to always want to hang around and stare, even when I was trying to breastfeed. I used to get the shits that he couldn't understand simple boundaries and leave the room to be comfortable. He would then storm off to his room and slam the door and crack it because "it happened again".
what happened? Me, a 36year old female leaving the room to feel more comfortable feeding her newborn rather than sitting in the same room as a 17 year old boy who is not her own so he can stare at his half sibling?? He may be 17 but he behaves and has the mentality of a younger age.
honestly he just pisses me off over it all.
is it bad that i don't see a need for him to hold/hang out with my baby? I like it on my terms. He has other things to worry about and should respect my boundaries.
Thank god he is going to BM for Xmas break. Besides my own child, that is the best Xmas present ever!! Haha 22 days to go but who's counting.